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Jon?

You got me so..
Thursday, March 1, 2007
I’m not trying to pressure you
Just can’t stop thinkin’ ’bout you
You ain’t even really gotta be my girlfriend
I just wanna know your name, and maybe some time,
We can hook up, hang out, just chill


"The best things in life are chocolate," Britney says after offering me some dark chocolate.
"Well, you should get with me then. I'll be the chocolate to your caramel, baby doll," I think to myself. I should've said it out loud.

Anyway, I'm in the 7-9:45 PM night class I have every Monday(and only Monday, one day a week for three hours.) and she's sitting next to me. We talk on and off over the span of the next four hours, three in class and then one walking her back to her dorm, during which time I learn there's some other guy who likes her.

"Hm.. I wonder where I should take him on the 20th, his 18th birthday," she ponders outloud. "We usually go to clubs and I get him in anyway, but.."

I tell her to take him to Chuck E. Cheese and I hope she does, so that a giant rat will eat him.

[]

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Sit down, this may take awhile..
Sunday. 2.11.07 5:58 pm
See, this girl, she.. She sort of looks like you
She even smiles just the way you do
So innocent she seemed but I was schooled
I’m reminded when I look at you
You remind me of a girl that I once knew

"Know what, Brit?" I asked in the midst of reaching into my right pocket before pulling out my cellular and flipping it open. "Let me get your number." I tilted my head down and busied myself with the keypad for a moment, but kept my eyes on hers.

I was trying to read her.

She was still grinning from ear to ear when she pulled her own phone out from her back pocket a moment later and proceeded to list the digits. I punched it in and stuck the phone back into my pocket before we made plans to meet up later in the week to prepare for an upcoming examination.

She calls me on a Wednesday afternoon and suggests we meet up later in the evening, once our classes conclude. I call her around 6:45 after my legal class and tell her I' done for the day. "Yeah," she starts, "Well, I'm really hungry. You should come have dinner with me. Meet up at the Cafe when you get here?" I say yes, of course, and hurry home.

I'm greeted by 10 people when I walk into my dorm suite. My roommates are running another poker game tonight, so its pretty crowded in the main common area, and its pretty difficult to make my way past all the chairs and people scattered about to reach my room. I change. Twice. Three times. In the end, I tossed on a hoodie after realizing a good twenty minutes had passed, put on some Law and Order, and called her to say that I can't make it to dinner, but that we could still meet up afterwards to study.

So we're in a private room for two hours or so, and every time our eyes meet I flinch. Shes a tall girl, with long hair and eyes every bit as deep and just the same tint as Caitlin's. When Brit would tilt her head after either one of us would make a joke and flash a smile, I was taken back to Cait's car and remembering every time she smiled. After awhile I just stopped sustaining long periods of eye contact. We finished studying, and she called it a night after a practice test. I bid her adieu, went back to my dorm, collapsed on my bed and stayed up thinking til I couldn't think anymore





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Tonight, I seek the truth.
Friday. 1.19.07 3:29 am
Regret is a pill to spill
That never quite goes down

I'e spent the last couple of hours watching The Fox and the Hound, all the way through once and then to selected scenes. My favorite scenes are the ones with Copper(Hound)And Todd(Fox) are playing and promise to be best friends forever. Take a step back and remember a person who once meant the whole damn world to you and think of all the promises you made to her... or him. Reflect back to a time when you knew that person's heart completely, and they knew yours--- when you could play Taboo, Pictionary, or one of those Partner games with ‘em and be on a whole 'nother level when it comes to scoring. Now think to the relationship you have with 'em today. If things are still the same, then believe you me, you are blessed.

The fox to my hound.. we're good. Emotions that I have laid dormant behind the four chambers of this blood pumpin' organ are always gonna' be intertwined with memories of long ago, because whenever I think back to my days in H.S., JR high, even some elementary, she'll be there. I can't speak on her behalf, but I reckon that she'd say the same of me. In the words of every football coach and my new math teacher, "It is what it is."

"we'll be friends forever.. won't we?"
"Forever is a long, long time.. and time has a way of changing things."

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Memory
Wednesday. 11.8.06 9:06 am
her: Why do you sound so nervous?
him: 'Cause.. I'm scared.
her: Of?
him: That I'll mess this up..
her: Don't worry. You won't.

That was three years ago.

A little more than three weeks have passed since she confessed her thoughts concering marrying her son's surrogate father. Because she sometimes reads my nutang, I didn't want to write anything down here.

A lot has happened since then... At first I decided to keep my thoughts concerning how I felt to myself. I didn't tell her that I still believe in all the things we said over the past seven years about being soul mates and marriage. Didn't tell 'er about my plans to have a four day school week next semester so I could spend the weekends with her, or about my week off in december and the decision I had made to drive up to see her. I did not tell her that a part of my heart, if not all, would always have her name engraved all over it and wanted to know if she felt the same. Til last week.
She told me she did.

She doesn't know if shes going to marry him. All she knows is that she loves him, she loves her son, he loves her, he loves her son, and I'm 300 miles away and haven't had the time, or the will, to visit since summer. And she and I both know that if she does marry him then she'd have a real family for her son to grow up in sooner than if she were to wait for me to get the seven-eight years of college over and done with. And I know that no matter how much she may love me, and no matter how long we've had it in the back of our heads that we're meant to be together and that everyone else we date were the prologue to the novel we were to write, she has to do what is best for her and her son, and right now it ain't me. And I can't expect her to wait another seven years until I get out of law school.

I'm trying my best to move on. I was with this new girl just last week at a group study session and she invited me back to her place when we were done. I went, we talked for a good hour and a half, sitting side by side on her couch, just the two of us. And this girl would be almost perfect for me. Shes really smart and I believe she is studying Political science and African American studies. She even wants to go to UC Berkely Lawschool, like me. Last but not least, shes beautiful.

But I made the mistake of looking her in the eye, and what I realized when our eyes met made my stomach turn. I realized that if she says ' I do, ' and I'm here 17 hours away, then for the rest of my life whenever I look another woman in the eye, and I mean really Look, I'm going to remember the way she looked at me after our first kiss that made me tremble.

As for the new girl... I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I can feel the weight of her stare when I walk past and I sense all her questions that linger in the air. I want to tell her... something. Not sure what. I'll tell her I suck at life or something.


her: tell me what I want to hear.
him: Uh.. um.. okay.. bye?
her: Aww. That's not it.
him: Mm.. I love you.
her: Do you?
him: Yeah.
her: Well.. I'm in love with you.

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'For goodness sake, we need a break'
Thursday. 10.19.06 2:21 am
I've been walking around all day, thinking
I think I have a problem
I think I think too much


"I don't know, Samira.. it's pretty late," was my reply to her invitation watch a movie at 12:30 AM. I had just gotten off the phone with Caitlin, and was ready for bed.

"I know, but it's one of those scary ones and I really don't wanna' watch it on my own. Look, you can come over tonight and spend the night after the movie. I've got an extra blanket and you can sleep on the floor."

I scoffed. Sleep on the floor? As though I'd--

"Or in my bed."

I pulled on an over shirt 'cause it gets cold down here at night, and some flip flops before stepping out. My roommates were having a poker game, so around 15 people were waiting outside my bedroom door. I think making my away across the
"living area" presented more danger than walking to Sam's dormitory, with all the empty water bottles, pizza boxes and people everywhere, but that's beside the point and the main story. It takes me a good five minutes to make my way up the four flights of stairs in her building, and another to walk down the hall. She was waiting outside her room for me though, so I didn't have to wait outside for long.

I'm sitting at the edge of her bed, huddled up against the wall while she lays beneath the sheets. My previous entry talks about the last time I was in her bed, just in case any of the two and a half people who read these entries are wondering if it's the same girl. When the movie ends, I bolt. Thank 'er for the invitation, and make my way out the door and back to my bed ten minutes later at around 2 AM, with a class in 8 hours.

The conversation I had with Caitlin was one of the main reasons I opted not to spend the night. You know what its like when your head conflicts with your heart? Kind'a like when you want to eat that honey bun but you know its unhealthy for 'ya. Or, when you find someone you wish to devote all your heart to, but there are so many reasons in your head as to why you shouldn't. What was going on in my head then, and now, is akin to the trials faced within the parameters of the mind of Hamlet, debating "To be, or not to be," and much like Hamlet, there are blocking agents that prevent me from obtaining what I desire, which is to find happiness within the confines of "Love." And sitting up in her bed that night made me question if I could ever settle for anyone other than Caitlin. As of right now, it looks as though I may have to, thanks to those blocking agents I alluded to earlier. When it comes to her, it looks as though I have no choice but to wait outside for long.

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No one wins. One side just looses more slowly.
Sunday. 10.1.06 8:38 pm
Strumming my pain with her fingers
Singing my life with her words
Killing me softly with her song,
Telling my whole life with her song


" Do I look like the type to go clubbing,"
"Nope,she said with a gaze and a smile, sizing me up like Detective Stabler.

I shrug it off and lie back down on her bed. I ask that question a lot, the "\ I look like the type of (Person, Negro, man, boy, super hero) to do that? Anyway, I'm lying on her bed 'cause my dorm suite has the AC cut off, and I didn't feel like sweating that night. I saw a few friends, saw a few acquaintances, and then went to her place. Me and her, we met a few weeks back in the cafeteria and had what the science majors would call 'Chemistry.' She invited me back to her place, and for three weeks or so I chose to stay home and watch Law and Order or study instead. ( Just a week ago I skipped out on a trip to the movies in order to watch the season premier of law and order. Nothing short of the rapture or a family emergency, is taking me away from my hero Jack McCoy.)

So she's getting ready, bringing out all these outfits and asking me what goes with what, as though I had a clue, and I'm looking around her room.I ask her about the pictures on her wall, and she tells me one of 'em is her boyfriend. Two hundred miles away, and two months strong. Is that strong? I'm not sure And before Biz Markie's "Just Friends" started playing in my head, the boy calls and speaks to me for a good 2 minutes( 1 was filled with awkward pauses,) before asking for her again.

"He's a good guy..." he starts to say after awhile before moving the phone from her ear and looking at me. 'He hung up," She said with a shrug, and went back to getting dressed. I walked her downstairs and waiting with her til the ride to the club showed up, then went back to my dorm to watch The Wire. She invited me back to her place Monday night but I think we may just go to Borders or some quiet place Instead. I won't push for nothing though, as not to become "That guy,"the one who sleeps in the beds of taken women and takes girls out while their boyfriends are 200 miles away.
Besides, do I seem like the type to make a move on another man's girl? Nah.









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Sunday. 9.3.06 10:01 pm
Why do I write
All of this passionate music tonight
When all that I wanted was you in my life


"Hey,.." I tilt my head up and reposition the phone so that my voice could be as clear as possible. "I love you. I know I don't say it much, but I really mean it."
"Hey,..." She imitates me, and I can feel her smile through the phone. She musters up some bravado and puts as much bass in her voice necessary to match my tone, "I love you too, Jon."

We had been on the phone for over two hours before we said our goodbyes. The last time I saw her, Michelle, not the one I was torturing myself over in the last entry(maybe more on that later,) was at her birthday party. I'd guess of the thirty or fourty people there, I knew five.. and of those five, I really knew two.. her, and another guy I've known since the 8th grade( the same year I met Michelle.) A few weeks ago I wrote an entry filled that foreshadowed my adventure at the party, an entry about fiestas not being my element(I prefer siestas.)
Long story short, I came, no one was there, so I went home to grab a text book and came back, everyone was there, I read, she complained, I mingled, I read, and I got into a conversation with a man over corporate controlled media manipulating the average american. The conversation was eventually broken up when the other people at the party said we were killing the mood. I think we were just killing their buzz.I left early. I gave her a diary for a gift, and she wrapped her arms around me for the last time before I walked away.

"Your writing.. its melancholic. I like it. Theres something about despair, tragedy, sadness, thats beautiful and your entries capture it." Funny. I knew my entries were wistful at times, but not to the degree where they'd be put in a catagory as ' Desperate,tragic,' and 'sad.' I guess the background doesn't exactly scream 'Happy Happy Joy Joy,' but maybe with a little help from the invisible one it'll yell 'Content.'

Which is what I am
I got my first paycheck, and the first person I remember calling was Caitlin to tell her I was gona' spend my money on booze and women and I could just hear her saying 'Whatever," in her head before I confessed I had no idea what I'd do with it.She knows me well enough to know I abstain from just about everything considered a vice. I was just with two of my three roommates on a way to a party before I decided to turn around and head back home. Wasted boys and girls, beer pong and free food may sound enticing.. but its not me.

Then again, I'm out of my element at parties.

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Wednesday. 8.23.06 1:07 am
Do you ever look back on how it used to be
Though we've grown apart and gone astray
Lately, you're all that I'm thinking of
'cause I'll never forget my first love

"I'm torturning myself..."
I put her picture away by turning the digital camera off, and rolled over in bed, onto my back. I got into my thinking position, both hands behind my back before I started to wince.. I'm in college now.. left home about a week ago, drove six hours south to get here. My father is.. was, sick. Had surgery on his kidneys, so I didn't want to leave so early. My mother has been moping since I left, and my kid sister is also sad.. she calls me, and asks " What do you want to talk about," as if I'm one of her girlfriends.. I can't believe shes old enough to have girlfriends who she can talk on the phone to about nonsense.
My elder sister is also in college.. medschool or sumfin. They're all expecting great things out of me.Parents, sisters... friends of the family. My friends... even old friends, like Marcel. We don't talk anymore, but I know she still checks this to see if I got my creative spark back. Its just as well... people move in and out of our lives so frequently.
I don't want to let them down. My family, my friends, Marcel.. even Dave, founder of Nutang. I spoke to him awhile ago and told him my plans, and I think he believes I can do it.. I think.. know I can, too.
Thing is, its 12:54, I have class in 9 hours, and I'm sitting here writing because I'm torturing myself.

I kick my legs over the side of the bed and sit up. I move the hands from behind my head to infront and bury my face. Not 'cause I'm feeling any pressure, and I'm really not despite what you may believe after reading the previous paragraph.. but its not pressure. Yeah, I wanna' make those people proud.. my parents, my friends, people who know me and know of me.. I want them all to think I did something worthwhile. But.... none of that would matter to me if that girl in the picture.. the girl in the pictures, isn't apart of the life I make out for myself. I've been planning for awhile now, planning to go to college, transfer out in three, three 1/2 years( don't wanna' go the fullf our, ) to law school.. a big one, a good one. Harvard, UC Berkly, Duke. And then.. Know what?
Its her fault.

We were in elementary school the first time she told me she loved me. We were kids when she'd tell me about how we were soulmates, destined to be together. Honesstly, I didn't believe it back then.. I was eleven, twelve, and thought Bo and Hope from days of our lives were the only soul mates.. them and Nala and Simba. It was maybe.. sometime in junior high, or my freshman year when I really believed it. Really felt it. Now its five, six, seven years after and so much has happened, but so little has changed in regards to what my heart is telling me.
I'm in college. I'm s'posed to meet new people, she already beat me to it, so I should join the club.. meet new people, atleast for now. Afterall, the plan doesn't really take effect until after I'm through with college and enter law school.. if I enter law school, which may only happen if I stop torturning myself.

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