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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Another term done
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Finally, finals are over.


I think I gave myself a white hair from stress.

On my 21st birthday I found two white hairs on my head. Since then I have found two or three more. They are always in the exact same spot and I pull them out even though you're not supposed to do that, I think. I am pretty sure it's just stress and not going prematurely grey, but I don't know if there's a way to tell for sure.

I guess for now I should just appreciate my hair. People tell me it's nice.

Even though I'm not a big fan of Tumblr I sometimes end up there because a lot of the webcomic artists I follow are on there, and through some sort of series of links I ended up looking at this:

19 Things To Stop Doing In Your 20s

I thought it was going to be really dumb at first but there are some not-stupid things in the list, actually. Pleasant surprise, I guess. Though... I think some of the points could easily be taken the wrong way... Like this one:

8. Stop being stingy. If you really care about something, spend your money on it. There is often a notion that you are saving for something. Either clarify what that thing is or start spending your money on things that are important to you. Spend money on road trips. Spend money on healthy food. Spend money on opportunities. Spend money on things you�ll keep.

Have to wonder how many people would actually be able to judge what's worth spending money on.

When I went to visit St. John's, while I was still in high school, I remember this banner in the dining hall that was supposed to provide some healthy tips for eating. One of the tips advised that if you want to eat, think about eating an apple. If you don't want to eat an apple, you're probably just eating out of boredom and not hunger.

I don't know how well that actually works, but it's stuck with me for some reason. Just that idea of... "how much do I really want this?"

For me, it usually turns out that I don't want it.

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"A bittersweet sentiment"
Monday, June 24, 2013
That's what Pandora considers one of the features of this piece... "a bittersweet sentiment"...

I like the idea of that, but then I wonder how many songs I would hate would fall under that category. I could see a lot of country music being in there.

20?- I was on Reddit under my chatroom username (I don't have a Reddit account in real life, for the record). There was some thread I commented on, and the original poster of the comment I replied to IMed me (on Reddit... which apparently had its own IM system) immediately after I sent it. He thought that since I replied to him, I would be up for hanging out. I did my best to dissuade him from that, but it just got worse. He assumed I was female and wanted to go on a date. I tried to give him the impression that I wasn't a girl without actually lying to him by saying "You can't know for sure that I'm female." It didn't work. Creeped out, I decided to go outside... And in front of my house, there he was. He was tasing a guy on the sidewalk (with that kind that shoots out? Not one where you have to be close). Horrified, I ran over and wrenched the taser away from him and, holding it by the um... cord thing... I swung it and smashed it repeatedly against the sidewalk to break it. Then I told him to leave me alone and went back inside. He was on IM again and I asked how he found out where I lived. He just told me that my (yeti) hat was cute. At this point I was very creeped out, so I just went to class... My partner and I were supposed to do a presentation in Psych but for whatever reason we had miscommunicated and she had done her own PowerPoint without showing it to me, and since she'd gotten there first she had loaded hers up. I didn't know what to say and felt very worried about my grade, so after class I tried to talk to the professor about presenting the PowerPoint I had made. He was old and grumpy and had a thick accent. While I was talking to him someone came up behind me and pressed against me and I, terrified, thought it was that stalker guy, but it turned out to just be my boyfriend... Only shaved, and much heavier. He kept trying to hug me while I talked to my instructor.

21?- I broke into a Persian apartment complex (it was apparently an exclusive community you could only live in if you were Persian, and the inside was very nice and open and they had big fancy rugs covering everything-- my boyfriend said that was racist). In one of the apartments, I looked around, but finding little of interest, just took a small black and white polka dotted umbrella. I left quickly before anybody could see me, but out on the street, I passed a Persian family. They had a little girl, and she was going to tell me excitedly that she had the same umbrella as me, but then she decided that the one I had was hers instead (it actually was, but I wasn't going to admit I stole it), so she followed me around and harassed me, telling me it was hers. She followed me across a huge barren plaza made of old wood-- it had that grey, dry, dirty yet bleached look to it-- and the sun wasn't in the sky but it was still unpleasantly bright. It was like being made in a desert made of dead wood. I just wanted to find my boyfriend's apartment so she would go away.

22?- Tour group or something like that climbing up a very long rope ladder to a ship in the dark sky... It was supposed to go to different stops, where we would sight-see and such, but the crew would intentionally leave people behind at each stop... It was meant as some sort of test... or something like that... I tried to stop it from happening by not letting people wander away from the group so they couldn't be left behind. Then there was something about a bevy of friendly fluffy squirrels at Disneyland and a passageway down into the ground where I was going to have to undertake a mission I might not survive.

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The ring/all my yes
Friday, June 21, 2013
This song is just... fantastic. And it was a free download. This week is ending well.

Haha, so maybe the title could be misleading.... :P

19?- I had been abducted by a ring of human traffickers. They kept me in a house in the suburbs and I wasn't allowed to leave or have any contact with the outside world, but they let me walk around freely otherwise. The ring was holding 11,000 girls hostage for reasons unknown to me, but only 7000 (or was it 4000?) were at my location. I pondered ways to escape. They left the garage door open a bit sometimes-- enough that I could see under it and theoretically crawl out. When I bent down to look though, it turned out to be too good to be true... There was an SUV with some of the ring associates monitoring the front of the house. They would see me if I tried to leave. I was afraid, unsure of why this was happening to me. I considered trying to escape by throwing something out of the garage door and to the right to distract the guards while I made my escape to the house to the left, but I realized I couldn't know if the people there were at home, and I had no way to make sure they were, and I couldn't risk knocking on their door and finding out they weren't there.

They took me out of the house at night for some reason, and I managed to meet up with my boyfriend at a small casual restaurant while the associates weren't watching. I knew I had limited time before they would notice my absence, and I begged him to not let me get taken back. Either I didn't mention it was a human trafficking ring or he didn't take me seriously, but he didn't really seem to react much until I told him I had no phone or internet allowances, and then he got concerned. Apparently that made it serious, I guess. He told me he would get me away and protect me, and we got into his car. I scanned the parking lot anxiously, looking for my ex's car (a black Camaro in the dream) because he was one of the associates... I knew if he saw me, he was going to try to take me away again. We got out of the parking lot safely, and I didn't want to go back to the house I had been imprisoned in, but I thought it was wrong to leave all the other girls there while I got away, so I asked my boyfriend to go with me to the house to help free them. It was very important to me that we not lose physical contact, because somehow as long as we managed to hold onto each other they couldn't take me again. We walked into the house and ran into one of the associates-- a young black man dressed in a suit. He was a hypnotist, and he calmly confronted us and stopped us from going further. I held onto my boyfriend's arm fearfully, and the hypnotist said "I'm sorry" in his calm voice-- almost expressionlessly, but with the slightest hint of polite regret-- and passed his hand in front of my boyfriend's eyes.

My boyfriend fell to the floor, apparently unconscious. I wasn't holding onto him anymore. Terrified, I faced the hypnotist by myself, and he started to say that he was going to put me back where I belonged when my boyfriend sprang up from the floor, laughing, and subdued him. Apparently he had only been faking being unconscious, and it surprised the hypnotist so much that he surrendered to us. We thought it appropriate to rob the hypnotist at this point, so he gave us all the money he had in his back pocket ($300) and said "Just take it" before softly saying something about how he was just trying to support his aunt with cancer. Looking at the cash (two $150 bills), I wondered aloud, "That's it?" The trafficking ring didn't seem very profitable if this was all he had. I contemplated, in confusion, what they actually did for money. The hypnotist said if we were looking for more money we would have to face someone higher up.

Me: I had a dream that you saved me from a human trafficking ring.
Boyfriend: That's because I'm a bad ass.


This has been up on Subnormality for awhile but I thought I would share it anyway:

seven reasons to maybe feel slightly better about things

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Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Pandora just introduced me to this song:

Day breaks around me
I've lost another night's life
Now it's as clear as it can be
I want you with me

Echoes surround me
Shadows of things that once were
They seem to say it so easy (it so easy)
I want you with me

Want you with me
(I want you with me)
And I need you by my side

I need you with me
My heart is pinin' for you
Soon I'll be back and then you'll see (you'll see)
With you I want me

Want you with me
(I want you with me)
And I need you by my side


My boyfriend's car's tire popped awhile ago, so I haven't seen him in nearly two weeks. We miss each other. Being physically with him reassures me a lot about our relationship. If we don't get to see each other very often I start feeling unhappy about things.


I feel like I'm on such a roll. I finished my paper and I'm working on the script for a presentation I have to do tomorrow... and then after that I really don't have much to do (except some exam review) until finals next week.

And then I'll be DONE WITH THIS QUARTER. And finally done with community college! I get a month and a half of summer before I transfer. And then... once I transfer... I guess it's nose to the grindstone again until I graduate.


Even though I'm essentially a straight A student (stupid A-s, bane of my existence) I feel like I've never really worked hard on anything. That isn't to say I haven't put in any effort, but for some reason I feel like... I don't know how to work hard. It doesn't matter how many hours or how much energy I put into something... I feel like it's not working hard. Even when I was having issues in Stats (math: my worst subject) and I managed to get an A- by the end through... studying... I felt like I didn't work hard enough to qualify for the categorization of "hard work."

It's just never enough, I guess. Not working hard until my fingers have been ground down so much I can see bone at the tips. Not working hard until I'm suffering. Not working hard until I overcome the certainty of failure.

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Japanese bird videos
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I cannot read any of the titles here. The Google translation of this one's title is

"Before rotation of the parakeet"

"Akiko-chan budgerigar which begins to dance while talking"


"Runrunrun ♪ lovebird"

Blue Q is having a sale... I don't need another paper lantern but I really, really want one. At least, in this present moment, I do. It will probably fade to apathy after a few days just like all my other wants.

So sunny and cheerful.

18?- My back was mottled with rounded scars from some condition I had long forgotten. The front of my torso was entirely covered with tiny acne pustules. I felt horrified and sick.

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Er... success?
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Researching for a project.

I find a book that has exactly what I need.

Bad news: it's $350 on Amazon.

Good? news: there's a different version with the same information for $129.

Better news: the full book is available for free on Scribd.

Not sure what kind of news this is: I'm researching psychotic depression-- not the cheeriest subject.

Sometimes I wonder if I've had psychotic depression. I don't think all the little superstitions and fears I've had necessarily qualify as delusions, though. And I don't think I've had hallucinations (would I know if they were, though?). I figure it would be something that my counselor at St. John's would've told me if he noticed it, or maybe the people at the Stanford study.

Anyway... psychotic depression is associated with decreased REM activity... and that's not something I've had a problem with, I think. Lately I've been taking a lot of naps and sleeping more frequently but for shorter periods of time, and I dream a lot.

17?- I was the sister of a fearsome old woman who was a Baba Yaga-like witch. We didn't get along well at all and I was hiding from her. I didn't want her to know I was in her house. I ran into the room of the little ragdoll girl she had created as her daughter and shut the door. The girl was about a foot tall and had black button eyes and was made of golden orange burlap, with a few pieces of twisted scrap cloth sticking straight out of her head for hair. She had drawn a door on the wall with chalk and set fire to its edges. An inventory appeared at the bottom of my vision, like in a video game, and I began grabbing things from around the room. The ragdoll girl was laughing maliciously at me, in the way that bratty children do when they think they can get someone else in trouble. "If you touch me I'll scream and then she'll come and get you and you'll be sorry," she sneered at me. My sister was coming toward the room-- I could hear her ungraceful footsteps tromping on the wooden stairs. I noticed a piece of chalk in my inventory that hadn't been there before and quickly traced a smaller rounded top door in the bigger door the ragdoll child had drawn and jumped through to a secret compartment on the other side of the wall. The girl said "hey!" but was distracted as her mother burst into the room to beat her. I listened to my sister yelling angrily at the little ragdoll girl on the other side of the wall and drew a waning crescent moon as a window so I could look through. The girl and her mother were gone and there was only a man standing there, looking blankly off to the side of where I was hiding.

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The Prince is dead, you'll have to pretend to be him
Saturday, June 15, 2013
16?- I looked at the sea across the beach. Sunset was almost completely over and there was just a lingering orange pinkness behind the cover of clouds in the sky. I looked behind me at the dark, clean, freshly paved road that led to the beach and it was night and raining. When I looked back toward the beach it was just dark. A car waited to my right at the side of the road. Another car was driving towards me in the darkness on the right side of the road. The headlights moved around as if it were swerving. I got into my car and drove along the right side after the other car had passed and tried to figure out how I could be driving on the right side and the other car could be driving on the right side as well if we were both in the right lane. I drove to a castle and went inside into a small entrance room lit by candlelight. A hassled looking friar told me the Prince was gone and I would have to act like him. They were going to dye my hair blond and put magic on me so nobody would notice the difference.

I kept thinking about the cars and how we could both be right. I tried to rotate the road in my mind and held my arms out, looking at them, verifying that the right one was right and the left was left.

When I woke up I realized the other car was just driving on the wrong side of the road.

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I forgot to title this
Friday, June 14, 2013
15?- I was at a party with Lucy and her boyfriend in a large building with two glass-paneled walls on opposite sides of each other. Her boyfriend was some white guy, not her real boyfriend. We went upstairs and there were big holes in the floor without any railings around them. I stood on the edge of one looking down at the people below, and felt dizzy, then sat on a couch near Lucy and her boyfriend and said "I like to stand at the edge of the holes, imagining what it would be like to fall."

It was night and day at the same time. I would look in a new direction and the sky outside the glass would be black, or it would be grey-blue.


For the second time in my life I feel trapped between two cultures and not really accepted by either. Not that I ever felt completely accepted... it just wasn't at the forefront of my mind for a long time.

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