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undecided
Full of Anger
Friday. 12.5.08 8:30 am
I've heard too much of that phrase lately. My uncle tells me that pretty often because I've pretty much retorted angrily at statements made by my family members.

I may be very unhappy with myself, very ungrateful, and angry at most of the things I see. Why? It is ridiculous to ask me why when everything I do, there has to be criticism to it and they are hardly constructive!

Let's take my weight and height for example, I'm fat all the time to all those bloody relatives. No one defends me when it comes to that, even my brothers will sneer at me. I'm about 156-158cm tall and I weight about 50kg. It is ridiculous how people will never look at themselves in the mirror before commenting on my height and weight. Do you think it is so damn easy to change a person's height and weight? I'm 19, I hardly grow anymore!

My studies, regardless of how good results I get, I never get much acknowledgement. I'm the eldest, I'm supposed to get these results because it sets a good example for my younger brothers. I can also never NOT get an A because that will cost me my schlarship and when that happens, you can see disappointment written all over their faces. They'll also start asking "what happened"? Then comes, you should do this and you should do that. Afterwards, they will leave me hanging and say "it's up to you what you want to do". I can hardly not study, walk into an exam with a blank head and do my best. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE!

I have to be very responsible for what I do, must be very reliable too. Most responsibilities have to fall on my shoulder. WHY? Because I'm the eldest, simple as that. I must be there to be relied on and not whine. I can't complain too much too cause that turns me into an ungrateful whining bitch. I can't even blame them for not being able to do things I want to.

After 19 years of being pushed in that direction, I can't be grateful for whatever results I've done my best with because I HAVE TO DO BETTER, I can't do this, I can't do that, would it be weird that I spend my time on the internet most of the time and is quite unsociable, with a face which says "come near me and I'll bite you head off"? Would it be unreasonable that I'm feeling unsatisfied at myself three-quarters of the time? Is it my fault that I can hardly be grateful for the things I have?

Because I can hardly block all of these negative unconstructive comments, I have to be all stressed up and pissy. Then you comment on how "I'm all wind-up". How can I be happy when nothing I do seems right? Myself is being rejected by the environment I'm supposed to feel at ease with? How can I not be full of anger when I have to fix myself all the time to live up to your expectations and is NEVER acknowledged for it?

I wish these answers would just drop down from the sky!

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Hold!
Friday. 11.28.08 6:48 am
I'm putting plotting evil plans on hold. Yes, need to empty some space for my finals first. I can slowly plot things during my holidays.

I also need to put shopping on hold. I spent about 400 bucks already, and I'm broke. Not a big amount for some people but it is a lot for me since I don't always go shopping. It is a boring thing to do too often. I'm currently wondering if I should get a pair of boots or another sport shoes. Pretty much that and a few more tees. Again, this will be put on hold till next weekend.

Though one thing I won't quite put on hold is keeping an eye out to see if the bitch has turned straight again. She's been going out and staying over at this guy's house (who is apparently married). Though it is definitely said that it is a friend of unknown gender but I've seen the guy coming to fetch her pretty often and the fact that bumping into the two of them at the warehouse sale doesn't help.

I'm also putting on hold on finding the place in this country which can effectively diagnose Dyslexia. Don't need to worry about that too much.

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Bitch
Tuesday. 11.25.08 11:25 pm
I dont like her, i never liked her and now she is like a fucking pain in the ass to me. on the morning that i feel so motivated to study, she hast to give me work which is not study related.

WHAT THE FUCK IS FUCKING WRONG WITH THIS BITCH? you live in the same house, you use the internet, no doubt not as often as my brother and I, so you don't want to pay for what you've used? I may not been doing the housework lately but have u heard me complain that I have too much work to do so I can't do the house work when I need to do it? I do it anyway no doubt i have to look after the house, study to maintain my scholarship and work at the same time? blooody bicth! you dont fucking bother to call when u dont need someone to fetch u back, we have to call u. have to put up with ur fucking temper when no one goes to fetch u cause u dont even tell us that we are supposed to fetch u. I have to go find u during my breaks because we are supposed to have breaks together but no, u go on your on and i have to fucking waste my time. just because my aunt loves u it doesnt fucking give u right to act as if u are the queen of the house. Of course I haven't taken into account the number of times my brother has to fetch you to and from work, the number of times you actually paid him and the number of times you claim that you pay him.

I haven't accounted for the fact that u are of another religion and race. I dont want to be racist here but isnt it too obvious that i never go into your room cause there is a typical stink in there. No matter how much perfume u put, it still will stink.

you know, what? the next time i count whatever bills, im gonna make u pay more. I don't care, im the one in charge of counting everything that needs to be split. Trust is what I have and I will manipulate it if I need to. If you wanna be a bitch, I will be one too and I will not stop to find your faults and get you out of here. I don't care if it means that I will need to pay more rent and utility bills. I'm sick and tired of having to do things twice because of someone who says "whatever" to everything and then becomes a hypocrite.

Life will be so much easier after you're gone.

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Dyslexic
Sunday. 11.23.08 9:33 pm
Thanks to House.. Now I'm thinking that I have stressed induced Dyslexia. I just took this test Am I Dyslexic?. There's only yes and no, so I created another column for sometimes cause some these symptoms don't always take place. I have 4 'yes', 3 of them is in the list of 12 indicators of being Dyslexic, 10 'no' 6 in the 12 indicators and 3 ouf of the 6 'sometimes'. If you turn the sometimes into yes, I am Dyslexic, in a way. Need to go to the shrink to find out if I really am and how Dyslexic am I.

Why I think I have a learning disorder when I get good grades? I'm not saying that I'm clever, I'm just the one with too much time locked up at home so much that I study a lot. It is because I'm turned my 'b' into 'd' when I'm writing my notes. I used to only do that in tests/exams which my subconscious thinks is stressful. Apart from my normal not sure if my spelling right even for words like "separate", and lately I have the tendency to put 'w' in front when I want to type/write "right". Not only that, delete turned "detele" and between became "detween", even now, I kept on typing "Dyslecix"!

The first time this was pointed out to me was after my English test, two years ago. At 17, I was made to write my 'b' and 'd' on the blackboard in front of the whole class. Imagine the embarrassment and confusion. Best part is that I reviewed the test before passing up and my spelling was correct (cause I know I'm prone to make spelling mistakes) I'm not sure if this situation continued for my matriculation finals cause we never get our papers back and my lecturers didn't say anything to me after that.

I am stressing myself out with this, I know. Just want to get it out of my system so that I can study for my finals. I hope mine is really stress induced, then it won't happen so often or I just think that I have it means.. I don't know what that means. I got used to having trouble with my spelling and I don't like having to inform the school administration that I have some kind of learning this order and I get some kind of special attention from the lecturers (I have been teased enough to be some of my lecturer's favourite) and who knows what they'll do to my scholarship!

Okay, got to go, studying beckons.. I may not have the motivation to study but I need to study.

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Disappointment
Tuesday. 11.18.08 10:58 am
There is nothing like receiving marks for my previous economics test to make me unhappy. Is it me and my big mouth that I make it seem like I know a lot about economics in class? I was just trying to not fall asleep while you teach so I participate in your teachings to make time pass faster. IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU CAN MARK MY BLOODY PAPER IN A STRICTER MANNER! I am absolutely assuming this point but it does seem that she is marking my paper more strictly! Bloody hell! I hate studying my ass off and not getting the marks that I aim for. I did take economics before but Canadian and UK syllibus are two different things. Things covered in one aren't covered in the other and vice-versa although there are the similarities.

There is so little people I can just send a text to and receive a reply that I want. She's busy, very busy, I feel guilty everytime I lend her ears. Another makes me feel worst when he opens his mouth, feels absolutely wrong if you ask me, and lastly people who make me feel even worst by doing their thing. Shouldn't have let this happen. Really shouldn't.

I'm sleeping early, waking up early tomorrow to do laundry and study. Don't have as much time as the others since I'm working so I have to start pushing limits while not stressing myself out.

I know I've been over implying that I don't have much time since I'm working.. Not that I like being this way.. Sucks!

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Lying.
Monday. 11.17.08 3:04 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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