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Sunday. 5.14.06 8:56 am
exhausted, frustrated and grumpy
i have one simple request.... just one little thing... I want a 24 hour period where the only thing I am responsible for is me and my dog... that's not a lot to ask for... or is it??? I want nothing more than a day where i can slip quietly into a coma for 24 teeny tiny hours... but do i get it?? HELL NO!! Today, i get the dubious honor of hanging out at Mom's all afternoon... which wouldn't be so bad... except all she fucking does...is whine. If i wanted to hear whining... I'd start whining myself... cause i have plenty to whine about... but do i?? No... because whining makes me crazy.... Whining makes me want to duct tape someone's head. Why can't she just bitch and moan about shit?? Why must her voice rise three octaves every time she doesn't get her way??? ARGH!!!! *shoots self with tranquilizer dart*
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What a way to start your week....
Tuesday. 5.9.06 12:56 pm
twisted like a pretzel
Gary Allan- Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Well, it's only Tuesday and this week has already gone nuts on me. Yesterday wasn't too fun... i had to work from 830 to 1130... then i moved a BUNCH of my boyfriends stuff (he FINALLY got his stuff moved in!! YAY!!!) over to my house.. which would have been okay.. if i hadn't been on my feet al morning... I had no trouble going UP the stairs... but going down was... interesting... every time i took a step down.. i thought my knees were gonna buckle... which also wouldn't have been so bad.. but for the two tons of boxes i moved yesterday and unfortunately the rest of this week isn't looking any less busy... Wednesday.. i have to work in the morning.. then i have the kids in the evening... Thursday we have to rearrange furniture in the living room to get the rest of Bruce's furniture in... and Friday is the viewing and memorial for Nate... and those are just the MAJOR events... there's plenty more to do other than that.. it's CRAZY!!!!
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"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
The increased use of Viagra by seniors created a demand for a sexual lubricant to address the special needs of that group age.So the makers of K-Y Jellly developed Oil of Old Lay.
A couple visited a sex thereapist, who asked the wife,"What's your main complaint about your sex life?" She replied , " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation". The therapist asks the husband, "Is this true?"
He replied, "Well , not exactly...I don't suffer,she does.
A teen age girl returned home from school and asked her mother,"Is it true that Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" The mother replied,"Yes, dear." The daughter said, "But then when I have a baby,won't it knock out my teeth?" (must be a blonde) LOL
An Ant and a elephant had sex,the elephant had a heart attack and died."Crap" the ant said."Five minutes of passion and now the rest of my life digging a grave.
A Man came home to discover his wife screwing their neighbor.The husband yelled,"What the hell are you doing?" The wife turned to the neighbor and said,"See,I told you he was stupid."
Where do they post missing trans sexuals?
On half-and-half cartons.
A man complained to a friend ,"I had it all_a beautiful woman,money,a beautiful house,a big car---and now it's all gone." His friend asks,What happened?" The man said,""My wife found out,Now she has it all."
How is sex like music? For every person who pays for it,hundreds are getting it for free.
A third grade teacher asked one of her students to spell the word straight . The boy did so.Then the teacher asked the definition of the word. The boy replied,"Without Ice."
Two friends agreed to meet for drinks after work. One arrived late and said,"Sorry,but on my way here I sawthree punks slapping my old boss around." His friend asked,"Did you stop to help?" The guy said,"No, I figured the three of them could handle it."
And Drum roll please.....
A woman went before a judge to explain why she wanted to divorce her husband. She said, "I can't stand his hobosexuality." The judge replied, "I think you mean homosexuality." "No," she replied " I mean hobosexuality, He's a bum-fuck."
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love George!
The Internet Is Like A Penis
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it ...hard to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit ...information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some ...people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but ...most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it ...will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people ...take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. ...Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing ...with until it's too late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it ...too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think ...coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual ...size and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big ...trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your ...intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask ...yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
* Some folks have it, some don't.
* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. ...They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. ...They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think ...it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. ...Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some ...people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to ...do.
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Of course, if you take this page seriously anyway... you might be a redneck.
That ought to get you started. Now, on to the recipes...
Wild Possum Kabob
1 Still breathing, corn-fed Possum
3 Ripe but firm tomatoes
1 Large white or yellow onion
1/2 pound large mushrooms
2 large green peppers
1 package meat marinade
1/2 cup soy sauce
12 skewers (sticks are okay in Arkansas)
The possum must be alive so that you can scare it, giving you the "wild" taste from all the adrenaline it produces. It is best to hit it over the head with a large object in a humane manner. Boil the possum for 3 minutes to loosen the fur then skin and gut it.
De-limb (chop the little knubby legs off) the possum and cut the meat into 1/2 inch square chunks.
Marinate overnight in a mixture of meat marinade and soy sauce. Kentucky residents who have no fridge can use an ice chest and may use radiator coolant instead of soy sauce.
Thread the meat and veggies onto your skewer/stick in alternating sequences to distribute the delicious flavor evenly.
Cook over a barbecue, pit, 50 gallon drum or any other fire till you get the desired result. For added flavor, you can cook it over burning tires.
Carbs: Holly 4-barrel
Fat: If you eat this kind of crap, fat probably isn't your biggest concern.
Possum and Taters
1 young, fat possum
8 sweet potatoes
2 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon sugar
Directions: First, catch a possum. This in itself is excellent entertainment on a moonlight night. Skin the possum and remove the head and feet. Be sure to wash it thoroughly. Freeze overnight either outside or in a refrigerator.
When ready to cook, peel the potatoes and boil them tender in lightly salted water along with the butter and sugar. At the same time, stew the possum tender in a tightly covered pan with a little water. Arrange the taters around the possum, strip with bacon, sprinkle with thyme or marjoram, or pepper, and brown in the oven. Baste often with the drippings.
Possum Pot Pie
1 cup glazed huckleberries
3 shots gin or moonshine
---if roadkill: make jambalaya
---if caught: proceed with recipe
1 pie crust
sliced carrots & cabbage to taste
Cover a pan (or any implement you can put in a fire) with the bottom of your pie crust, and place the possum in it. Add the huckleberries and carrots, and shred the cabbage over it. Close up the pie and bake until the neighbors' dogs come sniffing around to see what the wonderful smell is, or until the fire department arrives (whichever comes first). Remove pie from fire/oven, slice, and enjoy.
1 slightly injured possum
1 cup mayonnaise
8 cups pig fat
2 cups buttermilk
2 fresh green peppers
Directions: Slice green peppers and mix ingredients in a large bowl(exclude possum). Cut possum into chunks or thin strips. Mix possum chunks into bowl. Transfer contents of bowl into a casserole dich and bake under 350 degrees for two hours. Remove from oven, let sit for half an hour, and serve. ENJOY!!
Australian Possum Ridgey Didge Possum Roll
5 tbs balsamic vinegar
2 cloves garlic
1 stalk celery
2 tbs cold pressed olive oil
1 clump italian parsley
1 tbs fresh rosemary
5 bay leaves
2 tbs Vegemite
1 damper (like a hot dog roll)
Note: As mentioned previously, there is a species of possum which is protected in Australia. They cannot be trapped, shot or hunted. If you run over an Australian possum, and it is still alive, call WIRES, which protects Australia's native fauna.
If it's dead, then this recipe may serve a purpose.
First, skin the possum, checking first for lice, myxomitosis, and living young in the pouch.Separate legs from breast. Discard head, neck, tail and claws. If you wish, hold the offal for thanksgiving stuffing. Then cut the possum into long sringy pieces.
Marinate overnight in vinegar, rosemary, bay leaf, clove, garlic & oil mixture.
Make the roll: split the damper, and spread vegemite on each side. Put aside.
Chop the carrot, turnip and tomato into small pieces, then cook with the rest of the ingredients, and stew in a pot, adding a chicken stock cube for seasoning. Dip the possum pieces in the pot, then barbecue for 20 minutes (or until cooked to personal taste).
To serve: like a hot dog, use the damper & vegemite roll to surround pieces of possum.
Serve with chips, salad and beer.
two cans of tomatoe sauce
three cans of cooked tomatoes
1/2 thickly sliced warthog meat(mainly for flavor)
a big bag of pasta noodles (any redneck kind will do)
salt and pepper
1/2 possum (other 1/2 can be used for breakfast possum-omlettes)
Fry bacon in big gramma kettle, over mid. size fire, then fry possum in the grease till golden brown. Take the meat out, then add enough water to pot to fill 2/3 way and then boil noodles. Once cooked add both things of tomatoes to kettle and meat and add enough salt and pepper to old granny's taste. Cook all together for a bout 1 hour simmering over low fire to sautee.
Bone Appa Teet.
Texan Possum Chili
1 large possum or 2 small (good and dead-really dead)
3 onions chopped
1 pound sausage
2 red peppers chopped
3 squirrels, cut into pieces
1 cup tea
1/4 can Copenhagen
Chop up everything (be sure to skin the 'dillo) set it on the fire (or stove, if ya wanna be fancy) let it boil until the dogs howl. Eat with regard to the bones and serve with cheese (not green) and more onions. This is actually a recipe my cousins taught me how to cook. It is actually edible.
Cajun Possum Chili
Tomatoe Sauce (depends on possum)
1 tsp.-1 cup Chili Powder (Depends on Taste and possum)
1 Large possum or 3 small (If you ran over the possums better make it 4)
1 large pot or two large ones if the first isn't enough.
5-10 chili peppers (depends on taste and possum)
5-10 red peppers (depends on taste and possum)
5-10 jalapeno peppers (depends on taste and possum)
How ever much Cayenne Pepper you like, it depends on your taste and possum.
1 tsp. Black Pepper
a pinch of salt
Chili Beans for extra flavor
And whatever other ingredients that are hot and spicy you would like to add.
1. Skin possum(s)
2. Remove internal organs, head, claws, and bones. There is no flavor or use for these. But if you want to add them, go ahead.
3. Put some tomatoe sauce in the pot(s). Then add the possum.
4. Chop peppers
5. Skip step four if you don't want chopped peppers; it doesn't matter.
6. Put the rest in and let set for a long dang while.
7. Before serving make sure you have enough bread, Milk, and Toliet paper for after dinner.
8. Serve. Enjoy
9. Race for bathroom. Whoever is first will make a large stench. Have enough air freshner.
Serving size of Meal-depends on how much you put in and the possum.
Warning-You're a redneck if you try this. (Either that or you like really hot chili.) May cause sudden urges to go to the bathroom. May cause burnt tongues and mouths. May cause severe indegestion.
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