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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Finally remembering one
Friday, November 4, 2011
I think I probably missed twenty hours of sleep this week. I haven't been sleeping much for the past couple weeks in general, though.

On Fridays I only have one class, and it ends at 8:20 AM. My dad dropped me off at school this morning, and after class, I walked the ~3 miles home. Might've taken 40 minutes or so.

Once home, I basically just went to my room and slept for five hours (not straight-- I woke up a couple times and just went back to sleep).

I haven't been sleeping enough to remember my dreams in awhile. I can only recall the very edges of things, and it bothers me.

But, during my nap of sorts today, I did remember what I dreamt.

And it was scary.


I was hanging out with some dark/long haired guy, I don't know who it was. He started treating me like his girlfriend, holding me, kissing me on the cheek, getting really close to me... and after a bit of this I was like, "um, I have a boyfriend."

He froze. Then moved away. I stood there, blinking, and he was silent, and his expression didn't change, but his eyes seemed very very angry. I knew he thought I had been leading him on.

I was holding something, I don't know what. It might have been a binder. I had it in my hands, in front of my stomach. He stabbed it, twice, obviously wanting to hurt me, but only damaging the binder. Then he left. I put the binder in the trash, frightened, and then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

In the bathroom, with the toothbrush in my mouth, I briefly closed my eyes. When I opened them, I saw him standing behind me in the mirror. Terrified, I turned to my left, and he wasn't behind me, but he was staring at me through the window. I hurriedly finished and went somewhere else.

Back in my room, it was dim. I turned away from the window for a moment, and when I looked back around, he was outside it and staring at me again. I ran out of the room, shutting the door behind me.

He followed me everywhere I went, just watching, and every time I looked at a window, he would be there, staring. He always knew where I was, where I was going, where I would be. I couldn't get away.

Finally, I was in the car with Jasper, trying to escape my stalker. We went down a street, but it was a dead end, and we had to turn around. I was frantic, wanting Jasper to drive faster, but he wouldn't. We went down another street, a bright mainstreet type next to a pier, but there was a woman walking in front of the car, and we couldn't go very fast. It didn't matter anyway, because the road also had a dead end.

By this point, I couldn't take it anymore, and I ran out of the car and into a nearby shop that sold fabrics, clothes, and crafting supplies. I knew he was coming after me with a knife, but I reasoned that he wouldn't be able to find me if I just hid well enough.

I dashed into a room with a grey floor and fluorescent lighting and hid behind some large concrete spools. There was a large thin board above me and some black power cords were lying on the floor. I sat there, knees pulled to my chest, hoping with all my might that he wouldn't find me. The fear I felt made it hard to breathe, and I was on the brink of tears.

Unfortunately, he seemed to know exactly where I was. He walked over at a casual pace, loosely holding a chef's knife in his right hand. I hoped, really hoped, that he wouldn't see me because I was below eye level, but he bent down and looked me straight in the eye. I was shaking with terror, but he just calmly straightened up, then walked over to where I was.

He stood there for a few seconds, and then plunged the knife into the board above my head. I think he meant to drive it into my head, but the board stopped it. While he was distracted, I skirted out of the failed hiding spot and quickly pinned him to the ground on his stomach.

I have no idea how, but I got his legs and arms and restrained them behind his back, then grabbed one of the power cords and tied his limbs together. I don't think it was going to hold him long, and I was still scared almost out of my wits, but I woke up just then and didn't have to find out if he got me in the end.


I wonder if that's how it feels to have a stalker in real life...

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Different things
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Today was okay, and then it was not okay.

It's hard to tell if I'm just getting depressed or if this is more serious than that.


I regret.


It's like waking up from a dream, over and over again, except you never really stop dreaming. The dream goes on and on, and you keep waking up from it, but it's the same dream, and it never ends. And things are happening around you, and they're strange things, you don't understand why they're happening, and you laugh, because they're odd, really they're very odd, and you don't know why they're happening. And you keep waking up.

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Romantic, sir
Saturday, October 29, 2011
"I feel like a galloping cow around you."
-- My boyfriend

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Some sorta mood...
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I got... probably three hours of sleep last night. That's a generous estimate.

Had to down an energy shot so I wouldn't pass out at school today. I couldn't drink the whole thing at once, so I had to take two gulps, and good lord, it was awful. I walked into my class unable to stop grimacing and had to chug some water to wash the taste away.

I'm in kind of a weird mood now. The shot I took was supposedly going to last for eight hours, but I took it about twelve hours ago and I don't feel sleepy yet. -Shrug-

New boyfriend wasn't at school today (or yesterday for that matter), so I was a bit productive and did the homework I've been putting off. I thought it was going to be super fast, but I actually only got two days' worth of notes down before I had to go to class. X| (I have two or three more days of notes to go) -Sigh-

Oh, I'm getting distracted. Back to the weird mood.

I'm in a creepily-hit-on-girls mood. I don't know why. I just want to go up to some attractive female and drag out a few cheesy pickup lines and sleazy winks/nods. Give her a "how YOU doin'? look. I honestly don't know why. It just seems like the right thing to do right now.

In any case, I'd rather feel like hitting on girls in a creepy fashion than be wincing at memories. It's at least amusing instead of painful.

...I wish I had Halloween plans.

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Number withheld
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Apparently I accidentally dialed 911. I don't even know how that happened, but I hung up, and they called back and left a voicemail, saying that I had called them and to call back if it was an emergency, but not bother if it was an accident.

No idea how all that happened...

I went to bed sometime after 10 PM last night, so kind of late considering I get up at 5:30 AM, but still not that bad. Alice texted me around midnight though, and kept texting for half an hour, maybe an hour, so I didn't get much sleep. Consequently, I was falling asleep in my classes today.

Now that I'm home, I still want to sleep. Gotta write a four page piece for Fiction, though. X| -Sigh- I guess I could take a nap, but I wonder if it would mess up my sleep schedule...

I'm having doubts about a lot of things, but I guess I'm always having doubts about everything, so maybe it doesn't matter.

...Y'know what, screw it. I'm going to go take a nap so I don't just pass out from exhaustion at my desk.


I think the tiredness was making me feel awful. Things are better now that I've slept.

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Secrets... [DP]
Monday, October 24, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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My relationship, in a nutshell
Saturday, October 22, 2011

Obviously we are not the couple pictured, though.

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Goodness me
Friday, October 21, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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