Listening to Cirrus by Bonobo. When I saw the music video I knew it had to be by Cyriak. He has such an awesome unique style.


This creepy forty five year old from OKC has been messaging me telling me he thinks I'm so "pretty and sweet" and that he wants to treat me "like a princess" and hopes my boyfriend knows how lucky he is.

"I just can tell you are a sweetheart, not just from your innocent profile, and purity. But your Angel like pics. I envy your BF, you are so pretty and sweet, I hope he treats you like the ***Princess*** you are."

Ewwwww. There are forty five year olds who are pretty cool and don't creep me out, but this guy does not fall into that category. What's worse is that he's supposedly not even trying to hit on me.

"yeah I know you have a BF. and I understand, but your a sweet beautiful girl. When I say treat like a princess. I guess I mean that in this case, as a sweet friend. If I want to do something for you. I hope you let me. if we get a bite to eat, I hope you let me pay, even though its just as friends. He is a lucky guy, I hope he knows just how lucky."

It weirds me out that he's inferring that I'm sweet from my profile, because honestly I designed it to be pretty sparse and not tell people much about my personality outright. My pictures also mostly obscure my face. There have been guys who have interpreted my profile as a sign that I'm bitchy, even. -Shrug-

Here are some pictures I took in a dd's Discounts, which I guess is like a Ross or a TJ Maxx but feels more downscale to me.

Look at these swaggalicious sunglasses.


Aw yeah what son.

(I'm glad my boyfriend humors me when I put silly things on him. He has very little sense of shame.)

The names of knockoff perfumes tend to crack me up.

I feel like they really weren't trying very hard with this one.

"Our impression of 212 Sexy Men"

So it must be 505 times better, right?

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I tend to zone out when I'm biking unless it's really cold and my ears hurt or something, in which case I focus on the pain and all I can think about is getting home.

Things have been pretty stable for me I guess, in the general scheme of things. Despair rarely comes knocking.

But even though my life is more or less going well, it feels weird.

I think it's just because for the longest time I've (consciously or not) considered suffering an integral part of my self identity. It's disorienting to be moving away from that. Part of me keeps expecting to lapse and be extremely depressed again, or even... hoping for that? Not because I think depression is happy fun times but just... it seemed like it made up part of my personality.

Maybe I've said this before. I think I have, in different words. I'm still discovering who I am without depression. (That's not to say it's totally gone, it's just the faintest it's ever been)

Still, I will admit I draw most of my inspiration from said suffering.

...Though the tiny details of people's lives interest me too now. That's good. I'm finding new things to be interested in. Maybe someday I'll be able to have passions again.

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I've been listening to a lot of Jonathan Coulton songs lately. I sort my iTunes library by date added, and most of the ones at the top (meaning new additions) are by him.

9 out of my 15 newest additions are by him, actually. Did not realize just how many I had added until just now.

I'm spamming my ears with Artificial Heart.


His newest album is... really... poppy? (Pop-y?) That kind of turned me off it at first but I really like a couple of the songs.

I love the themes he writes into his songs. With a lot artists I might like just their music and not feel strongly about the lyrics, or vice versa. Got a good thing going here, though.

Here's my other favorite from the album, Glasses:


Gotta go to school now. I need to start sleeping more... I've been sleep deprived for awhile now and it's... not doing good things for my mood.

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I missed an entry...

My boyfriend stayed over Friday night and I spent the whole day with him, so I didn't go on the computer at any point.

I was doing so well, too. D':

But I'm not surprised I forgot. I was really tired yesterday, and I spent over two and a half hours waiting for him to fix a friend of a friend's laptop in a Starbucks.

By the time he had finished I had basically lost all motivation to do anything and he felt really bad for taking me along with him.

We downloaded Amber: Journeys Beyond onto his computer last night and were playing it until we fell asleep. The game really scared me when I was little, and I was remembering that while we played. Scenes from it have been popping into my memory lately though, so I wanted to replay it for... nostalgia's sake, I guess.

Man, I am really disappointed that I missed a day.

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2013 will be my eighth year on Nutang. Wow.

I was trying to think of why I've kept up blogging for so long. I think that, out of the people here, I am one of the people who has tended to share more... personal details more often. Nowadays I do a lot more simple external happenings stuff instead of internal contemplations, but still.

I've been reading through old journals tonight. I found an entry from 2008 that elaborates a little on the subject of blogging:

{I like it when people think of me. Not like, "I got this for you," but "I was thinking of this joke you told" or "it reminded me of that thing you did." When other people verify my existence, whatever meager importance I have, it makes me feel better. I know my life isn't just some worthless thing that people dismiss as soon as I'm out of sight. They indirectly tell me that I actually make an impression on them... And I really am cheered up.

Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. Even when I'm not around, people will comment. Sometimes they even quote me. It's the little things like this that keep me from coming home and crying. Knowing people care...}

High school was a bit rough for me, not externally but internally, due to depression... I couldn't remember what happiness felt like and resigned myself to a life without it, constantly berated myself privately for every flaw I could find (and there were a lot), and often felt unable to really connect with my peers (a normal problem, I imagine).

I turned to the emo subculture to try to find people who could relate to me. I just wanted to identify with some group so I wouldn't feel like I was facing my emotional issues alone. Though I don't really consider it bullying, I did get made fun of a bit for trying to align myself with what I perceived as the emo lifestyle. I think that at the time, I didn't really understand that there were people who were depressed but not emo.

2007-2008 looks like it was where things got darkest. That would have been my junior year, which makes sense. In 2005 my entries were excited and focused on crushes. By 2008 a lot had changed in me. I guess I had matured somewhat, for one, but depression had also taken over my life and become a core element of my personality. It was always in the back of my mind and I couldn't separate my identity from it. I was also depersonalized/derealized at the time, although I didn't know it at the time. I just knew things didn't feel real, and I didn't feel real.

Even though I do remember having some of these thoughts, when I read my old entries, I can't help but marvel at just how bad it was sometimes. I know I did blog about some of it, but there is a limit to how personal I will get on here.

I'm extremely sleepy, and I think that's just making me nostalgic in a weird way.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Have been listening to Charade by Henry Mancini on and off today.

When we played our charade
We were like children posing
Playing at games, acting out names
Guessing the parts we played

Oh what a hit we made
We came on next to closing
Best on the bill, lovers until
Love left the masquerade

Fate seemed to pull the strings
I turned and you were gone
While from the darkened wings
The music box played on

Sad little serenade
Song of my heart's composing
I hear it still, I always will
Best on the bill
Charade

---

My boyfriend is feeling depressed and wants to be alone. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except I'm also feeling kind of down and want to talk to him.

I guess I'll just play Sims 3 more instead.

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I got Book One of Cucumber Quest in the mail today. It is a very beautiful book, I must say. I'm not sure I've been so taken with any of the others in my collection.

Very rich colors on the cover, and the pages are sturdy and glossy.

Quite a contrast to say, Bayou, which was printed on terribly cheap, low quality paper. The kind of paper they print grocery ads on. And I don't mean Target grocery ads that are white and shiny, I mean absolutely the cheapest paper you can get.

Going to go to sleep now to hopefully not be incredibly sleep deprived again. I had the worst time trying to comprehend the lecture in my math class today because of that (although, to my great joy, he delayed the math exam we were going to have until Thursday).

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