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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Online Radio

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dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
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Small sweetnesses [DP]
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
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The scale of things
Thursday, April 11, 2019
"He-Hello" by WYRES.

Really into this song right now. Very catchy. I guess it fits with the type of thing I like-- bouncy sound but sad lyrics.

Going to finally meet one of my internet friends on Saturday morning, so that'll be cool! We have been chatting for some number of months and playing Titan Quest together, but haven't met in person because he lives a few hours away. Not sure what it'll be like to hang out. We're just going to get breakfast, so maybe we'll just eat and talk about... whatever, I suppose. Looking forward to that, in any case.


I have... a problem(?) with not speaking up enough in some of my classes, I guess. My Transpersonal prof asked me to meet with him today after class to talk about my participation and encouraged me to share more. Or well, he asked me why I didn't share more and I gave some reasons, and then he encouraged me to share despite that. The class discussion turned to the interconnectedness of all things in some philosophies (e.g. Buddhism) at one point and I had some thoughts related to that, but didn't raise my hand. I ended up telling him in our little meeting, though. I told him about how I took a lot of different classes in undergrad, in different subjects, and it was interesting to me to see how things related even though they were under such supposedly separate headers. Like, Oceanography and Astronomy. These are classed as totally different sciences, but they do have things in common. The moon influences the tides, for one. And well... all the ingredients for everything on Earth came from space in some way. The intense gravity and heat in stars fuel the nuclear fusion that creates the elements that make up the world.

I don't care much for that whole "we're made of star stuff" thing, even though it's true, because like, basically everything is made of star stuff. It's cool to feel that connection with the universe but it's also not exactly unique.

But yeah, so, the point of all this is that so many things are related, and it seems odd in a way that we break things up into different disciplines and fields of study when the boundaries between them are not that solid upon close inspection. I understand that it's more convenient to study this way, but this type of compartmentalization also conditions us to think about the world in that boxed-up way. The world appears to us as a series of discrete objects, but that's not all there is to it. It's just a matter of scale. At the atomic level, where is the boundary between my hand and the keyboard I'm typing on? Zoom out far enough and my individual body disappears among the masses, and from space almost none of the details of our human constructions are visible. There's a relief in that, in thinking about the scale of things. It lifts a burden, decreases the weight that this one life I'm living has. It's easy to feel like your life is the center of the universe when your perspective is always from a vantage point where you can only see yourself as some kind of distinct solid object, rather than something constantly in flux and inseparable from other things.

Magnification matters immensely.

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Braids [DP]
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
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Taking care [2P]
Saturday, March 30, 2019
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Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Ended up being more like a 39 hour long fast, because I waited until after therapy to eat. I went to a little specialty market and bought cajun rubbed cheese curds, an herb ciabatta roll, and a golden plum. Was a nice way to break my fast.

I found that I was not ravenously hungry, but the food was good. Eating was not an encompassing experience the way it sometimes can be, but it was a small highlight of my day.

Maybe I'm just not in the headspace for the kind of experience that releases you from the isolation of individuality into communion with the universe. Trapped in myself for the time being.

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Monday, March 25, 2019
I decided to fast today, until tomorrow.

Not sure when I last ate but I think it was around 10pm last night, so I'm counting from there until 10am tomorrow.

No appetite, so figured I might as well take advantage.

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Shooting [2P]
Monday, March 18, 2019
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Sugar [DP]
Saturday, March 9, 2019
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