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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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So, some elaboration
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I guess I'll try to recap some stuff to clarify what's going on in my life.

I was supposed to transfer to a state university this fall after finishing up at a community college. I attended the orientation, and the admitted students day, applied for housing, sent all my application materials... That's what I thought, at least.

The school was bad about communicating with me from the start. They don't send out any actual information in emails-- they send an email telling you to look at their online portal for messages in your inbox. So, in my inbox in the online portal, I had a bunch of messages telling me "the due date for housing applications/materials is ___!" and "the deadline for the writing skills test is ___!" but nothing about enrollment or whether or not I had secured housing.

(A fee for a bit more than $5400 just showed up in the portal one day. It said it was for housing, so I paid it, but they never informed me if I had gotten the apartment or when the move in date was, etc.)

About halfway through July I found out that I hadn't sent them a final transcript from St. John's. I was wondering why I couldn't enroll in any classes yet. (Instruction started today) That was my mistake, of course, and I take full responsibility for it.

BUT-- why didn't they ever tell me I was missing a transcript? They sent me tons of emails about everything I didn't need emails for (that is to say-- things I already finished and turned in).

So, I sent the transcript. And they finally let me enroll in classes a couple weeks later. But... whoops. Too late, all the classes I needed were completely filled up. I had the option of going in on the first day of school and trying to get the professors to add me, but that was definitely not going to be something I could count on to happen, especially with how impacted this school's budget is. Not only that, but I'm actually not allowed to enroll in anything I don't have to take to graduate, because of the budget cuts and the school trying to get people to graduate as fast as possible.

Plus... did I have housing? I didn't know. Nobody had the courtesy to tell me. They took my money and were completely silent about my housing situation except for emails about renting mini fridges. (No, I don't want a mini fridge, I just want to know if I got a school apartment or not, guys)

As you might imagine, I've been very stressed out about what I was going to do about my school situation for the past few weeks. I tried emailing and calling various people about what I could do, and none of them were helpful.

One of the calls went like this:
Me (calling general advising): Hi, I have a question... I couldn't enroll until very late, and all of the classes I need are completely filled up, so I was wondering if you know any ways I can salvage the situation?
Her: Oh, well, you should try talking to your major adviser to see if they know any classes you could take...
Me: Okay, well my major is psychology.
Her: Here's the number for the adviser: [number]
Me: Thanks!
[I dial the number]
Her: Hello, Sociology Department.
Me: Hi, I have a question... I was unable to enroll in classes until very late, so all the classes I need are completely filled up, but I just talked to a general adviser who gave me this number and told me I should talk to my major adviser about possible classes I could still take?
Her: Uh... we don't do advising until school starts.
Me: ......................Oh......................
Her: You could try talking to the director, she does advising. But you'd have to book an appointment and then you wouldn't get to see her for several weeks.
Me: ......Okay...... Well..... thanks....

One of the emails I sent got an auto-reply that said "I'm on vacation until September 21 and will not be answering any emails until then." (School started August 21, why are you on vacation until September???)

My dad was telling me I should still try to go to the school on the first day of class and see if I could convince some professors to add me. If I didn't have housing though, I was going to have to commute from home. I don't have a driver's license, so figuring out how that would work was added stress...

Anyway, we went down to the school and to the housing office, and the cashier there was like "oh, it says here you have an apartment. You should have gotten an email about that."


When I went to the registrar to say I wouldn't be attending the school this fall, the lady told me that I didn't really have to do anything but not enroll in classes... So, basically, since I couldn't get any classes to begin with, the school would've just dropped my admission status once school started.

After I got back from Hawaii, I remembered that this other school had been sending me emails about their undergrad program that they run through my community college (the school is a graduate school specializing in psychology, so they just rent out classrooms for the undergrad program). I applied to them and crossed my fingers, hoping that I wouldn't have to attend the school I originally planned to go to.

Instead of taking months to let me know if I had been admitted, they took a few days. And they were easy to contact and didn't make me want to kill everybody.

So I'm not dropping out of college, I'm just not going to the school I originally planned to go to. (I have so many angry things to say about that school)

The new school only let me know yesterday that I had been accepted, hence my uncertainty in my last post. If I didn't get accepted (I'm not sure how that would have happened, given my 3.98 GPA), I was planning to just find a job for the term and try applying to different schools in the meantime.

I think that about covers the situation. Those of you who read this wall of text, now you know what's up! :P

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Monday, August 19, 2013
Today I went to the school I was supposed to be transferring to this fall and filled out the paperwork for a refund from Housing and withdrew from enrollment.

It was one of the least stressful days I've had in the past week.

I'm not entirely sure what will happen though.

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Some pictures from New York 3
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Email from my uncle
Thursday, August 15, 2013
My uncle mentioned that he had a CD of some music that a DJ had given him, and I was curious so I asked him about it and he said he could link me. This is the email he sent:

Hi [RJ],

Here's some of Alex's work:


His most famous work is "Bells of Tienaman" which you might find on YouTube.

He specializes in "Trans" music played at clubs. In Asia, I think a lot of people take drugs and dance to this kind of music, even though drug dealing may be punishable by death in those parts.

Uncle ____


I don't know if he was told the music was called "Trans" or if he misheard "trance" but I'm fairly certain it's the latter.


I saw my boyfriend last night for the first time since I've been back. We went to see Elysium at the nearby AMC. It was... okay. Afterward you start noticing tons of plot holes, but I guess that's just most movies these days.

When the movie was done and we were at his apartment I asked him a bunch of hypothetical questions, like I used to do back in high school. We got onto the subject of what he would do if he had control over other people's hair (growing it, making it fall off) and talked about hilarious ways to use that power for revenge.

For instance, making someone think they're going bald, or dropping off one of their eyebrows one day and then making it regrow overnight but dropping the other one off, or making one of their nose hairs suddenly grow twenty feet long.

It was a fun conversation, and I think hair manipulation would be a terrible but very funny super power.

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Updates from Hawaii
Friday, August 9, 2013
I feel like it's harder to write entries about Hawaii when I can't show the pictures that would go with them. Gotta wait until I get home to transfer my pictures over from my camera...

Umm, I've gotten into another situation where someone is very emotionally dependent on me. I'm hopeful that nothing really bad happens. I think this makes the third time something like this has happened. Or well... third person at least. I dunno.

We went to the beach on Monday and there were a couple ducks hanging out there, in the midst of all the people. They were sand colored. I was tearing off bits of bread to feed them, but then one of the ducks jumped up and grabbed the whole piece and ran away with it. I caught a video of it happening... But... obviously I can't post it here yet. >_>

I keep having sorta nightmarish dreams. I don't know how to describe them exactly. Like... I feel fear in the dream, and I'm anxious and stuff... but the whole dream isn't like that. I usually think of nightmares as being dreams where the whole thing is scary. I guess a better way to put it is that I keep having dreams in which I feel very...tense.

Oh! I got some new shoes. Mostly I'm not that into shoes. I mean, I don't buy them that often, and I don't have that many pairs... (Pairs that I use, at least). BUT I was at the mall and I saw them in the window of a store and I was like "oh my god, I want those."

Here's a picture of them from the Blowfish Shoes site:

They didn't have size 6.5 at the store, but it worked out okay, because I guess a size 7 fits me fine if I'm wearing socks. So, yay for that.

...I have a slipper tan on my feet. Also a shorts tan. Less of a t-shirt tan than before at least, though.

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I wish I had kids
Monday, August 5, 2013
...So I could go to Chuck E. Cheese and not feel like I'm too old to be there.


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Some pictures from New York 2 [2P]
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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No One Does It Like You
Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I've been listening to "No One Does It Like You" by Department of Eagles and "The Sound" by Human Highway a lot in the car.

My dad told me about how my parents and my uncle went to church and there was a three year old kid running around punching people in the crotch during prayer.

"That little shit... punched me in the dick" my dad muttered, shaking his head. But he did look amused.

My mom talked about how if the kid tried to punch her in the crotch she was planning to slap him very hard.

My uncle said he thought that the kid was just brushing against that area by accident... "Until I felt something touch my balls."

Family time!

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