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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Saturday, March 2, 2013
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling when I'm going to sleep. I've read this is a common experience.

Last night I felt like I was lying strapped in to a roller coaster, facing the ground, and being pulled at by gravity. Or... maybe riding those Xtreme Skyflyer rides.

I guess that it would make more sense to describe it as being tied to the bottom of a beam, but the sense was indisputably that of being on a roller coaster.

I should mention that I hate roller coasters. Also that I've actually never been on one that gave me that kind of sensation. I did ride the Skyflyer several years ago, and it was terrifying.

But back to last night. The sensation of being extremely high up like that was horrible. I felt like gravity had been reversed, and even though I was currently pinned to my bed, I could fall at any moment. I could almost imagine plummeting down through the open air, paralyzed by fear. I'm not sure if I'm really afraid of heights so much anymore, but I can't look down from a great distance without imagining falling.


I did end up adding onto my old story. I think Zanzibar has access to it, but as far as I'm aware nobody else from here has read it. I think... it's the longest story I've ever written, but it's actually only four pages. >.> And then I have a bit over two pages just of notes and background info. There's so much I want to cover but I have yet to decide where it will go. I am not one of those people who can write something and say "it just wrote itself!" Actually though, I haven't really ended up writing like, a paragraph or something and then deleting it... so maybe that's a good sign.

I'm just rambling now. Gonna go watch the first season of Xena with my boyfriend while he fixes my computer.

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So much for that?
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Grr, I still can't believe I missed a day. One day! So close.

It's almost too late to back out of this college path I've set myself on. I don't know why I'm saying it like that. That sounds terrible. I guess in a way I'm just kind of afraid of how I'm going to deal with the future.

I'm looking at grad school options for Psychology right now. A man from Palo Alto University, which is a Psych grad school, came to talk in my Social Psychology class yesterday, and since my professor recommended the school I thought I would check it out.

They offer PhDs, which would take five years, and MAs, which take three years. A PhD in Clinical Psychology supposedly prepares you to be a clinical psychologist, while an MA in Counseling Psychology prepares you to be a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT). I would prefer to go for the PhD, but five more years of schooling, on top of the maybe two I'll need just to finish undergrad, is a really long time. I wouldn't be done with school until I was almost 30...

Since my brother is going to do med school, neither of us would really be done with school until about that age. I'm wondering if it would make more sense to go for the MA and try to get out into the job market earlier. I'm not sure what job prospects are like for MFTs though.

Looking at the Occupational Outlook Handbook, it looks like Clinical Psychologists make about twice as much as MFTs. That's... a pretty considerable difference. Both fields are projected to grow faster than average, though. I wonder if it would be possible to get the PhD in less than five years? I don't know if they require you to take courses in a certain order (probably) or if they would let you condense them by taking on more at once. Could I do that without killing myself? I don't know my limits. Even when I'm feeling "overwhelmed" it's usually just because I put stuff off, not because it's actually more work than I can handle.


My computer is still broken... I'm typing this from a school laptop. My boyfriend is going to buy a new motherboard and processor and try to fix my computer on Saturday. We don't know if it's actually the motherboard and processor, though. My dad said it could also be the power supply. I don't really care what it is, I just want it to work. :\

On the other hand, without my computer working, I've been going to bed an average of two/three hours earlier. The days seem longer. Maybe it would be a good idea for me to limit my screen time...

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Beyond control
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
My writing group's prompt for our next meeting is to write a piece based on the excerpt from a random book at the coffee shop where we meet. The snippet is "the way he felt when things were beyond his control."

I have a lot of ideas for this one, but deciding which of them to go with is a bit tricky. Even though I have a strong tendency to write emotions I am familiar with (mainly variations of depression) into my pieces, I have an aversion to including things that are too close to my personal experiences. I don't want people to think I'm writing about myself (even if I am...).

Maybe I should just add on to that other piece I haven't touched in awhile. It would sort of make sense to have the character feel that way, since his life has been essentially predetermined for him by his genetics.

My computer broke last night. Hopefully it will be fixed today. My dad said the heatsink and fan on my other one were loose, which is why the processor might have burned out. I told my boyfriend about it and he said they must have come loose during transport. -Sigh-

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Double posting because why not
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Listening to Cirrus by Bonobo. When I saw the music video I knew it had to be by Cyriak. He has such an awesome unique style.

This creepy forty five year old from OKC has been messaging me telling me he thinks I'm so "pretty and sweet" and that he wants to treat me "like a princess" and hopes my boyfriend knows how lucky he is.

"I just can tell you are a sweetheart, not just from your innocent profile, and purity. But your Angel like pics. I envy your BF, you are so pretty and sweet, I hope he treats you like the ***Princess*** you are."

Ewwwww. There are forty five year olds who are pretty cool and don't creep me out, but this guy does not fall into that category. What's worse is that he's supposedly not even trying to hit on me.

"yeah I know you have a BF. and I understand, but your a sweet beautiful girl. When I say treat like a princess. I guess I mean that in this case, as a sweet friend. If I want to do something for you. I hope you let me. if we get a bite to eat, I hope you let me pay, even though its just as friends. He is a lucky guy, I hope he knows just how lucky."

It weirds me out that he's inferring that I'm sweet from my profile, because honestly I designed it to be pretty sparse and not tell people much about my personality outright. My pictures also mostly obscure my face. There have been guys who have interpreted my profile as a sign that I'm bitchy, even. -Shrug-

Here are some pictures I took in a dd's Discounts, which I guess is like a Ross or a TJ Maxx but feels more downscale to me.

Look at these swaggalicious sunglasses.

Aw yeah what son.

(I'm glad my boyfriend humors me when I put silly things on him. He has very little sense of shame.)

The names of knockoff perfumes tend to crack me up.

I feel like they really weren't trying very hard with this one.

"Our impression of 212 Sexy Men"

So it must be 505 times better, right?

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Thoughts while biking home
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
I tend to zone out when I'm biking unless it's really cold and my ears hurt or something, in which case I focus on the pain and all I can think about is getting home.

Things have been pretty stable for me I guess, in the general scheme of things. Despair rarely comes knocking.

But even though my life is more or less going well, it feels weird.

I think it's just because for the longest time I've (consciously or not) considered suffering an integral part of my self identity. It's disorienting to be moving away from that. Part of me keeps expecting to lapse and be extremely depressed again, or even... hoping for that? Not because I think depression is happy fun times but just... it seemed like it made up part of my personality.

Maybe I've said this before. I think I have, in different words. I'm still discovering who I am without depression. (That's not to say it's totally gone, it's just the faintest it's ever been)

Still, I will admit I draw most of my inspiration from said suffering.

...Though the tiny details of people's lives interest me too now. That's good. I'm finding new things to be interested in. Maybe someday I'll be able to have passions again.

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More JoCo
Monday, February 25, 2013
I've been listening to a lot of Jonathan Coulton songs lately. I sort my iTunes library by date added, and most of the ones at the top (meaning new additions) are by him.

9 out of my 15 newest additions are by him, actually. Did not realize just how many I had added until just now.

I'm spamming my ears with Artificial Heart.

His newest album is... really... poppy? (Pop-y?) That kind of turned me off it at first but I really like a couple of the songs.

I love the themes he writes into his songs. With a lot artists I might like just their music and not feel strongly about the lyrics, or vice versa. Got a good thing going here, though.

Here's my other favorite from the album, Glasses:

Gotta go to school now. I need to start sleeping more... I've been sleep deprived for awhile now and it's... not doing good things for my mood.

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Oh no :C
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I missed an entry...

My boyfriend stayed over Friday night and I spent the whole day with him, so I didn't go on the computer at any point.

I was doing so well, too. D':

But I'm not surprised I forgot. I was really tired yesterday, and I spent over two and a half hours waiting for him to fix a friend of a friend's laptop in a Starbucks.

By the time he had finished I had basically lost all motivation to do anything and he felt really bad for taking me along with him.

We downloaded Amber: Journeys Beyond onto his computer last night and were playing it until we fell asleep. The game really scared me when I was little, and I was remembering that while we played. Scenes from it have been popping into my memory lately though, so I wanted to replay it for... nostalgia's sake, I guess.

Man, I am really disappointed that I missed a day.

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It did make a difference
Friday, February 22, 2013
2013 will be my eighth year on Nutang. Wow.

I was trying to think of why I've kept up blogging for so long. I think that, out of the people here, I am one of the people who has tended to share more... personal details more often. Nowadays I do a lot more simple external happenings stuff instead of internal contemplations, but still.

I've been reading through old journals tonight. I found an entry from 2008 that elaborates a little on the subject of blogging:

{I like it when people think of me. Not like, "I got this for you," but "I was thinking of this joke you told" or "it reminded me of that thing you did." When other people verify my existence, whatever meager importance I have, it makes me feel better. I know my life isn't just some worthless thing that people dismiss as soon as I'm out of sight. They indirectly tell me that I actually make an impression on them... And I really am cheered up.

Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. Even when I'm not around, people will comment. Sometimes they even quote me. It's the little things like this that keep me from coming home and crying. Knowing people care...}

High school was a bit rough for me, not externally but internally, due to depression... I couldn't remember what happiness felt like and resigned myself to a life without it, constantly berated myself privately for every flaw I could find (and there were a lot), and often felt unable to really connect with my peers (a normal problem, I imagine).

I turned to the emo subculture to try to find people who could relate to me. I just wanted to identify with some group so I wouldn't feel like I was facing my emotional issues alone. Though I don't really consider it bullying, I did get made fun of a bit for trying to align myself with what I perceived as the emo lifestyle. I think that at the time, I didn't really understand that there were people who were depressed but not emo.

2007-2008 looks like it was where things got darkest. That would have been my junior year, which makes sense. In 2005 my entries were excited and focused on crushes. By 2008 a lot had changed in me. I guess I had matured somewhat, for one, but depression had also taken over my life and become a core element of my personality. It was always in the back of my mind and I couldn't separate my identity from it. I was also depersonalized/derealized at the time, although I didn't know it at the time. I just knew things didn't feel real, and I didn't feel real.

Even though I do remember having some of these thoughts, when I read my old entries, I can't help but marvel at just how bad it was sometimes. I know I did blog about some of it, but there is a limit to how personal I will get on here.

I'm extremely sleepy, and I think that's just making me nostalgic in a weird way.

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