I don't think I should talk about things I think I want to do anymore.

Someone or something always comes along and tells me it's not a good idea. And usually I have so little enthusiasm in the first place that that small bit of discouragement completely kills my desire. (I don't even know if "desire" is the right term. "Hope" might be more accurate. As in I hope I can sustain the want...)

...Back to square one... maybe... I don't know.

I don't want to do anything for the rest of my life. I don't even want to live for the rest of my life. How can I want anything more when I don't even want the most basic thing in existence?

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Anyway.

Those of you who have Google+: If a chicken adds you, do not be alarmed! I just thought to myself that I should add some more people on there and since I have practically no local friends that are on it, I figured, hey, Nutangers are the next best thing. (I'm not interested in following random strangers...)

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Fiction class has got me writing various little stories and things, so I thought I'd offer them up to the good people of Nutang in case anybody feels bored enough to read them. I'll list the titles and a brief overview of the assignment, and if anything looks interesting to you, I'll put it up in Google Docs and link it here.

Living in an Oubliette is Awesome! And Great!
--A ripoff of a short story we read where we're supposed to end the majority of the sentences with an exclamation mark.

7 or 8 Things I Know About Her
--Another ripoff, this time of Michael Ondaatje.

Darkness
--Sort of a ripoff; we were supposed to have a character converse with an inanimate object or animal that represents the character's conscience/inner thoughts.

Science
--An attempt to lay out a scene in great detail, then hone in on a particular character; the second part was to be mostly dialogue.

The Ocean
--Basic structure exercise with rising action, climax, fall, etc. We were supposed to name our characters using names the teacher took from her spam folder. (That was helpful for me, since if I'm left to my own devices, I feel like naming characters becomes too personal and would rather leave them nameless)

The quarter ends in a few weeks, so I might have another couple pieces by then, but I thought I'd offer up what I have now just in case anybody is interested. I promise nothing in the way of quality, of course, but I assume that by now you're all familiar with my writing style, so you can judge for yourself if you'd like to see any of it.

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They tore down the playground I went to most as a child. The play structures, the swing set...

I doubt they'll build a new swing set the same height, if they include one at all. Probably too "dangerous" for these modern times.

Just remembering swinging there, going higher and higher, the rush of going back and forth. Finally reaching the point where I was level with the top bar, feeling the chains I was holding onto go slack.

When you hit that top point, you're not moving up or down, and you just sort of sit in the air for a second. It's not like the rest of the experience, where you're pressed against the seat of the swing, and the chains are pulled tight.

There's just something about the in-between that I always liked, what I always reached for when I was on the swings. But it's not the same on the short little swings they have at most parks now. You don't get high up enough, you're too close to the ground and the people.

Growing up is absolutely terrible so far.

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It's interesting what a difference scent can make in terms of attraction.

-Embarrassment-

I know this is the YOU MAKE BUNNY CRY picture, but it's still what I'm visualizing.

(And more or less how I feel when I'm embarrassed)

And this isn't related in any way, but THIS IS AMAZING:

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I should just wear this one shirt for the rest of my life so people know what's up:

CLICKIES

In fact, all my clothing should tell people about me, so that we won't have to bother with discussing it.

Or maybe I should just get "I don't know" tattooed all over my body. Same thing, right?

It might not work for people who can't/are too lazy to read, though. -Shrug-

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Jasper linked me to THIS ARTICLE, and I thought it was interesting/kind of relevant to my life.

It's hard to tell though, if people are manipulating you or if they're right. How do you know when something is true?

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Last night I needed to take a walk. I asked my mom if I could leave the house, and though she was concerned and very cautious, she didn't say no.

Didn't really know where I was headed. It wasn't a walk like the ones I used to take. I wandered around for a bit over an hour and came home mentally exhausted but physically more awake.

I kind of want to go somewhere and just get lost. No backups, no GPS, no maps. Just want to go so far I don't know where I am or how to get back to where I was.

These wants, lately. Winter's a-comin', alright.

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There's that... frustration, exasperation, fatigue, that comes with dealing with a person you know just wants to help, but their comprehension of the problem seems so elementary that much of what they say and do just makes things worse if it does anything at all. And you want to get away from this person, but you can't, nor can you be truly honest about how the more they try to help, the more they just end up hurting. A person you can't let go of, but whom you want to push away when these things happen.

We briefly discussed binary systems in which one of the stars is dying today in Astronomy. (For the unaware: binary systems are systems in which two stars revolve around a common center of mass; most stars have a partner in this manner, our sun is unusual)

When one of the stars in the system is nearing death, and it becomes a white dwarf, its gravity is so intense that it sucks matter (more specifically, hydrogen) from the surface of its partner. The white dwarf has, by this point, already burnt out its own supply of fusible hydrogen in its core and lost the rest earlier in the stellar death process (all that's left is degenerate matter, which is extremely dense and pretty much unresponsive to heat). So what happens is that the stolen hydrogen slowly builds up on the dying star until it fuses explosively in a nova. In more extreme cases, it may cause a supernova, which will destroy the white dwarf by causing it to collapse in on itself.

I sat there in class, sometime around eight in the morning, feeling like my life had just been described.

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But thank you for your thoughtful comments on my last entry, guys. I do appreciate it.

---Edit---

I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain, but I imagine it's somewhat like this, except with less leather?

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