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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Sales talk
Tuesday. 6.20.17 10:46 pm
Just now I got sales or rather prep talk by a friend who is much younger than me. I got no problem with that, but seriously don't ever use sentimental reasons to make me join the team.

I have been in the sales line for already 11 years. Yea, the next sentence, perhaps, you think I will say "know all your tactics" but what I am going to say is we really need wisdom in this life. Seriously. I was informed about the returns and benefits of joining. I am not blind by the returns but then I don't have the capital and I don't want to even think about the capital-building part because I am highly stress.

Yes, stress. I am so burnt out since 2015 that I didn't have a chance to destress. Because of that, I feel that I am not being myself. I didn't think think properly before talking hence I am talking crap. Acting crap. Brain is crap with exhaustion. And yet I pile more work onto myself in the hope I could find a new road to earn more money. And then you know what? I further burnt out.

I think that's why my higher self told me to meditate. To meditate in a meditation, to be exact. Because I am lacking of so much rest. Opening a new path is correct but why? Have I asked myself truly why? Why did I do that? Is it a new hobby? I didn't truly ask myself. I just jumped into them.

Jumping without a plan is a waste of time not only failure. Hence the quote from Benjamin Franklin, �If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!�. Yup, do you jump without a parachute? I mean some people do but not everyone.

And I am so stress here that I don't have time to reflect on what I want. Lost/Stuck could be the right word to describe my current situation. But yesterday a motivator said try using 'IN TRANSITION" instead and hell ya. I don't see any improvement yet and yet transition so what? I still need to think what I want next!

So ya.. all I want is time to rest my soul. And here I have a friend giving me prep talk in believing in myself for able to get rich by joining his team. Why do you persuade me so hard if you are already getting money from it? You should be like "You don't want? Ok, next!" That's the attitude!

Sometimes it's not that I don't want to join. It's about priorities.

And yes I have abilities in excelling in everything but hey I need time to connect to myself to excel!

I'm just so fucking tired! Why can't people understand that simple statement. I even told this friend I am very tired. All I need is time to think. And I'm extremely deprived because life in urban is like that. You either worried about money or time.


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Sai tei
Monday. 6.5.17 8:20 pm
Sai tei means the worst in Japanese.

So many things are running in my friend's problem. Sai tei is the best word to describe her situation but I don't know where to put this label to.

My friend is an academician who married our mutual friend who is of her nationality. They dated for one year and got married after that. Both couple are academician actually and they are such a good looking couple. They have two kids now with the youngest being one year old.

The problem is she has postponed her postgraduate studies for the family. And now she has three weeks to fly to Australia for her postgraduate studies after so many years of postponing. And now her husband is threatening her to divorce her if she were to study in Australia after so much of giving her lip service that he supports her academic rigour and endeavour. She was so heartbroken. The reason of her studying is to provide a better future for her family. Having a PhD for an academician is very much the only way for a lecturer to have promotion and to earn more money. She has explained this to her husband but he turned against her and now they are having a cold war started by him. His parents have required him to talk to the wife but he is not budging.

How heartbroken a wife can be when her husband is not supporting her. While she was sharing us her situation in the Whatsapp group, she informed us she received an email. It was a divorce application.

I was so right when she validated that he has an astronomical ego where everyone at home has to listen to him. I feel her so much because I grew up in such family too until my mother stood against my father and told him to fuck off for showing his 'man-li-hood.' My ass, really.

She is a strong person but a strong person also can break, and he/she breaks even more. I only fear for the kids. Will the husband hide the kids like I heard from my friend's experience? I have mentioned that how many times can she sacrifice her dreams, needs and wants for him? Will this be a healthy relationship, and even safe?

It is easy for me to say that I will proceed with the divorce application despite having kids since my husband threatens me. But really like for her situation? What's the underlying underlying reason for him to disapprove her decision? Ego? That does not allow her to have higher qualification than him? She has said she is bringing along the family with her to Australia. Many of my friends even do that.

So what and where is the problem? So many things I don't know deeply. What she has told us perhaps is just the surface.

But really, what would I do if I were her in her shoes? I think I will just divorce. There's no future in a relationship when either one is consumed with ego especially where everyone has to 'follow my order'. This is not a safe and healthy relationship. That is what I saw in the man I dated many years ago. At the beginning of a relationship, people will be so loving... even the guy and girl will accommodate each other, but for how long? After third date period, he threw the phone across the hotel room when I accidentally said in a higher tone that I will be late for the airport. And also one episode he said to me "I am the man, the leader, so let me lead". Err... we were just walking, bro. Why such heavy sentences? I am glad I dumped him. Haha. Oh well, that's because I am an alpha female.

But then... for my friend... dosuru? (In Japanese is what are you gonna do?) I cannot comprehend the pain she is in now.

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Sunday. 5.28.17 9:39 am
As of today, it is the longest record of me not cutting my hair. The last time I had a hair cut was in end of December 2015.

Try guessing the length of my hair.

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This is Bye?
Sunday. 5.14.17 11:04 am
I have, again, spoken to this friend despite receiving thorns in his sentences in August 2016. And I feel this time is no difference. Another thorn in the sentence. Is it necessary, dude? Thank god I didn't share my current line-up activities with you. You are surely going to hit me with a storm of thorns and I certainly don't need some sarcasm from you.

We were just chatting the usual topic like how's life and what's up. He asked how are my plans like studying masters and what not. All I did was to deflect by answering I am burnt out and all plans are put on hold. For financial activities wise, I just say I am focusing on savings. Ok fine. And because we were initially talking about my selfies which were a lot nicer now... thanks to make up and whatever other factors, he complimented them that I look much better now. So I replied him that I am still consuming the supplements that were recommended by him as well as other brands. The immediate reply was "Wow, I don't know how you have so much money." Yea. the supplements recommended by him are very very expensive, but I consume on and off. And what the fuck do you want me to do when I am told I have borderline health problems that need medication? The supplement I'm taking now is to control it from worsening. So what the fuck do you want me to do? Focus on savings until my health problem deteriorates? And then use all the savings I saved to spend on medication which will be more expensive than supplements... because it will involve surgery if worsen. Damn you, dude.

You are not in any better health than I do. You got symptoms popping out around your eyes. No sickness does not mean you are healthy. I am trying my best to stay healthy. No health no wealth, no wealth no health. No difference actually. It does not matter if I work full time because I will still be doing something else on the weekend and after work! You can't fucking stop me from gaining new experiences!

The bitter truth is sometimes we have to let go friends who are not aligned with us anymore. Come on, try retrospecting, did I ever fucking give you the same treatment like you did to me? Did I ever say words that make you uncomfortable negatively? Your words are not propelling me to be better. Your words are spilling over fear and whatever negative emo to me and it's not my fault to begin with. Don't ever inflict pain in others because you are in pain. I can listen to your pain but that's it. We often tell others our pain repetitively and we forgot the pain that we caused in those listeners in a way.

I have enough of these thorny words, dude. I was happy to be going to Hiroshima again in August 2016, and you immediately jumped the gun "Oh you are not saving anymore?" When I said it was a free trip in return escorting a kid, and you question ed it like "isn't that a stupid job?". Whatever it is, you brought this unto yourself. I have said so many times that there are opportunities out there to achieve what we want. I have proven many times by getting free trip to go abroad. So what's the problem?

You said you got no money. Fine. You have fantastic writing skills. So I suggested to write a book. You said bla bla. But you know what? A bestseller book I have read somewhere took the author 17 years to write. Bla bla? Start writing now, dude then maybe you can earn royalties in the future. Book is a no? Ok then, give writing course? Bla bla. Again, dude. You got so many excuses. So many skills to earn money yet so many excuses. Design something related to writing and sell it for USD 5. Sound little but if you have 10 people buy per day and the other day and also the other days in the future.. are you not already ahead of others in earning foreign income? Ok. Fair. I may not know the writing world very well. All I know is I want to write a book and I need to learn from scratch! How frustrating I am when I see others fretting such stuff!

Anyways... also.. sometimes we don't have to share all of our dreams and information with our close friends and family. How sad is that, isn't it?

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Seduction, again?!
Tuesday. 5.9.17 10:15 pm
Ok. I am being called stupid again for being a strong independent feminist. I have been told again to make use of my femininity to make others do my bidding. This newly made friend gave me a situation where if a girl is seen a little weak... guys will swoon over to help. And guys see strong female like me they don't give a damn in helping me.

This is not ok. Being feminist or not, is there anything wrong with being too independent? I am just being myself! It's not like I don't ask for help when I needed one. It's just the people in my my surrounding just don't want to help! And that's lead me to becoming strong female! For god sake, it's because of my environment I am like this and some guys are blaming me for becoming like that. So what the hell do you want me to do? Go crying at work? And then people will say I am not resilient at work. What is really going on?!

Seduction, again, I am told is a useful skill which I need to master. Alright. I shall try seducing a cat.

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Monday. 4.24.17 11:46 pm
Right, food!!!!

And hell, I got severe food poisoning on the weekend. Vomited and diarrhea within a few hours apart left me so weak until today.

Tracing back, it could be the raw salmon I ate in a salad, the free hot chocolate drink I had from Starbuck, the hot chocolate I had during my Instagramming, the Green Curry Noodle, the supplements which I always have healing crisis.

And I got no idea which is the culprit. But medical doctor and my friends pinpointed the raw salmon. My sister said we should not be eating raw food anymore due to the heavy sea pollution. My mum blamed on the health supplements that I ate. Oh well, I don't want to talk about the latter. She blames everything on things that are neither positive or negative in life.

Anyways, despite that, I attended a talk and watched a HK blockbuster movie on Sunday. It was such a ME-TIME that I needed to air myself and head. You know what? I even thought of watching another movie right after I came out from the cinema room! But I didn't. Because I know I was exhausted in a way even though I didn't feel it. That was true because I felt weak the following day.

Oh well, no more raw fish for now!

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