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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Trivial details
Monday, August 22, 2011
I'm taking the permit test tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I doubt I'll get fourteen wrong on it like my brother did his first time, but I dunno.

Alice wanted to hang out today before noon, so we walked to the park and used the swings for a little while. I mentioned that I had been thinking about going to Baskin Robbins, so we walked there afterward and I got a single scoop of cookies and cream in a cup. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted at first because there were so many flavors. X|

I guess I had walked two or three miles by the time I got home, but I seemed unreasonably tired. Last night I meant to take a nap at around 6 PM, but I ended up just sleeping on and off until around 7:30 this morning. After I got home from the park/Baskin Robbins, I went back to sleep for like, three hours. :S

Feel like I'm sleeping instead of eating. I did try to eat some things, though. There was the ice cream and then I had ~365 calories worth of these little samosa things, and blueberries... Calorie counting makes it seem like I'm trying to avoid eating much, but mostly it's hard to want to eat when I have no appetite like this. Not anorexia or anything like that... I don't want control... Sometimes I think it might be nice if someone else decided things for me, but then I know that if that was my reality, I'd probably still be unhappy. I don't think there's any scenario where I'm happy. Can't think of one, at least.

Somewhat secretly I think that what happens is always what you didn't think of, what you didn't anticipate or expect. Not in a good or bad way, really. But then I think that if I just think of all the worst things that could happen, they won't happen, because I already canceled them out by imagining them. Is that a superstition? I'm not really sure. I don't know if I actually believe it. Kind of just one of those things. Like looking into the mirror and thinking there's another person in there, but knowing that there isn't really. But still thinking about it.

I don't know.

Here's a video I watched. It's pretty bad.

I kind of feel like Garfield in this comic. CLICK

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More on schools...
Friday, August 19, 2011
What's the emotion called for when you just want to throw your hands up and say "agh" in kind of a despairing voice, and you're contemplating stupid things because of how much you just don't want to deal with something anymore?

It can't just be frustration. There's kind of an unhappy overtone. (And no anger)

If there's a word for this then I can't remember it.

Anyway, school searching is going horribly, as usual. I know I said I was thinking of going for NYU, but then I remembered that my SAT scores are not worthy of high scholarships at such institutions and I really don't want to go into major debt for some college education that probably won't even help me get a job.

Goddammit young attractive millionaires, why can't you run into me and be like "oh my god I want to marry this person" and fund my education? :(

But yeah basically I'm stressing over this enough that I've been, for a long time now actually, contemplating in the back of my mind just going back to St. John's and seeing if I can get into the Honors program (as if I couldn't, pfff).

I still think it's a terrible school in some ways, and I don't want to take two more theology courses, but it's in a location I find agreeable and I have friends there. :/ I figure I wouldn't be as miserable as I was last time because I wouldn't have a long distance relationship to deal with, and I think I wouldn't gain as much weight because I wouldn't eat grilled cheese sandwiches and cookies every day. X|

Downsides to this already horrible hypothetical path:
-It's ST. JOHN'S :(
-Probably no privacy if I have a major depressive episode (which I undoubtedly would), meaning nowhere to go cry uncontrollably for no reason
-Have to be away from my budgies (but this goes for any school that isn't like, very close to me)
-Have to buy a laptop
-It's possible that my friends there would all be different and it would be awkward to hang out with them and I'd struggle to make new ones
-Three hours ahead of my California friends

-New York!
-Friends who are possibly just as awesome as I remember
-No more feeling like I'm not going to a real college
-St. John's might give me a better scholarship?
-I'm familiar with the school
-Probably won't have to buy a laptop, unless they don't give them to transfers...


I'm not even really considering this, I just don't want to have to think about this stupid college business anymore.

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Yeah, one of these days
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I should probably go get professionally diagnosed or something.

Although at the same time, they'd probably want to put me on meds, so maybe not.

All the descriptions say symptoms should be enough to "interfere with daily life" but I'm not even sure what that means anymore.

I don't remember what it's like to NOT deal with this, but I'm still going about my life, so...?

Pretty sure I at least have a mild chronic form, though I've certainly experienced some major episodes before.

Kind of sad that I only care that I have depression because it seems to be preventing me from choosing a major...

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More sites like this
Monday, August 15, 2011
There seem to be a lot of secret sharing sites around the internet... I can think of Postsecret and Experience Project just off the top of my head.

Anyway, found a new one tonight.

Truu Confessions

Kind of a stupid name, but that doesn't impact the content so much.

A few I liked:

A guy at the grocery store approached me and asked, "Does he know how lucky he is? Please, tell him a stranger thinks he's the luckiest man in the world." Nothing creepy about it, just a sincere compliment. There's no "he." None of the guys I've been with have ever realized how lucky they are. I wish they had all been there to hear that man's compliment. I'm lonely.

You're born alone, you die alone. I see a recurring theme.

I desperately want to find my soulmate/love of my life, but sometimes I think it will be easer just to stay single.

truu54399 (Hahaha, what the heck??)
I'm sooooo tired shaving the hair in my a**!! Does the hair there really have a purpose? It's closed all the time, how does it even grow?! What is it a chia pet, put water on it and watch it grow!!!!!

I found a guy online who is willing to pay me $100 to smell my shoes after a run. I'm unemployed and SO taking him up on the offer.

I think it's time to grow fins and go join the rest of my kind in the ocean. The Whales are here at this time of year.

Sometimes when I read the sad secrets of strangers I just wish I could bundle up all the unhappiness in them and... I don't know... make them into Jell-o and then squish up all the Jell-o and wash it down the drain.

It's weird how people you don't know can be more sympathetic than your friends sometimes. I guess it's because they don't have to deal with you that much.

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War sparrow
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Last night I woke up and told myself to remember the phrase "war sparrow."

When I got up today I could recall it, but not the reasons why.

It took a little while to come back to me.

There was a baby sparrow in a cage. It was sick, and we were trying to figure out how to help it. Then, someone took a long needle and stabbed it into the little bird's body. It revived instantly, and after another jab with the needle lower on its body, it flew out of the cage. We watched it land next to its younger sibling, open its beat, and swallow the other baby whole.

This, I knew, was a ritual of sorts. The particular type of sparrow we had helped was born to kill and endure ruthless conditions. It didn't have a name in the dream, but when I woke up, "war sparrow" was the only thing that seemed to make sense.

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More woes on the road to getting a license
Friday, August 12, 2011

That song has nothing at all to do with licenses. I just like it.

I've been avoiding reading the driver's handbook for a few weeks, but I walked over to my mom today and she asked, "so, do you want to schedule an appointment with the DMV?"

Oops. I was honest though and said I hadn't finished reading the handbook (still have ~60 pages to go D:), so she said alright and went back to her business.

Meh. Well, regardless, I don't think I'll be like my brother and get fourteen wrong when I take the permit test, even if he thinks I'll fail. (Not sure what his logic is there-- genetic idiocy?)


Researching/applying to colleges seems like an endless task. I wish I had someone to do this with. :/ I used to hear so much about how people found their "perfect schools" or they researched universities and just saw one that "looked right" to them. I don't think that's ever going to happen for me.

Every time I stay up late researching colleges, I get a little more discouraged. My interests are a little too random for any one school to satisfy them, I guess, and I don't have a single interest strong enough to overcome the rest.

At least this stuff serves as a distraction...

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Learning how to be a grown up
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Well, I sort of drove for the first time on Tuesday. I say "sort of" because I pretty much just jerked the car forward and then freaked out and stomped on the brake.

Not gonna lie, it was a... harrowing experience.

The car is stick shift, so my mom was trying to tell me what to do with the clutch and the gears. I got that part, but then it got a little confusing with the "stepping on the clutch and the brake while starting but then stepping on the gas lightly, and then easing off the clutch and just stepping on the gas" part. See, prior to that she told me I had to keep my foot on the clutch while in first gear, but then when she showed me, she took her foot off the clutch...

Anyway, when I got behind the wheel, I spent awhile nervously asking questions about what to do, which I'll openly admit was just to stall. When I finally started the car and stepped on the gas, the car jerked forward at what felt like the speed of light and I freaked out.

I did manage to actually drive for about ten seconds, and went around in a sorta circle, but it wasn't like those moments in movies where the character is intimidated and scared at first and then realizes they can do it. It was more like I was panicking because it seemed like the steering wheel was turned really far, and I wasn't sure if that was right, and I was afraid I was going to crash into something.

Despite all this, I mostly managed to keep my cool, though with less self control I probably would have been screaming the entire time.

-Car jerks forward-
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAH -Slams brakes-
Mom: Okay you just stopped the car, so you have to start it again now.
Me: -Turns key- -Car makes noise- AAAAAAAAAAAH

Well actually, that sort of did happen, except I didn't scream loudly.

Ugh. I don't want to learn how to drive...

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IM pros and cons...
Monday, August 8, 2011
I use AIM a lot, as you may or may not know/care.

Some pros:
-Less harrowing than making a phone call

Some cons:
-Emotions and body language don't go through
-Easily misinterpreted

I kind of hate it when I'm feeling serious or just not in the mood for frivolous silly talk, and the person I'm talking to doesn't at all pick up on that. I guess it can't be helped, it being the extremely limited IM form of communication and all, but it does bug me when this happens:

Me: [something serious, possibly saying I'm feeling depressed]
Other person: HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY [other silly things]

I can be silly and random and all that, but I do get tired of it, and then it just seems stupid and irritating.

Of course, I also have to wonder if the other person CAN sense that I'm feeling down or otherwise not in a good mood, and so their attempt to change the subject by being silly is supposed to cheer me up. WHY people think that's a good idea is beyond me, but I guess I can understand if they feel awkward/uncomfortable and don't want to discuss the more serious stuff.

Really though... if the conversation went like this, replacing depression with a pet's death...

Person A: So, my favorite pet died yesterday and I'm having a hard time dealing with it...
Person B: AWW, YOU SHOULD CHEER UP AND BE HAPPY! HERE, LOOK AT THIS FUNNY PICTURE I FOUND ON THE INTERNET. [Basically ignores connotations of other person's statement]

...Doesn't something seem a little off about that? Just saying.

Again, not trying to rag on people for trying to lighten up the mood. There's a time and a place for that though, and sometimes I just want to have a serious discussion (this counts for all serious topics, not just me being depressed). Turn off the silly for a few minutes, y'know.

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