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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Again, again.
Wednesday. 11.1.17 2:48 pm
My mother went sighing again after countless of times saying the same old thing that she will die faster thanks to her to dearest daughters.

Right. I also would die faster thanks to my mother. It's amazing that I don't have hypertension after the years of emotional abuse and or the cusses she said on a frequent basis. Like this morning, she was complaining for full 30 minutes with a very unpleasant face. I hate that tone. I hate that facial expression. It's almost everyday. On average it's like 4 times a week.

And I am a person I need space. Space is very sacred to me.

Sigh. I am also gonna die faster than my mum. With the stress I have from all around me apart from my mother, I am sooo tired.

I think I have reached the apex of absorbing too much energy that does not even benefit me. And that is what makes me tired everyday.

And my mother can be so dramatic. I don't need all this drama in my life.

I have started to think of moving out but this is my house!

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Monday. 10.30.17 4:34 am
I am now watching a web series called Freakish. I found the series interesting to watch and I jumped at many scenes when those zombies appeared out of nowhere. As usual.

I thought the series was fine. The acting was not very bad as a review said. Though sometimes some scenes may not make sense like romantic relationships suddenly bloomed. But then... it's a zombie-apocalypsed story. Nothing make sense during that time. Panic, chaos whatsoever follows. Do you think you can think straight during that chaos? What's wrong with a teen knowing how to make explosives? They are easily found on google. I don't see this as odd. A girl can hide her 8-month pregnancy well and it's odd? Not at all. My friend didn't even have a stomach to show that she was pregnant despite wearing maternity clothing. My boss went gag when she was announcing she is taking maternity leave. Things can happen.

Why so harsh? Just relax and watch...

This reminds me of another low-budget movie that was surprisingly good. Similar storyline about an exploded chemical plant in a small town. The fish got mutated and attacked humans. The city become silent and there were only 2 survivors: A mother and her baby. Her husband was attacked while checking out the situation. It was tragic for that family. A young family went back to the town for a local festival except to found no one at night. A celebration was going on but no humans. The husband who checked out didn't return in fact the wife saw he was mutilated at the road side and she immediately left with the baby. People only started to realise something was off about the town after two days. That survivors were heavily compensated to buy their silence.

If movies need to have lots of sense, then we should demand explanation for freak accidents too. What I am trying to say is I don't ask for logic/reason for every scene. Sometimes it's not necessary like in chaotic situations. But of course those China drama need to instill heaps of common sense into the scenes!!! We are not that of a fool anymore!!!

Oh well just a rant.

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I am tired
Tuesday. 10.24.17 3:34 am
People are very hard to manage and understand. Sometimes isn't it great if we could be just doing things that we like and not chasing after money like our survival depends on it?

I understand I am not being mindful when I am speaking recently but I didn't blurt out everything. And I got scolded for sharing an information which I find normal and not uncommon. I mean we are all staying in the city. We all have common traits.

The insecurity of people is the most I can't handle now. I used to be insecure about many things until I decided to let go. Otherwise it was suffocating me.

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Sunday. 10.22.17 1:01 am
I went to Singapore for the weekend for 3 days. It was my birthday gift, actually.

The trip was supposed to be sponsored by a friend of mine but he withdrew simply because I want to meet our mutual friends on the second day. He demanded to meet them instead on the first day but I have already arranged to meet my personal friends. Initially, he wanted to accompany me the moment I land until the the time I fly off. That idea freaked me out. I was already suffocating from the lack of me-time and to have someone to be with me all the time will drown me. That was why I actually asked that I will be on my own on the first day and then meet up with him on the second and third day. I suggested we check out food in Singapore. At the same time, I also contacted our mutual friend to meet up who can only meet up on either the second or third day. And I said I am flexible. Hey, it's a holiday! So when I informed the sponsor about meeting our mutual friend on the second day. He gave me the ultimatum to either stick to my words to hunt food for him or to meet our mutual friend on the first day. Otherwise, he will keep his money.

I hate people threatening me. Before going to SG, I have also considered whether if I really want to be sponsored due to the terms and conditions. Thank god I didn't choose the Marina Bay Sands... haha otherwise I would have to give in to the sponsorship but then if I really love myself screw the funding. Since he has given me the ultimatum, I decided to sponsor myself and that gave me a relief of freedom. How nice it is to be able to go anywhere I want in Singapore on my own! So he just thanked me. I thanked him too for making myself to have me-time. Otherwise, I would still be in my room going crazy every minute monologu-ing that if only I can go for a holiday.

Why Singapore? No idea. I just feel like it. I know it's expensive but sometimes I just have to follow my hunch. Actually, I just spent SGD 130 for 3 days on food and a ticket to the Night Zoo.Yup! My other SG friends bought me food. Really appreciate that gesture.

That sponsor asked me if I were free to meet up but I just declined even though I can meet up our mutual friend together with him. With the ultimatum, I find it meaningless to catch up with him.What are we going to talk if we were to meet up? Listen to him snickering at me for holidaying in SG despite not having money and waiting for me to beg him to sponsor me? I have dignity and also I learn a great lesson: Sometimes we need to spend on ourself. Another lesson is... sometimes cannot be too kind-hearted.

This is the second time I have been threatened by him. And so why do I even still talk to him? Wait, I actually have not spoken to him for 2 years since the first threat.

Oh well, now will be for a very long time.

Sometimes it is best to be nice to everyone. This trip is supposed to be a birthday gift for me. If that so, then be sincere in gifting. I don't see how I am breaking my words for not hunting food with him. He wanted to be with me as early as 1000 until 2300. Meeting up with our mutual friend for just 2 hours out of that 13 hours is not too much to ask right? Oh well, a gift with T&C. I should know that too well.

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Tuesday. 10.17.17 2:54 pm
Life is shitty today but the good news is the two videos that I am in have been released. However, I am going to share one first in which I helped my friend to be his sidekick. Oh well, this video is done very artistically in my point of view la. Happy watching. Oh I appear in the second section.

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Brr... confusing focus
Wednesday. 9.27.17 12:08 am
I had a great birthday blast. I was well-fed the whole week which I really like it.

The last streak of my birthday dinner was with a friend who had said the darnedest thing to me that is 'don't go for auditions because you won't be chosen'. I will always remember that sentence. But anyways I still have meal with him.

We had a conversation that I would label it as 'buffet words' except it's a one-sided eat. My friend just bull-talk his way and I really find it not inspiring nor intellectual. In other words, he just talked because he can. This is not even the first time!

Here is the backbone. I definitely added some sentences to make it readable for you all. We talked in between Chinese and English.

You don't seem to have focus in life. You have been doing everything here and there in bits and pieces. So what are you good at?

(I am in deep thought that is 'not this topic again) Don't know?

What about your tarot reading skills? How good are you?

I think I am good as good as my teacher. I dare say I can give practical reading and good customer service.

Woah. I like your confidence but that overconfidence of yours is quite arrogant.

I agree on that but what makes you think I didn't learn other skills too?

Yea... but you definitely can't beat your teacher in terms of experience and the hours attending to clients.

I agree but when comes to customer service I dare say I am even better than some of the world-renowned. At the end of the day, I can give readings that people can take home. That's more important. And recently I had a skills scan with a famous psychic from XX and XX also commented that I am good in channeling things that are on the other side of my country.

Oh ... but I don't know how to quantify good in tarot reading then.

That's not my fucking business if you don't know how to quantify or don't even know the current customer service of the business.

This post is definitely not bragging my skills but it's about writing my brain out because I was so disturbed by this conversation for 4 days.

I am very well aware that I don't have a focus in life. Whenever I asked myself what my focus is and the answer is living a happy life... living a life that I am true to. Yes, it's a waste of time of just 'doing nothing' to a certain extent that I feel like I am wasting my time but doing everything and anything can also be a waste of time and energy. I will write that in the next post because I have another conversation on this topic just now.

So... I am disturbed by my friend because it made me question my own skills. Not only that it's more about feeling my own self when I am in that fucking hot seat. Why was I feeling insecure? Am I really that poor? No, I don't think so. My insecurity has driven me to spend thousands in learning skills that are related to spiritual development. I have also joined community that gives free reading so I can hone my skills. I have picked up things that my coursemates don't in classes. My experience has shown me that I am capable as others.

And.. sometimes I wonder why do people say such stupid things? What's the objective anyways?

As usual, I take this as a sign that I need to start kicking my ass to further improve my skills.

And also don't ever talk to this person again because it's not inspiring. It doesn't spur people to take action out of "yes I should do something before I die"... it's more to "fuck, I am doing this because I am scared."

We should never do things out of fear because we are then just letting fear to control us.

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