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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Solidity, reality, unreality, in between
Friday, September 28, 2012
My head doesn't feel light in the usual way that people mean.

It feels... weightless? Nonexistent.

I feel like a mass of space that reality is encroaching upon. It is fuzzing at my edges and forcing me into form.


I have wanted to write lately, and I have tried to write, but I stare at this empty whiteness and I feel devoid of substance. There's just too much of it. I don't have this problem with text boxes, because they're small and contained, but I've never been able to write well on just... pages. Want to be angry at Google right now, but I'm too sleepy.


I saw The Master today with a friend. Really liked it, actually. It was like moving through a dream. I felt like I had dream intuition, so it felt like everything went smoothly even though there weren't necessarily connecting/transitioning scenes everywhere there could have been.

It had a lot of boobs in it though. They were "real people" boobs, so they sagged and drooped and didn't look like they belonged to celebrities at all. It was interesting, I guess. I'm not used to seeing naked people who are "real". I see a lot of pictures of scantily clad celebrities all airbrushed and photoshopped, and even though I know so much of it is fake, it is often what I consider "reality". There are also just a lot of pictures of girls on the internet showing off their flat stomachs and nice figures.

It is very easy to feel insecure about one's appearance in this day and age.

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I'm... 21? And other things...
Friday, September 21, 2012
Bein' cute as always.

My dad was installing a new faucet on the sink awhile back, and he was checking to see if there were any leaks, which there apparently were...

He opted for brevity in his warning, so I had no idea what was going on.

You may or may not remember the giant Humpty Dumpty figure that my mom made for my grad night party at school... Well, we finally got rid of it. My aunt is having (or had? I'm not sure) a garage sale, and I guess they're going to be selling it there (or they've already sold it, like I said I'm not sure). Here it is loaded into our van, ready to be carted away to places unknown.

Instead of getting a cake, my mom made me a fruit bouquet type thing for my birthday yesterday. I was really surprised by it, in a good way of course.

The day itself was fairly laid back I guess. My boyfriend came over sometime after noon and we biked with my dad, then came back to my house and watched World's Greatest Dad, which... was... not great... Although my boyfriend apparently quite likes it? -Shrug-

Had dinner at The Fish Market, which was nice, although I got to witness my parents transforming into old people. >_> (I jokingly call them old, but I don't think they're like, seniors or anything) There was a sign outside that said Mondays through Thursdays, you can get a two course meal for $12. We were discussing it during dinner and my dad said he'd eat dinner at 4:30 PM for a price like that. Dad, noooooooo. Noooooooo. Before I know it, he's gonna be wearing his pants up above his stomach and doing other things that stereotypical old people do. D:

After dinner, we went back to my house, and my boyfriend and I watched like... 60 episodes of TNG Recut (sort of a parody series of Star Trek: The Next Generation, which is made by splicing together clips). He fell asleep on the couch, so I went back to my room and chatted with a friend for a little while.

Debating what to call said friend... He is from the chatroom, and my boyfriend used to call him "Attractive Guitar Guy." I'll probably refer to him as AGG for future reference. (This is the same one that I discuss personality things with, and the one who introduced me to TNG Recut) He played this really cool song while we were Skyping last night that he wrote. In the chatroom, he plays a lot of songs, but I think they're all covers. I think it's awesome that he's writing his own stuff now. :P I'd love to write songs, personally, but unfortunately I have no sense for creating music whatsoever. Oh well.

I had a nice birthday yesterday. I'm really glad my boyfriend was there, it made a big difference.

P.S.- I didn't drink.

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Another year has almost passed...
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Running off
Saturday, September 15, 2012
"So here's what we'll do:

We'll go home and pack our overnight bags, and we'll drive down to Carmel-by-the-Sea. We'll get a nice hotel room there and then we'll crash for the night, then get breakfast the next morning and explore."

I just stared, I didn't know what to say.

"Okay, scratch that.

We'll go to the airport, we'll pick up whatever they have that's flying to New York immediately, we'll pack our overnight-- no okay, it'll be longer that that-- we'll pack our bags, and we'll fly out. It takes... what, eight hours? to get there?"

"Uh, more like five hours. A bit more than four," I said.

"Yeah but I'm thinking of layovers. Okay well anyway, we'll get there, and we'll ask the airport staff what the nicest nearest cheap hotel is, we'll sleep, and then we'll wake up the next morning to go sightseeing. If we leave now we'll get there... Saturday morning, I'm thinking. I'll tell my work I'm taking my days off, and they can go fuck themselves. Or maybe that I'm sick."

I had some (admittedly probably weak sounding) reasons I didn't want to do this.

"Can't you just put your lotion in a checked bag? I'll pay for whatever checked bags we have," he said.

And I was just wide-eyed, somewhat shocked, nearly speechless, saying no.


My boyfriend has the urge to travel, and last night he just wanted to whisk me away with him and go somewhere. He wanted to drive to another city and find something to do, something that wasn't just sitting on my couch, watching movies together.

I couldn't agree to it, though. It's just too irresponsible to leave like that with no warning. And yeah, of course it would be exciting... and it would be an adventure... but I just can't do that. My parents trust me to be a fairly responsible and rational individual, and I can't breach their trust by running away for a few days.

I guess in New York I could feel like I had more slack. I still did all my work, I always do my work, that's not something that's optional and it never will be, but the rest of the time that I didn't have classes, if my friends were free, we could just go somewhere. I can't do that here, not really. I don't want to worry my parents, and since my dad retired the idea of spending money has become a lot more scary. My parents have been really generous to me, and I have an account they've placed some funds into that I can use. Not a huge amount, and I'm supposed to use it for school, which I do.

I don't know why I'm rambling like this. He just caught me so off guard last night.

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Revisiting names...
Friday, September 14, 2012
I found out my chat friend's favorite Next Gen episode is the one I was named after... o_o It's a good episode, but considering how long the series ran, that's a crazy coincidence.

We were Skyping for hours and hours last night. I don't even know when we started, but we ended at like 7 AM. >_> It was nice, though. He played some of the songs he's been working on for me and linked me to some different funny videos. We also discussed some Enneagram stuff (instinctual variants) and how they are expressed in people. Both of us are sx/sp, although we have different types (he's a 4w5 and he thinks I might be a 6w7?).

I'm not good at explaining all this stuff, since I really don't know that much about it on my own, but basically sx types want (crave?) intense, close connections with a small number of people.

The way I tend to think about it is in terms of this story by John Varley called Equinoctial. There is the main character, Parameter, who is this er... biologically modified space-farer, and her companion/vessel is a Symb (a creature that is attached to her/envelops her, protects her, cares for her) named Equinox. They are everything to each other, and in space cannot really survive without one another. Later on in the story they get separated actually, and Equinox sort of dies.

The idea of being so close to someone, knowing them so well, feeling so connected, that you're practically absorbed by each other-- it sounds really weird but it's also kind of appealing, I guess because of the sx. That is sort of what I think about when I express a desire for a best friend. I miss it.

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It comes and goes, you can't escape it
Friday, September 14, 2012
I'm gonna be officially older soon.


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Saturday, September 8, 2012
So, I found out that my dad named me after a character in Star Trek.

I'm not entirely sure what to think of that. It's kind of cool I guess, kind of funny. I never really knew where he got the name from, so uh, I guess now I have that bit of information tucked away.


Last night I drank a virgin pina colada at a Mexican restaurant that served french fries, while my boyfriend ate a salad and a quarter of a chicken.

We watched a man play a shovel in an art gallery, and I got a free comic called Rare Creature. I think it's about a pregnant woman and she's a hypochondriac or she's crazy or both, I'm not sure.

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The optimist-pessimist game
Monday, September 3, 2012
When I was in high school I used to play this "game" I called the optimist-pessimist game. Basically I would challenge my friend, who was very optimistic, to come up with an optimistic viewpoint of something, and I would come up with the pessimistic side to it.

So we would go for something fairly neutral, like the sky, and she would say "the sky is blue and it's beautiful and sunny out today," and I would say "there are a lot of clouds that look like they're heading this way, it's probably going to rain soon, and the sun is too bright and it's making it too hot outside."

You get the gist of it.

I used to think I was naturally pessimistic, but honestly I'm actually pretty optimistic... Not in the really obvious way where it just seems like everything is great to me, but I do see an upside to most things.

I've been talking to a guy from my chat on Skype for a few months, just discussing his issues, trying to help a little. Sometimes I wonder why some of this stuff isn't more obvious to people, but that's the wrong way to think, I think. He wants to cut a girl out of his life because she made him realize all these bad things about himself. He's unhappy about that, but I see it as an opportunity for self-improvement.

Even when I'm depressed, I know that if I just wait it out it'll go away. The optimism does get subdued when my mood is that low, but it still manifests itself in small ways.

I feel like that little sense of optimism has helped me out a lot through my various phases of er, emotional issues. A few years ago I thought optimism was stupid, and I'd be embarrassed to be optimistic about anything, but... I think I'm okay with it now. Thankful.

I just wish I could make other people see the bright side sometimes.

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