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My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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trying new things and breathing through them
Sunday. 7.24.11 1:27 am
I really should learn some sort of meditative techniques. I've been trying this new thing called breathing. It works most of the time. The times breathing doesn't work on it's own, I also resort to ranting.

I've added Chemistry to the math work that I'm doing on my own at home in order to better prepare myself for when I start school.

See, I was planning on starting this quarter, but since I'm still considered a non-resident {fuck you honest ways} I have to wait until the winter quarter before I can be considered a resident and not have to pay a shit ton of tuition. Even the financial aid only covers 30% if I'm a non resident. Well, I don't have $900 either, so fuck you very much shitty system.

It's frustrating sometimes because I am not in a class every day or every couple of days. I don't have an instructor who can explain how to better understand the curicculum being taught or that I can go up to and ask questions. I have just me, myself and the textbook. I do have Jacob's help, but he's not a teacher. I get frustrated really easily when I can't understand what he's trying to tell me and he gets frustrated because I can't understand what he's trying to tell me. I can understand, though. I know what it's like to try to explain something that I know how to easily do to someone who doesn't know how to do it. The shortcuts that are ingrained in to my brain won't work. I have to actually think about how it was back when I didn't understand something.

So I am working really hard on this breathing technique so that when I can't understand right away something that Jacob is trying to explain to me, I breathe and work through it. I stop him and ask him to slow down or maybe explain it a different way. Or I tell him what I'm getting out of it and if it's wrong maybe he could help me understand the correct way.

Still really frustrating at times, but I really am working on trying to be more patient. At least when it comes to this.

Anywho, I guess I really don't have much else to write about so I'll end it here. At least until I have something else to write about.

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distanced ...
Saturday. 7.16.11 4:16 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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working up the motivation to become motivated
Saturday. 7.2.11 2:37 am
Yes, at two thirty seven in the AM, I am thinking about how I can improve and the steps that need to be taken towards improving.

I've been lacking a certain amount of motivation as of late and it usually gets to me in the middle of the night.

I need to work on my math so that I can test in to a higher math class. At least the lowest college level course so that I don't have to pay extra money just to have someone teach me things I can learn at home for free.

I need to get in to shape. Walking up two flights of stairs gets me winded. The 30+ pounds that I've gained in the last however many months needs to go away. Which means, yes, I'm considering going to the gym again. There's this fairly cheap gym down the street from me, that I can walk to, that offers free personal trainers. I need the push, the drive, the challenge in order to keep at it. Which is the job of a personal trainer; to push you when you can't push yourself any further.

I am going to get in to school in the fall. I am going to start motivating to do better. To improve my life.

Now if only these things stuck with me during the waking, daylight hours when it's necessary to have this sort of drive and not right before I'm about to knock out for the night.

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16 years is too long
Thursday. 6.30.11 11:09 pm
RIP Dad.

I miss you.

I love you.

6-12-56 - 6-30-95

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tomorrow's exciting agenda
Saturday. 6.25.11 11:36 pm
First, though, I need to emphasize how tired I am right now. I got off work at 10pm last night, then had to be back at work at 6am this morning and work until 10pm tonight. Needless to say, having only gotten maybe 3-ish hours of sleep last night and working the 16 hours today, I'm rather tired.

But in order for me to have something to wear for tomorrow, I needed to do a load of wash and take a shower. So I can't go to sleep quite yet. What's going on tomorrow, you ask? Well, I shall inform you.

First off:
Pride Parade!

It'll be my first one ever and I couldn't be more excited. Jacob and I are meeting up with a couple friends and we'll be getting some breakfast before making our way to the parade route. Probably IHOP or something along the same lines.

The parade itself is due to start at 11am and is supposed to run for about 2 1/2 hours. Then there's this brunch after the parade, but I'm not sure if we'll be attending that. It hasn't been discussed yet.

I do need to be home by 5pm, though. I have my volunteer shift at PAWS.

Even with as tired as I am and having the knowledge that I won't be able to sleep in tomorrow as I normally hope for after working 16 hours, I know that it'll be worth it to get up early and go out.

Here's to Seattle Pride!

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please, don't stop on my account
Friday. 6.24.11 1:17 am
I know all of you have experienced this at some point in their life: where you walk towards some people talking, they stop when they see you nearby and continue talking when you're not near them anymore.

This generally happens for one of two reasons. One, they're talking about you and don't want you to hear them. Or two, they don't want you to hear what they're talking about for fear you might tell someone else.

I ran in to a situation like this today. However, there's a catch.

I walk towards a closed door, but I can hear that there are two people in the room I'm approaching. I open the door and the conversation stops. I go in, hit the button that tracks where I've patrolled and walked out. As soon as the door shut behind me, the conversation started up again. What makes this different from normal situations like that?

They weren't speaking English. I had no clue what they were saying, nor did I really give a shit. Yet, for some reason, they felt compelled to stop speaking while I was in the room.

It wasn't even a typical language that I might have learned in school. If they had been speaking Spanish, French or even German or Japanese, then maybe I could understand the possibility of me maybe understanding some of what they were saying. But they were speaking some kind of African language. Something they don't teach you in school. Least not high school.

It irked me for the simple fact that it's fairly obvious that I would have no idea what they were saying. I'm unmistakably white. You can't even pretend that I might be some other race. The odds of me understanding what you're saying are less than slim to none.

So please, by all means, continue your conversation. Pretend I'm not even in the room. I have no clue what the fuck you're saying.

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