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day two
Friday. 6.11.10 8:52 pm
Today was, in fact, harder than yesterday. I responded to a few texts, but I didn't initiate anything.

The day isn't over yet, but it's pretty damn close. I'll probably be heading to bed in the next couple hours. Boredom will overtake me and I'll be able to sleep for at least a few hours.

I told one of my coworkers about my plan to not initiate any conversations, except I didn't word it like that. Before correcting myself, I just said that I wasn't going to text anyone. So he took my phone number from one of my other coworkers and told me that he was going to blow up my phone until I answered him. So far, I've only gotten one text so I really don't think I have anything to worry about. One text is easy enough to ignore. Especially if I'm trying to prove a point.

Anywho, I've got a couple movie to watch. Don't think I'll get to them tonight, but I've got two more days to occupy.

We shall see how they go.

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some thanks & a new task for myself
Thursday. 6.10.10 3:30 pm
First of all I wanted to thank Zanzibar, The-Muffin-Man, randomjunk and fakebil for your very helpful advice in my last entry. I don't know if this weekend I'll be buying those books from Barnes & Noble, but I have College Board on my bookmarks so that I can do at least the SAT question of the day. They also have a practice test and other questions that I can work on besides just the one on the day.

My task is temporary and has nothing to do with the SAT or colleges of any kind, but it's something that I want to test myself on. I'm trying to kick a bad habit as well as putting towards what I'm supposed to be avoiding.

Day One:

I decided while I was at work, that I wasn't going to text anyone for 4 days. Starting today, through Sunday. I'm not going to be initiating any kind of texting conversations. If someone texts me, I'll decide then whether I'm going to answer or not. My sister is the exception. We text each other things when we don't feel like actually getting up to vocally ask what we want to ask the other one.

But anyone else? No. Number 1: I want to see if I can do it. I don't think I've gone that many days without and I think it'd be a good challenge for me. Number 2: Simply not getting any text messages from Jacob is better in the long run, emotionally, than sending him a text to try and initiate conversation and be ignored. Number 3: I want this weekend to focus on other things besides how much I feel I need to be around my phone. Pretty much anything counts ... I know I'll be watching Hulu at least a few times this weekend.

So yeah. This is day one. I've not sent any text yet today to start up a conversation. I responded to one text from a friend, but that's it. The first day will be easy. Tomorrow will be almost as easy, but just a little harder in the evening. Saturday and Sunday when I don't have even just the 8 hours from work to distract me, is when I'll really be putting myself to the test. I tried to go a whole week, starting on a Monday and I think I got in as far as Tuesday ... I either wasn't trying very hard or I just gave up because of the flow of incoming texts. I can't remember why I did't succeed in going from Monday to Friday. Oh well. That was then; this is now.

Wish me luck ...

And I'm glad that I have Nutang. It's helping me keep myself occupied while trying not to go out of my mind. As crazy as the SB can get at times, this website really does help me keep my sanity ... on a less insane level ...

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Monday. 6.7.10 4:50 pm
I've been out of high school for 6 years and one of the obvious requirements to go back to school is to have an SAT and/or ACT score to submit ... something I never took when I was in high school.

My question is what would be the best way to study for the SAT/ACT?

I know that I can get study guides and whatnot from Barnes & Noble, which is what I plan on doing. I also know there are websites I can go to to practice there as well. I just want to do this the most efficient way possible so that my score is fairly high on the first shot.

This isn't something that I want to have to redo in order to be accepted to the college I want to go to.

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where's the off switch?
Sunday. 6.6.10 8:12 am
It's a hard decision to make, especially since I still want to be able to contact him whenever I want, but I'm getting sick of him only answering the texts he wants to. And only holding a conversation when he's in the mood to do so. I can tell when he no longer wants to text back and forth. The responses become single word rather than half/whole sentences. I need to just stop. Altogether, stop.

Another thing that's got me irked is the stupid dreams that seem to be plaguing my unconsciousness. The first night was because I was stressed out about the situation and they literally wouldn't allow me to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. The next night, they weren't as bad, but they still stuck out at something that I didn't want to be thinking about. And they've continued. I want them to stop. I don't want to dream anymore.

I want to wake up and know that my mind wasn't active enough during sleep to produce dreams. I don't care that it's caused by the necessary REM cycle. I just don't want them anymore.

I wish I could turn off my emotions; my feelings. Maybe then I wouldn't dream. If I have no emotions, how would my brain form something that's based off emotions. Some people say that your dreams are things your heart wishes for. Okay then, I'm wishing for sick, demented things to happen to people I don't know. Other people say that dreams are caused by something in your life that you're not taking care of. More believable, but still. How the fuck am I supposed to take care of it? It's not exactly a win-win situation I'm involved in right now. Losing someone who means a lot to me? I'm sorry, but if I'm the one who chose to cut this person out of my life, then obviously they didn't mean a whole hell of a lot to me in the first place, true?

I just want to stop dreaming. My dreams aren't allowing me to get efficient sleep. Oh wait, nevermind. I already don't get efficient sleep. So what the fuck is the difference in whether I dream or not. Oh yeah, I remember. Because when I wake up after not dreaming, I'm not thinking immediately about what the dream was about and why I felt the way that I did in the dream and how exactly my mind could have conjured something like that up in the first place. Coming out of a few dreamless hours of sleep is a little less work. A little less involved.

Ugh. I just want to shut all of this off. I want to take a mental break. Everything from thinking about what I have to do for the day to dreams to emotions. Everything. Basically, I want the impossible. Even if I were able to find an off switch, when I came around to having it turned back on, my brain would probably overload with information rushing back to me. All the memories of how to do everything and everything that's happened in the past ... doing something like that would probably have more consequences to pay afterwards than it would to benefit me. It would all just backfire horribly.

I hate how life treats you at times.

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the confusion continues
Friday. 6.4.10 12:32 pm
Well, he decided to contact me last night. And being the nice person that I am, I answered the texts. I have about 3 apologies on my phone ... all within about an hour. We talked back and forth in text for a couple hours before I had to go to work. He might or might not text me again today. I guess I'll find out. Until then ...

I'm not making any decisions. I want to still give it time for me to think everything through; weighing the pros and cons of different situations before making a final decision.

We'll see what happens.

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the day after is always the worst
Wednesday. 6.2.10 3:57 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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