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Saturday. 5.14.11 11:10 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Friday. 5.13.11 1:16 am
When the title of something has the word "final" in it, doesn't that usually mean the end?

Well apparently not when it comes to movies.

The Final Destination movie series came out with the original, Final Destination {the best, in my opinion,} Final Destination 2, Final Destination 3 and The Final Destination.

Obviously that wasn't enough.

They had to find a whole new cast in order to create Final Destination 5.


FINAL is defined in the dictionary as the following:
a : not to be altered or undone
: coming at the end : being the last in a series, process, or progress

Since when did that become null and void?

Since the movie creators couldn't fucking stop.

Let it go.

Let it die.

Okay, my rant is over. I'm moving on with my life. Back to refreshing my Japanese. So that I can continue on and maybe get through the entire whole of the Rosetta Stone Japanese levels 1-3.

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Wednesday. 5.11.11 11:08 pm
So I don't know if the therapist went well or not. Seeing as how each session is only about 45 minutes long, and with this being the first one, not much was accomplished. At least not in my mind. She wanted me to come back again so I've got two more appointments scheduled; one at the end of this month and another the beginning of next month. We'll see what happens.

I'm sort of going in to a downward spiral right now. With as many things as I've got going for me at the moment {orientations for school and volunteering and a new schedule at work that doesn't require me to work one odd shift each week} I'm not feeling the least bit accomplished.

My mind isn't in it. And when I say "it" I mean anything. I'm actually back to wishing I could just up and disappear. I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.

I'm also aware that this is all stuff to discuss with the therapist over the next couple appointments.

Anywho, we got new pots! I'm really excited about it because the ones that we had were really starting to fall apart. The non-stick coating was coming off almost every single pot/pan that we owned. Only two, one pot and one pan, has survived. These new ones are so nice. Hopefully they'll stay that way for a while.

Alright, I'm done. Until next time ...

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feeling inferior
Sunday. 5.8.11 6:02 pm
The ideas and thoughts that Jacob has been sharing with me lately have been making me feel rather inferior. They're ideas about the body and mind and genetics. Things that could improve or assist different parts or things in the future.

I have nothing even close to that intelligent to talk about. Instead I would complain about something at work. Or just make an unrelated statement about an upcoming appointment.

I keep getting the feeling that maybe I should separate myself from him. I don't want to be the one responsible for holding him back from his dreams or ideas. I'm not physically holding him back, but I feel like he'd be more free to do what he wanted, whenever he wanted if I wasn't around. If he didn't have to worry about me and my financial stability {or lack there of} or my emotional state, then he'd be free. Nothing would be tying him down or holding him back.

It might just be a bit of depression that's triggering all these feelings, but I'm not imagining the fact that he hasn't cuddled up to me in bed in at least 4 days. I'm the only one who's been doing the cuddling.

Two more days. I'll find out about a couple's therapist then. And perhaps discover some of my own problems that I didn't even know were there.

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3 more days
Saturday. 5.7.11 1:13 am
I have to get through 3 more days before seeing the therapist.

I know that Jacob supports my decision to go, but you'd think he'd be more so during these last few days before I have to go, considering how much I was against it before. But instead, we've barely spoken to each other during the last few days.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid again and that everything between us is fine; he's just having another one of his mood swings. But I'm still uncomfortable with all the silence that's been between us lately.

I just have to get through 3 more days and maybe the doc will be able to help me understand what the hell is going on. Or help me not be so crazy.

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Friday. 5.6.11 1:45 am
I haven't written an entry with that kind of title in a while. It was long overdue.

I've started over on my Japanese. And yes, it's because Jacob is working on his Japanese again. This time he didn't ask me to work on it. He's already got someone who he can speak Japanese with. She's actually from Japan. I'm probably learning this language for all the wrong reasons, but whatever. As long as I don't lie to myself ...

My employer kind of fucked up with some of my benefits. I made a dentist's appointment Wednesday and I found out yesterday that there was no record of me ever getting dental benefits. Which sent up a red flag because I remember signing up before the deadline. So I contact my employer and we eventually get it worked out. I'm not sure what happened on their end, but they were required to give me the benefits, even though it's not open enrollment, simply because they messed up on their end. I did my part. So now my appointment will be covered and I won't have to worry about canceling it. Although I am not looking forward to this appointment at all, it's a necessary evil. Especially since I haven't been in like, 16 years.

I have my therapist appointment on Tuesday. Jacob said it's best to go alone {as opposed to him coming along and then just meeting up with me afterwards} because your emotions might be running high once you're done. I don't like the idea of going downtown alone again, but I suppose if he thinks it's best...

I'm going to bring up the possibility of a couple's counselor while I'm there.

I don't feel like doing math work tonight. I want to study more Japanese, but I'm yawning so much my eyes are watering. So I should probably just shut the computer off and sleep.

Until next time NuTang ...

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