Wednesday. 1.3.07 2:23 am
The thing I hate most is the feeling of disappointment. There's nothing like hoping for the best or hoping the outcome of something would go your way and having it crashing right before you.
I'm constantly butting heads with my mom and the truth of the matter is that I just can't get along with her anymore. I am a CONSTANT DISAPPOINTMENT to her. She doesn't even have to say it, I just know.
As every single day passes by, I'm noticing that I'm just like my parents. Around them I'm quick to yell when frustrated, to make small situations bigger than they should be, and stubborn. I HATE IT.. and to make things worse, I don't know HOW to change. I am constantly surrounded by it, I should just take a vow of silence.. but you know I can't do that either. I don't want to be like them, no not the lifestyle or things like that, but personality wise.
I constantly want to prove them wrong, that I'm NOT a disappointment and that I can be successful. What makes it so hard is that I feel like I'm just expected to fail because I'm such a 'bad daughter'. I admit, I speak up for myself. When I feel like I'm right, I will speak up. I can't just bottle up my anger like I used to.
It's not like my parents are rooting for me to fail, I guess I feel like they think I don't deserve it. It hurts to know that they're constantly pushing me out because they don't need me in their life.. and honestly.. they don't. I am just a burden to them and as soon as I get out of the house, a weight will be lifted off their shoulders.
There's not a day where I don't think of moving out on my own. I really want to, but I don't think I can survive it out there trying to go to school and working at the same time. Especially since I haven't had a job in 7 months? I wanted to focus on school that's why, and I noticed my grades were slipping. So work wasn't my thing then.
So, I'm looking for a job. Any opportunities out there? Let me know yeah? I really need it.
If I could just end my life right now, I really would. As for that, I don't have the guts to go through with it and it upsets me when I even think of resorting to that. I can't help but think of ways to just quit being a burden to my family. Killing myself, I don't even know. It's such a sensitive subject. I hate the fact that even comes up in my head, but what else have I got?
As I was being lectured, my dad was telling me about my friends.. or I should say FRIENDS in general. How it's easy to find new ones, and when it comes to asking them for help (money, etc..) they won't always do it and leave you hanging. I don't think that's so true. When you find the right ones, you just know? And when it comes to help, they'll only do it in a certain degree. I mean no one can really help you, but yourself. With the whole finding new friends.. IT'S HARD. It really is time consuming to find the friends you really connect with. It takes a history and committment.. and when you don't have that.. you have to work extra hard.
In all, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. My mind is completely jumbled with a ton of thoughts and the feelings of being disappointed, frustrated, angry, depressed, the list can go on. I don't know what to expect of myself. I can go on and say I'm NOT a good person, but you know what? I am and I'm not. I'm not perfect. I have my happy moments. I breakdown. I cry. I get upset. I get disappointed and I disappoint. I yell. I make mistakes. I say things that I shouldn't say. I feel regret. I'm only human. And whether you're going to judge me based on what you read here. Then go ahead. I will never be perfect, and I will never stride to be.
So I'm letting everyone know that I am just who I am. I'm not going to try to be something I'm not. I can't be there to help when I already struggle to help myself. I can't ALWAYS please you guys. I can't even seem to please myself.So to the people who are/were in my life..
I want to apologize if I have ever disappointed you in any way. I want you to know whether we are on good terms or bad that I thank you for being in my life. I can't dwell on the bad situations I've had because you know what? It's what got me here.. to my thoughts/views/attitude/friends/everything I am now.
I'm not even making sense anymore, but I hope you got the jest of it. Haha. Today was just one of my breakdown points where I needed to vent and I feel somewhat better. Good night.
Oh yeah, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
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Friday. 12.19.06 10:45 pm
I'm going to Las Vegas with my family and we're leaving at 5AM tomorrow. I'm not done packing. I always feel like I'm going to leave something behind.
Anyway, I'd rather much stay at home.. be with my friends & family.. I GUESS. Hahaha.
Hopefully it won't turn out boring! ): Cause I have this big feeling it's going to be.
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