"Go quit your job, Joe, and do what you do..
Go be a writer, Joe, and work those issues.
Go break some hearts, Joe, they'll forgive you.
Just do what you do."
Things to write about in the upcoming weeks :
Law School - Caitlin tells me just about every week that I should forsake this quest to become an attorney and pursue a career in writing. Don't get it twisted, this interest I have in law is no facade: A part of me really does want to be a prosecuting attorney if for no other reason than to make business cards that read " Jon, Bringer of Justice! " and have my little pink/purple avatar stamped to the upper right corner... but when it's all said and done, I'd rather be a writer. It doesn't matter what I'm writing, either. Reviews for a videogame, scripts for a movie, or donning the title of 'Author Extrodinaire' and penning a novel(Goan numero uno). But... the road I must travel to reach that goal... it's alot more murky than the road to being an attorney. Which brings me to...
The Institute of Law and Public Affairs - Ranked 3rd among all law school preperatory academies in these here United States. I applied... got accepted(suprisingly, given I was/am only in my first year and they usually reserve slots for upperclassmen.) and as I sit here in Downtown San Antonio, 'studying' in the library(I'm reading abunch of Nutang blogs.), I'm starting to regret my decision. Why?
Family/Friends - I miss my family.. Okay, not so much my mom and dad( a little.) But I really miss the little sister. She's going into the 6th grade come Fall. Oh, and I miss Anh.. and her bed. I promise, it's the best bed in the universe. Five long weeks and four more hours til I drive about three hundred miles on both I-10 and I-35 to get home. Anh... Yeah, I miss her while I'm here. Know who else I'll miss?
Adrian - One of my three roommates from last year. We did not have as many meaningful conversations as I had John, another roommate, but we were close. Living with those two and Chern/Matthew(foreign exchange students from Malasya and Singapore, respectively) gave me the sense of Camaraderie I once felt for my football teammates for the six years I spent on turf. I'll be living with John(Yay) and Matthew(Eh.) in an apartment offcampus come fall, but I'll miss Adrian. Him and Brittany are both gone from my life. Perhaps forever.
So, that's what? Four entries? I'll start working on them as soon as I find the time between reading hundreds of legal cases, briefing them, and writing essays for a technical writing class.
If you just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other..
It's her masterful melody
When she calls out my name to me
"Jon!" I'm walking out of a cafe and toward campus when she spots me. I turn around to face Britney, and she gives me this look that makes me feel.. As though I matter. You know the look. The one that neither screams, nor shouts. A look akin to a soft whisper, a look full of zeal and a look that turns my stomach when I realize I have only one night left to appreciate it.
As the world spins around her,
She laughs, rolls her eyes, and I feel like I'm falling but it's no surprise
"Where are you headin," she inquires after the salutations. I tell her I just finished eating, and she pouts her bottom lip and looks away, toward the cafe. "Looks like everyone just finished.."
"Yup, we're all avoiding you," I say with a smile. She rolls her eyes, grins, and takes a step toward the cafe. "Yeah.. Right.. I'll see you in class."
"I don't want you to go," I tell her when we're halfway home after our final. It's somewhere around 9:30 PM and we're walking together for the last time. She's heading home to Houston in a few days, and from there she is moving to Spain.
"I know that it's selfish, but I don't want you to go. I meant what I told you a few weeks back. You.. You are hands down the most intelligent person that I have met in college. You're kind, and smart, and beautiful and I'm going to miss you. And I understand that you want to do this, and you've been planning it since before we even met, but I don't want you to go."
I turned to her and she looked down. "I'm going to miss you, Britney, but I understand why you have to go. It's your passion-- you're following your dream. I wish I could do the same.
"What is your dream? Your passion??
I confess that my dream is to be a writer, not necessarily a lawyer. She tells me I should follow that aspiration-- but that's another entry for another night.We soon realize that we're home and stop walking.
She gives me that look again and I place one arm across the arch of her back, and the other right above it.. And hold her. She wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me back. A year must have gone by while she was in my arms because I can remember the moment so vividly yet it feels as though it happened long ago. I take a step back, say goodbye, and turn to walk away.
Rumors going round and Baby, I guess its true.
Everybody knows it here but you
I love you girl, but you still ain't got a clue.
"You're nice, and smart, but..." I choke.
Choke worse than the San Diego Chargers in the playoffs. Choked worse than my beloved Mavericks did last year. "But...," Britany asks as we trek the trail from our night class back to the dormitory. It's somewhere around 10 PM, and we ended up having a lengthy conversation about men and women, which led to talk about sex, which led to talk about love. I confessed to her that I have only truly loved one woman for almost half of my 19 years on this planet and in return, she confided in me that she her book of love was not all that well versed( like mine,) when the above conversation took place.
"But... You're nice. And smart, and.." DON'T CHOKE, I yell in my head, "beautiful, Britany.. And it's rare when all three traits are in the same person... You're something special." It was then that I turned to face her and saw that she was blushing. We talked some more and, for a change of pace, she ended up walking me to my dorm building. I told 'er bye, collapsed on my bed, and took a week to actually write something.
AND IF I EEEEEEV--(EVER FALL ) IN LOVE AGAAAIN
I will be SURE THAT THE LADY IS A FRIEND
And if I EEEEV--(Ever FALL) IN LOVE SO TRUE
I will be sure that the lady is just like you
I'e got this weird habit of biting my bottom lip. I pull it into my mouth just far enough to sink my teethe into. It is not about nerves, mind you, just something I do when I think.
"Where are you sitting," was the question Brittany posed to me at the beginning of our geo class that got me biting my lip. The question was simple enough, but the.. Sheer potential that my answer held got to me. It was the second time that day that I saw her. The first was when she was walking back from a class and looked up to the balcony of my dorm building and saw me and one of my roommates flailing our arms in the sky and screaming "MISS! BOO! BAH!"\ as we played Wii golf outside. The girls next door, and the two guys who live next to them moved their couches outside and I brought my TV so we stayed up for two nights( The Princess Bride, Harold and Kumar, Wicker Park ( I LOVE THIS MOVIE! ) and 10 things I hate about you ) So she saw me, and I gave her my notes from a class she missed the week prior and asked her to return 'em to me when she comes to our class later that night.
"I'm where I always am, in the back." I led the way up the stairs and sat in my regular spot and she sat beside me. About an hour into the class I made some corny joke about exfoliation and died.(hyperbole, I know.) I always tell her jokes(mostly hair jokes since I'm bald and those always get a smile.) and yeah. Class ends, and we're waiting outside for the shuttle to come to drop us off at our dorm(Here comes the lip biting part.)
On the bus we made what I considered to be small talk.. I joked, she giggled. I smiled, she grinned,I'd lean up across the back of her seat and whisper something, and she'd lend me her ear. I gazed out the window toward the night sky and she put her head down and exhaled. It was during one of those quiet moments with me staring out the window, that I realized that I had been flirting with her the entire evening, and that she had reciprocated. Not so much with the words we spoke(although that was a part of it,) but the things we didn't have to say. Mostly just the gazes. I know, I know, "Big deal, you flirted with a girl you like," right? Right. I was almost giddy for about three minutes before I gazed out the window again and told myself it meant nothing, and that it wasn't a precursor to me actually moving on from the let down that has been well documented on this here weblog. Last time we(Brit and I)talked about relationships she hinted that some other guy had a thing for her, and as much as I'd love to be her man, I really don't want to be her man.
Yes I do.
No I don't.
She's moving to Spain next semester, so it doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that before I bid her adeau after walking her to her room she reached into her backpack and pulled out a piece of chocolate. "I got this especially for you," she told me. In retrospect, she was probably being sarcastic, but hey, she gave me some candy. Gotta' count for something, right?
If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you show off your light
I'll live to let you shine.
Puerto Rico was nice. Iāve been meaning to write about my adventures with Antonia(toni.nutang.com) ever since I came back but Iāve been a little preoccupied with school and living this life God gave me to mold. Iāve got enough things on my mind to write four one thousand word entries, but Iāll spare you, the three people who read this(HI MOM!) the trouble of going through all of those words. Anyway, Puerto Ricoā¦ I could talk a lot about how beautiful some of the towns were.. How much of a culture change it was from Texas to PR, what with everyone speaking Spanish as opposed to Engrish, ( Yeah, I said engRish.), or the polarization of wealth between the very rich and the very poorā¦ but I wonāt. Those things are all noteworthy but the aspect of my trip that left the biggest impression on me was Antonia, my host. My brotha from ANOTHA MOTHA, one of the, if not the, biggest influence on my life outside of my family since my days were spent on the playground, playing the role of Power Rangers and digimon trainers( You know you loved one of those shows.). I spent three nights there, four days with her and they were all amazing. We spent the majority of our time just chilling in her living room, playing on her old N64. āIts nice to be living in 1997, Antonia,ā I teased her when I first saw the thing. She just rolled her eyes and shot back with some sarcastic comment of her ownā¦ probably a hair joke.
We spent a lot of time talking. Living. Loving the company of each otherā¦ It was nice to be able to be with someone and not have to bring in some third party entertainment contraption out of shee rboredom. Although, she did take me to a bar onceā¦ and wouldnāt let me watch Law and Order. She also took me to the university, some b each type deal, a tourist area, and on a lot of other places. I got to ride on a train, too!
Check out the gallery for pictures. There are a lot of āem there with me and her and Puerto Rico.
Iām home nowā¦ and I miss her. Iāve got good people here in San Antonio, people Iād give the shirt off my back toā¦ but no one who I can point to and say, āNine, ten years from now, Iāll still love you like I do now, if not more.ā I used to think that I had two people in my life who I could say that toā¦ but as I alluded to in a previous entry, Iām pushing āer away. Defense mechanism. Iām trying not toā¦ but yeah. Anyway, this entry is dedicated to My Antonia, who I have and always will love from behind these brown eyes of mine to the depths of my soul.