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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Dream eighty something...
Monday, March 3, 2014
I keep a list of dream notes on my tablet. It's not comprehensive, since sometimes I don't bother to record my dreams, but it has over eighty dreams in it now.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a tiny chapel, the size of a large bedroom maybe, the walls of which were all painted a bleak charcoal grey color. There was an arched wooden double door to my right that led out to a small graveyard out front, and ahead of me was a wooden table with benches where a couple people were sitting. There was no wall behind it, just an open space you could see overcast sky and dead grass from. I bought some sort of service or food and sat at the table, then decided I should give some money to the people around me. At this point I was a man with brown hair and a moustache and a cowboy hat, sort of like Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club I guess. My wallet had sixteen dollars in it, but I knew I could take the money out and close it and it would refill itself. Something bad had happened to the world and it seemed like I ought to be generous with my money while it still meant anything.

I went into the graveyard as the man, and then I was a different person, though he was still there. He had an axe and he was crazy, he was killing people, he was coming after me. At first I thought he only wanted to kill people with certain characteristics, because he was distracted by someone outside who was a server, but after he had killed everyone in his way he came after me again. I ran out of the graveyard onto the sidewalk, then into the street. He kept following me. I ran along the road for awhile, stopping periodically to try to catch my breath and look behind me. He got closer and closer, and it seemed like he wasn't tiring even though I was. I tried to run in such a way that he would follow me and get hit by a car, but the car that was coming missed him. Occasionally he would stop if I stopped, but if I tried to run in a different direction he wouldn't be tricked and he would cut me off. I did this a few times, and then stopped and tried to run back to where I had come from, but he caught me. I think he killed me.

In the future, a group of people (I was a different person, but in the group) got together to try to kill the man who had been terrorizing them for so long. He had killed many of us, but we resolved to end it before anyone else died. Some of us lured him to a clearing near the chapel, and we surrounded him and decapitated him. His head fell to the ground, and there was no flesh in it. It was completely hollow and filled with huge squirming maggots. They began to crawl out of the head and we stomped on them with a mixture of fear and disgust. The leader of the group told us it wouldn't truly be over until we got every last one.

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Valentine's gifts and other things
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
This entry is pretty late, but here are the presents my boyfriend got me for Valentine's Day:

At the Jack of All Trades Market, there was a bag that I really liked, but when I asked the vendor how much it was, she said it was $120. Way out of my price range. I was kind of disappointed, but I didn't think much of it I guess. Later, my boyfriend asked me how much I liked that bag... Turns out he drove back to Oakland and got it for me! Since he asked me, I figured he had gotten it, but I thought he just ordered it or maybe secretly bought it when we were at the market. (Oakland is ~40 minutes away from us by car, for reference. Not exactly around the corner!)

He also bought me a box of chocolates from the market!

They were made by a local person and came in two flavors. The heart-shaped ones are passionfruit caramel, and the crescent ones, which I ate all up, were cookie crunch (speculoos).

The gifts were very nice, but when he gave them to me he kind of just handed them to me, like "here, I got you stuff." He feels like I don't appreciate his gifts, because although he buys expensive things (which I don't ask for and have repeatedly told him I don't need o_o), his presentation isn't great... I mean it's nice to get things, but it detracts from the experience if the stuff just gets shoved into your hands and then the gift-giver stands there and stares at you expectantly. He often tells me what he's getting me beforehand too, so it's hard for me to feel excited with anticipation, because I know far in advance what the gift is.

This kind of used to happen with my ex. It would take him ~7 hours to drive to my house from down south, and I would be really excited for the first two hours or so. Then the night would drag on and I would get kind of tired and the excitement would wear off, so that by the time he actually showed up, I didn't seem to care much, and he would feel disappointed by my reaction.

Maybe some people can sustain feelings of excitement for a long time, but I can't. :/ Not if I know exactly what will happen, anyway. I think there has to be at least some surprise or unknown involved, and that's what the actual exciting part is.

Anyway, some other pictures...

Someone wrote on a wall.

I think this person tried to remove their bumper sticker, which seems ironic.

Cici doing her thing, being cute.

Romeo hanging out on the rope perch the vet gave me. He doesn't really come out of the cage anymore, for some reason. :\

He used to come out all the time, even when he was supposed to be sleeping. Now, if I take him out, he just goes right back into the cage... I guess he seems healthy, at least.

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The correct response [2P]
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Mostly pictures of food
Monday, February 10, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Things I have been doing that I shouldn't do
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
-Looking at pictures of pet cemeteries
-Looking at a website for a pet crematory
-Reading r/petloss stories about birds

I'm really just making myself feel worse. Romeo is still here with me, I shouldn't be acting like he's already gone.

Sometimes the sadness is overwhelming. Luckily it hasn't been too much of an issue at school.

My stats professor asked me today after class if I was going to grad school. I said I was probably going to, but I hadn't looked into it that much yet. He told me I had a chance to be valedictorian. I don't know if being valedictorian means that much if your class size is only thirty people.

I'm finding it hard to care about school. About almost anything, I guess.

I just realized there's a 'small caps' formatting option for this. The editing stuff doesn't work for me in Chrome, so I haven't used any of those buttons in years. Now I kind of wish they worked.

I have been worrying a lot about grinding my teeth. I don't know if I do or not, but at my last couple dentist appointments they've said a couple of my molars look too worn for my age. I don't wake up with a sore jaw though, so I don't know what to make of that... They said I could be clenching my teeth while I sleep, too, but it seems like I should be able to tell? Sometimes I wonder if the anxiety over the possibility of teeth grinding could end up making me grind my teeth.

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Romeo's hospital box
Saturday, February 1, 2014
The vet thinks it's pretty likely that Romeo has a tumor. They also gave me an extensive list of things I should be doing differently in taking care of my birds... For instance, I shouldn't feed them a seed diet anymore, and I should change their food and water daily and give them showers three to four times a week, if not daily. I'm also supposed to get them sunlight every day for vitamin D.

There's more than that, but I won't list it all here.

Romeo has to stay in the "hospital box" until I bring him back in eleven days. It's just a clear plastic terrarium, but I'm supposed to keep flannel in it as a bedding for him and change that every day. He doesn't like it very much in there. He's been spending most of his time pressed up against the side, looking out.

The idea of the box is that it's helping him to conserve energy that he'd be using for perching. I'm also supposed to have a heating pad set up under half of it to keep him warm, which they said will help him breathe. I can't tell if he can feel the warmth from it or not, since it doesn't seem too warm to me. I feel bad for keeping him in there, since it must be very boring for a budgie to be stuck in a box all day, but I hope it helps.


One of the squirrels we feed, Friendly, has been kind of weird lately. We're not sure what happened to him. My dad noticed that he was in the watering can in the backyard and thought he was stuck at first.

He got out though, and was kind of crawling along the ground and just lying in sort of a hunched posture to eat peanuts. It's been several days since he first started acting weird, but he seems to have improved a little? He won't sit up to eat anymore, though.

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Thursday, January 30, 2014
My dad helped me take Romeo to the vet today. They examined him and he was surprisingly compliant. Usually he gets very upset if he's being held in someone's hand.

The vet wasn't sure what the lump was. She said it was possible that he had a tumor, but she had never seen one that looked like that and she thought it could also be a hernia. I didn't realize how big it was before she pushed his feathers away to show me. She wanted to keep him for observation overnight, and said he would stay in an incubator for warmth and they would give him liquids to make sure he was hydrated. It was hard to leave him there but it seemed like it was for the best. I hope he isn't too scared. The incubators looked like microwaves.

Altogether, the cost of the visit was over $200. The actual examination was only $70, but the overnight hospitalization and the medication they suggested added on some extra cost. I was afraid that my dad would have issues with the cost, but he said that it was a lot cheaper than what the medical costs for a human would be, and that he viewed it the same way as when my grandma was in the hospital. I felt so relieved when he told me that the money was not an issue when it was for something like this.

A couple other people in my life, on the other hand, said stuff that basically amounted to "Well he's kind of old anyway, so it's okay if he dies." I guess that's supposed to be comforting, but it really isn't. And well, of course I know that I will eventually get over his death with time, but it hurts now. Maybe he'll be fine, though. He's always bounced back from illness and injury before. Maybe he's got a few years left in him, even.

I just want him to be okay...

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How much longer...?
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
I think Romeo might have a tumor... He has been looking sick for a few days now, and I'm worried. Tonight I put him on the shower door while I showered, in the hopes that the warmth and humidity would make him feel better. He seemed to like it, but I got a good look at his underside, and there was a big yellow lump there near his leg. :\

He'll be ten this year. I've had him since he was two months old.

Besides being very fluffed up, he hasn't shown too many signs of illness. His appetite is fine, and he's not particularly lethargic, although he's been a lot more gentle the past few days (the way he was before his accident). He's been a little quiet, but he was chirping a lot while I was in the shower. I just hope he's not in pain.

Even though I've experienced the loss of several budgies over the years, it's hard for me to accept that he's going to die someday. It's harder to accept that it might be soon. I have read about budgies living for months even after they've developed a tumor though, so maybe we could be lucky. Romeo has always been very hardy, and he's survived other things that could have killed him. I can't pretend he's not getting old, though. The average lifespan of budgies in captivity is five to eight years normally, and maybe ten to fifteen under ideal conditions. I remember seeing somewhere that someone's budgie even lived to be twenty. I don't expect that much.

I don't have much else to say. This has been consuming my thoughts and it's hard to focus on other things.

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