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Another letter I'll never send.
Sunday. 5.17.09 12:05 pm
Dad, I won't even put a "Dear dad," or "Dear daddy," not even a "Dear father figure." Perhaps I'm selfish for thinking this way, if I am, so be it. But honestly, I feel like you don't want to see me anymore. You never make an effort to call me and tell me you love me. You never want me to come stay over at your house for the weekend. It's just on the schedule.

Mom: "She's supposed to stay at your house this weekend, right?"
Dad: "Oh is this the weekend? I have to work all weekend."
Mom: "Well, I have plans, and you need to take responsibility for her."
Dad: "You're right you're right."

Dad will never disagree with my mom. My mom is ALWAYS right, somehow. I actually argue with her if she's trying to influence a decision against where I stay. That's WHY I ask my dad first if I can have his permission to stay at his house. As long as I have his permission, I honestly don't give a shit about what my mom has to say.

My mom is mentally breaking down because of things going on in her life, and I've become the care-taker. I don't mind this because she's been my care-taker for more situations than she should be, but on the other hand, I'm also a teenager. Perhaps it will prepare me for the future, but it's hard trying to maintain "OK" grades and have a bunch of extra pressure dumped on me. I want to be there for you, but I can't take constantly being yelled at.

But, seriously dad, do you not WANT me to stay with you? I see you a max of 4 days out of 30-31 day months. I know you have to work and mom doesn't anymore. You can't say no to either of us when we talk to you alone, but when it comes down to the three of us speaking together, you will always take back what you say to me and side with my mom.

You don't want me.
I don't think you've ever wanted me.
And, as I've said before, if it were me or your girlfriend hanging from a cliff and you had to save one of us, it'd be me plummeting down.

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Sunday. 5.10.09 10:37 pm
Okay. So.
My determination needs to kick in. NOW.
I am on a mission.
First targeted weight loss: 5 lbs.
Second targeted weight loss: 10 lbs.
Final mission: keep determination and working out to stay at this weight.

I think I can I think I can I think I can...
I know I can.

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Tuesday. 5.5.09 8:03 pm
The decimal number is kind of freaking me out, not going to lie.

When parents get a divorce, usually the parents tell you "Please don't ever feel like you have to choose one of us over the other, it will not hurt our feelings." Well, that's completely a lie.

See, I see my dad twice a month for only 3 days at a time. That's 6 out of 30 days each month. I've seen him even LESS lately because the golf course he works at just got done with a tournament, plus my mom has been extra mopey and needy because of her and her ex-boyfriends' final breakup.
I asked my dad if I could stay at his house next week, and he said it'd be totally fine.
I bring up the subject with my mom, and she uses the "you need to stay on a regular schedule for school" excuse. Like I don't have a choice.
I sound so selfish, but never again will I let my mother boss me around when it comes to my living arrangements. I shouldn't be afraid of her not letting me leave; she should be afraid of me leaving.
This actually isn't completely an excuse to get a break from her. I actually miss my dad, and I actually want to go out and do something with him. Problem is, my dad and I are so similar when it comes around to actually following through with plans; we always end up chilling at the house. I miss him.

No, mother.
Just. No.

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I never mind some retaliation.
Sunday. 4.12.09 10:45 am
If you're sticking up for something you believe in, of course it's fine to retaliate when debating with someone with different views than you.
But when you get to the point where you are trying to shove your opinions and beliefs down others' throats without any open-mindedness, that's where a line is drawn and people begin to step back.

I believe what I believe. It may not be right, but that doesn't prove it's wrong, either.

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Thursday. 4.9.09 9:45 pm
I refuse to let anger from nothing take me over again.
It was just an off day.

Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow will be better.

It will.

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I feel so positive!
Tuesday. 4.7.09 9:16 pm
Today I was talking to one of my friends.
I was telling her how I thought one of my old friends still has a resentment/hatred towards me because I tried to tell her that her boyfriend was trying to cheat on her (which he was) and it backfired in my face.

Me: "I just saw her. She seemed nice to my face, but I think she still hates me."
Friend: "Well, do you hate her?"
Me: "No. I don't."
Friend: "Well then you win!"

It makes complete sense to me.

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