Tuesday. 5.30.06 10:24 am
Body: (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss
Question: If you could live forever, would you and
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to
death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Sunday. 5.28.06 10:51 am
I finally figured out what i did wrong and now my weblog looks damn tootin' SPIFFY!!!! It was all for the lack of one stupid ---> } <--- that i left out of the code... well now i've got it figured out and damn it... this looks COOL!! When i first started here... I never thought I would stick around.. much less teach myself the basics of CSS and a little more. I am so darn proud of myself.
I have one more thing to test..What happens when i add an image to my entry and it's bigger than the space allowed... and i think i'm done!!!
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Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
he Intenal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a
synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the
Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do...with the
crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs,
we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them
to the Internal Revenue Service."
"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about
once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
I went into the 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk just farted and gave me a receipt.
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a
few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.
Two Iranian spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy quickly whispers in
his ear: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."
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