I went for a vocal coaching preview yesterday.

This is the first time I ever heard a coach emphasizing I should really learn singing because my middle part as in the mouth area (that's what I understood from her explanation) is strong enough to sing all types of songs. It would be a waste not to utilise my voice which is a music instrument anyways.

Maybe perhaps that is why I always have the calling to singing. There are some songs type that I wanna sing or even produce.

So if I wanna sing, this means I really can and all I need is to practise, and finding the right teacher.

My voice type can also be said sensual for people sees some sexual appealing value in it?? I would make a good politician too for people will be attracted to me and I can get things done. Bwahaha. Guys and even girls would fall under my spell. Bwahaha. Thank god I'm beautiful too. Bwahaha.

Anyways, I am really considering of her course and what is hindering me to taking up is her pricing. Very expensive to me. It's equivalent to half of my salary but she is confident that her course can make anyone sings (if the student practises) after 8 lessons. She gave some singing lesson in the preview. She zoomed into the difficult parts and she taught me how to sing. Her techniques are pretty easy actually. I managed to get some parts right after first few try and of course I need to practice them. She let me sing simple yet songs that have challenging parts. I could see progress in an hour. I can imagine what would the result be if I were to take up her course.

Again. Back to my previous post. What do I really want in life? Do I want to continue acting? I really don't know. We all can do everything and it's just need practices. Like today, the director seemed to like my acting despite being a little stiff (and I almost strangle myself again for not applying the rules that I have for myself before entering the casting room) but I can somehow make the cut for the video.This means I can do it. I have the stuff to execute the job but do I really want it?

I think I really need to go meditate and sit on this question. I have been postponing this for almost a year already.

What's really stopping me, really? My job sucks though good pay but what's the point? I am a living zombie in office who always nap intermittent with work. See how uninspiring my job is.

I must really do something to my life. But singing is definitely on my list. Who knows I can be a singer! Bwahaha.

Dare to dream!

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Or rather weird people.

I have two friends who advised me, strongly, not to waste time on attending auditions. We will always not be chosen, that was the rationale. At the end of 2016, I felt the same way too. I really got burnt out. I attended many. Made a fool of myself and do crazy things with a thick skin. And I felt some of casting director was not even serious of picking the talents as though the clients already have someone in mind. Those casting directors were just casting for the sake of casting. But I kept going.

Also because agents have requested me to attend some, thus I go to give face. Who knows I was shortlisted? I have been short-listed but once they found my employer, they didn't know consider me due to conflict of interest. I moved on.

Only beginning of this year that my faith in attending casting was restored. I attended a funny casting and I was shortlisted. Though I was extremely disappointed to find out that I was not found in any scene in the advertisement but I was grateful that I was shortlisted. If I didn't attend, would I be even shortlisted? That's what I thought. If I didn't attend a casting in February, would I even be asked to act as an aunt in a documentary? It was because I attended the casting that the directors know of my existence.

I was very ... sad... when my friends discouraged me not to attend the castings. The first thing I asked was have you ever been the main or featured talent before. Yes was their reply. No wonder! I never had the chance, yet. Of course I will keep going until I get what I aim. Don't we?

I was given a small role in an advertisement. I was neither main or featured but there is a high possibility that I could be seen in the ad. Not bad right? That's because I attended the casting on the last day even though I was very exhausted.

Many of my friends said I should get priorities right. I agree. I told one of the 2 friends that I can't follow him to the temple for blessing because I have shooting on the date we were supposed to go. He immediately responded that I should get my priorities right. Right. It's a somewhat featured job and I should decline just to follow you? Hello. That could be an opportunity for me to get more jobs. Sacrifice just for you? I don't like the words he said to me. It's like you tell your mother that she is so ugly and she does not deserve to have a better husband.

Another friend of mine said they could be jealous of me. I am younger and prettier than them. Hence I have more chances than them. I don't really care about that. Nobody can take away your opportunities. It's given and it's up to use to accept it. Things happen for us at the right time and right place.

I still have not figured out if I keep wanting to try out acting. The money is not that great for small flies unless I get featured or main roles than the pay will be in thousands. Most of the time the pay is less than USD25 for 12 hours of standby. Seriously. We have no union and sometimes I wonder why the hell we are working as extras. My tarot reading service fetches me USD25 for one hour online.

Oh well, I am grateful for the experience. All I am currently doing is to let go of the need to control my destiny. I will do what I am given.

Good luck renaye.

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I suddenly have a fear what if my employer that gives me the most freelance work or rather money no longer calls me? Mum told me recently she was asked by that employer to replace someone. Suddenly it just strike me that they already have assignments but they didn't give me any. Nor my mother or my sister.

I am not surprised if they don't call me anymore since they have so many countless new freelancers. Or my cover got blown? These new freelancers spotted me in other similar line of employers but just I was playing a different role. And these new freelancers had a funny expression when they saw me. Seriously? You all worked at many other places too. Don't have to give me that weird look. Besides, we are all in the same job for the money right? Don't tell me you told others about me? If yes, you are just gossiper.

But still. Why am I having this fear suddenly?

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Well I had something spicy happened last week during work.

I was being an extra in a Singaporean movie. Most probably you can see my body but not my head but that's life as extra.

Anyways, I was a waitress. There were 8 of us actually; 3 guys and 5 girls. We were asked to sit in a row for easy calling by the production crew. Sitting on my left was a young nerdy looking guy while on my right was a guy whose girlfriend was sitting on his right. The guy on the left must have heard my conversation with my right because he started talking to me in English. Ya, I mentioned I can't speak Chinese well to my right.

Ok. Let's cut the chase. Let's jump into the exciting bits which what makes me excited to type this post. Haha.

I accidentally rubbed the nerdy guy's thigh.

Yup. Read that sentence again if you think you misread.

And I apologise profusely. I tried to clear the misunderstanding that I was not harassing him sexually nor molesting him. Even if he did think that, I was a very smooth operator.

Seriously, it happened in a lightning.

We, extras, were bored in the holding room. Damn cold. The main stars had their section condoned in front of where I was sitting but there was a gap as entrance facing me 45 degrees to my right. Being restless, I observed a star who happened to be sitting among some people I have not seen in her section. As she was interacting, I saw her holding a fluff as white as snow closed to her chest. My eyes could not register at the beginning at that beady dot on the fluff. Later I could trace the ears. Damn! A Pekingnese! I was so excited to see a dog in that room that I wanted the nerdy guy to look at my same direction that I accidentally 'rubbed' his thigh while saying 'OMG OMG OMG.'

OMG. What has renaye done?!

Oh well, the next few hours, I don't know what ruminated behind his nerdy look, he actually leaned into me when I was sharing my Japanese trip adventure in 2016. But being an experienced victim, I moved my sitting so he won't be able to lean. Haha.

Nice smooth, little bro. Then after a few hours, I got his number and found out his girlfriend pic as his whatsapp profile pic. And he said "Oh, my girlfriend is coming tomorrow as an extra." What?! And you tried hitting on me? I mean seriously. Earlier on he was asking me the usual questions like how are you? you have any bf? bla. He dropped when I said I am 12 yrs older than you. And so sweet of him, he offered his shoulder as my pillow.

Many guys also had their jaws dropped when I mentioned my age the following day
for the same movie. My friend said that should be my secret but it was tiring to see all these little bro trying to hit a big sister. I don't have an ambition to be a cougar.

I was so cool in my uniform like a casino manager but just serving drinks. Haha.

Oh luckily that nerdy guy has good look. So I don't mind the brief flirt. HAHA.

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I am watching Futurama from the beginning. I never had the chance to do so. I only saw bits here and there.

I like their sarcasm especially from Bender.

I can't wait to see the beautiful ending.

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It's already July.

Many motivators or some people will harp that it's already mid-year and what you have achieved. Some people will be pressured and will be afraid to look at their resolution or things-to-do list for 2017 and then crumble from within from embarrassment. Perhaps, the root that causes the person to say 'Fuck resolutions!'.

Whatever.

If you feel that you have not done anything so far, I would like to reimposed that the fact you are alive now is the biggest achievement you can achieve to date. Look back at those small things you have done: able to go to eat your favourite food, to sleep, to watch movies, etc. These small things should be the ones that building up your bigger resolution.

I have a few resolutions but I didn't achieve them because as I survive my 2017, my interest, decision and even path changes.

I was in a mild panic attack after my mum said we look down upon her because she is just a housewife and also after listening to Trudeau's grad talk about small things... I realised I was not acknowledging those small achievements. We always see the big picture and neglect the small ones. It's time for us to acknowledge the small actions because they matter too.

If my mother didn't sacrifice her time for the children then I won't have time to do my stuff and so on.

In words simply, everyone needs to start off somewhere. We always see those achievers having something but we never know their backstory. There are so many backstories now but we often forget that everything starts with the first step.

I too. I didn't do anything great if I were to compare mine with my friends whom have stuff being published in the media and always sort after. But when I looked at the things I have done, they are not too bad too because I took the first step.

To date:

1. I have appeared in a documentary:



Ok la. It's my first time. Be kind!

2. I was an extra in the Crazy Rich Asian movie.

3. I have appeared in an insurance ad which don't know when it was released. But can totally see my face!

Not bad, right?

So celebrate your achievements today!

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