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very, very, very small progress
Sunday. 3.6.11 1:13 am
I want to lose all 25+ pounds now dammit! I don't want to only lose 2 pounds/week. It's ridiculous that I can't lose more than that without relying on drastic measures. Like completely dropping the consumption of food altogether. Something I told myself I'd never do again.

I've been using the Ab Wheel that Jacob got me. I can tell it's working because my abs are slightly sore the next morning. I do about 15 reps one day, then about 10 the next and back to 15 the day after. So on and so forth. Hopefully it'll help in the sculpting. Least that's what it's supposed to do.

Anywho, I was driving to work this morning watching the car in front of me kind of sway back and forth from one side of the lane to the other. A few times they almost went into the adjoining lane, but never quite crossed over the line. I eventually moved around this person, but it got me thinking ... a person who drives like that probably never learned how to color in between the lines. It was an amusing thought.

I'm sick of work already. I've only been there for a little over 3 months. It's not a bad job, nor is it even as close as annoying as the last one, but I'm still sick of it. The monotony. Even when there's a code or I'm busy taking calls left and right, it's still all the same. Patrol here, walk there, unlock this, lock that. Monotony. Unfortunately I have a feeling I'd feel the same way about any job I have. Eventually it all becomes a routine. Too bad I can't just make a million or so on a stupid invention.

Or win the lotto. That'd be cool too.

Alright, I wanted to update on my dieting. And rant about a couple things.

Until next time NuTang . . .

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cheat day
Tuesday. 3.1.11 1:45 am
I was told by someone who is dieting, has been dieting, that a cheat day once a week is necessary in order to keep yourself sane while eating the same foods every single day.

Today was my cheat day.

I don't think I went too far over 2000 calories. I feel like lowering my calorie count isn't enough, though. I walk a lot at work. I even try to take the stairs most of the time too. I still feel like that's not enough.

I want to stop eating. It's worked in the past. Why would now be any different?

I need my insurance to come in so that I can see a doctor. When I was 13, which is the last time I saw a doc besides a gyno, I was told that I might have an enlarged thyroid. Which is what's probably affecting my lack of ability to lose weight. I'm not blaming it solely on that, but it's definitely a cause. I want to see a doctor now so that they can tell me if that is actually what's going on and to see if there's anything can be done.

I'll be going back on the lower calorie count diet tomorrow. One 200 calorie shake, one 200 calorie meal bar, 3 100 calorie snack bars and a 500 calorie dinner. Yesterday was the 3rd day in the diet and it was actually easier than the first two days. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier as well.

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diet! ... it's harder than I thought
Saturday. 2.26.11 12:35 am
I'll get into my diet in a minute. First, I have something to add in relevance to my last post. Jacob ended up going bowling tonight instead of last night. The fact that I had 24 hour notice made me feel a little better. And also finding out that the bowling alley they chose to meet at is only maybe 20 minutes from here {rather than an hour, where Jacob's friend/my coworker lives} also made me feel better. However, it's a bunch of guys that I don't know and I have no idea how many of them there will be, nor how many of them will be bringing women. The idea that this whole, Jacob-goes-bowling-but-won't-ever-invite-me thing might happen all over again is making me paranoid.

Anywho, I started my diet today. It's going to be tougher than I thought. Not because it's not filling. I was feeling full each time I ate something. But over the last however long, I've gotten it in my head that I want food. Even when I'm not hungry. So the psychological part of this dieting thing is what's making it hard. I know I'll be able to get through it, but I've just got to get through the first week and I should be good.

I FINALLY got my AlliedBarton W2. So I was finally able to file my taxes. When I had entered just my Allied info ... I was going to be getting back close to $800. When I entered the other two jobs {Target and NW Protective} it knocked it down $200. I'm now only getting just under $600. Oh well. $578 is better than nothing. It's also better than the $471 I got back last year. Not exactly sure, though, how I made less money in 2010 overall than in 2009, yet somehow managed to be getting more money back ... but I'm not complaining.

Uhm, so yeah. I'm afraid Jacob is going to be going bowling without me more often than not, I've started my diet with hopes of seeing at least a little result by this time next week {and by little I mean, hopefully losing at least 5 pounds} and I was able to get my taxes done.

Until next time NuTang ...

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and so it begins again
Thursday. 2.24.11 3:53 pm
First off ... this is my first post from work. So I'll probably keep it short.

Jacob has found a friend and trust me, I'm more than happy about it. But I got a text from him saying he was going bowling after work with this guy. I know the guy; I work with him. But I never liked it when I got those texts because I knew that Jacob would be out all night.

I might have a little more to hope for with this, as opposed to the incidents in Vegas, because there is no 24 hour bowling alley here. If memory serves, it closes at 2am. But they'll probably be too drunk to drive home right away and will find something else to do until sober enough to drive.

My heart always skips a beat when I get the "I'm going out after work" text from him. I just can't help but think about all the times in the past that something has happened. 99% of the time it would be something that pisses me off.

I'm going to try my best tonight to remain a calm composure and remain open-minded about this, but it's not going to be easy. I wish that he would invite me, but I know this is something he needs: the guy time.

Ugh. I hate feeling this way. It's hard to let go of the things that have happened. If it had been an isolated incident or had only happened two or three times, then it would have been easier to forgive and forget. But it was starting to be an all the time thing.

So ... I just cross my fingers and hope nothing happens that mimics what's happened in the past.

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silly advertising
Monday. 2.21.11 8:38 pm
When I lived in Las Vegas, I loved seeing ads online and on TV advertising "win a trip to Las Vegas!" I would always laugh and be like "hell yeah! I would LOVE to win a trip to Las Vegas! Wouldn't that be so awesome!" The funnier part would be to go to Mc Carran International Airport {Las Vegas's airport} and show them my plane ticket to Las Vegas. Ah, fun stuff. The little things that amuse you.

I also think it's funny that depending on what you "like" on Facebook, what your relationship status is and where you live is what determines what ads are placed on the side. For example, I "like" sushi. Every once in a while an ad for a local sushi place pops up on the side bar. Or I'll get ads all the time advertising for bridal photo places or places to buy or rent a wedding dress and tuxedo. Coupons links for a trip for me and my best friends to have the best bachelorette party before tying the knot. All because it says I'm engaged.

Advertising can also be evil. It's usually the food ones that get me. If I see a commercial often enough for a certain type of food {ie: pizza} I'll usually end up buying pizza within a week. Or food places {ie: Taco Bell, McDonald's, IHOP, etc} it gets stuck in my head and I'll want to go there. But everyone is different. If my finace sees and ad for a new game often enough, he'll at least want to rent it and find out if it's worth buying.

Anywho, I only have 5 more days until I start my diet. I'm excited. See, I have this addiction to chocolate {I'm eating some now} that's really bad for me. But most of the Slim Fast stuff is chocolate flavored. I know I'll be fine. It'll be healthy for me and take care of the cravings. Sure, it'll be hard at first. I'll be eating far less than I'm used to now, but in the end, once I'm getting results, I'll be happy. Especially when my clothes fit me again.

K, I think that's it for now. Until next time NuTang. . .

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secret thoughts
Saturday. 2.19.11 2:20 am
Sometimes I still think about how crazy it is that I love driving as much as I do. Compared to 5 years ago when I was terrified and didn't want to have anything to do with driving a vehicle. No matter what size it was.

I really like the way I look when I dress up, but I'm still not comfortable enough with it to just go out and buy something. Besides, I really don't go anywhere that would require me to dress up. Hell, I barely went anywhere when I was living in a city that's full of dress-up places. I've been looking at shoes a lot lately. I want to buy a new pair of heels, preferably wedges or something that's not stiletto. Something that has support on the balls of the feet as well. Basically I want to find a high heel that doesn't put a lot of strain on front of my foot.

But here's a problem with that ... I don't have anything that would go with the shoes. I mean, sure, I could always find something, but then it goes back to the question as to where I'd wear it to.

Next payday {Friday 25th} I'm going to be starting a diet. The Slim Fast diet. I'll basically be starving myself, but getting all the nutrients required to stay healthy. See, according to the box, I'm supposed to substitute 2 meals a day with either a shake or a meal bar and then eat one, sensible, 500 calorie meal. As well as 3 healthy snacks throughout the day. Such as an apple or one of their 100 calorie snack bars {which is probably what I'll be doing.}

My goal? Lose the 20+ pounds I've gained so that I can go back down to my 130, 135 pound frame. I want my jeans to fit me again. Comfortably. I can still get them on, but they're extremely tight. Even the strap on my bra is squeezing a little more than it should be. It's not fun. And I refuse to buy bigger clothes. I'd rather really starve myself than give in and buy bigger clothing. No way am I giving in to that.

Here's another secret thought. I wish I could starve myself again. I wish that I were able to go 3 weeks without eating. I've also thought about puking up a meal or two here and there. I won't do it, though. It's just a thought that crosses my mind.

Anywho, that's pretty much it. I want to buy dressy outfits, nice shoes and I am dieting so that my clothes will fit again. The dieting isn't a secret, just the dress thing, but I wanted to write about the diet as well.

Okay, I'm gonna go read some of my new book.

Till next time NuTang ...

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