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welcome to my mind ...

The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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Monday. 6.7.10 4:50 pm
I've been out of high school for 6 years and one of the obvious requirements to go back to school is to have an SAT and/or ACT score to submit ... something I never took when I was in high school.

My question is what would be the best way to study for the SAT/ACT?

I know that I can get study guides and whatnot from Barnes & Noble, which is what I plan on doing. I also know there are websites I can go to to practice there as well. I just want to do this the most efficient way possible so that my score is fairly high on the first shot.

This isn't something that I want to have to redo in order to be accepted to the college I want to go to.

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where's the off switch?
Sunday. 6.6.10 8:12 am
It's a hard decision to make, especially since I still want to be able to contact him whenever I want, but I'm getting sick of him only answering the texts he wants to. And only holding a conversation when he's in the mood to do so. I can tell when he no longer wants to text back and forth. The responses become single word rather than half/whole sentences. I need to just stop. Altogether, stop.

Another thing that's got me irked is the stupid dreams that seem to be plaguing my unconsciousness. The first night was because I was stressed out about the situation and they literally wouldn't allow me to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. The next night, they weren't as bad, but they still stuck out at something that I didn't want to be thinking about. And they've continued. I want them to stop. I don't want to dream anymore.

I want to wake up and know that my mind wasn't active enough during sleep to produce dreams. I don't care that it's caused by the necessary REM cycle. I just don't want them anymore.

I wish I could turn off my emotions; my feelings. Maybe then I wouldn't dream. If I have no emotions, how would my brain form something that's based off emotions. Some people say that your dreams are things your heart wishes for. Okay then, I'm wishing for sick, demented things to happen to people I don't know. Other people say that dreams are caused by something in your life that you're not taking care of. More believable, but still. How the fuck am I supposed to take care of it? It's not exactly a win-win situation I'm involved in right now. Losing someone who means a lot to me? I'm sorry, but if I'm the one who chose to cut this person out of my life, then obviously they didn't mean a whole hell of a lot to me in the first place, true?

I just want to stop dreaming. My dreams aren't allowing me to get efficient sleep. Oh wait, nevermind. I already don't get efficient sleep. So what the fuck is the difference in whether I dream or not. Oh yeah, I remember. Because when I wake up after not dreaming, I'm not thinking immediately about what the dream was about and why I felt the way that I did in the dream and how exactly my mind could have conjured something like that up in the first place. Coming out of a few dreamless hours of sleep is a little less work. A little less involved.

Ugh. I just want to shut all of this off. I want to take a mental break. Everything from thinking about what I have to do for the day to dreams to emotions. Everything. Basically, I want the impossible. Even if I were able to find an off switch, when I came around to having it turned back on, my brain would probably overload with information rushing back to me. All the memories of how to do everything and everything that's happened in the past ... doing something like that would probably have more consequences to pay afterwards than it would to benefit me. It would all just backfire horribly.

I hate how life treats you at times.

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the confusion continues
Friday. 6.4.10 12:32 pm
Well, he decided to contact me last night. And being the nice person that I am, I answered the texts. I have about 3 apologies on my phone ... all within about an hour. We talked back and forth in text for a couple hours before I had to go to work. He might or might not text me again today. I guess I'll find out. Until then ...

I'm not making any decisions. I want to still give it time for me to think everything through; weighing the pros and cons of different situations before making a final decision.

We'll see what happens.

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the day after is always the worst
Wednesday. 6.2.10 3:57 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Tuesday. 6.1.10 6:54 pm
It's done. It's over.

There is nothing more.

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first trip to Disneyland, CA {edit}
Sunday. 5.30.10 5:00 pm
I took this past Friday off from work to spend it in California. Jacob invited me to go with him and his friend and I gladly accepted.

It was fun, for the most part. I'll explain later on why it wasn't as fun as I was hoping for, but I'll get the good parts out first.

We drove out there Thursday afternoon, shortly after I got home from work and it was a long-ish drive. We stopped once to get something to eat and to use the restrooms, but that was the only stop. We arrived in Cali around 6:30pm and basically drove around for a bit. We tried to go to Knott's Berry Farm, since it was like 5 minutes from where we were staying, but they closed at 6. After that we made our way over to Downtown Disney. I was beyond tired at this point so I don't think I was fully able to enjoy the evening as I should have.

After that we headed back to the house we were crashing at {Jacob's mom's friend was nice enough to offer up his house for a couple nights} and set our alarms for early the next morning so we could hit Disney as soon as it opened.

Unfortunately instead of checking myself, I went by the mis-information that the park opened at 8 when really it opened at nine. We got there around 7:30am and were turned away because they didn't start parking people until 8 since the park didn't open until 9. It was okay, though. We drove to some random residential area and parked in front of some random house just to look through the map and decide what we were going to hit first.

8am comes and we make our way back to the parking garage ... just to wait in a line that was longer than we were expecting lol. Once we were in, the fun started. I had some issues with comparing the two: Disney World vs. Disneyland. That was part of the reason why going to Disneyland wasn't on the top of my to do list because I knew I'd compare them. It took me a while, but I eventually stopped and started to enjoy the park for what it was. I still compared them, but silently in my own head, rather than voicing them.

It was a long, but fun day. We got to all the rides we wanted to, except Space Mountain, but the line was more than an hour wait and if we got the fast pass, it would have had to have been the last ride we rode and we didn't want to do that. Other than that, all the others that were a must see were seen. After doing all the must ride ones, we took our time going to the others that weren't quite as necessary, but still a fun time. We were there literally from the park's open until they closed. 9am until midnight. Once we left the park, we stopped at McDonald's to get something to eat and then crashed once we got back to the house.

No alarms were set for yesterday morning, but we were still up around 8:30 anyway. It had been debated whether to go to the beach, but we all opted for just going to the movies. The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time was a good movie. I was told it didn't follow the game very well, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. After the movie, we stopped to get gas and headed on the road back to Vegas.

The drive back didn't seem quite as long, but that might've also been because I wasn't as tired on the trip back. Who knows.

I'm glad that I'm back though. When I said that it wasn't the weekend I was hoping for is because Jacob was much more distant that I thought he'd be. I can understand him not wanting to make his friend feel like the third wheel; trust me I know how it feels and it's not a fun time, but avoiding any kind of affection completely? I don't think it was necessary. Sadly, though, I was expecting it, so the weekend was pretty much as expected.

I'm not really going to go into much more detail; there's quite a bit that needs to be figured out right now before I write anything else.

Anywho, that's how the weekend went. I work tomorrow {the building is closed, but I volunteered; the holiday pay will be helpful} and then I go back to a regular work week. I shall try to write again soon. It really all depends on if anything happens.

This is my new favorite picture of Zaidrien. My sister said she put him down on her pillow after feeding him and he passed out like this:

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