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Jon?

The first fall
Saturday. 7.7.07 11:03 am
7 years of frustration then hit her ears with abrasion
As I laced her with my tale of lust, tears and anticipation
Her reaction was a face of fakeness;
Told me she was flattered, but within a tone lacking any amazement


8th grade.. That's when we met. Or, that's when I first saw you.. I doubt you ever noticed me much.â
I noticed you.


I had no idea that she knew who I was. I remember seeing her every now and then and taking solace in the fact that she defied the same stereotype that I did; our affinity for literature seemed juxtaposed to the tone of our skin. I caught a lot of shit ( <<< a legal term I picked up at the pre law institute.) in school from my football teammates because I always carried a book with me.

I'd read before and after practice
I read before and after games
I read before and after lifting weights.
I even read during band, between songs. Now that I think about it, it wasn't so much a stereotype of African Americans as it was a stereotype of teenagers in general. Anyway...


She asked me to go skating last month.

I declined. (I knew there were no skates big enough for my freakazoid size 15 feet)

And things were up in the air between us senior year. She liked me, and I knew, but when she wanted to take that leap between good friends who went out to being an actual couple, I backed away. Partially because I liked someone else (who turned out to be a bipolar girl who was cold one day, loving the next.) and partially because I was scared.
I didn't flat out reject her or nothing I just didn't say yes. She got the message and was indifferent toward me throughout the rest of our senior year.

I called her week or so after graduation to tell her that I wanted her in my life. I confessed, rather easily, that there were a handful of people that I wanted to keep in touch with from our class(Five.) and I did not want my apprehension to end us. That eased the tension between us a bit.. And we hung out a few times over the summer, and once when I came back home for Christmas. So, it's summer time, and she calls me up and asked if I wanted to go skating. Ice skating. Which wasn't really my thing..

Our first ( and only ) date was at Barnes and Nobles ; we sat on the floor and read books.
(Just call me Casanova.) So the ice skating thing.. I dunno. I got to thinking about her last week and said to myself, 'Self that isn't such a bad idea,' so I called her up and asked her to go skating when I get back.

She said yes. I told her I was a little scared, but she reassured me.

Once you fall the first time, it gets easier and easier because you're not scared anymore.
Kind of like love.
Yeah..

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Going to sleep in the library
Thursday. 7.5.07 12:29 pm


Anh kept me up til 2:30 AM(I wanted to stay up with her, though..)
Thus, I am too sleepy to finish the entry I was writing.

I got another c-- A KJRFAKN REKANRDAMNIT

I got one more class, then a stupid guest speaker, so I'll be trapped at school for another.. four hours :( Then I'm gonna' go grab some food, and tak ea nap. Hopefully when I wake up I can finish that entry.

IT WAS GOOD, TOO.
About Skating. And um.. yeah.

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Clouds
Monday. 7.2.07 5:02 pm
Without you I'm a sinner
Without you I'm a saint
Without you, I can't do it..
Without you I just can't

Face the truth---
The sun may come out tomorrow, but what of clouds?

Clouds are tweeners. Clouds can make a beautiful scene even more aesthetic or they can foreshadow a storm.
Are there people God places in our path to play the role of Cloud to our otherwise sunny day? People who can dichotomously supplement the beauty of a relationship I have with another via positive words, and still have the potential to don the Halle Berry / Zeus cape and toss down bolts of lightning like nobody's business? And if so, how can I identify who wants to be play the role of Storm rather than the Scarlet Witch(Anyone catch that allusion to the X-men? Any one of the three people who'll be reading this?)

I am the cloud.

When someone approaches you and tells you something that really does not concern you, they give you the choice of being a cloud. You can choose not to and recite the mantra of the 2nd grader( Shoo, fly, don't bother me.), or you can raise to the challenge ( You know how I do )and become the Cloud. But that's a lot of responsibility. Some people --a lot of people-- Come to me under the guise of seeking advice when all they really want is to verbalize whatever circumstance is afflicting them. Once upon a time conversations like these didn't bother me; however, as I matured, I changed.

Idle words are not my cup of tea: I prefer something more filling.

This is not to say that I'd turn away a friend who feels the need to talk just that I'd prefer a little quid pro quo, "yaknowwhutiamsayin"I fear that Where was I? Oh yeah.. Cloudy days.

God hates people in Washington. That is why it is always raining.

I do not want to be your cloud.
I do not want to be your anything.
I want out.



No, I don't
I want that's for another entry.

Zanzibar's head is going to explode. Six entries in ten days? Actually, ten entries, but I combined a few and deleted some others. Something must be terribly wrong with me..

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random thoughts
Sunday, July 1, 2007
You were always there to walk me home
With you not here: the streets I roam
I let go.

New York.
Michigan.
Virginia.

All lie to the east.

Nevada
Washington
California
Are to the West of me.

I've grown up in Texas--- and it shows. I toss out words like Y'all, ain't, and bout'. I do not pronounce gerunds the way Webster prescribes; There is no G after the I and the N. I end awkward silences with "How 'bout dem' Cowboys?" and I, like most Texans, when questioned about where I am from when I am overseas, I will not say " I am from America."

Rather, I'd go:
"I'm a Texan." with enough bravado to make Rambo incredulous.

I've been staying in my Uncle's house for almost a month now and every day I wake up I see a giant map of the United States. And it makes me wonder where I'll go to Law School, outside of Tejas..

California(UC Berkeley)
Michigan(Ann Arbor)
New York - Cornell, to follow in the footsteps of my arch nemesis, David Chai, creator of Nutang; NYU, to follow in the footsteps of Jack McCoy; Columbia, because tt just sounds cool
And Virginia. University of Virginia.

Virginia.

Virginia. My motives for Virginia... It'sareallygoodschoolandisaprettyplacetobeand...

And it has mooses. Everyone loves Mooses.

I hate Mooses.

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She gives me this look a lot
Sunday. 7.1.07 4:22 am

Anh: GOD STOP BADGERING ME


She yells out of love.

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When it rains
Thursday. 6.28.07 10:33 pm
And you.. you've changed
'cause I hardly ever see you
When it rains

"... and I think I'll go from A to B, A to B, in the same paragraph as opposed to..." Anthony.. somethingorother is about 21,m22 years old and looks like a model. The man has one of the most smoldering gazes I've ever endured --- so smoldering that atleast half of the women( and a good portion of the men) in the pre-law academy("Ranked among the top three law academies in the Nation," as Mr. Ariaga, who runs the academy would say) I'm enrolled in have a crush on him.

Over the course of the summer Anthony has come to me just about every day, seeking conversation or advice about the linguistics of written assignments. Dun get me wrong, I enjoy helping him and this isn't me complaining, but I just find it.. I'm not sure how I find it. Anthony is atleast three years my senior. Just about everyone in the institute is three, or more, years my senior and I think it may have been a fluke that I was accepted into it. I've made friends though, like the aforementioned Anthony and a Jordanian girl named Rowan. She's got an aspiration to change the world. I've also made many aquaintances over the past four, five weeks, and all and all it's been a good experience.. BUT!

The other day, when the conversation above took place, I saw Brittany.

Or, she looked like Brittany.

"She's in China," I tell myself before I ducked my head down behind the computer screen, just in case the girl who looked like Brittany thought I was staring at her. Then, I went back to listening to Anthony talk about how to organize his essay.

Note: she's really in Spain, but China sounds more foreign
Note x 2: This was the first time I thought about her in a long time. Stupid Anthony. Stupid eyes. Stupid China. ( kidding, love you, China! )
note x 3: Long, enourmous, super sized entry coming later if I finish these two essays..

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happy birthday
Thursday. 6.28.07 12:00 am

Do not think that because you're officially an adult that I'll stop looking out for you.

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i **** you.
Sunday. 6.24.07 11:44 pm
I am .. forget what I am.
I was gonna' paint a scenario; talk about how I'm in a library and seated in some cubicle, back to back with some woman. I haven't seen her face, but I can tell it's a woman by the way she sniffles.

But I'm not going to talk about that.

Instead.. I want to let YOU know that something has come over me

No, not love. Or hate. Or lust, fear, pain, anguish, joy, sadness, coyness, lucidity, insanity, hunger, a thirst for adventure..

Allergies have come over me. My eyes are puffy, my nose is stuffed, and my heart is..

Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
O... K...

Two letters.. Two words. Okay.
Im okay, is what she said.
She's okay.. was what he said.
Were okay, was what they said
"Who the fuck is they?" is the mantra she raised with Loren. I thought they were cazy.

I was crazy for being there.

THIS IS MY ENTRY ABOUT MY CALLING.
I think I have a calling.
Who knows if I have a calling?
We'll see if I have a calling.
Maybe
I have a calling; however, I will not accept the charges.

Bah. I’ll write a real entry. In a second.





This is m writing processi type what I think and
Press
Enter

Alo

T

Then I'll revise it so it will look like this

I press enter a lot.

Fraud.

Fraud? Fraud has such a negative connotation. We're not negatives. I'm not negative. Okay, I'm negative.

Look at the picture in the corner. Pretty damn negative.

I'm negative.

Then again, so are you.


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