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Barren Illusion
"If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal- that is your success. All nature is your congratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the facts most astounding and most real are never communicated by man to man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched." - Henry David Thoreau
FEED MEH!
Kongregate logo
You are winna, ha-ha-ha
miércoles, 25 de enero, 2006


Dear Lily Lee:

Recently, you completed an online survey for Allure.

You may recall that we promised to award fifty respondents who completed the survey with a special prize.

We're pleased to let you know that you are the winner of a cosmetic bag valued at $15!

*Please allow up to 12 weeks for fulfillment from Allure.

Rick McIntosh
Mediamark Interactive
On behalf of Allure


I don't remember the last time I won anything. Oh wait, I remember: last year in MACY*S while I was on line to get the autographs of the Veronica Mars cast, they were giving away America's Next Top Model DVDs if you answered a Veronica Mars/pop culture question correctly, and I named all the members of the Backstreet Boys into a microphone and the whole floor heard me and I "won." TEAM CYCLE ONE, BITCHES!
19:40

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S'all right? S'all right!
jueves, 19 de enero, 2006
I MADE MY OWN BUTTER!

Too bad I still have a giant stick of unsalted Danish butter and four sticks of King Kullen butter. (Why the hell do I have so much butter? It's not like I use it daily in my food or on my skin.) BUT I MADE MY OWN BUTTER!


(That's me!)

18:38

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Is Jack Bauer the new Chuck Norris?
lunes, 16 de enero, 2006
I like 24. I haven't seen all the episodes, but it's pretty easy to get into it even if I start watching in the middle of an episode. I know the gist of what happened each season. Why am I so excited for this particular day, though?? Return of Elisha Cuthbert? Re-emergence of C. Thomas Howell??? Kiefer-love reaching uncharted territory????

As for the first half of the "premiere event":
HOLY SHIT
Oh. No. They. Didn't.

Top Thirty Jack Bauer Facts

1. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
2. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
3. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
4. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. *dies of laughter*
5. Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
6. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
7. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
8. Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...you don't wanna know...
9. Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
10. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
11. If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked.
12. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
13. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
14. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
15. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
16. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
17. Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
18. While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
19. David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
20. If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.
21. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
22. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
23. Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
24. As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
25. Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
26. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
27. Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
28. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
29. Jack Bauer hates casual conversation. He prefers bullets.
30. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
- source
01:03

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THEN I DEFY YOU, STARS!
domingo, 15 de enero, 2006
Entertainment Weekly has repeatedly over the years sent me renewal notices to "lock in" my guaranteed low renewal rates, which comes out to seventy-nine cents an issue for fifty-six issues. However, I am currently under their "plan" for forty issues at a time for $20, which comes out to fifty cents each. Does EW take me for a fool? Do they think I can't solve math equations? Why save 77.42857143% when I am currently saving 85.71428571% ?? Does Bea Arthur have to choke a bitch?
17:54

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123 Reasons Not to Read This
domingo, 8 de enero, 2005
Gawker.com's 123 to Love New York Right Now

001. Because we scorn the fat.
002. Because we can drink until 4 AM.
003. Because we have our drugs delivered to our doors.
004. Because all we have to do is walk down the street in order to be propositioned for sex.
005. Because we get to push tourists if were late for work.
006. Because we only pretend to recycle.
007. Because Tompkins Square park is still friendly to junkies.
008. Because whether you make $50k or $200k, youre still middle class.
009. Because fuck is intrinsic to our local dialect.
010. Because there's a Starbucks on every block.
011. Because you can get anything you want on Craigslist.
012. Because Anderson Cooper.
013. Because our restaurants are so cramped, we can hear if our neighbor is being an asshole.
014. Because you can live in the same place for 10 years and never have to see or meet your neighbors.
015. Because a pink paper like the New York Observer can survive.
016. Because assistants.
017. Because everyone's Gay.
018. Because we can make someone like Blackface Jesus into a celebrity.
019. Because sometimes it smells like maple syrup.
020. Because theres always a secret room behind the VIP room.
021. Because we can get fake TiVo for $9.95/mo.
022. Because our tabloids are considered newspapers.
023. Because the transit strike keeps us from really working.
024. Because Jocelyn Wildenstein exists.
025. Because you can go to the East Village Baths and not get raped.
026. Because David Cross imposters live here.
027. Because Brooklyn is for domesticating.
028. Because i-bankers and hipsters can peacefully coexist.
029. Because theres always a free drink available somewhere.
030. Because we know Sex and the City is a crock of shit.
031. Because we know Friends is a crock of shit.
032. Because it only takes $30 million to launch and burn a magazine.
033. Because we think Vitamin Water is a real beverage.
034. Because we never have to shovel snow (unless its coke).
035. Because we all know were actually better than Tinsley Mortimer.
036. Because road trip just means Ikea.
037. Because even Lenny Kravitz's toilet gets clogged.
038. Because smoking is banned.
039. Because we only have one mall, and its not any good anyhow.
040. Because people read.
041. Because we invented PNP.
042. Because words like Otto Tootsie Plohound make sense to us.
043. Because we eat McDonalds ironically.
044. Because ANYONE can lie to Page Six.
045. Because Jews.
046. Because you can take a dump at the Apple Store.
047. Because you can buy anything, even a stolen baby.
048. Because mani/pedis are affordable.
049. Because George Whipple.
050. Because our public opinion can turn on a dime.
051. Because real estate is a professional sport.
052. Because only black is the new black.
053. Because its acceptable to Shoot the Freak.
054. Because our pigeons have rabies.
055. Because Conde Nasties dont threaten our food supply.
056. Because anyone can get into Soho House and see that its nothing.
057. Because everyones got a blog.
058. Because Paris Hilton moved to Los Angeles.
059. Because Bloomberg has that adorable bald spot.
060. Because its easy to stalk famous people.
061. Because everyone you know has slept with one another.
062. Because Woody Allen is allowed.
063. Because Fresh Direct has every single products nutritional info on its website.
064. Because Peter Braunstein stabbed himself in the neck.
065. Because we have a looser definition of substance abuse.
066. Because everyone has a cat or a book deal.
067. Because you only need a Village Voice to get a chick with a dick.
068. Because anybody can be a DJ.
069. Because even if you can only play Wish You Were Here on the guitar, you can make a few bucks at a subway station.
070. Because Robin Byrd.
071. Because everybody knows the 1-800-Mattress song.
072. Because sometimes its just fun to give tourists wrong directions.
073. Because you can buy live jellyfish from a wooden box in Chinatown.
074. Because your parents love to come visit and pay for dinner.
075. Because your parents don't love to come visit.
076. Because you can walk down the street and fart and nobody will notice.
077. Because if you want a cat, you can walk into any deli and just steal one.
078. Because you can do your Sunday morning walk of shame undetected.
079. Because Teen Vogue is only $1.99.
080. Because fifth-floor walk-up apartments are great for the glutes.
081. Because nobody uses condoms anymore.
082. Because Dr. Zizmor is a celebrity.
083. Because you can drop a penny in an empty water jug and make some dude's day.
084. Because everyone looks like shit in the morning.
085. Because there's such a thing as $300 sushi.
086. Because you can be a gay man and reasonably keep both a wife and a boyfriend.
087. Because bagels.
088. Because there's just enough Brits around to keep us speaking proper English.
089. Because we worship high fashion in collapsible tents.
090. Because vegetarians keep to themselves.
091. Because our knock-offs are often better than the real thing.
092. Because theres always someone naked in Times Square.
093. Because the New York Press is still trying.
094. Because your cab driver is probably more interesting than you are.
095. Because you can get mustard on everything.
096. Because its perfectly fine to answer your phone mid-sentence.
097. Because H&M: Our Gap is Eurotrash on purpose.
98. Because we dont stand in line, we stand on it.
099. Because we tolerate the New York Sun.
100. Because gift bags.
101. Because you can ride the Staten Island ferry all day at only the cost of your stomach.
102. Because summer really does make sense as a verb.
103. Because we know what new bar smell is, but not new car smell.
104. Because 666-6666 has nothing to do with Satan. Technically.
105. Because even your intern has an intern.
106. Because only old people have land lines.
107. Because parts of Central Park still smell like a poopy country farmyard.
108. Because you can make a career out of being Amanda Lepore.
109. Because everyone drinks at brunch.
110. Because our tap water won't kill you.
111. Because it's easy to steal wi-fi.
112. Because as much as you hate it, Rockefeller Center is still kind of neat.
113. Because city kids have been there and done that before you even got here.
114. Because everyone's painfully human, even the staff of the New York Times.
115. Because used clothes cost more than new ones.
116. Because we'd rather be emaciated than healthy.
117. Because in one morning, you can look like a jackass in the background of four different morning shows.
118. Because its perfectly acceptable to give the finger to anyone at any time.
119. Because the smell is concentrated in Chinatown.
120. Because doing your own laundry is for rich suckers.
121. Because you can buy Vagisil at the bodega at 4 AM.
122. Because we keep Jersey at arms length.
123. Because we gave silly Adam Moss a job.
22:15

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There is no emoticon for what I am feeling!
viernes, 6 de enero, 2006
Autumn in Central Park

As you can see in the photo, the cracked concrete symbolizes the fissures of my heart.

Also, who knew the top hits for the search word "fissures" all relate to the anus? (I had always thought, scientifically, it only dealt with geology. Silly me!)

17:07

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Groan!
miércoles, 4 de enero, 2006
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There is nothing on and I'm semi-watching One Tree Hill. I had vowed to myself I would never watch it, but maybe I was being unfair? After all I had only seen seconds of it here and there. I thought, it might not make me want to rip my eyeballs out. So, I'm gonna kill myself now.
20:46

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SOLID AS A ROCK
lunes, 2 de enero, 2006

I hate the new year, because it means spring is coming soon. EW, SPRING!!

OMG, three consecutive days blogging here! A record! Winter holiday spoils me.

Naw, yo, Les, mah feed wazn't always dere. I was planning to set it up back in the summer, but I decided to hold it off until I finished my main page, which I'm still doing now, actually, so I suck. Anyway, I thought, when I was still putting finishing touches before Christmas, "Whatever, RSS feeds are awesome," so I put it up. I know it's broken, but it's not really something I can hack into and fix. I use Bloglines and it works there, so... I thought it would be no problem.
21:34

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