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Monday. 12.24.12 11:07 pm
I'm not completely devoid of the Christmas spirit, but whatever amount is there, it's barely measurable.

Next year, I will not be alone for Christmas. I won't let this happen again.

I put on a front for everyone else; make them think that I'm fine and okay with spending Christmas alone, but I'm really not. Hell, right now I'm trying not to cry. Though I will probably end up crying myself to sleep tonight. Pathetic, I know.

Can we just fast forward and get this shit done and over with?

I'm ready for 2013 to begin.

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Fuck you very much
Saturday. 12.15.12 7:58 am
This is to all the jerks, assholes and bitches that have ever bailed, backed out, forgotten and just plain ignored your plans, basically fucking over your entire day, night, weekend or week.

Thanks and fuck you very much.

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Saturday. 12.1.12 8:39 pm
When in doubt, always use something vague as your title/subject.

Two days ago {or yesterday, I can't actually remember} Spenser deleted me from his Foursquare account. It was the tip of the iceberg, the thing that actually caused the hot, boiling water to overflow, but overflow it did. I was so pissed off that I gave myself the hiccups. The hiccups! Seriously?! Who gets so angry at something that hiccups are the result?

Apparently this is a new thing.

After I seethed for a while I was able to calm down and go back to realizing that the cramps in my abdomen were trying to tear me a new orifice.

Okay, so all this did happen yesterday.

I have been sleeping erratically lately because of the stress I'm allowing to rule my life. I'm negative over $200 in my bank account. Luckily I actually have food in my apartment and a full tank of gas to get me through until the next time I get paid ... on the 14th. Let's just say I'll be eating rather sparingly and driving hardly anywhere besides work and to the final 4 classes of this quarter.

Speaking of which, I'm coming down to the very end and I'm getting anxious about my final exam. It's a different concept and I'm not even close to prepared. On top of that, due to the financial chaos that's ruling my life at the moment, I'm afraid I won't be able to go to school next quarter.

This downward spiral has to have a dip in it somewhere right?

At least I have a couple people I can talk to about this. Friends/family who will always be there for me no matter what the situation.

I'm tired. I wish I could afford a vacation. Just a week to get away and not have to worry about every day life.

Anywho, I suppose I'm done for now. I really want to write about something good happening ... but I've got nothing right now. Hopefully soon.

Until next time NuTang. . .

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boring Friday {edit}
Friday. 11.23.12 8:21 pm
I went out this morning around 10:30ish to get some shopping done. I was home by 12:30. Traffic wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It was basically the same as any typical rainy day in Seattle. I drove to the one Target I know carries the laundry detergent that I use and I bought some other necessary toiletries while I was there. I didn't even look at anything that was part of the Black Friday sales. I just don't have the money for it.

After that, I drove back to the city and stopped at the grocery store. I've been putting off buying groceries for a week, so it was a now or never kind of thing. I bought bread, cheese and deli meat. That should last me until I get paid.

When I got home, I got my laundry done, took a nap and now I'm just sitting here. Being bored ...

I wanted to drink tonight, but seeing as how I spent most of the money I had on necessities today, I no longer have the money for anything extra. Oh well. I don't really care for drinking alone anyway.

I've turned my phone off for an hour. I might keep it off for two. No one is going to text me anyway.

I'm not feeling down, but I'm not feeling great either. This is something that I would be doing on pretty much any other Friday night so there's no reason why this Friday would be any different.

Meh, at this point I'm rambling. I think I'll continue watching Scrubs on Netflix ... see if I can get through the rest of season 1 before I turn my phone back on. . . That might make the time go by faster and make it feel like my phone wasn't off for that long.

Until next time NuTang ...

Happy late Thanksgiving!

{Edit} So I just sent him a 3 page text letting him know exactly how I felt. I know he won't respond and it definitely just killed any chance I might have had at getting to know him in the future, but I feel better somehow. I feel like I got it all off my chest in just that one text and now I honestly feel like I can move on.

And I didn't even need the alcohol to push me to do it. It was something I felt needed to be done so it's done. Doesn't make life less shitty ... it just makes it so that I can move on to the next shitty thing that will get me down until I deal with it.

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Moving on
Friday. 11.16.12 10:10 am
I text him after a week of refraining and still received the same empty response. So I give up and I'm moving on. I don't like having the unanswered question "why?" just sitting there ... then again, there are a lot of unanswered questions, but hey, that's life. This particular unanswered question will piss me off for a while, but then I'll get over that and move on to some other unanswered question that will piss me off. It seems to be a never ending battle.

The forecast on my phone has it raining for the next 4 days. I like seeing the forecast look like that. I do live in the Pacific Northwest after all.

This morning was a rather productive morning. I cleaned the trash out of my car, went to IHOP {complimentary of Jacob,} finally* got my oil changed, bought enough toilet paper to last me anther 2-3 months, bought new windshield wipers, a new headlight and got quarters for the next few weeks of laundry. {*It had been about 15000 miles since my last oil change ... I felt so bad, but I just couldn't afford it till now.}

The rest of the day was entirely uneventful. I've got laundry to do tomorrow and I might be hanging out with my friend from the north, but other than that, no plans.

I guess I should go to bed. I'll listen to the rain against my windows and hopefully my neighbors will have mercy and stay quiet the rest of the night.

Until next time NuTang ...

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Just to sit and stare
Monday. 11.12.12 5:47 pm
I need to go to the Sound at some point so that I can just sit there {or stand, depending on how wet everything around me is} and just stare out at the water. I need to lose time just staring out in to oblivion.

While I sit here and work up the motivation to go buy bread for the left over chili from last night, I thought I'd write up a quick update. Then I just sat and stared at the screen for 5 minutes trying to think of what I wanted to write about. Then I thought about how much nicer it would be if I was staring at the water. Oh, wandering minds.

I really don't like men sometimes. They're confusing and annoying and so damn adorable sometimes. It's frustrating. Especially when I'm attracted to one and can't do a damn thing about it. Or, let's just go with the fact that I shouldn't be attracted to him in the first place. Let's start there. Usually when you're attracted to someone, there's at least some kind of small explanation you can tell your friends, right? Yeah, I haven't one in this case. At least not as to why I was attracted from the first night we met ... way back in February. I've felt this odd pull toward him since that night and I can't explain why. It would be June the next time we saw each other. October was next and November was last.

Unfortunately, I feel it's going to stay that way.

I need to get over this attraction. It's not right. I've ranted to three people in hopes of that working, or at least helping dampen it. Nope. Not even a little.


School is almost out for the quarter ... again. It's weird how quickly school goes by when you only have class twice a week. I need to register for the next quarter.

It's finally become cold and rainy here. It's nice. My friend got me a $200 jacket ... that she found for $15. It's cozy.

I know that one shouldn't eat chili without bread to dip in it, but I think I'll suffer through. I just really don't want to get dressed and go out. I'll probably be going to bed soon anyway.

Alright, this scattered update was more or less so I could rant some more. If this attraction won't go away, then I hope something happens with it so that I don't feel like I'm wasting my energy.

Until next time NuTang ...

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