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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Something feels better
Monday, July 30, 2012
I woke up feeling pretty down. The feeling continued throughout most of the day.

I wasn't really in the mood to socialize, but I thought I should say something to my boyfriend, if only to check in with him. Talking to him when I'm depressed generally isn't a good idea, because he doesn't know what to say, but I think it kind of worked out alright this time.

Past times, he would get frustrated and tell me I don't listen to him when he tries to tell me good things about myself, or just say he didn't know what to say and that he was going to do something else. It bothered me a lot that he did that, but I would generally just let him go and keep on feeling depressed. He'd also ask me what I wanted him to say, but well, I didn't know. I don't want to just feed people lines to give back to me.

This time, I told him that when he does that, it makes me feel like he's ignoring me and doesn't care, and that sometimes I just want him to talk to me. I don't talk to him because I expect him to have the answers, or because I want him to fix me. I don't just want him to give me reasons I'm a good person or compliment me. I just... want someone I can talk to.

Finally figuring out how to say that really helped, I think. I calmed down a lot and we talked for awhile, and I felt better. Well, I feel better.

For the first time in a few days, I think I feel okay.


He surprised me by calling me by my middle name... I didn't think he remembered. I wonder if he recalled that I don't like my first name or if it was just him showing me he remembers some things.


Something else that was really nice tonight: I checked my Facebook and Casey replied to my message. It's a month and a half late, but I'm just really glad to be in contact with her.

This isn't really a :) feeling. More like a :') feeling.

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[Title thing]
Monday, July 23, 2012
I wander somewhere in or out of make believe
And dream about the world I'm leaving for you...

...Lady Aberlin's muumuu...

This is such a nice song. :P

ikima, I forgot to mention, Brick Oven is only on Kauai, and since I'm on Oahu, it's a bit far to revisit. X| Oh well. I have memories. They gave me and my brother balls of dough to play with while we waited for our food. It was much more fun than the typical crayons they usually hand out to kids at eating establishments, although I think they also gave us crayons... I can't have been older than seven or so at the time...

I have been starting to remember my dreams often again. There was a bit of one though which I'm having trouble figuring out in terms of whether it was a dream or reality. It wasn't anything significant, just confusing.

He hasn't said it in real life, I think, but he has certainly said things similar to it. Just that particular phrase, no. (I think)

It's a bit of a pain when it gets hard to tell dreams from reality. X|

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So, about Xanga
Friday, July 20, 2012
I guess Xanga has been having some technical issues, so I'm not sure if my pictures are showing up anywhere on my blog...

In addition to that, I was blocked from Xanga at home. Sent an email to them, they said they had some issues they were working through. -Shrug-

It might be time to find a different site to host my images...

Hawaii so far is... eh. Lots of hanging around my mom. :| I'm taking some pictures with a film camera, so I guess maybe I can scan some of them at some point in the future? Who knows.

I don't really have much else to say. Kind of bored and lonely. X|

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A variety of pictures I forgot to upload earlier
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Thursday, July 12, 2012
I am sentimental about my possessions, I suppose. My boyfriend could almost not be more opposite from me in that regard. He doesn't really like to keep anything.

Maybe we'll balance each other out? Both of our moms keep too much stuff, so hopefully we won't have to worry about loading up our living spaces with junk... Dunno. A lot of the time I just don't throw stuff out because I don't know how. Like, I don't want to just dump a brush I don't use into the trash. But do I give it away? Can you give brushes away? :S I guess it's more of an environmental concern than a sentimental one. I'm not particularly emotionally attached to old hairbrushes and stretched-out hairties.

I have some pictures here to show you.

My mom bought my dad a fruit tree that produces a bunch of different things... The peaches off it have been pretty good, but we ate all of them I think. Here's one.

(Apologies for the darkness...)

Here are some of the plums growing on the tree right now.

And some seeds for my budgies.

My mom has been babysitting these two boys for a few months. One of them is 3 and the other is 6. Usually just the 3 year old is at our house, since the 6 year old has soccer camp. I have some trouble entertaining him because he's pretty shy and quiet around me, but we did go outside to put peanuts out for the squirrels the other day.

They're both really into Angry Birds, so when I don't know what else to do I let them play it on my boyfriend's tablet...

(He basically calls it my tablet now, since he just left it at my house and hasn't taken it back, and apparently does not plan to take it back? X|)

My boyfriend and I are going on nine months now. :0 It's pretty crazy to think about. Things are really quite different when you're dating someone who lives close to you... I guess we're not tired of each other though, and actually I think he's amped up the affection a bit lately? Instead of just saying "I love you," now he says "I love you SO MUCH." He also sends texts like

"I think you're the most amazing thing on the planet and I love you."


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All I remember
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I went down into the lab and saw long rows of tanks with a swampy green liquid inside. They were lit from behind with a dingy radioactive yellow light.

As I walked past them I realized that the clones I had seen earlier were not the real culprits, and they were actually the product of some terrible experiment by the scientists in the room. Each tank had a clone at a different stage of development, from the tiniest embryo to full grown adult.

I stepped closer to one of the tanks and was disturbed to see what appeared to be the original man the clones were made from, floating inside the liquid. He was old, very old, and seemed decayed around the edges from having been there so long. He looked a bit like a preserved animal in a jar, in fact.

In the brief moment I looked at him, he moved his hand toward me weakly and whimpered, "help me..." Horrified and taken aback, I walked away, trying to figure out how I would leave that terrible place. As I left the lab, I said loudly, "what a horrible thing! I would NEVER touch something like that!" to mislead the others there...

When I got back to my room I thought about what I wanted to take with me when I left, and decided I didn't need much. My digital possessions seemed important for some reason though, so I was trying to decide if I had time to transfer all my saved gifs and jpgs and text files.


I was at the top of a manmade cliff, a straight angled concrete structure overlooking a pool with reefs in it in my backyard. There was a Hispanic man paddling around the pool on a raft, and though it seemed I was hundreds of feet above him, when he stood at the base of the cliff on his raft, he could nearly reach the spot I was standing with his hand. The water couldn't have been more than four feet deep, but he called to his friends next to me, and one of them cannonballed down.

I was shocked, and thought he would surely hurt himself, but he swam away just fine.


He was touched by what had just happened, clearly.

"I want to make you part of my family," he told me-- or the girl who was me, perhaps, since I wasn't really part of the story as myself, but rather a consciousness attached to her.

It was much too serious, and I/she/we didn't feel that way. She/we backed away, uncomfortable, kind of worried. He repeated himself. "I've realized now, I want to make you a part of my family."

She/we tried to assure him that he was mistaken, that he didn't mean it like that, but he was dead set on it.

She was walking away from him when I woke up.

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Maybe PMS or something
Thursday, June 28, 2012
My mood is not great. Mood swings, I guess, but it feels more like "mood running around haphazardly and banging into walls."

Here is a picture of some food I made awhile ago but neglected to post a picture of until now.

It is quinoa + kidney beans + feta cheese + tapenade + cucumbers.

I didn't really have an appetite today, but I ate anyway because I was starting to get dizzy and physically I was hungry. The thought of food was making me feel tired, though.

Lately my mind's felt empty, tired, repetitive. I wish I could do another one of these, but I just don't have the overflow of thoughts anymore.

But maybe that means all that purging worked, I don't know.

I think about a lot of things in terms of having limited quantities.

It's not really rational in any way.

But I just think, "maybe I have a limited supply of thoughts, and I'm running out now," things like that.

It is probably just depression. That's usually what it is.

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Slow days
Friday, June 22, 2012
Wow, I thought people were just ignoring my entries, but it turns out that only one person has even been on my blog in the past four days. :S

We gotta get some new people here, dudes.

Also, yesterday I had a dream that I accidentally killed my boyfriend with a pickax and I was very upset. It wouldn't stop bothering me all day...

I'm so close to being done with school, gah. Just finals and then I'm out... I definitely fear for my grades this quarter, though. I think I've got a pretty solid chance of an A in four out of my five classes, but Sociology has got me worried.

I just stubbed my toe and I've been biting my lip and going "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF" for a few seconds.

Where is everybody these days on Nutang? D:

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