Friday. 4.18.08 1:18 pm
Tonight is the first night of KP's PCC. I was supposed to sing with KP Choir, but time constraints and last minute changes made things difficult to keep up with. Soooo, instead of attending PCC tonight, I will be heading down to LIPS with some co-workers >:).
There will a second showing for PCC tomorrow, but again, I don't know if I intend on going. One, I didn't reserve any tickets (they're free, but I still haven't reserved any) and two, I kind of don't want to go. I have nothing against the the celebration, but I feel a detachment from the overall experience. Nothing serious, it's just more of a personal thing. I have a lot I still want to do at UCSD, including being a Warren College ambassador and possibly a Warren transfer student leader, and I just don't want my world to gravitate around Filipino culture and whatnot. I mean I still plan to actively pursue Kabayanihan and be supportive of Kamalayan and KP, but I just don't want it to become my lifestyle.
It feels somewhat contradictory talking about this because there have been moments of 'clique' mentality going on in the Filipino scene on campus. That's not a bad thing, but it does deter growth and positive experiences for persons such as myself who do not fervently pursue an active KP/Kaba/Kamalayan lifestyle. I say lifestyle because it does consume your life. And as much as I want to get down with my Filipino brothers, sisters and their supporters, it is not the only
opportunity on and around campus. But whatever, we'll see what happens as my UCSD experience continues and matures.
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Friday. 4.25.08 11:53 am
Have you ever felt alone? Like you want to reach out and speak to someone, but it seems like there's no one around who can listen? Through these past couple of years, I've done my best to express how I feel so that it doesn't well up inside me and consume my thoughts and emotions, but sometimes I feel as if I have no choice but to internalize my feelings because I can't find any way to open myself to anyone else.
I always say I love to sing. I sing because it makes me happy. I sing because it takes me away from the real world, even for a short while. But the feeling is bittersweet. More often than not, I sing because it is one of the only ways I can relieve the pain that I go through. I'm not good with people, and a lot of the times I find myself quiet in an otherwise bustling room of verbage and conversation. At times I feel torn because I want to communicate, but there is always something holding me back. Maybe it's just my personality; I'm naturally quiet and kept to myself. Forcing myself to be otherwise is a struggle and unnatural. I get all mechanical and artificial and that's never a good thing.
Being in a complicated "relationship" also does not makes things any easier. I am single, and I've already accepted that. But at the same time, I feel like I'm chained to my so-called 'ex'. I've made mistakes in this almost five year relationship I admit, but I'm not the one who called it quits because I was unhappy. I still wanted to keep going, be strong for the both of us. But now, after about a month or so of being apart, do I really want to recommit myself to something that brings slight happiness, but the baggage and burden of the mistakes that will always blight any chance of a fresh start? I feel like I owe it to this person for standing by my side through some of the darkest parts of my young adult life, but if I'm unhappy with the way things are, how will that even work? Time seems to be a factor here, and although we both go to the same university, I don't graduate for at least another year, and they graduate in two months. We're so close physically, but so distant at the metaphorical level. Is it only at their convenience that the relationship will work? Because seriously, I'm not down with that kind of shit.
Maybe I just need someone else to spark an otherwise dwindling flame. Who knows...
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