I like 24. I haven't seen all the episodes, but it's pretty easy to get into it even if I start watching in the middle of an episode. I know the gist of what happened each season. Why am I so excited for this particular day, though?? Return of Elisha Cuthbert? Re-emergence of C. Thomas Howell
??? Kiefer-love reaching uncharted territory????
As for the first half of the "premiere event":
Oh. No. They. Didn't.
Top Thirty Jack Bauer Facts
. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. *dies of laughter*
. Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
. Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...you don't wanna know...
. Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
. If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked.
. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
. Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
. While being â€˜put underâ€™ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
. David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
. If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.
. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
. Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
. As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
. Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
. Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
. Jack Bauer hates casual conversation. He prefers bullets.
. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
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Gawker.com's 123 to Love New York Right Now
. Because we scorn the fat.
. Because we can drink until 4 AM.
. Because we have our drugs delivered to our doors.
. Because all we have to do is walk down the street in order to be propositioned for sex.
. Because we get to push tourists if were late for work.
. Because we only pretend to recycle.
. Because Tompkins Square park is still friendly to junkies.
. Because whether you make $50k or $200k, youre still middle class.
. Because fuck is intrinsic to our local dialect.
. Because there's a Starbucks on every block.
. Because you can get anything you want on Craigslist.
. Because Anderson Cooper.
. Because our restaurants are so cramped, we can hear if our neighbor is being an asshole.
. Because you can live in the same place for 10 years and never have to see or meet your neighbors.
. Because a pink paper like the New York Observer can survive.
. Because assistants.
. Because everyone's Gay.
. Because we can make someone like Blackface Jesus into a celebrity.
. Because sometimes it smells like maple syrup.
. Because theres always a secret room behind the VIP room.
. Because we can get fake TiVo for $9.95/mo.
. Because our tabloids are considered newspapers.
. Because the transit strike keeps us from really working.
. Because Jocelyn Wildenstein exists.
. Because you can go to the East Village Baths and not get raped.
. Because David Cross imposters live here.
. Because Brooklyn is for domesticating.
. Because i-bankers and hipsters can peacefully coexist.
. Because theres always a free drink available somewhere.
. Because we know Sex and the City is a crock of shit.
. Because we know Friends is a crock of shit.
. Because it only takes $30 million to launch and burn a magazine.
. Because we think Vitamin Water is a real beverage.
. Because we never have to shovel snow (unless its coke).
. Because we all know were actually better than Tinsley Mortimer.
. Because road trip just means Ikea.
. Because even Lenny Kravitz's toilet gets clogged.
. Because smoking is banned.
. Because we only have one mall, and its not any good anyhow.
. Because people read.
. Because we invented PNP.
. Because words like Otto Tootsie Plohound make sense to us.
. Because we eat McDonalds ironically.
. Because ANYONE can lie to Page Six.
. Because Jews.
. Because you can take a dump at the Apple Store.
. Because you can buy anything, even a stolen baby.
. Because mani/pedis are affordable.
. Because George Whipple.
. Because our public opinion can turn on a dime.
. Because real estate is a professional sport.
. Because only black is the new black.
. Because its acceptable to Shoot the Freak.
. Because our pigeons have rabies.
. Because Conde Nasties dont threaten our food supply.
. Because anyone can get into Soho House and see that its nothing.
. Because everyones got a blog.
. Because Paris Hilton moved to Los Angeles.
. Because Bloomberg has that adorable bald spot.
. Because its easy to stalk famous people.
. Because everyone you know has slept with one another.
. Because Woody Allen is allowed.
. Because Fresh Direct has every single products nutritional info on its website.
. Because Peter Braunstein stabbed himself in the neck.
. Because we have a looser definition of substance abuse.
. Because everyone has a cat or a book deal.
. Because you only need a Village Voice to get a chick with a dick.
. Because anybody can be a DJ.
. Because even if you can only play Wish You Were Here on the guitar, you can make a few bucks at a subway station.
. Because Robin Byrd.
. Because everybody knows the 1-800-Mattress song.
. Because sometimes its just fun to give tourists wrong directions.
. Because you can buy live jellyfish from a wooden box in Chinatown.
. Because your parents love to come visit and pay for dinner.
. Because your parents don't love to come visit.
. Because you can walk down the street and fart and nobody will notice.
. Because if you want a cat, you can walk into any deli and just steal one.
. Because you can do your Sunday morning walk of shame undetected.
. Because Teen Vogue is only $1.99.
. Because fifth-floor walk-up apartments are great for the glutes.
. Because nobody uses condoms anymore.
. Because Dr. Zizmor is a celebrity.
. Because you can drop a penny in an empty water jug and make some dude's day.
. Because everyone looks like shit in the morning.
. Because there's such a thing as $300 sushi.
. Because you can be a gay man and reasonably keep both a wife and a boyfriend.
. Because bagels.
. Because there's just enough Brits around to keep us speaking proper English.
. Because we worship high fashion in collapsible tents.
. Because vegetarians keep to themselves.
. Because our knock-offs are often better than the real thing.
. Because theres always someone naked in Times Square.
. Because the New York Press is still trying.
. Because your cab driver is probably more interesting than you are.
. Because you can get mustard on everything.
. Because its perfectly fine to answer your phone mid-sentence.
. Because H&M: Our Gap is Eurotrash on purpose.
. Because we dont stand in line, we stand on it.
. Because we tolerate the New York Sun.
. Because gift bags.
. Because you can ride the Staten Island ferry all day at only the cost of your stomach.
. Because summer really does make sense as a verb.
. Because we know what new bar smell is, but not new car smell.
. Because 666-6666 has nothing to do with Satan. Technically.
. Because even your intern has an intern.
. Because only old people have land lines.
. Because parts of Central Park still smell like a poopy country farmyard.
. Because you can make a career out of being Amanda Lepore.
. Because everyone drinks at brunch.
. Because our tap water won't kill you.
. Because it's easy to steal wi-fi.
. Because as much as you hate it, Rockefeller Center is still kind of neat.
. Because city kids have been there and done that before you even got here.
. Because everyone's painfully human, even the staff of the New York Times.
. Because used clothes cost more than new ones.
. Because we'd rather be emaciated than healthy.
. Because in one morning, you can look like a jackass in the background of four different morning shows.
. Because its perfectly acceptable to give the finger to anyone at any time.
. Because the smell is concentrated in Chinatown.
. Because doing your own laundry is for rich suckers.
. Because you can buy Vagisil at the bodega at 4 AM.
. Because we keep Jersey at arms length.
. Because we gave silly Adam Moss a job.
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