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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Kind of scary...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
I had a dream that the cast of Family Guy was going on some sort of expedition next to a river that was mostly flowing down a series of hills.

At some point, Meg wandered into a dark building, away from the rest of the group. It was made of old wood, but without any cracks to let in light, so when she walked in, the only light came from the doorway behind her.

Anyway, she stood in the darkness, and I saw a massive spider in front of her. It was horrifyingly big, and covered the entire barn-sized wall. As she stood there, it shot out a leg at her face.

Instinctively, I knew that it had just plucked something off her face to eat. It repeated this action several times, and I knew it was picking off her lips and nose, bits of skin, her eyes. Strangely, she just stood there, although her cries of "aah!" and "ow!" became somewhat muffled after it took her lips. I couldn't see her face because it was in shadow, but the knowledge of what was happening made me sick, so I crept out, stopping behind her for a moment to look back and wonder why she wouldn't move as the spider kept disassembling her face.

Somehow this dream felt more creepy than the one I had a few nights ago where the men pulled the limbs off that guy. I don't know what I'm doing that's giving me these dreams... X|

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Tuesday, September 13, 2011
So, I've now been FORMALLY diagnosed with major depression.


Granted, it was over the phone, but I mean, I figure the doctors at Stanford know their stuff.

I don't know why this is so funny. I guess it's like living your life for six years and then one day a doctor calls you and tells you "you probably already know this, but you have a nose."

Anyway, I think I'm scheduled for a brain scan on Friday, and they'll pay me $50. Or something like that. Fun times.


Oh yeah, and also, I started reading Shades of Grey by Jasper Fforde. Unlike Party Monster, which I had been reading for the past few weeks at a very slow pace, I uh, sort of stayed up until 5 AM reading it, and then only stopped because my brain had shut down to the point where I could barely process any of it.

It's about a world where people live in a hierarchical class system based on the colors they can perceive. The main character is a Red, or a person who can naturally only see reds. I think the Reds are the lowest Chromatics (people who can see color) on the scale, with Violets being the highest. I'm not exactly sure how the rankings work, but I think it's just based on the visible light spectrum order. Oh, and they have synthetic colors that everyone can see (but the synthetics are in short supply).

Anyway, the Greys are like the serfs of the society. They have to do all the hard labor and the undesirable tasks that the Chromatics don't want to do. In the village that the main Red relocates to, the Yellows (who are the rule enforcers) have the Greys working sixteen hour days because of overemployment (I don't quite understand that part). The Greys aren't treated as subhuman, but they're definitely looked down upon by the upper classes.

Everybody in the society lives according to the Rules, which were set down by Munsell (prophet or god figure of some sort). Some of them are reasonable, but other don't make any sense at all. For instance, one meal a day is required (they usually have lunch at the town hall), and after fifty years of work a person is free to do whatever they wish during their retirement, but it's illegal to make new spoons (they just have to pass the existing ones from centuries ago along or scavenge for them) and not conforming to the dress code is a serious offense.

I think it's a pretty good book, although it took me a little while to get into the writing style of the author. I also think it would make a fantastic movie, even if we're seeing everything through the eyes of the main character, which would make for a strange color scheme.


So I just finished the book, and was crestfallen when I found out that the story wasn't concluded. There were fewer and fewer pages to go, and it didn't seem like anything was wrapping itself up. Then, to my delight, I see on the last page a notice about Shades of Grey 2 and 3. Excitedly, I turned my computer on to see if they were available and possibly purchase them impulsively.

Turns out that Shades of Grey 2 isn't actually due out for another two years.



Lastly, that Spontaneous Combustion hot sauce is AWESOME. It's hot enough that it makes my eyes water and my nose run, and leaves a fairly strong burn in my mouth. I've been dousing my food with it, which helps me pace myself when I eat. I also tried putting a drop into hot cocoa, which was quite nice, actually. You'd think the garlic and whatever flavoring would make it unpleasant, but all that was noticeable was the heat.

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There is stuff in this post
Friday, September 9, 2011
Some of that stuff is pictures!

Here's the tater twister thing I got at the Boardwalk.

I am aware that this is a very late picture. Oh well. By the way, it wasn't that great, so I don't think I'd get it again...

For all your tasty salted pig parts needs, of course.

A chair at the jewelry store I went to with my mom yesterday in Monterey...

In case you were unaware, rock stars are capable of telling the future.

Or maybe it's just Elvis.

HOT SAUCE! I look forward to trying this...

I got a new dress... amazingly enough it's not black.

Kinda dark, but if you look closely you can see that it says "PEACE" on the back.

It looks less shapeless when you actually put it on, thankfully.

So, I went to Monterey yesterday with my mom and brother. We visited the aquarium, which was... uneventful, I guess. They've put in a puffin exhibit since we were last there though, which was nice. Also, they got a new sunfish (the old one died). The new sunfish is really creepy looking.

(Ripped that picture from the Monterey Bay Aquarium Tumblr, which I just now found out exists)

I mean, sunfish are kinda creepy looking anyway, I guess, but this one is REALLY creepy.

What else... hm... well, my mom and I did a little shopping and got some clothes from this Himalayan gift(?) store. That's where I got the dress... The dude minding the store kept telling us that everything was handmade, and that articles of clothing we were trying on looked like a good fit for us, etc. He also told me that the mole under my eye was a sign of good luck and that I had a lucky future.


When we were buying our stuff, he let me pick out a bead ring (price: $1) for free. While I was poking through the pile, he explained something about how in Nepal, temples are made of gold(?) and women wear bead rings to them. He also told me that if I wore the ring and wished on it, the wish would come true.

He seemed kind of full of crap, but I guess I can't fault him for trying to play it up for tourists.

Also, I don't think I mentioned it here, but I contacted some psych lab at Stanford to inquire about participating in a study, and they've called me twice since then. Well, thrice I guess, but it was two phone appointments and then a followup after the second appointment today.

They think I'd be better suited for a lower paying (but less time consuming) study instead of the one I wanted to be in... I mean, that's alright I guess. I'm kind of bummed, because it's a $450 one month+ study vs. a $50 one time scan (I think?), and the higher paying one involves playing a computer game for a month, but it's free, so there's not really anything I can reasonably complain about...

I wonder what kind of people they wanted for the other study, the one they didn't think I was right for... Kind of also wonder if I could've gotten into the other one if I'd responded differently. Meh...

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Max foofin' [2P]
Monday, September 5, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I guess this thing is a love song
Saturday, September 3, 2011
But it's not very in-your-face about it, which is nice.

I've been looking around for a new player to put on my site. I don't fancy the Playlist.com ones very much, as they can be kind of obtrusive at times.

I panic-cleaned my room today. There was a bit of a mob of tiny spiders around my desk area, so I vacuumed with fervor and then decided to tidy up my room in general. What's freaking me out is that I don't know where the tiny spiders keep coming from. It MUST be around my desk area, but I keep cleaning and it's not working, so I don't know... Perhaps behind my desk, where I can't reach? (Not a pleasant thought, I'll tell you that)

Luckily I'm not quite as afraid when they're minuscule in size, so I can just as easily squish them with a tissue as vacuum them up, but it's discomfiting to know that there may very well be a nest of spiders in my room... and that I might be sitting less than two feet from it now, completely unaware. D:

I think ten or fifteen hatched just today, which was pretty horrible. I've been seeing a few here and there in the past few months, but it was never enough to send me into a panic-cleaning like today.

Oh well... despite the mild stress, I guess I did need to straighten up in here... so something good came out of it...

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It's still August here but I'm too lazy to change the date
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Dang Nutang time zone, always wrong if you don't live on the East Coast.

I have pictures to share. They're... pretty old. X|

Some tomato/cheese/basil/toast things my mom made.

"Sweeter than love"

Why spend quality time with someone if you can just GIVE THEM BLUEBERRIES!?

Mm, tea. Yogi tea, if I remember correctly. Sounds like a "Confucius say" type thing.

I made vegan chocolate cupcakes a while back.

My initial attempt at frosting them didn't go that well.

The frosting I made wasn't chocolate, but carob, and the instructions were to cook it and then let it cool. At first I followed the instructions, but then I realized...

...I could probably get away with not letting it cool completely.

I ended up pouring the frosting on like a glaze, and it came out all shiny and pretty.

The little red icing hearts were a pain to do, though. The cupcakes and frosting were a breeze, but I agonized over those little hearts.

(I hid the ones with ugly hearts in the back)

Today I vacuumed my room, but my cellphone charger was on the floor and the cord got sucked into the vacuum. Our vacuum looks more or less like this:

And my cellphone charger cord got wound around inside the head of the attachment. I tried to pull it out to no avail, so I had to disassemble the attachment and untangle it.

Anyway, the cord got kind of scraped up/mangled, so I'm a little afraid to use it.

Also, our freezer stopped working for a couple days. It was just long enough for everything inside to melt, and then today it randomly started working again. We have no idea what the problem is. Unfortunately I found out that my mom had been storing some frozen blood worms (I don't even know why, and she thinks it was for some long-dead pet of ours) right above the ice chute, so when I tried to get ice today... blood worm juice came out with it. :( I was not exactly pleased. Actually though, I was just rather concerned, but that concern quickly turned to horror when she told me what the brown stuff in my cup was. X|

Luckily I hadn't put any liquids into the cup, so nothing got wasted but the ice...

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Among other things
Monday, August 29, 2011
I had a dream last night, and it fit me like a glove...

Oh wait, no, that's not right. Although I did have a dream last night.

It involved standing in a classroom next to the teacher's desk, where Rikki Simons, the voice of GIR, was sitting. The classroom was garishly lit with those long fluorescent bulbs, and all the desks were occupied by GIR fangirls. Everytime Rikki Simons said something, they all squealed, mimicked what he said in GIR voices, and giggled amongst themselves. They weren't just average, run-of-the-mill looking girls, either. They all had various similar sorts of cutesy-quirky outfits on, with some wearing fuzzy animal hats and some with dyed strips of hair and poofy ponytails jutting out of their heads. More or less anime fangirl types, I guess, but all specifically GIR/Invader ZIM ones.

I walked out of the classroom to go fishing on the lawn, and laughed to myself, thinking that he had the worst job in the world.

Besides the dream, I got summoned for jury duty. Yay...? My brother keeps telling me that if I have to be a juror for a murder case, to vote guilty no matter what. X| "You'll probably be there for a few days. I'VE SEEN LAW AND ORDER," he says. I can't wait for him to leave for college... should be pretty soon...

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Up to
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Oh hey

What's up?

Nothing much, just listening to some music and doing everything ever completely wrong.


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