So, Money. I kind of have a love hate relationship with money. On the one hand, I like to think of myself as some kind of existentialist, to exist without the petty concerns of the ordinary man (pft, arrogant much?), but on the other hand, I am painfully aware of my personal drain on society. After all, I need to eat, bathe and sleep, just like everyone else. I believe, on some level, that maintaining my lifestyle is not actually FOR me. It�s for all the people who care about me and have invested all their time and energy into my life and my education. I feel like it�s somehow my duty to relieve them of that duty� well, about three years ago. But, the fact remains that I am still dependent, and only able to give back in small ways to my community.

You see, if a person is useful, no matter what maladies they suffer or trials they face, they are worth having on this Earth. I�d like to believe that all people have the capacity to have worth in this way. Whether you are like me (ditzy, disorganized and a little bit weird) or you have other flaws, each of us has the power to give back. But how?

I want to do something that is useful to those around me, something that directly gives back to the community. But, if anyone knows anything, they know that what people want and what people need are not only two different things, but just as difficult to predict as predicting the weather. Well then, you might say, why don�t we just do what we love and then everything will work out? �Well, does it? What if your work does not have value? What if your work has invisible value? How will you be able to tell? How will you be able to tell the difference? Do you wait until your function is eliminated and it begins to impact society or do you press for your position, demanding people recognize its function? What if, after all that demanding, people still claim your function is obsolete, that you are, in essence, worthless?

So you see, while I am talking about function and value and worth, I am actually talking about money, except that money is only a representative of these things. It is a physical representative of a spiritual function, and this it is so demoralizing to not be able to support myself with� money. I have spoken so plainly, I feel as though I have missed something here, some metaphor, some unique insight, but maybe that is not why I�m writing, maybe I am bogged down by the sea of the obvious and the mundane, paralyzed by the weight of it, but galled by its simplicity. It is a struggle, but so common, it barely is worth mentioning. I must prove my worth, cultivate my value, and grow my place in the world, and even though I have more support that I could really say that I deserve, no one can help me do this� and that�s tough.

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I've been learning a bit of sign language. I've had a lot of people in my life who were hard of hearing in my lifetime. I learned a little bit in elementary school and in middle school, but you have to understand that when you are talking to HH people, there's not much need. Well, fast-forward to the future: I am in library school, working at a library and I get my first deaf patron.

Why I am good for people who can't hear me -

- I am INCREDIBLY expressive and become more so when I am trying to help people understand me.
- I do know that I should try harder to look you in the eye and annunciate my words when I am talking to someone who can't hear me as well. (I.E. I don't yell or talk reeeaaallly SLOOOOWLY!)

Why I am terrible for someone who can't hear me -

- When I get talking, I mash all my words together.
- I don't always remember to look at you when I'm talking to you.

So, it worked. She wrote me little notes and I felt embarrassed because I am hopelessly ill-equipped to speak to her in a language that would be a whole lot easier for her.

Then, we got a new patron. Much more complex questions, much more walking around... Long story short, I am TERRIBLE at walking backwards! I just was standing there thinking, "I have got to learn myself some freaking sign language or I am going to kill myself".

It's been pretty fun so far. I think I like learning about the cultural the best. I'm always worried about driving people crazy with the little things that I just don't get, so it's kind of nice to 'get it' a little more. Some videos:

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I'm not going to talk about real politicians, current or past. Any similarities or dissimilarities between this list and current or past politicians is coincidental at worst, but more likely inconsequential to what I'm trying to say. Alright, that out of the way, what do I want:

1.) Straight talking. I'd rather a politician who told me straight up about things as opposed to weaving, dodging and recasting issues. I prefer honesty over showmanship.

2.) Respectful. You know when someone says, "respectfully" or "no offense" and you know whatever immediately follows is something that is both disrespectful and offensive? Well, I wish people would stop doing that. I think it is perfectly possible to indict someone effectively without being nasty.

3.) Logical. By this I mean, capable of making a point without resorting to the commonest of logical fallacies.

4.) Empathetic. I want someone who is able to feel with other people, even people that they don't agree with.

5.) Functionally literate. I am not entirely convinced that everyone reads the bills that they pass into laws. I may even add "compassionately literate", in that I hope they can extrapolate the anguish and trouble a single sentence can cause the people for whom these laws are written and that the people who have to figure it out are not always so legally adept as they are.

6.) Clear headed. Being a politician is stressful, so I would have my ideal politician be incredibly calm and clear headed, especially under pressure. Quick action is not necessarily good action and it is important to know the different.

7.) Wise. Notice I didn't say smart. Wisdom is about knowing how to respond and react given the limitations present in a given situation. It also means identifying assets appropriately.

8.) Good hearted. I would want someone who would want the best for others, even at their own expense. I would want someone who would be willing to lay down his or her life with as much readiness as those who would lay down their life for him or her. I would want that person to feel deeply with the pains and sorrows of others and to act compassionately. I would want someone who lived for others, not his or herself.

9.) Without excuse or pretense. I may be repeating myself but... no excuses. Admit the mistake, sure, but I would rather my ideal politician not excuse himself with flimsy rationale. Let the people make the excuses or grant forgiveness as they see fit.

10.) Innocuous. Like doctors, I would have my ideal politician "first do no harm". I would rather his actions went before his name, and that his policies be subtle, calming the public and easing the way for peace and prosperity.

What is your ideal politician?

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Not everyone gets married.

This was one of those disturbing facts that I became aware of one day while playing "werewolves" at a local gaming convention. He was a big fan and rules lawyer of the game, not hopelessly deformed, but not particularly handsome either. He was 40 and single and not exactly by choice.

I remember that someone must have said the perfunctory "Oh, you'll find someone", it might have even been me, but the first time, I thought that maybe, it wouldn't and was panicked by the notion that it hadn't for the past forty years of his life!

Of course, in the UP series, one of the guys is 42 before he finds his special person, but there is no indication that he did not date, at least, before then. This guy... I'm not sure he did.

Then there was my school secretary. She saved up for everything she ever bought: her house, her car. At the age of forty, everything she owned was bought and paid for and she wasn't even in a scrap of debt. She was single and unmarried and died four years later. Although, who knows, she might have not wanted to be married.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that finding the right person really is a rare and wonderful thing. Even among the people who do get married, many people get married to people that they don't really love and then they get divorced and others stay married to those people. But a sweet romance that turns into a mulled wine of meaningful connection... it might just not happen for you... or me, rather.

So, if you do have a special someone, let them know. Even if you've been fighting or they haven't been particularly perfect later, give them a hug, for all the people out there who can't.

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So, I want to get an older dog when I finally tick off all the boxes on my "I have to move out of the house and support myself" checklist, but I've become very worried about what that might entail, especially as miss Blossom, my remaining feeder mouse, takes me on a yo-yo of health complications. See, good breeding, at its core, has nothing to do with good looks. Good looks, actually, have everything to do with good breeding. Good genes. Good health. Even when a breed is inbred for a specific characteristic common among only a few dogs, good breeders are self-aware enough to not only target these bad genes and breed them out, but also to cast a wider net for newer genes. When the Basenji stock became too small to maintain, for instance, Basenji breeders from America traveled to Africa and bought street prowling Basenjis, vetted them, tested them and brought them back to America. That stock is primarily responsible for the addition of brindle to the breed colors. A similar thing happened with border collies when the exclusively black and white dogs started to experience eye problems. Since then, you see more colors, more genes, and healthier borders.

So, what worries me is, well... of course you have dogs that need homes, that could be happy and healthy for all the years that you have them and could even have sturdier genes that we see in first generation crosses, but, it could also have any of the hundreds of genetic diseases that plague the different breeds. This is especially true if I got a shelter purebred, as many of the purebreds who end up in the pound are not from reputable breeders (who insist that you return the dogs to THEM for rehoming). As far as the mix breeds? Well, most of those come from backyard breeders or accidental breedings. There is no professional organization dedicated to the healthy and responsible breeding of mix-breeds. Maybe there should be, but there isn't, so what can you do? Roll the dice, hope for the best, and sometimes end up with a dog that dies of some horrible disease a year after you get it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thinking very critically about this. Rescue organization talk about making an up to 15 year commitment to a pet, but I'm just worried that it won't be that long. I suppose, I could take the dog to get genetic testing myself, but then, isn't it just easier to go to a show, find a good breeder and ask them to inform me if they have any dogs that are returned to them?

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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