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"Daphne" by T.hanks.


Wondering again if I have any idea of what it means to work hard. Usually I feel like I don't, and then I feel sort of guilty for not knowing how to do it. I hear about other people devoting hours to studying or practicing or working and I feel kind of embarrassed for... not really ever doing that? Like, I get my stuff done, but I feel like I put a pretty minimal effort in most of the time. When I read for class, I pretty much just read through once and I don't really highlight or make notes or anything. >.> Maybe I've become a worse student...

On the other hand, it doesn't seem like I need to "work hard" to get an A in my classes... I can't tell if that's because grade inflation is rampant, professor standards are low, or I'm just performing at a level that is actually good. If it's the case that my low effort is enough to produce work that's comparable to the people who actually put in hours, then... is this a matter of ability? It feels like uncomfortable territory to explore. People tell me I'm smart, but I don't feel like I'm allowed to wholeheartedly accept that without risking coming off as arrogant.

At the very least, I'm lucky, I guess. Or well, I am in some senses. Lucky that I don't have to put in a lot of effort to get a good grade. Maybe unlucky in the sense that I haven't had to learn how to work hard, and if there comes a time when I need to work hard, I might be royally screwed.

But then on the other side, there's the question of whether I'm just delusional about my level of effort and I'm neurotically pushing myself and underestimating how much work I put in because I've been fed this myth of limitless potential my whole life and have deeply internalized it. When you grow up with people constantly saying "you can do anything!" you might end up believing that you can always try harder, do more. If your potential is unlimited then you can never fulfill it, no matter how hard you work, but it always feels like you could be working harder. Got an A in the class? Okay, that's great, but was it a 100% A or a 93% A? Because there's a difference there. Graduated with honors? Okay, but was it magna cum laude or summa cum laude? Summa cum laude? Yeah, that's all well and fine, but could you have picked a more difficult major? Does it really mean anything if you got high grades in an easy subject?

I realize this all comes off as me refusing to acknowledge my accomplishments, but for me it feels like an endless wondering about what my actual limits are. I know I have done some things that are probably worth recognition, I just don't know what my best looks like. Maybe it doesn't look like other people's best. I have no way of knowing. Most of the time when I feel like something is "hard" it's hard because I managed my time poorly or didn't prepare enough, not because the thing itself is difficult. I think that's a valid distinction...

And I don't mean this to reflect on other people at all. If someone worked hard to accomplish the same thing as me and I didn't work hard at all, it doesn't devalue their accomplishment. It's great that they put in a lot of effort for them, in fact.

Maybe I'm just not proud of the work I'm doing because I feel like I'm just coasting... I dunno, it's hard to say.

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"Ouagadougou" by BC Unidos.

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"Side Of The Road" by Big Black Delta.


I worked today, although since I usually have to leave early on Fridays to babysit, I don't have a static room anymore. Today I subbed in the 4-5 pre-K room. Lots of boys, and I always find myself wondering how many of them are going to grow up and break someone's heart. Oddly enough I don't have that thought about the girls, even though it's equally applicable. I feel some affection for them now, but also sadness because of the knowledge that their lives will get so much more complicated.

Also went to the gym today, which I usually don't do on Fridays anymore because... I dunno, I'm lazy now. Tired all the time, maybe. I took a five hour nap today so I guess I must have been exhausted? But after that I was good to work out. They had some freebies/samples at my gym, including spicy Skittles and some kind of Garnier hair mask. Pretty good stuff, actually. I tried out the hair mask when I showered tonight and it's a little overpowering in the scent department, but I like how my hair feels. The Skittles were interesting, not bad. Not really that spicy. I doubt I'd ever buy them, but they were fun to try.

I actually feel pretty good at the moment, which is maybe why this entry is just about random stuff I did and less about deep philosophical thoughts, haha.

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