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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Mild attention
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I would still appreciate help from anybody who's willing to look over some of my poetry/writings and tell me which piece(s) they like or give me some constructive criticism. Leave a comment and I'll send you a note with the URL.

Yesterday I was wearing a dress, and we went to this produce market that usually has good deals on stuff. All of the Mexican male employees talked to me... Not in like, a conversation way, but just comments as they walked by. For instance, one guy was mopping or sweeping or something and said "excuse me... thank you" then turned around, grinned at me, and said "SANK YOU!"

So that was weird.

Another one passed by me and waved and said hello. When we left, one looked up (he was bending over and arranging something) and said goodbye.

Nothing really crazy, like they were all hitting on me or anything. I just thought it was interesting since they didn't talk to anybody else near me. Then again, I was just wandering around carrying a bag of zucchini while my mom picked out stuff, so maybe they thought I needed help.


On Thursday I was wearing my yeti hat, and I told ES Guy it was supposed to look like it was eating my head. There was some stuff that was said then that might have involved monsters or cannibalism, and he said "as long as I don't get bitten" or... something like that. I replied "don't worry, biting is reserved for people I know better," with a slight smile on my face.

Oops. I've got a case of the accidental flirting pretty bad. Alice thinks I was being suggestive and implying that I wanted to get to know him better so that I could bite him. I really hope he didn't interpret it that way.

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Oh brain, you silly ol' thing
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I had a dream that I was looking at the things people had written in chalk on the underside of some green metal shelves. There was a check taped to one part with the name "Dennis Sawdix" on it. At first I thought it was an odd name, and then I realized what it said and started laughing.

Dreamt a LOT last night. Mostly I just remember incomplete fragments though, so I won't go into detail.


I'm still asking for people to look over my poetry! The submission deadline for the literary magazine is May 20th, so it's sort of urgent. Just let me know if you wouldn't mind looking over some things, maybe giving me a few comments, and I'll send you a note with the URL of the page.

If nothing else, I'll probably submit Scene Outside a Beaten Up Red Truck. People seem to like that one. I've just been holding back on doing that because a girl in the literary magazine course was also in my poetry class, and I know she'd recognize the piece if I submitted it. If I submitted other works alongside it, it would identify them all as mine to her, and I would really prefer for nobody to know who the writer is when they're judging my pieces.

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A little help?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I want to submit something to the school literary magazine, but I'm not sure which pieces would be of any interest. Also, I'd like to get some outside opinions before I make any decisions...

(I work on the literary magazine, but we judge submissions anonymously, so the other students could be totally ruthless when viewing my stuff...)

If you're interested in giving me opinions, let me know in the comments or on AIM or something.


For clarification purposes, I'm asking you to look over some of my poems. I didn't realize how completely vague I was before. X| You can just tell me if you like anything in particular or stuff like that. Nothing complicated.

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This entry contains references to poetry
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I like the poetry I write when I'm hanging onto sanity by a thread. It feels more real, faster, more rhythmic.

Maybe I'm one of those people who can write well as long as they suffer intensely. My whole life could be a descent into utter despair, but my works would be cherished forever.

Probably not. I don't think I actually have that kind of talent.

But it does bring up the question of whether it's better to be an unhappy somebody or a happy nobody. I guess most people would choose to be happy. We're all supposed to want to be happy, after all.

That's just normal.

But I don't like normalcy. Don't get me wrong, I guess I like being happy, too. I'm past being confused and scared by happiness. I think I know how it feels, now. It can't surprise me anymore.

I don't write happy poetry. It feels weird to say that, because I don't think I've acknowledged it before. I can write SILLY poetry, and nonsensical things, but I wouldn't consider those happy, per se.

No, I write poems about being sad, and guilt, and feeling so completely alienated by everything that you're not sure anymore if your reflection is really just an image, or if it's another person that mimics everything you do, and one day when you've let your guard down, they will come out and they will replace you, and no one will ever know the difference because of how well they copy you.

I don't even know if you'll know, because I don't know what your reflection does with you.

I'm actually feeling okay. Maybe a little off, here and there, but I'm not at any extremes. I've been writing some things. Not the stuff in the last entry, though. Those were just bits of things that I decided to pull out of my sketchbook and post. Those are from when I had so many thoughts in my head I felt like I was being pulled apart into different people and I had to write everything down so I wouldn't break down.

Guess you guys were not sure how to respond to my old... excerpts. Well, that's alright. In case you were wondering though, I haven't finally descended into madness for good. It was just some old stuff I thought I'd share.

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Krackzict [DP]
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Some clarifications
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
So I realized I gave everybody the wrong impression with my last entry. Going to clear some things up in this one, for clarity's sake.

ES Guy: The one who asked what I like in a guy. He is apparently Mexican, though he doesn't really look it (the dude is like, six feet tall). Twenty two this month. Went to Cal Poly for 3 1/2 years before leaving to come... to a community college to figure stuff out.

Some quick notes:
-He's the one I think I might be leading on
-I've been hanging out with him for the few hours I have between my classes in the morning
-I'm prettttttttttttty sure he's interested in me...
-->Mentioned that something I did was cute
-->Did that stereotypical guy-teaching-the-girl-how-to-play-sports thing... with a frisbee. Hahahahahah, oh man. That was definitely a first for me. On the bright side, I suck slightly less at throwing a frisbee now. Maybe?
-->Comes to school like... seven hours earlier than his class starts
----->With a bit of questioning on my end, has revealed that he likes having "someone" to talk to
-We talked today about what our first kisses were like and I found out he likes that open mouth tongue kissing thing. Ewwwwwwww
-He mentioned that he prefers for his relationships to start out as friendships and then... transition to relationships... without any official declarations
-->You can imagine how that makes me feel...
-->At the same time... this could be an easy way out? It doesn't have to go in a romantic direction

Astro Guy: The Naruto-likin' asian dude who keeps calling me ninja/assassin/electro Christmas tree assassin. I don't really know anything about him except that he is a mixed asian... or something like that. He acts cutesy and it's kinda weird for me.

-He is pretty much exactly the kind of guy I went to high school with
-->Asked me what my ethnicity was like, the second time we talked
-->Later told me I was "not like other asians" (wtf?)
-Does not buy any of his music
-Spends class time playing games on his phone
-Sits next to me without invitation; I guess he figured that the permission I gave once applies to all future instances

Now you are up to date on my not-really-a-lovelife. Congratulations!

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Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Replied with a single question mark. He may interpret that as he wishes.

Today I was asked:

"What do you like in a guy?"

I keep wanting to respond to these queries with something to the effect of "lolololololololol" (said with arms up in the air and the face below).

But instead I said that I didn't really have any specific criteria.

I feel really bad about this in a way. I mean, I think I might be leading him on. I don't want to do that... But I wonder if I enjoy doing this and am secretly a horrible sadistic person. Anything is possible, after all.

EVERYTHING IS FUNNY TODAY. It's 'cause I'm tired. Everything is so damn hilarious when I'm tired. My keyboard is funny. Hell if I know why. Just looking at the little white letters on the black keys makes me laugh to myself.

That asian guy from my Astronomy class has continued to prod me with conversation. He is not really winning my heart, I must say. Everytime he sits down near me he says "hi assassin," since he has decided that is my nickname. Today he asked me if I watched Naruto by any chance. I swear, he has a fixation with my headbands. DUDE, I AM NOT A NINJA. >:0

Everything is just like, HAHAHAHAHHA

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How to respond...
Monday, May 2, 2011
I got a message from a guy I went to school with.

"are you the [my name] from elementary school?"

We were never really friends. Actually, I quite dislike(d) him.

How I want to reply:

"Are you the dick who made fun of me in elementary school, middle school, and high school?"

Holding a grudge? Me? Oh, goodness no... It's not like I distinctly remember every time he poked fun at me or anything...

Some may say "oh, he probably just like(d) you..." Well y'know what? Screw that. Even if he did/does, and now he wants to confess his undying love over the internet, he can go die in a hole. He teased me every time I let my guard down. He was consistently a dick to me every time we came into contact.

Dude needs to get the hell out of my life.

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