J. messaged me on Facebook unexpectedly tonight. I was writing a paper, but we talked for awhile. He apologized for how he acted towards me around our breakup, and seemed a little more self-aware than he was before. Although... there were times he seemed to have brief spurts of clarity, and then he'd just fade back into the same old denial back when we were dating. I'm not sure if I can trust that he'll maintain self-awareness now.

I appreciated his apology. I never expected him to make it, but better late than never. It's been over a year since the last time we had a real conversation. I'm over what happened between us, but it was kind of gratifying to get a legitimate apology. He seems like he still has a lot to work on, though.

There are other people I wish I could get real apologies from, but at this point, I don't think I ever will. It's not something I'm preoccupied with, but I think there is a tiny part of me that just wants to know that they took the time to reflect and really understand how and why they hurt me, and acknowledge that.

---

Meeting up with someone on Saturday and I am equal parts excited and terrified. He seems potentially cute and interesting and I'm trying not to psych myself up too much about this but aaahhh it's hard.

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This was a song that played on the radio last night in his car. I'm feeling very taken with it at the moment. It's sublime with the subwoofer Kyle gave me.

"Britannica" by Bows.

Sleepless nights by candlelight
I'm sick of sneaking round
A kiss is a kiss but this is fake
I spend all my time trying to stay awake

But if I'm dreaming
Why do you look so alive?
The truth is you won't change for my sake
I guess at least we tried

Moonlight drives, our lives are boring
Fed up sneaking round
This true-love affair is fading fast
Feels like the sun's coming out at last

And if I'm dreaming
Why did it seem so contrived?
Up there with you just feels like falling
Well, at least we tried

---

Even with my weighted gloves, Turbo Kick is starting to feel very easy again. I tried jumping around more to up the intensity, but I'm not sure how much it helped. I am wondering if I should start doing two classes on Mondays... I did get myself out to the gym on Saturday despite not having a scheduled class, at least.

After I got back from the gym I took a nap... was way longer than I expected, and I had a lengthy dream during it. There was a small part towards the end of the dream where someone from my past called me on the phone, and I wasn't sure what to say to them, but I had something important to do so I couldn't chat anyway. I woke up feeling weird about it, and didn't realize at first that it hadn't really happened. In the dream I had some sympathy for them but it just felt awkward and it wasn't clear to me why they were calling me after so long. No resolution, but I guess that's how real life is as well...

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I was out a long time today, although I guess it was actually shorter than a typical Thursday, haha. Just felt like a lot more because I didn't have downtime.

In the morning I had ECS, and I invited that guy I had one date with. He seemed pretty into it, and we stayed through the potluck and the workshop after the main lecture. I didn't really talk to him during any of that, but he talked to various other people there at least.

After the ECS stuff, we went to a park near my house and walked along the creek for awhile. There's not actually a consistent bank or a path or anything, so it involved a lot of strategizing to keep going, but it was fun. Cold though, yeesh. Moving along kept me from getting too chilly, at least, and we never fell into the water.

Walked and got doughnuts after the creek, then walked back to his car and drove to a nearby bowling alley, but it was too loud in there so we walked to a movie theatre instead. On the way there, we got to the crosswalk as the display was counting down from 8, and it's a pretty long crosswalk... So I yelled "WE CAN MAKE IT" and sprinted across. He ran after me and looked like he enjoyed that. There were no good movies... so we just ended up getting dinner, haha. He looked so serious throughout dinner, and I mentioned it a few times jokingly. I think he could stand to laugh more. We talked a fair amount about our views on depression and its place in our lives. We're in very different places with our perspectives and handles on our depression... the major difference being that I haven't been significantly depressed in awhile.

He felt like getting a smoothie after dinner, so we went somewhere he could get one, then wandered around a nearby Target until it closed. That mostly involved me walking around and picking up random items and commenting on them, although he picked up a dumbbell to see how much he could lift. I was surprised by how much heavier 25 lbs felt than 20 lbs. We spent a good chunk of time in the deodorant/body spray aisle because I decided to see how a lot of the men's body sprays smelled. None of them were as good as Tag First Move, but I didn't expect anything to top that anyway. That scent is too good for this world of sinners.

After Target closed, we walked back to his car and sat there listening to the radio. I described the visual impressions I got from the songs that played, mostly, but we talked more about depression as well. Also talked about some silly stuff like what you could wish for if you had a genie. He was saying you could wish to have a bunch more magic lamps, but I said that didn't fit with the spirit of the law of "you can't wish for more wishes." Then he suggested wishing for a map to find other magic lamps, and I said that might be okay, since it doesn't guarantee you'll get other wishes. If it was an evil genie though, it might give you a map that you'd find unreadable or something. (This discussion started because I told him that all my wishes are heavily qualified just in case an evil genie tries to grant them)

I had a decent time hanging out with him, but I'm not really feeling a romantic spark here, so I think it's just gonna be friendship at most. He's got some things going on that I don't really want in my dating life. The search continues, I suppose...

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"Don't Worry, You Will" by lovelytheband.

I can make you happy for a while
Smile for a little
Pretending like my heart ain't broke
You think I'm charming for a minute
Funny for a second
Until I turn into a joke

Trying to stay positive
Not an easy way to live
Step inside of my brain
We can take it nice and slow
At the pace you wanna go
Laugh right through the pain

She said "I can't find a thing I don't like about you"
And I'm like "don't worry, you will"
"I don't wanna find a reason to doubt you"
And I'm like "don't worry, you will"
I'm a freak, I'm a fraud
I'm a child, I'm flawed
She said "I can't find a thing I don't like about you"
And I'm like "don't worry, you will"

Oh you'll say you really love me
Right up until you leave
There's nothing I can do to help
The conversation will get ugly
A dream into a chore
You'll say you need to find yourself

Trying to stay positive
Not an easy way to live
Laugh right through the pain

I really like this song.

Supposed to see that guy I had the nice first date with again tomorrow. Guess we'll see how that goes.

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From How People Change by Allen Wheelis (pg. 30):

The more we are strong and daring the more we will diminish necessity in favor of an expanding freedom. "We are responsible," we say, "for what we are. We create ourselves. We have done as we have chosen to do, and by so doing have become what we are. If we don't like it, tomorrow is another day, and we may do differently."

Each speaks truly for himself, the one is just so determined, the other is just so free; but each overstates his truth in ascribing his constraint or his liberty to life at large. These truths are partial, do not contend with each other. Each expresses a quality of experience. Which view one chooses to express, to the exclusion of the other, better describes the speaker than the human condition.

I last read this book over two years ago, and I'm currently rereading it for my book club. I remember now why I found it so vitalizing and inspiring. Wheelis is so good at explaining Existential viewpoints simply and relatably. Moving past dichotomous conceptions without any fluffy language.

There is no switch between freedom and necessity that you can turn on and off; trying to talk to people about their responsibility for themselves does not have to be shaming or blaming. It is a mindset that can be cultivated, but people aren't living a lie if they aren't seeing their own freedom. It's like any skill... having the potential to be good at something doesn't mean you should be blamed for not already being good at it. These things take time, energy, effort, motivation, patience. I wish that people would more readily accept responsibility as a good thing, as an empowering thing. I am responsible for my pain but I am also responsible for my enjoyment, for my growth, for my peace and happiness. External factors do contribute, of course, but there's so much possibility within the self to change and expand.

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Thinking about some of the background mental processes that run behind my more pressing thoughts. Things that don't necessarily have much bearing on what I do or think, but are still just... there.

One of the ones that used to be a main insecurity for me, but has faded to a whisper, is "___ if you were thinner." Examples of this include:
"They'd be nicer to you if you were thinner."
"He would still love you if you were thinner."
"You'd be prettier if you were thinner."

I'm well aware that those don't stand up well to reality testing, but it's sort of an automatic thought that comes up. Generally I just let it pass, but it drops in to say hello sometimes, mostly if I'm feeling down.

They'd want to be friends with you if you were thinner.

---

Have been feeling conflicted about a friendship recently. Not feeling like that person understands me. Ironically, other people have been going to that person for information about me, which is... unfortunate. It's something I've been processing for a couple weeks, trying to figure out how to bring up. I don't like to let feelings of unease fester. Stuff just eats away at you if you do that, and I would like to work this out if possible. I'm tired of feeling misunderstood and unheard.

---

Yesterday was quite long. On Thursdays I'm usually out of the house for about 14 hours, but I was out 16 hours on 5 hours of sleep yesterday. Surprisingly awake the entire day though! I woke up at 5 AM and stayed awake until past midnight, and I didn't even nap.

My normal schedule on Thursdays is roughly as follows:
5 AM: Wake up
6:30 AM: Leave for train station
8:30 -11:30 AM: Class
11:30 AM - 3 PM: Long break
3 - 6 PM: Class
6:20 PM: Walk to train station
8:30 PM: Finally get home

I didn't get home until more like 10:30 PM yesterday because some of my classmates wanted to go to a bar after school and I wanted to get to know them better. Going to a bar will never be my first choice for a social setting, but I accept that that's an accommodation I have to make in this culture. It wasn't like I hated it or anything, it was just kind of loud and harder to have a conversation. Also the entire place smelled like beer, which was pretty disgusting. I got to talk to one of the girls I've been feeling... hesitant... about, though, which was cool. She said that she was also glad to get to know me better. I think we're both making efforts to be open to learning about each other rather than avoiding contact because we're wary of each other.

There were a few things I felt pretty good about yesterday. During my 3.5 hour break, I had lunch with one of my classmates who I think is becoming my friend, but then he wanted to work on a paper, so I was wandering around on my own. I decided to walk around the city and ended up at a plaza that had some interactive exhibits. One of the exhibits was a gravel pit that had some sensors in it to measure how quietly you could walk. I was looking at it, and the guy who was manning it invited me to try it. He pushed a button to reset the score and I walked across. Got a 2.5, and I wasn't sure if that was good or bad, but he said it was good and encouraged me to try again and see how much lower I could get my score (higher = more noisy, so a low score was better). I did it several times, mostly getting lower scores, and he was very encouraging and friendly. My final score was 0.1 out of a possible 100. Felt pretty pleased with myself. He told me he knew I could do better than my first score and that confidence was key, haha. I'd been feeling kind of lonely before then because I wanted to hang out more with people, but I felt better after that interaction.

When I was walking back to school, I saw some bright distorted reflections on the side of the school building, and they were quite beautiful. Rippling ovals with luminous outlines scattered across the wall. I wish I could have taken a picture.

In my second class, we did dyads, which are just activities where one person is the therapist/listener and the other is the client/talker and you're in each role for 15-20 minutes, and you get feedback about how you did as the therapist/listener. The girl I partnered up with was someone I hadn't really talked to before, but I liked her and I felt like there was some camaraderie over a shared feeling about our program. It was nice to feel like someone got what I was saying. She laughed in that way that people laugh when you're speaking bluntly about something they relate to but have felt shy about admitting. The laughter of relief, and amusement, and the tiniest amount of guilt about how good it feels to finally be open. It was laughter I could connect with.

I've been feeling like it's hard to really connect with people in my program because there's so much seriousness and not enough playfulness. In my T-group, I've made a few jokes now that just did not land, and it was really awkward to say something that got taken literally. Feeling happy and playful and wanting to laugh are parts of my authentic experience, but I feel restricted in sharing that in the group because of the somber atmosphere. The seriousness makes me want to be extra silly during the break between classes. Yesterday I was wondering when the last time I'd skipped was, and I had no idea, so I skipped down the hall, and it was pretty fun. It's fun AND it's faster than walking, and if I weren't weighed down by a backpack and my lunch bag, I might skip around San Francisco more, haha.

---

I'm still greatly enjoying my new speakers. When certain songs come on and I'm hit with the richness of their sound, I can't help but break out in smiles. I love feeling the bass pulsing through my body.

---

Even though I've generally been feeling pretty good lately, I've also been missing some people and wishing I could talk to them. Mostly people I was close to once, but am not in contact with for one reason or another. One of them is someone I haven't talked to for years, and things did not end on good terms between us, but I still miss talking to him and I think about what he'd say about various things sometimes. I didn't want to miss him for a long time, but as I've been feeling more settled in myself, I've become more accepting of "what is" rather than "what should be." Missing him doesn't have to mean I necessarily want him back. I'm just being honest with myself about how I feel and letting myself sit with that feeling. It doesn't feel like I'm dwelling on it or like I'm "not over it" necessarily. I think part of my avoidance before was related to not wanting to feel shamed over having any feelings whatsoever around him, but when it comes down to it, maybe that's just how I operate. I carry everyone I've ever loved with me in some way, because people are significant to me. I'm learning to be at peace with that. It doesn't actively cause me distress generally, so I don't think it's unhealthy. I think it is genuinely okay.

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Today was a really good day. I went up to the city to meet with one of my professors, and we spent a couple hours talking about what happened in class with my controversial classmate on Wednesday, and about the broader social implications of it. She said that she thought it was impossible to bridge the gap and get through to people sometimes, and I said I didn't think it was. My reaction surprised her, but she said that it was heartening and that I'd given her hope. She also said I seemed very balanced and healthy and asked if I had any idea why I am the way I am now. I couldn't really give her a clear answer on that one, as I've been pondering it for awhile myself. Obviously I have my bad days, but overall, I've definitely been trending up for awhile in terms of my mental health and general centeredness as a person. My last year of school was hard on me, but I'm doing much better now.

After leaving the meeting, I felt radiant.

My prof said I seem to be on the right track with my aims, and that she had the urge to be a cheerleader to me, but she didn't want to pressure me to follow her ideas. I told her that I am doing what I want, and it's not about what other people think I should do. I make my own goals, based on my own values. Other people are useful sources of information, and on rare occasions, inspiration, but I'm not trying to win the approval of any particular person.

The conversation was heartening for me too, although I haven't been feeling like I'm stuck or headed in an unclear direction recently. It just felt nice to have the self-work I've done acknowledged.

I picked up some stuff I needed from The Body Shop (tea tree face wash-- I think it's been helping keep my skin clear since I started using it religiously again) and took the train back home. My dad picked me up and asked if I'd ordered something, because a very large package had arrived for me... I couldn't think of anything I'd ordered, so I was confused. When I got home, there was a big box addressed to me, and I opened it and found out that Kyle had sent me some speakers for my computer!

Here's one of them:

So, for a long time I had a super ghetto speaker setup. For a number of years I just had some old iPod speaker dock plugged into my headphone jack, but that kinda stopped working, so I was just using this other dinky little speaker that my mom gave me for free. It's like... some portable bluetooth speaker that also has an aux port. As much as I love music, I just haven't cared to invest in good audio equipment, I guess. Didn't seem super important to me to have high quality sound, haha. Kyle got tired of me having such a terrible setup though, so he sent me this super nice gift. BESTTTT FRAAAAAANDDDD. <3

WOW though, what a difference it makes! I've never had nice speakers before, so it's been like listening to all my music for the first time... I'm really enjoying it. :) Love feeling all the rumbles from the bass, and experiencing a new depth in the songs. I kind of want to just stay in my room and listen to music for days, but alas, I have class tomorrow...

So yeah, a bunch of good things today! Someone I used to be friends with also messaged me on OKC and told me to text him so we could catch up, and that was cool. I shot him a text, but he hasn't responded yet, so I'll see if we end up hanging out or anything I guess. All his profile pictures on OKC look like he was doing some kind of bodybuilding modeling, haha. I'll have to ask what that was about...

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"Hammock" by Millionyoung.

Oh there once was an island, lost in the sea
Once were two lovers, just my love and me
While we laid in our hammock, the sun in our eyes
I told her I loved her, and that we'd survive

This song is lush and delirious with a touch of darkness, like spinning around in a humid jungle, all the colors of everything blurring together in your vision. Looking for someone you can't find.

I socialized with people today, but it left me feeling exhausted, just totally emotionally drained. Sadness is seeping in a little because of the tiredness. I think I'll probably feel more energized in the morning though.

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