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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Monday, October 3, 2011
I spend my copious amounts of free time at school either reading for class or perusing Psychology Today/The Scientific American/The Scientific American Mind.

Something I found interesting that was mentioned in these:

-In a dating situation, men find women more attractive when they laugh
-Men's laughter has no impact whatsoever
-In order of most attractive to least attractive facial expression, for men: happy, ashamed, prideful
-In order of most attractive to least attractive facial expression, for women: prideful, ashamed, happy

I can't remember what the reasoning behind the laughter thing was, I think it had something to do with men perceiving female laughter as flirtatious, but the facial expression thing... Supposedly pride suggests power to women, whereas smiling implies weakness of some sort. :S

On the other hand, men view mirthful women as uh... well, happier and healthier, maybe? Probably has something to do with fertility. All this stuff always does. But women who look too proud don't appear as "feminine" because power is a historically masculine trait...


Oh! Funny story. For Basic Photography we had to do a blind walk (you walk around and take pictures blindfolded), and me and my partner went over to this large group of people surrounding a stage. On the stage were a couple of men with shirts on that said "JESUS HATES SIN" and stuff like that. One of them was holding a sign that had a bunch of things on it (HOMOS, PERVERTS, PEDOPHILES, PIGS, POT SMOKERS, etc.), then "JESUS REJECTS YOU" or "JESUS HATES YOU" at the bottom. The other guy was yelling at everyone around the stage, calling everyone sinners and telling them Jesus hated them.

It was a laugh. Even better though, everyone who was around the stage was pounding on it with their fists and chanting "GO AWAY! GO AWAY!" or "I LOVE SCIENCE!"

Ahh, college.

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What I'm missing
Saturday, October 1, 2011
In several ways, I do regret getting a FB. (It also just occurred to me that that could stand for something much more heinous... but uh... moving on...)

Every time I see updates from my friends in New York, pictures, that sort of thing, I feel kind of sad. I've spent over a year being at home, feeling alone regardless of whom I'm with.

I'm not saying that I think they're living it up in New York. I mean, it's entirely possible they are, but that is not what gets me down, per se. The separation is just painful for me. I don't think I've ever missed anything so much in my life.


I have to write a 2 - 3 page story for Fiction Writing.


Pretend to be happy. Pretend to be excited. Aren't I good at that? Should be a breeze.

On a mildly related note, the story in question, Elizabeth Crane's "My Life is Awesome! And Great!" reminded me of Zanzibar while I was reading it.

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Thursday, September 29, 2011
I find it hilarious when people quote themselves. Not in a conversation type setting, mind you, but when they actually post something in this format:

"[Something intended to be funny, philosophical, etc.]"

I don't have much else to say. Here's a song I like.

And all I can think of is how much I would love
To put my body through a paper shredder
It makes me want to impale myself on a bed of nails
Or jump into the big black cauldron of boiling oil
It makes me want to twist my body round and round,
Tie myself in knots,
Tear myself in half,
Scream for joy and die and die and die and
When it gets like this,
I just don't know what to do with myself
I'm helpless,
And I don't want your help,
And there's nothing you can do anyway
I just want to end it all
And it never ends
It never ends

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Things I saw today...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
A titmouse flitting around the back patio, eyeing the peanut on the string tied to the gazebo with interest. It flew at the peanut, hung upside down from it, and pecked furiously. After several sessions of this, the peanut was released from its hanging position and fell to the ground. Seeing this, the titmouse retreated quickly to a spot a couple feet away, then after deciding it was all clear, it picked up the peanut and, with a little bit of difficulty maneuvering, sped off with it.

Considering the titmouse is only about two or three times the size of the peanut, it was quite fun to watch, lemme tell ya.

For those previously unaware, this is a titmouse:


A person in a wheelchair, ambling along ahead of me... in the right lane of the road. And not a small, winding-through-the-neighborhood road, but a moderately busy street with traffic lights and cars on it. The person started rolling faster, picking up speed, and then merged into the turn lane... I watched, dumbfounded, alternating between staring at the wheelchair person and giving concerned glances to the oncoming cars. The cars were getting closer, and I wasn't sure the wheelchair person was going to get across safely, but he/she sprinted--- well, sprinted isn't really the right word here, but the wheelchair equivalent of sprinted--- across the two left lanes of the road and onto a cross street.

The thing is, there's a crosswalk with signals not too far behind where we were on the road, so I couldn't understand why he/she decided to uh... act like a vehicle and roll around in the middle of the street. I know wheelchairs have wheels, but I think they still count as pedestrian traffic...

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What, Lucille, you gon' leave me now?
Saturday, September 24, 2011
The title is not related to this entry. I just had that song stuck in my head.

The main part of the song is in pidgin, so it might be kinda hard to understand. -Shrug-

The kids nevah eat yet, mango season not pau
I know my car stay smokin', and the stereo stay broken,
But wow, lau lau! What, Lucille, you gon' leave me now?


I volunteered with Angie today at an orchard. We actually didn't do too much... laid down cardboard over the weeds and covered them with mulch, then picked fruit.

Here are some pictures of the harvesting...

We harvested apples and asian pears. I didn't actually do any of the shaking/catching, but we were told to shake the apple trees, and that the ripe ones would fall into the tarps that people were holding.

What I DID do was "quality control." Basically, I picked through the ones that had been harvested and threw out ones with holes or bad spots, etc.

Here's a barrowful of bad ones.

Some of the "bad ones" were just injured when they fell on the ground after the tree was shaken, so the volunteers just ate those ones. I didn't personally eat any of the apples, but I did snag a few asian pears to bring home. The fruit is going to be donated to food banks, so hopefully whoever it ends up enjoys it. Fresh fruit is MUCH better than whatever canned throwaways people might end up donating on their own...

There's also a rose garden next to the orchard, which Angie and I wandered through while we waited for my dad to pick us up.

After being picked up, we went to lunch at either Sweet Tomatoes or Souplantation... I'm not entirely sure which. I think the sign outside said Sweet Tomatoes, but our receipts said Souplantation. :S The food was pretty decent, but me and Angie had some laughs about the name. "Souplantation" makes it sound like they've got slaves in the back making the soup, while some head chef holds a whip and yells at them.


They also had these hilariously tiny ice cream cones:

They were probably slightly wider than a quarter at the top. I think it's actually not a bad idea, since it's a form of portion control. The other food also came in very small servings, but since it's a buffet you can get as much as you want.

I guess this was the first decent day I've had in awhile. I also got a letter from Cornell today saying "blah blah, you're in Phi Theta Kappa, cool beans man, mail us back so we can know more about you."

I probably have a 1% chance of actually getting in there, but hey, I might as well try.


This is really creepy.

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Thursday, September 22, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Screw tomorrow
Monday, September 19, 2011
But at least I can't be disappointed if I don't have plans.

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Getting paid to feel awkward
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Yesterday I went to Stanford to get an MRI for the study I signed up for. After filling out some paperwork, they showed me to the little patient/volunteer locker room and told me I could use one of the lockers in there. They had me change into scrubs and hospital socks and wait around while they got the machine ready.

Well, after standing awkwardly around for a few minutes, they were like "oh uh... the machine is broken... so... we can't do the MRI... but we'd still like a saliva sample, so if you could spit into this tube that would be cool."

I took the saliva-collecting kit and blinked self consciously. The girl who'd taken me to the room sensed my discomfort and told me I could go to the bathroom to do it if I wanted. I was pretty glad for that option, lemme tell ya.

Anyway, after several minutes of staring at my face in the mirror as I made strange expressions to try to get enough saliva to fill the tube to the line, I walked back out and handed her the tube, and she gave me the key to my locker, so I got dressed. Walked back out, and they said that even though the MRI wasn't going to happen, I could still do some sort of emotion identifying exercise.

Yeah, that didn't work either. They had some trouble with the laptop, then desktop, that they tried to use, so they just told me I could go and that they'd still pay me. X|

Seems like it would've been kind of cool to actually do something besides feel awkward in scrubs and spit into a tube, but oh well.

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