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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I should just wear this one shirt for the rest of my life so people know what's up:


In fact, all my clothing should tell people about me, so that we won't have to bother with discussing it.

Or maybe I should just get "I don't know" tattooed all over my body. Same thing, right?

It might not work for people who can't/are too lazy to read, though. -Shrug-


Jasper linked me to THIS ARTICLE, and I thought it was interesting/kind of relevant to my life.

It's hard to tell though, if people are manipulating you or if they're right. How do you know when something is true?

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Last night I needed to take a walk. I asked my mom if I could leave the house, and though she was concerned and very cautious, she didn't say no.

Didn't really know where I was headed. It wasn't a walk like the ones I used to take. I wandered around for a bit over an hour and came home mentally exhausted but physically more awake.

I kind of want to go somewhere and just get lost. No backups, no GPS, no maps. Just want to go so far I don't know where I am or how to get back to where I was.

These wants, lately. Winter's a-comin', alright.


There's that... frustration, exasperation, fatigue, that comes with dealing with a person you know just wants to help, but their comprehension of the problem seems so elementary that much of what they say and do just makes things worse if it does anything at all. And you want to get away from this person, but you can't, nor can you be truly honest about how the more they try to help, the more they just end up hurting. A person you can't let go of, but whom you want to push away when these things happen.

We briefly discussed binary systems in which one of the stars is dying today in Astronomy. (For the unaware: binary systems are systems in which two stars revolve around a common center of mass; most stars have a partner in this manner, our sun is unusual)

When one of the stars in the system is nearing death, and it becomes a white dwarf, its gravity is so intense that it sucks matter (more specifically, hydrogen) from the surface of its partner. The white dwarf has, by this point, already burnt out its own supply of fusible hydrogen in its core and lost the rest earlier in the stellar death process (all that's left is degenerate matter, which is extremely dense and pretty much unresponsive to heat). So what happens is that the stolen hydrogen slowly builds up on the dying star until it fuses explosively in a nova. In more extreme cases, it may cause a supernova, which will destroy the white dwarf by causing it to collapse in on itself.

I sat there in class, sometime around eight in the morning, feeling like my life had just been described.

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Not much else to say
Saturday, November 12, 2011
But thank you for your thoughtful comments on my last entry, guys. I do appreciate it.


I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain, but I imagine it's somewhat like this, except with less leather?

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Lumping these together [2P]
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Money and frustration
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I feel so helpless sometimes. Financially, I'm okay myself. I live with my parents... but there's enough money to pay the bills, send me to school, all that... I'm always a little on edge about money because I don't know what we'll do if my dad loses his job...

But you know, I'm always hearing about how other people have it worse. Or seeing, in some cases. Like the man with the battered guitar who told me he was playing Swan Lake. I always want to help these people.

Different people wish they were rich for different reasons. Sure, I think it would be cool to buy stuff, I guess, but most of the time I just wish I had a lot of money so I could help people I care about.

I feel like I have nothing tangible I can offer...

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City trip
Sunday, November 6, 2011
My boyfriend and I went to San Francisco yesterday. When I told my mom about our trip plan, she busted out a map and started telling me about all these places we could go, but I didn't really want to have an itinerary. Honestly I just like walking around with no destination in mind. That way, when you find something good, it's a pleasant surprise instead of an expectation.

We took Caltrain up to avoid the hassle of driving/parking in San Francisco. The train ride took a bit longer, but transit time doesn't matter unless you have specific plans. :P He wanted to cuddle with me during the ride though, which was just a teensy bit uncomfortable because of the position I had to sit in to do it.

Once we reached our destination, we essentially just wandered around for hours. I'm sure that sounds terrible to some people, but I really do like just looking around and wandering aimlessly. Lemme try and think of some highlights, though...

-We saw a fat lady singing opera. (She was really good)
-Passed a strip club, and a couple girls were walking by it at the same time, and one said "ooh, what's this? Oh. A strip club."
-Visited a shop called Indie Industries that was full of terrible hipster clothing.
-Saw many many many many pigeons. So many pigeons.
-Went into a candy shop and tried a piece of saltwater taffy (flavor: hot chocolate with mint and cayenne). It tasted good, although I couldn't detect the mint or cayenne flavors... And then he grabbed me and started dancing to the music in the store. XD I'm awful at dancing, and lock up when I feel awkward, so uh, that didn't work too well.

It did rain on us, in the evening. I had an umbrella, but it wasn't enough to adequately cover two people, so we both got kind of wet. I think we had to walk about two miles in the rain? Not very far for me, but he's not used to walking very long distances I think, so it was worse for him.

After we got back to my house, we had tea and hot chocolate and watched a couple movies. He fell asleep, and I didn't want to disturb him to tell him to go home.

He's slept at my house like... three or four times in the past few weeks, and my parents don't seem entirely comfortable with it. My mom just keeps saying to "not make it a habit," for the most part. I think it's weirder because I haven't even been dating him for a month yet. Today makes three weeks, actually, if I remember correctly. I know he feels like it's been much longer, but... yeah...

This is the first not-long-distance relationship I've had, so it's kind of funny that he's sort of staying over more than my LDR boyfriends did. -Shrug- Guess that's the way things work out?

In any case I prefer sleeping by myself. Can't stay asleep when there's someone else in the room...

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Finally remembering one
Friday, November 4, 2011
I think I probably missed twenty hours of sleep this week. I haven't been sleeping much for the past couple weeks in general, though.

On Fridays I only have one class, and it ends at 8:20 AM. My dad dropped me off at school this morning, and after class, I walked the ~3 miles home. Might've taken 40 minutes or so.

Once home, I basically just went to my room and slept for five hours (not straight-- I woke up a couple times and just went back to sleep).

I haven't been sleeping enough to remember my dreams in awhile. I can only recall the very edges of things, and it bothers me.

But, during my nap of sorts today, I did remember what I dreamt.

And it was scary.


I was hanging out with some dark/long haired guy, I don't know who it was. He started treating me like his girlfriend, holding me, kissing me on the cheek, getting really close to me... and after a bit of this I was like, "um, I have a boyfriend."

He froze. Then moved away. I stood there, blinking, and he was silent, and his expression didn't change, but his eyes seemed very very angry. I knew he thought I had been leading him on.

I was holding something, I don't know what. It might have been a binder. I had it in my hands, in front of my stomach. He stabbed it, twice, obviously wanting to hurt me, but only damaging the binder. Then he left. I put the binder in the trash, frightened, and then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

In the bathroom, with the toothbrush in my mouth, I briefly closed my eyes. When I opened them, I saw him standing behind me in the mirror. Terrified, I turned to my left, and he wasn't behind me, but he was staring at me through the window. I hurriedly finished and went somewhere else.

Back in my room, it was dim. I turned away from the window for a moment, and when I looked back around, he was outside it and staring at me again. I ran out of the room, shutting the door behind me.

He followed me everywhere I went, just watching, and every time I looked at a window, he would be there, staring. He always knew where I was, where I was going, where I would be. I couldn't get away.

Finally, I was in the car with Jasper, trying to escape my stalker. We went down a street, but it was a dead end, and we had to turn around. I was frantic, wanting Jasper to drive faster, but he wouldn't. We went down another street, a bright mainstreet type next to a pier, but there was a woman walking in front of the car, and we couldn't go very fast. It didn't matter anyway, because the road also had a dead end.

By this point, I couldn't take it anymore, and I ran out of the car and into a nearby shop that sold fabrics, clothes, and crafting supplies. I knew he was coming after me with a knife, but I reasoned that he wouldn't be able to find me if I just hid well enough.

I dashed into a room with a grey floor and fluorescent lighting and hid behind some large concrete spools. There was a large thin board above me and some black power cords were lying on the floor. I sat there, knees pulled to my chest, hoping with all my might that he wouldn't find me. The fear I felt made it hard to breathe, and I was on the brink of tears.

Unfortunately, he seemed to know exactly where I was. He walked over at a casual pace, loosely holding a chef's knife in his right hand. I hoped, really hoped, that he wouldn't see me because I was below eye level, but he bent down and looked me straight in the eye. I was shaking with terror, but he just calmly straightened up, then walked over to where I was.

He stood there for a few seconds, and then plunged the knife into the board above my head. I think he meant to drive it into my head, but the board stopped it. While he was distracted, I skirted out of the failed hiding spot and quickly pinned him to the ground on his stomach.

I have no idea how, but I got his legs and arms and restrained them behind his back, then grabbed one of the power cords and tied his limbs together. I don't think it was going to hold him long, and I was still scared almost out of my wits, but I woke up just then and didn't have to find out if he got me in the end.


I wonder if that's how it feels to have a stalker in real life...

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Different things
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Today was okay, and then it was not okay.

It's hard to tell if I'm just getting depressed or if this is more serious than that.


I regret.


It's like waking up from a dream, over and over again, except you never really stop dreaming. The dream goes on and on, and you keep waking up from it, but it's the same dream, and it never ends. And things are happening around you, and they're strange things, you don't understand why they're happening, and you laugh, because they're odd, really they're very odd, and you don't know why they're happening. And you keep waking up.

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