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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Serious man
Friday, August 26, 2011
I went to the Boardwalk with Alice today, which was fun.

By the time we got to Fireball (which looks like THIS in case you don't know), it was dark. We sat next to each other in one of the seat blocks, and across from us, this guy in sunglasses, dressed in a black dress shirt and black or dark blue khakis, walked over and sat down. Alice got all excited because she thought he was going to wear his sunglasses on the ride, but he took them off and they vanished into his shirt pocket, which apparently didn't look big enough to hold them.

Anyway, while we were waiting for the ride to start, everyone was laughing and talking to their friends and swinging their legs. Not this guy. He sat upright with rigidly straight legs and looked extremely serious. Kind of like how you'd imagine Agent Smith from the Matrix to wait for a ride to start.

Once we got going, he did crack a slight smile, but he never laughed or even smiled wide enough to show his teeth during the ride. The rest of us screamed and laughed and generally had a good time.

When the ride stopped, his smile vanished immediately. He actually looked pretty angry for a few seconds, before putting his head down in a very disappointed sort of way.

The restraints were lifted, and everyone began to get off. He dismounted, retrieved his sunglasses, put them back on, and walked to the exit.

I have NEVER seen someone look that way on an amusement park ride. It was bizarre and hilarious, to say the least. Probably one of those things where you had to be there, but this guy looked SO INCREDIBLY SERIOUS, like you DON'T EVEN KNOW. Really, try to imagine Agent Smith riding, except with black hair, and you've basically got the idea.

When we discussed it later on the ride home, because of course the situation demanded it, Alice informed me that the guy was there alone. I had assumed he was with the people he sat next to, but apparently it was just him. Somehow that makes it even more strange.

Seriously though, this guy. Man, I just can't get over it. (He was uh -cough- a bit cute as well, but mostly the whole scene was just so hilariously weird)

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Forgot to say yesterday
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I passed the permit test. Also, the woman behind the counter made me take the picture thrice because apparently my hair was in my eyes... and the final picture came out horribly. X| I guess that's to be expected though, it being the DMV and all.

Last night I was feeling sleepy around six-ish, so I lay down on my bed and ended up sleeping on and off for... eighteen hours. Whoops. I had some fancy dreams though. Unfortunately I'm currently having trouble recalling some of them...

Here's what I remember:

Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck and some... other people were on this flying mesh of playground in the clouds. One of the other people (a girl I think?) was being fussy and I think we were talking about what to call her. I said "Bugs" jokingly and she seemed to like that, and then someone else said it but in a different way (like "Bug-ezz") and she got angry. I had to run with her away to some other playgrounds, only this time they were islands in a huge ocean.

After running through several islands, we hit a huge one where the houses were bulging out onto the water almost. It was a ship and a city and an enormous tree all at once. We went inside the ship, and after walking around for a little bit, they threw us into this room that had a big thing in the middle of it, sort of like an open landscape display. There was a monster creature on it, and I remembered them saying that nothing could defeat it, and I realized that it was supposed to kill us.

We found a hatch in the floor and escaped through it, and I knew we needed to find the fruit of life in order to kill the monster. We climbed up to the very top of the city/ship/tree and saw a sea of treetops, mostly level but with a few massive trees breaking the canopy. The tops were sturdy enough to run on, so we went around looking for the fruit of life. It had to be on one of the trees that was above the rest.

The first tree I looked at had apples, but I knew they couldn't be the fruit of life because they were small and dirty and some looked half rotten. We also passed lemons, but they seemed to have the same problem. Unfortunately, before we could continue the search, the citizens of the city/ship/tree island were alerted to our presence, and we had to try to leave again. We climbed down into a white side room that seemed to be empty, and I opened doors, trying to find one that led out. I opened a blue door, and there was another blue door right behind it, so I opened that one as well and found a bunch of women doing laundry in a big vat.

I quickly shut the doors and we opened the door directly in front of us and ran out, although maybe it was just me by this point. (Sometimes my dreams are in the third person and I watch myself, so I don't always know if I'm alone in them)

It was sunny outside, though it seemed like more of a sunset type light because of how orange it was getting. We (I?) scrambled along the roots at the edge of the city/island, trying to get away, and then I woke up...

I wish I could remember the other dreams.

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Where to post out of spite...
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Kind of pissed that Google has suspended my G+ account for not having my full name. SOME OF US ARE WELL AWARE THAT WE CAN BE TRACKED ON THE INTERNET IF WE USE OUR FULL NAMES, GOOGLE. >:|

Oh yes, surprisingly enough I DO have reasons for not wanting to use my real name anywhere online!

"But it's what everyone's doing!" some may say.

Yeah, well although it's highly unlikely that anyone would ever stalk me and find out where I live, the fact is that it's not very hard to find if you know the right search terms, and I DON'T want random people to have my address.

I also, in my near-infinite antisocialness, don't want random people I don't really remember to be looking me up. I don't care if we were friends in kindergarten. I have no desire to reconnect now. Basically the point of my internet existence is not to be very visible and easily found. Crazy, I know.

I was considering posting this on Facebook just to spite Google, but then I remembered that I don't like Facebook either.

So, yeah, basically, Google puts out a lot of good stuff, and I generally support what they do I guess, but if they're going to force me to reveal information I don't want to reveal then I don't want to use their service.

(Just looked around, and I guess I'm not the only one who feels this way...?)

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Trivial details
Monday, August 22, 2011
I'm taking the permit test tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I doubt I'll get fourteen wrong on it like my brother did his first time, but I dunno.

Alice wanted to hang out today before noon, so we walked to the park and used the swings for a little while. I mentioned that I had been thinking about going to Baskin Robbins, so we walked there afterward and I got a single scoop of cookies and cream in a cup. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted at first because there were so many flavors. X|

I guess I had walked two or three miles by the time I got home, but I seemed unreasonably tired. Last night I meant to take a nap at around 6 PM, but I ended up just sleeping on and off until around 7:30 this morning. After I got home from the park/Baskin Robbins, I went back to sleep for like, three hours. :S

Feel like I'm sleeping instead of eating. I did try to eat some things, though. There was the ice cream and then I had ~365 calories worth of these little samosa things, and blueberries... Calorie counting makes it seem like I'm trying to avoid eating much, but mostly it's hard to want to eat when I have no appetite like this. Not anorexia or anything like that... I don't want control... Sometimes I think it might be nice if someone else decided things for me, but then I know that if that was my reality, I'd probably still be unhappy. I don't think there's any scenario where I'm happy. Can't think of one, at least.

Somewhat secretly I think that what happens is always what you didn't think of, what you didn't anticipate or expect. Not in a good or bad way, really. But then I think that if I just think of all the worst things that could happen, they won't happen, because I already canceled them out by imagining them. Is that a superstition? I'm not really sure. I don't know if I actually believe it. Kind of just one of those things. Like looking into the mirror and thinking there's another person in there, but knowing that there isn't really. But still thinking about it.

I don't know.

Here's a video I watched. It's pretty bad.

I kind of feel like Garfield in this comic. CLICK

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More on schools...
Friday, August 19, 2011
What's the emotion called for when you just want to throw your hands up and say "agh" in kind of a despairing voice, and you're contemplating stupid things because of how much you just don't want to deal with something anymore?

It can't just be frustration. There's kind of an unhappy overtone. (And no anger)

If there's a word for this then I can't remember it.

Anyway, school searching is going horribly, as usual. I know I said I was thinking of going for NYU, but then I remembered that my SAT scores are not worthy of high scholarships at such institutions and I really don't want to go into major debt for some college education that probably won't even help me get a job.

Goddammit young attractive millionaires, why can't you run into me and be like "oh my god I want to marry this person" and fund my education? :(

But yeah basically I'm stressing over this enough that I've been, for a long time now actually, contemplating in the back of my mind just going back to St. John's and seeing if I can get into the Honors program (as if I couldn't, pfff).

I still think it's a terrible school in some ways, and I don't want to take two more theology courses, but it's in a location I find agreeable and I have friends there. :/ I figure I wouldn't be as miserable as I was last time because I wouldn't have a long distance relationship to deal with, and I think I wouldn't gain as much weight because I wouldn't eat grilled cheese sandwiches and cookies every day. X|

Downsides to this already horrible hypothetical path:
-It's ST. JOHN'S :(
-Probably no privacy if I have a major depressive episode (which I undoubtedly would), meaning nowhere to go cry uncontrollably for no reason
-Have to be away from my budgies (but this goes for any school that isn't like, very close to me)
-Have to buy a laptop
-It's possible that my friends there would all be different and it would be awkward to hang out with them and I'd struggle to make new ones
-Three hours ahead of my California friends

-New York!
-Friends who are possibly just as awesome as I remember
-No more feeling like I'm not going to a real college
-St. John's might give me a better scholarship?
-I'm familiar with the school
-Probably won't have to buy a laptop, unless they don't give them to transfers...


I'm not even really considering this, I just don't want to have to think about this stupid college business anymore.

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Yeah, one of these days
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I should probably go get professionally diagnosed or something.

Although at the same time, they'd probably want to put me on meds, so maybe not.

All the descriptions say symptoms should be enough to "interfere with daily life" but I'm not even sure what that means anymore.

I don't remember what it's like to NOT deal with this, but I'm still going about my life, so...?

Pretty sure I at least have a mild chronic form, though I've certainly experienced some major episodes before.

Kind of sad that I only care that I have depression because it seems to be preventing me from choosing a major...

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More sites like this
Monday, August 15, 2011
There seem to be a lot of secret sharing sites around the internet... I can think of Postsecret and Experience Project just off the top of my head.

Anyway, found a new one tonight.

Truu Confessions

Kind of a stupid name, but that doesn't impact the content so much.

A few I liked:

A guy at the grocery store approached me and asked, "Does he know how lucky he is? Please, tell him a stranger thinks he's the luckiest man in the world." Nothing creepy about it, just a sincere compliment. There's no "he." None of the guys I've been with have ever realized how lucky they are. I wish they had all been there to hear that man's compliment. I'm lonely.

You're born alone, you die alone. I see a recurring theme.

I desperately want to find my soulmate/love of my life, but sometimes I think it will be easer just to stay single.

truu54399 (Hahaha, what the heck??)
I'm sooooo tired shaving the hair in my a**!! Does the hair there really have a purpose? It's closed all the time, how does it even grow?! What is it a chia pet, put water on it and watch it grow!!!!!

I found a guy online who is willing to pay me $100 to smell my shoes after a run. I'm unemployed and SO taking him up on the offer.

I think it's time to grow fins and go join the rest of my kind in the ocean. The Whales are here at this time of year.

Sometimes when I read the sad secrets of strangers I just wish I could bundle up all the unhappiness in them and... I don't know... make them into Jell-o and then squish up all the Jell-o and wash it down the drain.

It's weird how people you don't know can be more sympathetic than your friends sometimes. I guess it's because they don't have to deal with you that much.

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War sparrow
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Last night I woke up and told myself to remember the phrase "war sparrow."

When I got up today I could recall it, but not the reasons why.

It took a little while to come back to me.

There was a baby sparrow in a cage. It was sick, and we were trying to figure out how to help it. Then, someone took a long needle and stabbed it into the little bird's body. It revived instantly, and after another jab with the needle lower on its body, it flew out of the cage. We watched it land next to its younger sibling, open its beat, and swallow the other baby whole.

This, I knew, was a ritual of sorts. The particular type of sparrow we had helped was born to kill and endure ruthless conditions. It didn't have a name in the dream, but when I woke up, "war sparrow" was the only thing that seemed to make sense.

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