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it's been decided, I suck at math
Tuesday. 4.26.11 10:26 pm
I took the test today and I just did horribly on the math section. Out of a possible 99, I scored a 26 on the algebra part and only a 73 on the pre-algebra. I didn't even get the choice to go in to college algebra; which is where I left off when I graduated in '04.

I'm a bit bummed, but I suppose after the way I acted last night and not having studied more than just last night, I wasn't expecting much better. I got placed in to Math 84. Which is better than Math 81, but only by a smidge.

The reading and writing part I nearly aced. Out of a possible 99, I got a 93 in writing and a 92 in reading. I was placed in English 101 without having to take a separate reading class.

I knew I would do well on that section. Too bad I absolutely suck in math.

Today was not the best of days. I don't feel like getting in to it right now. I need to go to bed anyway. I have work in the morning. Perhaps tomorrow I'll write more about how my day went today.

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frying my brain: part 2
Tuesday. 4.26.11 3:42 am
So I'm working on the practice questions for the placement test that I will be taking much later on today {the office closed earlier than anticipated yesterday} and I'm seriously a horrible student.

Jacob was just trying to help me out and I kept getting more and more upset when I couldn't remember or understand what he was trying to tell me.

I felt that I should just know this stuff because I was so good at it before. Not taking in to account that I graduated high school 7 years ago and some of this stuff I haven't studied since my freshman or sophomore year. So a good 7-10 years have passed since I've studied any of this math work. It makes sense that I don't remember.

However, being the perfectionist that I am, I just assume it's supposed to all just come rushing back at me.

I love Jacob. For the simple fact that he is who he is. He's so patient with me. I feel bad for snapping at him, but it's who I am. I get frustrated when I can figure something out. I know it's not his fault. He's just trying to explain it to me and I'm not giving my brain the chance to comprehend it. It's not a very good excuse, that this is just the way I am, but it's really all I have.

I've been this way since I was real young. Getting flustered because my letters weren't perfect. Even when I broke my right arm {I was 5} and taught myself how to write with my left hand, I would get angry at myself when it wasn't perfect. Hell, this shit goes back as far as age 2, from stories that my mom has told me. Remember the ball with the difference shapes cut out and you had to put the right shaped block in to the matching hole? Apparently I got so frustrated when one of the shapes wasn't fitting that I threw it down on the ground and exclaimed my first curse word: dammit.

I am a perfectionist. I get really down on myself when I do something wrong or can't figure something out. It eventually works itself out, but not before I get upset or angry.

I don't like the way that I react and I try to work on not reacting that way, but it's hard. It's hard to change the way you've been since before the memories even kicked in.

Anywho, I know I'll do good on the English part of the exam. I focus on that aspect of the work load on a more daily basis than the Algebraic, Geometric and Trigonometric functions. It'll just take a bit of refreshing, but not without frustration. I'll probably write tomorrow to update on how I think I did on the test.

Until next time NuTang ...

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frying the brain
Sunday. 4.24.11 1:27 am
I started to write a blog about an hour ago, but got sidetracked and completely spaced about what I was originally going to write.

I do remember starting to write about how blah I feel right now. Mother Nature is never a fun thing to deal with. And knowing that I've still got 30+ years to go isn't comforting.

Even though I only just started taking notes and working on my Marine Biology book, I'm going to take a break tonight. My brain just isn't in it. That and I'm trying to figure out some of Jacob's math problems from his homework. I need to re-hone my math skills too, but tonight is probably not the best night to do it. If I'm not even in the mood to color code stuff, doing long division with variables probably isn't the best alternative.

Jacob won't be home tomorrow after work. He's going to his Aunt's for some Easter thing. Except that it's not going to be at her house. If it was, I'd be going too. Driving to Capitol Hill from Kirkland doesn't suck as much as driving to Capitol Hill from Monroe. The drive from Monroe to Capitol Hill on Christmas was shit and that was when the roadways were completely devoid of traffic. Easter isn't as widely celebrated as Christmas. Empty highways aren't guaranteed this time. Oh well. As long as he brings me left overs.

Anywho, my hair is almost dry enough for me to lay down comfortably. I'm glad tomorrow is Sunday {my Friday.} I'm looking forward to Monday. I've got testing to do and we'll be seeing African Cats while we're downtown. I'll probably be taking the bus down there by myself and Jacob will catch up with me later on to see the movie. I'm not exactly sure yet, though. I'll have to see what happens.

Until next time NuTang ...

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one small step at a time
Friday. 4.22.11 12:52 am
As some of you have already seen, my status on Facebook right now says, "If you take one small step at a time, eventually you will realize you've covered quite a bit of ground."

I came up with it on my own after thinking about how much I've accomplished so far simply by taking small steps. I've applied for community college; I've scheduled doctor's appointments with both my gyno and a therapist. I've also got the plan set to take my class placement test for college on this coming Monday. I'm finally working on taking notes to refresh my memory for Marine Biology classes, though I should probably be studying up on my mathematics so I can score well on the placement test. English I'm not too concerned about.

Today alone, I feel accomplished because of the good job I did with the code call and reports that I had to deal with at work. I also cleaned up most of the kitchen; I say most because there are still a few pots I haven't gotten around to washing quite yet.

I just feel good today. I feel good with where I'm at. There's also this:

Every once in a while Jacob will say or do something that will just make me smile and instantly improve my mood especially if I wasn't in the greatest mood beforehand. Most of the time it'll be a sweet and simple text saying something like, "have a good day at work beautiful," or he'll compliment on how sexy I am. But then there's that rare occasion that he says "I love you" first and it just gets me every time. Today it was at the end of a phone call. He said it in such a way that it just belonged. I could feel the meaning behind it. It made me smile for a good few minutes. Even just thinking about it is making me smile now.

I read somewhere that women say I love you much more often than men, but men show their love by actions rather than words. A few of my guy friends agreed with that too. Jacob is definitely one of those guys. He'll buy me a book or some chocolates or something that he knows I'll like. Often it's just simply random. No holidays or birthdays. He'll see it in the store, think of me and get it to give to me. It's the things like that that make me know that we'll get through the tough times. It's not fun arguing and having our disagreements, but we've managed so far.

My therapist appointment is on May 10th and depending on how that goes, I might ask about a couple's counselor. We'll see.

Anywho, I just wanted to update. I'm feeling good today. Perhaps that'll carry over in to tomorrow.

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sushi, silent movies, books and cheesecake
Wednesday. 4.20.11 6:20 am
This weekend was great {for future reference when I say "weekend" I mean my weekend, Monday and Tuesday.} Jacob and I slept in until around 1pm, then lounged around the house for a couple hours before getting ready to head downtown. This old theater downtown, called the Paramount Theater, plays movies every once in a while. This month they had what they call silent movie Mondays. This particular Monday the movie called The Crowd was playing. It's a movie from 1928. It was funny. The only thing that would have been nicer was if I could read lips better because in a silent film, not all of the dialogue is typed out.

Before the movie, since we had gotten downtown a few hours before the movie played, we decided on sushi for dinner. It was happy hour so some of the rolls were discounted and all drinks were discounted. We each got two rolls and a couple drinks each. It was nice.

After dinner, we still had some time before the doors opened so we went to the Barnes and Noble on the corner a couple blocks down from the theater and wandered around. Jacob bought a book for himself and couple for me.

After the film was over, we decided to go to the Cheesecake Factory for dessert. The cheesecake I got was really good. But from being full still from dinner, I only ate about half and took the other half home.

Yesterday was more a relaxed day. We went to the store to buy rice and a few other things, but mostly stayed home. I've been wanting crab/seafood salad for a while so I kind of went in search of some. Unfortunately there was only one store that had it and it wasn't that good. That was pretty much a disappointment.

Everything was really good ... up until the very end of last night. When a joke kind of took a sour turn and now Jacob's texts are back to one or two words. If he even answers. I shouldn't be bothered by it like I am, but I am.

This is why I'm going to call the Behavoiral Health place today and schedule an appointment with a therapist.

It's to the point that I just don't give a shit today. I don't really care about work today. I mean, I don't much care about work anyway, but today I really just don't care. I've thought about getting a hotel room to stay in for a couple nights. That's actually something that I've been contemplating for longer than I should be. Which is really even at all. I've thought about bringing up the idea of renting a 2 bedroom apartment so that we can have some extra space, but I know that we can't afford it. Reading over my texts, you can definitely tell the difference between when we were apart and when we were together. You can tell because when we're apart the texts are loving and sweet. When we're together, he feels too crowded and talks about needing to explore the world. But then when we're apart again, he misses me and wants me around and wants to be around me.

It's not always like this, but it happens more than it should. Which is why talking to a therpist might help. I'm not sure how, but I've been told that it'll help.

Here's to hoping for something better ...

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Roller derby: part 2
Sunday. 4.17.11 12:08 am
So roller derby was awesome! It started out kinda slow, but picked up as the night went on. The Seattle teams didn't do too well, but it was still a great time. I'm so glad our friends were able to make it. Jacob loved it so much that he's going to go next month as well. I might. Depending on if I can get the night off again. If not, I'm going to aim for the bout in June.

The food and drinks were outrageously priced, but I suppose that's normal for an event like that. If you think movie theater prices are bad? Try a hot dog and popcorn each for $6 and 4 beers for $40. It was insane. But still worth it. Just the fact that we all had a good time made it worth it. Hopefully next time we go it'll be on payday, though so we'll be able to meet up beforehand to get something to eat. Or maybe go out for food afterwards. We'll have to see.

After the derby got out, I had to bring Jacob to work, but I came back and met up with the others at a pub that wasn't too far from where I work. We hung out there for about a half hour or so; I had another beer, but that was it. The other three had already been up since early in the morning so they were all tired and I was pretty ready to just go home, change into pajamas and relax for the night so we all parted ways.

I really can't wait until next time. If any of you have the opportunity to go to a roller derby, do so. I definitely recommend it. We're actually gonna try to plan ahead next time and get more people to go. Hopefully it works.

Anywho, that was my night. I have to work tomorrow {I had switched with someone so that I could get today off} and then I have my normal weekend, Monday and Tuesday. I'm already ready for it.

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