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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Monday, February 25, 2013
I've been listening to a lot of Jonathan Coulton songs lately. I sort my iTunes library by date added, and most of the ones at the top (meaning new additions) are by him.

9 out of my 15 newest additions are by him, actually. Did not realize just how many I had added until just now.

I'm spamming my ears with Artificial Heart.

His newest album is... really... poppy? (Pop-y?) That kind of turned me off it at first but I really like a couple of the songs.

I love the themes he writes into his songs. With a lot artists I might like just their music and not feel strongly about the lyrics, or vice versa. Got a good thing going here, though.

Here's my other favorite from the album, Glasses:

Gotta go to school now. I need to start sleeping more... I've been sleep deprived for awhile now and it's... not doing good things for my mood.

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Oh no :C
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I missed an entry...

My boyfriend stayed over Friday night and I spent the whole day with him, so I didn't go on the computer at any point.

I was doing so well, too. D':

But I'm not surprised I forgot. I was really tired yesterday, and I spent over two and a half hours waiting for him to fix a friend of a friend's laptop in a Starbucks.

By the time he had finished I had basically lost all motivation to do anything and he felt really bad for taking me along with him.

We downloaded Amber: Journeys Beyond onto his computer last night and were playing it until we fell asleep. The game really scared me when I was little, and I was remembering that while we played. Scenes from it have been popping into my memory lately though, so I wanted to replay it for... nostalgia's sake, I guess.

Man, I am really disappointed that I missed a day.

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It did make a difference
Friday, February 22, 2013
2013 will be my eighth year on Nutang. Wow.

I was trying to think of why I've kept up blogging for so long. I think that, out of the people here, I am one of the people who has tended to share more... personal details more often. Nowadays I do a lot more simple external happenings stuff instead of internal contemplations, but still.

I've been reading through old journals tonight. I found an entry from 2008 that elaborates a little on the subject of blogging:

{I like it when people think of me. Not like, "I got this for you," but "I was thinking of this joke you told" or "it reminded me of that thing you did." When other people verify my existence, whatever meager importance I have, it makes me feel better. I know my life isn't just some worthless thing that people dismiss as soon as I'm out of sight. They indirectly tell me that I actually make an impression on them... And I really am cheered up.

Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. Even when I'm not around, people will comment. Sometimes they even quote me. It's the little things like this that keep me from coming home and crying. Knowing people care...}

High school was a bit rough for me, not externally but internally, due to depression... I couldn't remember what happiness felt like and resigned myself to a life without it, constantly berated myself privately for every flaw I could find (and there were a lot), and often felt unable to really connect with my peers (a normal problem, I imagine).

I turned to the emo subculture to try to find people who could relate to me. I just wanted to identify with some group so I wouldn't feel like I was facing my emotional issues alone. Though I don't really consider it bullying, I did get made fun of a bit for trying to align myself with what I perceived as the emo lifestyle. I think that at the time, I didn't really understand that there were people who were depressed but not emo.

2007-2008 looks like it was where things got darkest. That would have been my junior year, which makes sense. In 2005 my entries were excited and focused on crushes. By 2008 a lot had changed in me. I guess I had matured somewhat, for one, but depression had also taken over my life and become a core element of my personality. It was always in the back of my mind and I couldn't separate my identity from it. I was also depersonalized/derealized at the time, although I didn't know it at the time. I just knew things didn't feel real, and I didn't feel real.

Even though I do remember having some of these thoughts, when I read my old entries, I can't help but marvel at just how bad it was sometimes. I know I did blog about some of it, but there is a limit to how personal I will get on here.

I'm extremely sleepy, and I think that's just making me nostalgic in a weird way.

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A day of birthdays -Edited-
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Can't remember if I've shared this song before
Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Have been listening to Charade by Henry Mancini on and off today.

When we played our charade
We were like children posing
Playing at games, acting out names
Guessing the parts we played

Oh what a hit we made
We came on next to closing
Best on the bill, lovers until
Love left the masquerade

Fate seemed to pull the strings
I turned and you were gone
While from the darkened wings
The music box played on

Sad little serenade
Song of my heart's composing
I hear it still, I always will
Best on the bill


My boyfriend is feeling depressed and wants to be alone. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except I'm also feeling kind of down and want to talk to him.

I guess I'll just play Sims 3 more instead.

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12:12 AM
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I got Book One of Cucumber Quest in the mail today. It is a very beautiful book, I must say. I'm not sure I've been so taken with any of the others in my collection.

Very rich colors on the cover, and the pages are sturdy and glossy.

Quite a contrast to say, Bayou, which was printed on terribly cheap, low quality paper. The kind of paper they print grocery ads on. And I don't mean Target grocery ads that are white and shiny, I mean absolutely the cheapest paper you can get.

Going to go to sleep now to hopefully not be incredibly sleep deprived again. I had the worst time trying to comprehend the lecture in my math class today because of that (although, to my great joy, he delayed the math exam we were going to have until Thursday).

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Oh, 3
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
It is 3... 3:01 AM.


Oh dear.

I have school in the morning. And a test at night.

Oh dear me.

I played Sims 3 for six hours instead of doing my math homework earlier today. I kept telling myself, "okay, just a bit more, just refill the energy bar and then save and quit."

Oops. I don't think I even started homework until maybe 9?

I really ought to be in bed. Really. But I'm not tired enough to sleep.



I used to dream of having a giant stuffed animal to sleep with at night, back when I was loneliest. Something I could wrap my arms around, that would get warm from my body heat, that I could hang onto just to feel secure until I reached a dreamstate.

Sometimes I still want one, though it's not a deep yearning like it was before. Not like a body pillow though... For whatever reason those things creep me out too much. Also not one of those creepy Japanese pillows with the printed on anime girls, or the boyfriend arm pillow thing.

Just a big stuffed animal. Preferably given by someone close to me.

This came up in a conversation with a friend, and since this entry had basically nothing in it I thought I would add it here.

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It's Presidents Day...
Monday, February 18, 2013
Probably one of my greatest triumphs today will be managing to transfer all my Chrome bookmarks over from my old computer to this new one. The internet did not help very much with that one. They're all "yeah just rename the file with a .bak!" That did not work at ALL for me. >:( Luckily I realized I could just show hidden folders in my new user folder here and I replaced Chrome's bookmark file on this computer with my backed up one from my old computer.

Saved me trying to add tons of pages over again.

Gotta do math homework today and probably write something for Psych. It's 3 AM right now but I'm on the computer because I've been trying to fix all my settings so they're the same as on my old computer.

Also downloading Sims 3 from Steam... Not sure when I'll get to play it though.

My emulator isn't working now, so I can't play Pokemon. :C

Trying to fiddle with the monitor settings because the colors that are showing up look awful.

Bleghghghgh this was a nice gift and all but it is SUCH A HASSLE.

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