Sunday. 8.29.04 4:03 pm
I wrote a bit the other night. Laying in bed within the hours of sleep as it refuses to come, i wrote.
This is my ode to a dying relic, a world in which we have left. Maybe a feeling we never lost but something we've forgotten. yet, no w/o cost. i was thinking of that relic reborn from time to time, though never really to full potential, dont you think love, that nifty little thing, might be, something odd yet, nourishing. I dont know. Its me wanting something i cant have. maybe i shouldn't have changed. should i return to what life was. maybe its worth it. but what of the progression? the love.
Its an age of silence a world in muted lights, soft singing drums and laughter remote and lost. Lets stand still together and soak up the cyanide. Come and dance with me, maybe you wont have two left feet. "i sit and wonder of every love that could have been, if only i could have thought of somethign charming to say." Am i losing it? have i already lost it? You know i fear it. you know i wont stand for it but tend to wallow as is. when you watch their sillouettes melt and their happiness radiate you wonder, i cant really make it like that though. Cant really say its so. but maybe its something lost upon the good and youthful. ever thought of that. ones actions may reflect ones life. i am not on of morals. and this is how i choose to direct my karma. I am far from one worthy so it may seem. maybe i'm just lonely. maybe i'm just scared. wheres life going today? its a choice we live by. a world we dictate and feelings we create. i want to kiss someone i love, i want to give what i have and live just for them to see, what i am who i may be. maybe its foolish adolencence or even something more but, how can we say? "I need you so much closer" maybe he's too lost. a deadend to live in. A world i cannot tap, a feeling that wont be shared, a kill that cant be felt. what a tragedy. For such youth to be wasted on lonliness. But there still gleams lights within the depths of the ocean and maybe one day i'll stumble on them. Maybe he'll make that move, maybe i'll get that kiss. Who knows. lay it on chance. whats there to do but wait? and waiting may be a heavy task yet, living life with a measure of laughter may be the levity in which i need. but then again it can only seem that a world is everything it deems. I'm just tired of lonliness and ready for that type of happiness. Let me whince, its ok wont help anyone of my kind. "Can you tell me why you have been so sad" maybe i could but it would too bad.
Dont know and that'll be the secret.
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Thursday. 8.26.04 10:09 pm
My mum turned to me today after i had said that this year i finally quieted down and am concentrating on studying, that i have finnaly matured.
Maybe so. Maybe not. But all i know, is that i am changing. i dont like people the way that i once did. i dont like speaking up to them, or having to make them laugh so i just dont. people can exist, thats fine with me. But wither or not i decide to associate with them is something else.
Today someone annoyed me. it was suprising that he did. interesting.
there are more profound things in which i should address yet, wont of course.
i was thinking of maybe having a boyfriend this year, but then i began to think about who i would go out with and... haha, that lasted what three seconds? one kid is cute, but no chemistry, the other i really like/ liked but thats never going to develop into anything becasue of either a. he doenst like me or b. hes to much of a pussy to make the first move and i dont do that. so eh, i'm shit outa luck. acutally. i dont know.
that was incredibly shallow. haha, i laugh at my stupidity, actually i'm running from the things that must be addressed so i turn to the inane. oh well.
i wont adress them now or here.
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A New life, an old flare.
Friday. 8.20.04 11:24 pm
its an old flare that has risen out of the ashes of reminisance and the water of reliving. quite an interesting thing, i thought it died i wanted it to, but then again, old things die hard. it makes me laugh, smile, wonder. but then again there's the other one. interesting as well. where life will go, let it be.
the times are changing, and the world is increasing, training. so it may seem. i'm not ready but might as well start.
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Thursday. 8.19.04 10:03 pm
trip was awesome.
all i can say is that i found happiness and a bit of peace. it was nice. good people. nice time, beautiful sights, awesome ocean.
thats where i'll retire. live in Kula and go to the beach everyday, fuck yea. Loved kahalui, awesome. wailea was good too. ^_^
school started. it sucks ass. not in the mood to see people just yet. i fucking hate seeing people at school. *sigh* maybe i'll feel better when i've had more than two hours of sleep.
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Monday. 8.9.04 11:46 pm
i think i need more sleep. i feel faint and got a bloody noise. hrm. bad. not good. i never mind. i just need more sleep... more sleep...
i hate it when i bleed. i really do. my head hurts. blag... i'm not getting sick, i'm not getting sick, i am not getting sick!
i just watched bringing down the house, such a B Movie but it was funny. i loved the rasist parts, " i saw those latin people... they're here to buy a house... what? well if they arn't here with leaf blowers then..." haha, i laugh. my parents laughed. it was nice.
i'm starting a new poem book. that makes what, number three or four? new time in life new poem book. it's about time anyways and it's good.
i need sleep. i think i'll take it.
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Monday. 8.9.04 3:18 pm
its been so long. interesting...
i wrote last night. not on a computer but on paper. real paper and ink. wow. i seriously havn't done that in so long. it's quite, i dont know, an exprience. i missed it much more than i thought i would. hrm... i really should write more often. i really should... i wrote a blurb while half asleep the other day, need to finish this poem....
i can hear the winds changing outside
its dark within the dead of nigh
happy mournful thoughts race about
a lovely face full of doubt
its a thought to think,
a horrid will to fullfill
but that's all for that one. not very good haha, no really bad but i was sleepy, it was what, 3 in the morning, woke up and couldnt sleep so wrote that. yeah, i'll write better later.
but heres the writing from last night on real paper!
it's a lovely thing to think yet, horrid to fo. i think i have to change, dont really much mind about articulating my self more. it would actually be somewhat welcome so might as well set my self out to do it. time has been running rampis, fast with the rapids, rushing about here and there never pausing to let me in on the secrets of time and day, eroding life, shaping situations, and watching them play. it knows me for since the begining has it been my companion. seeing all the colors, the scenerary, the beauty, as i ran past for the false idol or broken promise. it knows how i think what i process and what i feel. what an interesting thing you know... people will be here and there always as they have been, open the door, close the door, i'm still here. awaiting, sitting, being, but maybe most of all contemplating. it's been solong since we've sat and danced. since we've gotten up and sun, since we've even had much to write. hrm. we should do this a bit more often. blank pages meant to full with life blank pages meant to see what blood was made fore, to drip from a knife. lets reasituate, lets contemplate. why we've done this why we exist, is this an age? is this a phase? is this why we are who we are? tisn't a time to ask, tis a time to wonder silent answers screaming questions of dour. i've forgotten already, but i never really know, no i suppose. let it flow, they say it's good for you, some times it may even be beautiful. let the ink stain, let the words flow, and let the mind think, lets abstain. abstinance can be beauty when the time comes to see what never been seen, it'll be lovely...
ok there are a massive amount of typos in there but i refuse to go fix them right now. i'm a lazy bum.
listening to morrissey, love this guy. seriously, love em. i need to get away from texas.
oh yes, i've forgotten to mention a little plan of mine. actually an action. i had a conversation with my dad and he mentioned the fact that i talk like a drug addict. ok, yes i admit i do. i mumble my words and have them slur to inchorency, half because i dont really want people to hear me and half because it's easier than having to articulate my self. but just the sheer fact that he would say it so blatently to my face, You talk like a damn drug addict. hrm. i took a look at my self and i dont really want to come off as a drug addict. i've passed that stage. and it made me think about this teacher who had pulled me aside one day and told me, "you are not stupid, why is it that you have ceased to talk intelligently? i know you have a brain in there turn it on and stop talking like your so dumb" and at the time i decided that her advice wasn't worth listening to and i went on talking as i will, how incoherent as it may be. but now i see it and i've decided to heed the advice and make the change. i kind of enjoy articulating my self again. just being able to use words that i havn't used in a while, like, problematic, assement. shit like that. i'm looking forward to this trip where i can exercise my new found skills. haha.
we leave on friday. its monday, i'm stoked.
it's a good day.
good times. good life.
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