It takes a second to fall in love
and a lifetime to know what love is

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All awash in roiling foam
Was the cave that made the mermaid's home
Lived starfish, urchins and otters there
and sea weed streamers for the mermaid's hair

By day a seal's company does the mermaid keep
By night she sleeps a dreamless sleep
The tide eases out like mermaid sighs
The endless waves are mirrored in the mermaid's vacant eyes

The waves are high and they bite and tear
Any sailor who ventures to the mermaid's lair
He slowly drowns, there is no air
Among the seaweed chains of the mermaid's hair

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It's 4 am. I've been out, wandering the campus, looking for my roommate. She's missing. she's been puking. allegedly she is with 'chad'. As I stole though the dark campus, the normally absent starry sky straining its way through the overwhelming glow of nearby LA, I thought about how stupid it was to be out at this hour of the night by myself. Especially since this is the end of substance-free opening and everyone on the cmc campus is drunk and ready for action. There was a loud party or two still going on as I walked, far away but I could still hear every lyric of the song they were playing. I could hear an owl in the nearby trees. It reminded my of home. I could get raped, I told myself, paranoid as usual. I remembered that terrible feeling of fear that shadowed me so often while I was abroad. Reasonable fear, considering where I was. I had forgotten it; downplayed it when I replayed it in my mind. I was wearing flip-flops. It would be hard to run away. I wondered if I got raped while I was out looking for her if that would make her stop drinking so much. I wondered if that would be worth it. It's a null comparison because I don't think it would make her stop. I'm worried about her.
I couldn't find her.

I ended my own night very early, I drank a little tiny bit of rum, only because she wanted me too. That was a stupid reason. It took the good mood that I had been cultivating by hanging out with ranor all night and turned it emo, distant, and sad. I snuck away from the party only moments after having arrived and went home to read my geology text. yeah, I know, it's saturday night, but is that really more sad than what the rest of my friends did? They all drank, Lauren said, and they all became sad. All of us have spent the past week reveling in our happiness to be back in this place; tonight revealed our carefully suppressed sorrows. I'm still worried about my fish. He's got that swim bladder disorder. I think I ruptured it when I dropped his nalgene on the sidewalk. I had it by the lid and the thing that keeps the lid attached slipped off. He's so frustrated. It's all my fault. The internet said with time he may heal, but I have to deny him food: pretty much his only joy in the course of a day. And then there is that boy. He wrote and said he was sorry that my computer was broken. He's only sorry because it is inconvenient to him. I wasn't online so he thought I'd blocked him. That's why he was sorry. He didn't say he was sorry about my fish being sick. I love my fish; my computer is just a machine. Who cares if my computer is broken? People who really know me know that my fish means much more to me than anything like that.

But he never really knew me.

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Well, my computer is broken. Time for exile in the library. Life is complicated now. It seems like the opposite of freshman year. Instead of everyone getting together, everyone is breaking up. I don't want to get together with anyone, because at the end of the year I'll just have to break it off anyway. Sure, that means I miss out on 9+ months of possible good relationship time just because of a far-off inevitability, but I'm busy. I have stuff to do. Fellowships, grad school, thesis. I'd have to spend a lot of time ignoring/avoiding him to get everything done. The relationship probably wouldn't be good enough to be worth it anyway.

Seems like everybody's breaking up
Does anybody ever stay in love?

---

I think there is this inevitable period that people must go through when they realize that not everyone thinks as they do. Not everyone out there has the same code of honor. Not everyone out there has the same definition of a lie.
It is a harsh awakening to realize that people in this world are not ever completely good or completely evil, and sometimes it's very hard to separate the two. What if you know your friend to be a good person, and you like him very much, but you also know that he does evil things to other people which seem to be completely incongruous with his character as you know it? Do you berate him for his actions? Seems too preachy. Who am I to judge. Leave the judging to God. Do you try and change him? Seems too manipulative, and at the end, probably fruitless. People can't be changed. Do you cease being friends with him? Seems as if in that case you are abandoning him, he who could have been bettered is now left only to those who have no principles and the more he is with them, the more like them he will become. Do you continue to be his friend, keeping in the back of your mind his evil deeds and knowing that no matter what good friends you are, you should never completely trust him with your soul?
Ah, but a friendship without trust.......

........what kind of friendship is that?

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If I were a dragon
I'd put my heart in a box
And put it away safely with my other priceless treasures

My fire and smoke would keep people away
And my scales would protect me if anyone got close

And deep in my cave I would be
Beautiful but Dangerous

for eternity Alone.

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School is finally over and it's time to start a life
To go and get a good job and start looking for a wife
You've got so many choices of places to move to
There are so many opportunities and things that you could do
So when you're looking for a city that fits you like a glove
If you want to find the perfect place to come and fall in love...

Pleeeease come to Denver
The sun shines here 300 days a year
And in the wintertime that pure white snow is always falling
Can't you hear those mountains, they are calling


Don't like the weather? Don't worry, it'll change
In summer you can tell the time from the afternoon rains
It's always beautiful out on the front range
Where the Rocky Mountains form a choir around the Queen City of the Plains...
They're singing

Pleeeease come to Denver
The sunshines here 300 days a year
And in the wintertime that pure white snow is falling
Can't you hear the mountains they are calling



there will be a last verse... I'll have to think of it later.

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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to

-anna nalick

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Today I moved gym equipment with this absolutely charming gentleman named Barry. He had some kind of British accent but sometimes you could hear a hint of something else in it (maybe New Zealand?). He was tall and distinguished looking, soft spoken, and he walked with a slight limp. We made a funny pair moving the 200lb+ pieces of gym equipment around the warehouse, but we got the job done. For a while we were aided by two guys who had been hired for several hours and sometimes Edwinn pitched in when he wasn't running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to load trucks full of Schmirnoff's. Tomorrow is a half day of work and my last day. All I have to say is that Ben had better get out of jail soon or that whole place is going down losing so many people in a row.

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