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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Feeling a bit bleh
Monday, December 16, 2013
It's kind of weird having nothing to do now, after school kept me so busy the past few weeks. I feel kind of bored and disinterested in everything. Tired and yet restless in a weird way... Like I want to wander around even though there's nothing to find?

I had a dream that my mom had died a few years ago and I'd somehow forgotten. I was very confused and upset and couldn't understand why I hadn't remembered something like that.

Also, my camera is not working. :C I don't know why, but it won't turn on. I'm afraid I might have bumped it too hard or something, and it broke. I think I'll ask my dad to look at it in the morning, since he might have some idea of what to do. Otherwise, I'll probably have to take it to a repair shop. I really hope it's fixable...

Oh, um, some dude on OKC tried to offer me money to "mess around" with him. It was pretty gross. I asked "Are you suggesting I engage in prostitution?" and he backpedaled and said "Absolutely not," but uh, he didn't have a very good excuse for his behavior. He said I looked like someone who had offered it to him before. >_> Suuuuuuuuure, creepy 35 year old guy with three kids, sure...

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Warm fuzzies
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Somebody called me a "beacon of comfort" this week. :3

But... he said that because he was talking about how he wanted to talk to me when he was feeling bad, and I wasn't online. So... :(

My last final is tomorrow! Awright!

I should be studying for it, but I'm... not. I'm also supposed to make like five or six dozen cookies, but... I'm not doing that either. >_>


Actually, scratch that. I'm making the cookies.


Aaaaaaand now my arms kinda hurt because I'm making a triple batch, and instead of doing it one batch at a time I just dumped all the ingredients together, and it's really hard to stir.

Man, I should really study.


Okay, I studied.

I looked at the Most Popular list on a whim and saw this:

Apparently the internet likes me this week. o_O

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2:50 AM and research daydreaming
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
I've been doing a lot of research for a literature review I have due soon. I'm researching the effects of different types of medication on geriatric dysthymia.

Dysthymia is a chronic, mild form of depression. Geriatric dysthymia is just dysthymia in old people.

I've noticed that there are certain researchers whose names keep popping up in the articles I'm finding. I think it's reasonable to conclude from this that these researchers are interested in the topic, if they keep doing studies on it. Following that assumption, I keep wondering what makes these guys want to keep researching this stuff. I've half-consciously been making up backstories for them in my head.

"D.P. Devanand, why do you keep doing studies on medications for dysthymia in the elderly? Did you have a depressed grandmother who raised you, and you always wished you could help her? Are your parents dysthymic? Is it someone else close to you?"

"Markowitz, apparently you're the authority on dysthymia... Are you searching for answers because you've had to deal with it and you want to find something meaningful that will resolve your feelings about it?"

In a slightly weird way I'm starting to feel like I know these people, and these questions are burned into my mind. >_>


Apparently I didn't notice a guy hardcore staring at me today while I was talking to my friend Alex. I was waiting for my dad to come pick me up, and this guy walked past me, and Alex kept watching him until he went way past us, and I was confused about why, then Alex said the dude was creepily staring at me (and then him), so he thought it was appropriate to stare back.

...There were a lot of commas in that sentence.

Anyway, I was like "aw man, I feel like I missed out on a fulfilling experience." I don't get creepily stared at very often, so it is a bit entertaining when it happens. As long as nobody tries to touch me, it's all good fun. :P

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Trying to write weekly entries just isn't working for me
Monday, December 2, 2013
I was busy with Thanksgiving and stuff, so I dunno, maybe that's an excuse...

For Thanksgiving I made my mac and cheese, as per tradition, as well as mashed potatoes and a kale and spinach pot pie.

My boyfriend is a pretty big fan of the kale and spinach pie. He said he thought it was even better than the mac and cheese. :P I was hoping I'd have leftovers from Thanksgiving to bring to school for lunch this week, but surprisingly pretty much everything got eaten up.

On Saturday night I went to a club for the first time... One of my classmates was a DJ at this event that was advertised as an EDM thing, which made it sound more like it would be a rave. It... was not very rave-like at all. It was fun to dance and hang out there with my classmates though. I don't think I would like going to clubs very often, but once in awhile seems like it would be alright.

Unfortunately, one girl's clutch purse was stolen, so she lost her car keys, ID, and $20. The security guards found her empty clutch in the men's bathroom. She only noticed this after I left, but the people in our group who were still there stayed with her until her parents came and picked her up/sorted things out. She doesn't seem too upset by the experience at least, so that's good...

More homework, ugh. Finals are next week and I've got a couple of assignments to do before then. Really ready for this quarter to end.

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Reverse rain cloud
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Thursday, November 21, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Oh no it has been more than a week
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
School is crazy hectic. :\ I can see the people around me in class starting to crack.

Everyone was studying at lunch today because we had a test in the next class. I didn't feel like studying (what good was it going to do me at that point anyway?), so I was just eating my lunch and trying to chat with anybody who felt like talking. I went and sat next to a couple girls I sometimes hang out with during lunch (I still don't know which people in the class are my friends... I guess we are probably school friends though?)... One was studying, so she didn't talk. The other just had a vacant, tired expression, and she just kept staring into space. She looked like someone who had been through a traumatic event. >_<

The guy who sits behind me on Mondays and Wednesdays, who is possibly my friend, hides his emotional state much better. He was peppy and smiling, but he was talking about how he wasn't sure if he was going to pass one of our classes.

And me... I'm just worried that I'll get something below an A in one of my classes. I have a borderline A in two classes. 95%. If it gets any lower it's an A-... So that's what's stressing me out, I guess. I feel like I don't really have a right to be as stressed out by that as I am, since there are people worried about failing. I don't know. I guess we have different standards. I know I want to go to grad school, and I want to have the highest grades I possibly can for that.

To be honest, I don't think the work we have this quarter is really that hard, it's just that it's all been piling up around the same time. This week we had an eight page paper due for one class, a seven to nine page research paper for another class, a math test, and there's another test tomorrow. It's open book, at least.

Blahhhhhhhh homework!

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Sickness and nightmares...
Monday, November 4, 2013
I feel like I've been having a lot of nightmares these past few weeks I've been sick, but I don't remember all of them.

There was one where I went into this huge cathedral that was very dark except for a spot near the entrance where there was a confessional, and there was a voice from outside(?) whispering to me, "This is a safe place, you can tell all your secrets here, don't hide anything..." I sat in one side of the confessional nervously, and the room seemed to grow darker. I could feel the darkness in a weird way... like it was closing in on me, just waiting for me to confess something. And I could feel a presence on the other side of the confessional, listening intently, as if I needed to open myself up in order for it to act. I got very scared and ran out of the cathedral, and as I exited into the daylight I became aware that I had narrowly escaped enslavement by a demon. I guess it was trying to trick me into telling it everything so that it could have power over me and bend me to its will. It still wanted to get me after I ran out, and since deception hadn't worked, it was going to send its minions after me... I just kept running, trying to find somewhere safe that I could hide. I went into my house and found that it was infested with (were?)wolves, so I left there in a panic. Sometime while I was running I guess a friend of mine caught up to me, and so we were trying to find somewhere to hide together. Well, she suggested that we climb up a eucalyptus tree in front of my house and hide in it, since they wouldn't think to look for me above ground. This seemed like a good idea, so I grabbed a branch to hoist myself up. The tree was like rubber and the entire thing pulled toward me with little resistance (this actually has happened every time I've tried to climb a tree in a dream), but after I let it spring back, it was solid. I started to climb up into the branches, but then I looked down and saw that my friend was just looking up at me, all fear and urgency gone from her face, and just smiling in a smug, somewhat malicious way. When I looked back up toward the upper branches, I realized why. Far above me, there was a valkyrie nest. Not good valkyries, though. These valkyries had completely black eyes and black skin that crackled in places, huge black-feathered wings, and long, thick, greasy looking black hair that clumped together for an almost dreadlock-like effect. They looked like they were made of charcoal and tar. They were also circling the tree I was perched in, and knew I was trapped. It occurred to me that my friend had betrayed me and must have been taken over by the evil valkyries so that they could trap me.

The dream I had last night had a little less detail. I was in a very large room made of smooth dark grey stone, on a stage that had been erected in the middle of it. Nobody was using the stage, and there were no seats for an audience. There was a little boy near me with his baby sister. He might have been three or four, and the baby was one or two. An old woman was there with us, and she was telling him about how it was possible to reach into a person's chest and pull out their heart to make them suffer. Hearing this, the little boy turned to his sister and promptly snatched her heart out, then stood there and observed it as it sat in his palm. I was horrified. The old woman seemed surprised too, as she hadn't meant that he should do it. This child clearly had the potential for a lot of evil. She stayed very calm and casual though, and smiled at me and told me that I should run far away while she talked to the boy. She was just trying to talk to him in a pleasant manner and make sure he didn't hurt anybody else... I guess she wasn't afraid of him the way I was. I ran for a long time and ended up in a neighborhood full of small hills. Every few houses there was another one, and the streets all went up and down with them. I kept going and going until I was hopelessly lost, and it still didn't seem far enough away.

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