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Conversations after midnight
Friday. 5.15.09 11:19 am
Leave one with solutions and questions, frowns and smiles.
I'm at work.
Bleh to work.
I want to go back to school.
I'd rather do that than be here at work.
I want to teach.
I want to have my own library and I want to own my bookstore.
I want to bake pies and sell books for a living.
I'm starting to feel restless.
I don't want to make a mistake.
I want to see and hear and do.
I want to be.
I want I want I want,
Me Me Me,
Mine, Mine, Mine.....
I sound sorta selfish when looking back on it.
I wish alot of things.
None of which can happen.
But i'm hopeing.
Which....is a feat, because I'm not a very patient person.
Well, I guess I'm not waiting all that well.
But, perhaps one day,
one fine day...
Perhaps on that day my wishing and praying will come about.
Especially on that one thing specifically....
It would make me happy.
I didn't say anything here.
Thursday. 4.30.09 12:34 pm
First off, stupid Wendy's dollar chicken burgers!!
Secondly, this is an excerpt from elsewhere....
I don't want to go to the wedding.
Firstly, I don't much care for bobby. It's not that I hate him so much that I don't know him. The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving '07. It's been 2 years. I don't even know Toe's babies. It's distance and age and prejudice. It's bad, but it's true. I'll be glad to see mom and dad, but even then I worry. I worry about what'll be said and how we'll leave each other. They have a tendancy to really push me. And not in a good way. Never a good way. But, I'll go and once i'm there i'll be happy that I went. That's usually the way of the world.
The more I hear about it, and with this whole Swine Flu thing - I want to leave. There's this part of me that wants to save money and just leave. Move to Italy for a year. Spain for another. London for yet another and Australia for who knows how long. I mean, think about it....If the swine flu gets really bad, then what?! Will it matter that I haven't graduated college? Will I be sad because I don't make 40,000 a year? Will I be worried about my house or clothes? No. I'll be upset because I haven't seen these things. I'll be upset because I never got to stand on my bridge in Venice. I'll hate myself for never eating Gellato in Italy or seeing the Tower of London. I'll have never witnessed the running of the Bulls, or have sit on a foreign beach watching the sun set. No. I'll have stayed in Texas. I'll have been sitting here in this crap job serving crap popcorn to crap people stressing myself over school and trying to live up to all these expencations. But, then I think about leaving and I get homesick for my parents and brother. I love those 3 people more than any of them will ever know (no matter how much I want to beat them sometimes) the thought of being away from them for SO LONG pulls at my heartstrings quite strongly. But, I've been away from them for so long NOW that I wonder how much diffrence it would actually be.
Alll those thoughts leave me running circles in my brain....
Argh! at this rate, i'll never have my bookshop/pie store, which is what I ACTUALLY want to do! And to actually be a libraian?! ANOTHER 2 years of school?! Is it worth it?
I want a family. I want a farm. I want simplicity and the country. Laredo was too much of an in between to let me know that. It was too small town and forced me to want the city life. Fort Worth was just big enough to show me how horrible it is! I mean, it has it's points but STILL! It's all hustle and bustle and traffic and morning coffe to make you go - not because you enjoy it.
What difference am I actually making? What do I matter in the world RIGHT.NOW.?
But, I don't want to leach myself onto anyone elses dream. I don't want to follow anyone just because..........
I want to do this - and I don't want to do it for myself. But....there's so many variables it's nauseating. NAUSEATING.
But the thing is, it isn't my dream. It was someone else's first. And I don't want to impeade on that. I don't. It's up to them if they want to let me in.
I don't know. I don't know where this leaves me, but it's not in the places i've been before and that's scary cause it's so new and so alien a thought to all I've thought before. I'm changing - but it's into a much simpler person than before.
Friday. 4.10.09 10:43 am
1. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair I guess. Though it's not something i'm compulsive about.
2. What color is your favorite hoodie? It's black and says "NORTH TEXAS" in green across the chest. Either that or my bright pink one that has a picture of JEM and "Totally outrageous" in the back. If anyone knows where that's from you're so awesome.
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes. Of course.
4.Do you plan outfits? Sometimes, if it's an important day - or if I feel like I've been trapped in my uniform for too long.
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Tired. *yawn* went to bed late and I opened today.
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? A box cutter. Or a tub of DIBS depending on which side you're looking at.
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? Aim. Because when letters are next to each other - they tend to spell things, like words.
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? It was last night and it was about Smallville. I don't remember most of it - but I woke up uneasy.
9. Did you meet anybody new today? Not yet. But the day is long and barely begun.
10. What are you craving right now? Reciprocation. Or a hot dog. Whichever comes first.
11. Do you floss? Not NEARLY as much as I should. It's going to get me into trouble, I know it.....
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Patch Kids. The one I had that had in the blue dress. She never had a name - but I loved her
13. When was the last time you talked on aim? *psh*......when I was up in Denton, so about a year ago.
14. Are you emotional? lol....yea. More so than I ever intend on being - but I am.
15. Would you dance to the taco song? If I knew what the heck you were talking about - I'd consider it.
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? Yea. Sometimes waiting can be tedioius.
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick it. My two front teeth are sensitive to the cold, so it hurts when i bite.
18. Do you like your hair? I used to not - but now that it's getting long, and thus behaving better - i'm becoming more confident in it.
19. Do you like yourself? I do. ^_^ I am a fairly cool person. A few years ago - saying that would have been a stretch of the imagination.
20. Have you ever met a celebrity? lol - yes. I met Carson Daily and was a floor below and a few feet away from janet jackson.
21. Do you like cottage cheese? Only with canned Pinneapple. I don't know why - but that's the only way it tastes any good and doesn't resemble spoiled milk.
22. What are you listening to right now? Tiny children debating wether or not they want popcorn or yelling out what candy they want in my general direction.
23. How many countries have you visited? 2. Mexico and Canada. That number is going to rise significantly sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. Much sooner.
24. Are your parents strict? They can be. But it's nothing over bearing.
25. Would you go sky diving? Maybe. I'd poop my pants on the way down and possibly die because i'd black out and not pull the string - or else get hit by a bird - but.....The idea of it is pretty fascinating.
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Is he paying?
27. Would you throw potatoes at him? No....poptatoes are yummy. And though I don't like him - potatoes would also hurt!
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room youâ€™re in? ......um, light reflection off the water bottles in the fridge behind me?
29. Have you ever been in a castle? Yes. In california when I was about 8 or 9. It was a real castle from Ireland that had been shipped over. And if you count Excalibur (the hotel in Las Vegas which is shaped like a castle and themed after Camelot) then that makes 2 castles.
30. Do you rent movies often? Not every week, but I try to. I like watching movies. :D
31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? I have no math class. SUCK ON THAT!!
32. Have you made a prank phone call? No....not since I was in middle school.
33. Do you own a gun? Nope. Not at all.
34. Can you count backwards from 74? uh.....duh?
35. Who are you going to be with tonight? Jaden, Tiny, Alice, jack, Kaylee, and Aldo
36. Brown or white eggs? white.
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? I own multiple things from Hot Topic.
38. Ever been on a train? Yes. a few times here in the Metroplex, and one time in Canada.
39. Ever been in love? Maybe.
40. Do you have a cell-phone? Yes. But, I'd like a new one. Though - I'd like alot of things, really.
41. Are you too forgiving? Depends on who you ask. I think i'm just right though. Like little bear.
42. Do you use chap stick? I use a lipsmaker gloss and I recently bought 2 sticks of lipstick - though i'm so not used to wearing it that i hardly ever touch it - or if i do use them, they don't last very long.
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? um....I don't know. Probably something youth oriented or else packing or cleaning or deciding on paint.
44. Can you use chop sticks? sure can! self taught too
45. Ever have cream puffs? Yes.
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yes I have. But this question is offically the lamest question ever. Ever.
47. What was the last question you asked? What's the average grade of the school groups?
48. What was the last CD you bought? I haven't bought a cd in YEARS........
49. Boys or girls? Boys.
50. What is your bus number for school? No bus. No school.
51. Is your hair curly? Yep :)
52. Last time you cried? A few night ago. I think on Kristina Day.
53. Ever walked into a wall? lol......oh the number of times i've accompished this feat....
54. Do looks matter? No. It's who they are.
55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? Yes.
56. Have you ever slapped someone? .........only when i'm fake fighting in line.
57. Favorite time of the year? Autumn
58. Favorite color? Light brown/Light Blue, and a slew of other color combinations.
59. Are you sarcastic? I don't think so
60. Do you have any tattoos? Yes. One. And i'm hopeing to add to it before I turn 25
61. The last person you held hands with? A v. good friend.
62. Do you sleep with the TV on? NO! it needs to be dark and quiet.
63. Where was your default picture taken at? A subway in the medical district
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Yes. But not hate, not nearly hate.
65. Do you like your life right now? There are things that need improving. At various degrees, but overall - i know i'm heading somewhere good.
66. How often do you talk on the phone? Every day.
67. What is your favorite animal? Jellyfish! or Giraffe! or Elephant! or Manatee! or WHALE!
68. What was the most recent thing you bought? A purse and bracelet from hot topic.
69. Do you have good vision? Nope. I'll be getting my contacts soon though. And i'm probably going to get new glasses as well.
70. Can you hula hoop? lol....no. no i'm awful at it. simply awful.
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Depends on who they were, what exactly happened, and how I really feel about them. But it's not something that's ever easy to forgive.
72. Do you have a job? Currently at it.
73. Can you handle the truth? I can handle it - the question is how well.
74. What are you wearing? Kahki's and a white polo. Museum Uniform.
75. Have you ever crawled through a window?lol......oh yes. Thank you Aldo for the answer to this question.
It seems where Demons fail and Monsters faulter, Angels may prevail
Tuesday. 3.31.09 11:32 am
I'm at work so this won't be exactly what I want it to be. But, still.
I don't know what the hell i'm doing.
There are things I want to do and alot of it will happen after summer. Well, not all of it. I'm going to take a class at TCC (community college) this summer. I need to go and enroll and do everything I need to come to think of it. It'll also have to be this month....*sigh*. There's that procrastination biting me again. In any case, Yes. School. I want in. Hopefully University will start again in the fall. The only thing standing between me and a degree + a classroom is 6000 dollars. Oh, how I hate money.....
I also talked to my parents. This is always a plus AND a negative. I just don't know what to tell them anymore. I told mom I won't be going back in May, which is what they've been pushing for. She seemed uneasy about it - but understands. Eddie will be going home for who knows how long. He's a good kid, and I know all the why's and how's but i wonder how he came to that decision and if he'll actually be happy. My cousin's kidney's are failing. I'm actually close to him. I think about him all the time and his family has already gone through alot recently. His kidney's are currently operating at about 5%. My dad said it was high blood pressure, but I know that drinking has alot more to do with it than he's letting on. He's going on the transplat list - but there's no telling what'll happen. My great aunt also passed away. A little family drama there as I wasn't informed of it until after the funeral. I was deemed unimportant to be informed. So, though it's nice to hear my parents voice - the phoen calls are now always doom and gloom. You have to do this. You owe money here. Why are you there? Just come home. Why don't you call? Your brother is screwing up. The list just goes on and on. I don't answer most times because when they call it's hardly ever good times. And if it is, it's only because we're both conciosuly making an effort not to talk about these things. It's frustrating. Why would I want to go back to that? To hiding and secrecy and not talking things out and social contracts?
Work is going well. Well...for what it is. Right now i'm part time and under at 1000 hour rule. Can't work over 20 hours a week which makes my somewhat decent pay void. But, I like my job. My co-workes. And it always seems like just around the corner if I just wait long enough - this job is going to pan out. Especially if all the rumors about sodexho are true. Which, supposedly they are since Josh is the one telling them. He's one of the upper echilon guys so he'd be one of the ones to know. *sigh*
I like the apt. Last night there was a short storm. My roommate was working on a report and we were watching buffy eating a dinner that i had made. I got up and walked out onto the balcony. Just stood there, looking. And I thought "I'm happy." I mean, obviously, there's room for improvement, but I've felt myself sliding into a more contended place. Though it's a limited feeling. I think it's more inside of myself for me and with me than in my current general placement in life. Through conversations i've had, prayers i've prayed, thoughts' i've thought and things that i've seen - i've come to feel more comfortable with myself than I think I ever have before.
As for my placement in life?
well, there's more than room for improvement. But it's surrounded by confusion, longing, apprehensiveness, and a spoonful of fear of the unknown. BUT! I've decided to actually start working on myself in this respect. To actually let go and let GOD. No more OMLWSWD moments. And I think I know what it's going to take. I'm not gonna lie, it's scary and it's out of my area of comfort - but perhaps that's the whole point of this. But, I'm going to go back to church. Get into a small group, if there's any. It's the only way to accomplish this. I thought it the other day, and I know it came from God, but the reason that everything in my life has been tripping up is because i've been trying to get back to Him. Something doesn't want me to. Something wants to keep me down. The only reason that happens, is if i'm destended to do great things. So, why not fufill it? Volunteering at the Wesley Center has shown me a couple of things that I otherwise would have never known. All of this has to be leading somewhere doesn't it?
And this is just ME!
How my best friend has been able to keep the shreds of sanity he has left is beyond me. If he wasn't so strong I don't know if he'd be in the place that he is now. Anyone else I could see jumping head first into a deep dark bad place and going red kryptonite on people. I don't know if I could be doing what he's doing. I don't know if very many could. *sigh* I'm trying to help and be there for him...but once again I don't know what i'm doing and sometimes I feel that I hinder more than help. It's my fault though. I've let feelings and hurts get in the way. Which, albiet isn't 100% my fault, but I could be doing better with those feelings. I think part of it is that I'm not talking about it and so it festers. But, at the end of the day I have no one to talk about it with, so I continue and try to work it alone. Though at times that doesn't leave me with the best decisions. I guess in the big picture it's a smallish thing. There are much bigger things happening right now. MUCH bigger things. In fact, I feel bad writing that down at all....which leads to me not talking about it. It's a cycle. Perhaps it's all in the perspective. I think I need contacts. Maybe glasses are inhibit too much of my field of vision. Well, I know what it is that I want, and if things work in a year, or two or five then it'll be just as ok then as it is now. I think it's just pressure. It feels like everyone is getting married and I feel so behind. I don't think it helps that my birthday is approaching. Maybe I'm just starting to feel old.
I don't know if I said much, or what I was going to say - but a crowd is coming in and I have to go.
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