Pandora just introduced me to this song:


Day breaks around me
I've lost another night's life
Now it's as clear as it can be
I want you with me

Echoes surround me
Shadows of things that once were
They seem to say it so easy (it so easy)
I want you with me

Want you with me
(I want you with me)
And I need you by my side

I need you with me
My heart is pinin' for you
Soon I'll be back and then you'll see (you'll see)
With you I want me

Want you with me
(I want you with me)
And I need you by my side

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My boyfriend's car's tire popped awhile ago, so I haven't seen him in nearly two weeks. We miss each other. Being physically with him reassures me a lot about our relationship. If we don't get to see each other very often I start feeling unhappy about things.

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I feel like I'm on such a roll. I finished my paper and I'm working on the script for a presentation I have to do tomorrow... and then after that I really don't have much to do (except some exam review) until finals next week.

And then I'll be DONE WITH THIS QUARTER. And finally done with community college! I get a month and a half of summer before I transfer. And then... once I transfer... I guess it's nose to the grindstone again until I graduate.

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Even though I'm essentially a straight A student (stupid A-s, bane of my existence) I feel like I've never really worked hard on anything. That isn't to say I haven't put in any effort, but for some reason I feel like... I don't know how to work hard. It doesn't matter how many hours or how much energy I put into something... I feel like it's not working hard. Even when I was having issues in Stats (math: my worst subject) and I managed to get an A- by the end through... studying... I felt like I didn't work hard enough to qualify for the categorization of "hard work."

It's just never enough, I guess. Not working hard until my fingers have been ground down so much I can see bone at the tips. Not working hard until I'm suffering. Not working hard until I overcome the certainty of failure.

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I cannot read any of the titles here. The Google translation of this one's title is

"Before rotation of the parakeet"


"Akiko-chan budgerigar which begins to dance while talking"

HE'S SPEAKING JAPANESE.

"Runrunrun ♪ lovebird"


Blue Q is having a sale... I don't need another paper lantern but I really, really want one. At least, in this present moment, I do. It will probably fade to apathy after a few days just like all my other wants.

So sunny and cheerful.

18?- My back was mottled with rounded scars from some condition I had long forgotten. The front of my torso was entirely covered with tiny acne pustules. I felt horrified and sick.

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Researching for a project.

I find a book that has exactly what I need.

Bad news: it's $350 on Amazon.

Good? news: there's a different version with the same information for $129.

Better news: the full book is available for free on Scribd.

Not sure what kind of news this is: I'm researching psychotic depression-- not the cheeriest subject.

Sometimes I wonder if I've had psychotic depression. I don't think all the little superstitions and fears I've had necessarily qualify as delusions, though. And I don't think I've had hallucinations (would I know if they were, though?). I figure it would be something that my counselor at St. John's would've told me if he noticed it, or maybe the people at the Stanford study.

Anyway... psychotic depression is associated with decreased REM activity... and that's not something I've had a problem with, I think. Lately I've been taking a lot of naps and sleeping more frequently but for shorter periods of time, and I dream a lot.

17?- I was the sister of a fearsome old woman who was a Baba Yaga-like witch. We didn't get along well at all and I was hiding from her. I didn't want her to know I was in her house. I ran into the room of the little ragdoll girl she had created as her daughter and shut the door. The girl was about a foot tall and had black button eyes and was made of golden orange burlap, with a few pieces of twisted scrap cloth sticking straight out of her head for hair. She had drawn a door on the wall with chalk and set fire to its edges. An inventory appeared at the bottom of my vision, like in a video game, and I began grabbing things from around the room. The ragdoll girl was laughing maliciously at me, in the way that bratty children do when they think they can get someone else in trouble. "If you touch me I'll scream and then she'll come and get you and you'll be sorry," she sneered at me. My sister was coming toward the room-- I could hear her ungraceful footsteps tromping on the wooden stairs. I noticed a piece of chalk in my inventory that hadn't been there before and quickly traced a smaller rounded top door in the bigger door the ragdoll child had drawn and jumped through to a secret compartment on the other side of the wall. The girl said "hey!" but was distracted as her mother burst into the room to beat her. I listened to my sister yelling angrily at the little ragdoll girl on the other side of the wall and drew a waning crescent moon as a window so I could look through. The girl and her mother were gone and there was only a man standing there, looking blankly off to the side of where I was hiding.

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16?- I looked at the sea across the beach. Sunset was almost completely over and there was just a lingering orange pinkness behind the cover of clouds in the sky. I looked behind me at the dark, clean, freshly paved road that led to the beach and it was night and raining. When I looked back toward the beach it was just dark. A car waited to my right at the side of the road. Another car was driving towards me in the darkness on the right side of the road. The headlights moved around as if it were swerving. I got into my car and drove along the right side after the other car had passed and tried to figure out how I could be driving on the right side and the other car could be driving on the right side as well if we were both in the right lane. I drove to a castle and went inside into a small entrance room lit by candlelight. A hassled looking friar told me the Prince was gone and I would have to act like him. They were going to dye my hair blond and put magic on me so nobody would notice the difference.

I kept thinking about the cars and how we could both be right. I tried to rotate the road in my mind and held my arms out, looking at them, verifying that the right one was right and the left was left.

When I woke up I realized the other car was just driving on the wrong side of the road.

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15?- I was at a party with Lucy and her boyfriend in a large building with two glass-paneled walls on opposite sides of each other. Her boyfriend was some white guy, not her real boyfriend. We went upstairs and there were big holes in the floor without any railings around them. I stood on the edge of one looking down at the people below, and felt dizzy, then sat on a couch near Lucy and her boyfriend and said "I like to stand at the edge of the holes, imagining what it would be like to fall."

It was night and day at the same time. I would look in a new direction and the sky outside the glass would be black, or it would be grey-blue.

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For the second time in my life I feel trapped between two cultures and not really accepted by either. Not that I ever felt completely accepted... it just wasn't at the forefront of my mind for a long time.

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14?- Maze of grocery store type freezers-- those tall ones with the glass doors-- and jungle. I found a Pirulo Jungly and ate it.

(This is what a Pirulo Jungly looks like, for reference. It's ice cream)

I really want to try them but I don't think they're sold in the US. :C

I have been napping a lot and it's getting me confused with the dreams so I'm having a hard time keeping track of things.

I made this as a joke. It was my first time using Blingee and I have to say, it's harder than I realized to make pictures look really, really tacky.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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10- I was looking for my boyfriend but he had disappeared into a building I wasn't allowed into, I think... Then I was playing Pokemon and it alternated between being first person and third person/bird's eye view and I somehow caught one called Door Lash. I'm not sure what the transition was, but after that I was standing in a zipped up sleeping bag on a low stool in an expensive chocolate/dessert bar in a mostly closed mall. There was a tier of cake squares that looked really good, and I was hungry, but they were $5 for 2 and it wasn't a good deal. I tried to move but I just ended up tipping myself over and falling onto the floor. There wasn't real food for me to eat there anyway, so I left and went to find something in the rest of the mall. I saw a Jamba Juice that was serving individual sized pizzas, so I went to check it out. While I was waiting in line deciding, I noticed that they had pizzas with Indian toppings, as well as one called a "sriracha cream" pizza (the picture made it look more like pesto cream). I ordered that one and then sat down to wait for it, and two policemen went to the counter and arrested this guy there for some unexplained reason... Seeing that, a white guy at one of the tables starting harassing the black guy across from me and copying the police officers by twisting the black guy's shirt in such a way that his arms were incapacitated over his head. I helped the black guy get free and then yelled at the white guy that football was stupid and pointless and everything he cared about was meaningless. Then I left the mall and rode up and down a dirt path through grassy hills on a tricycle the same color as my bike.

11- I don't remember anything but hiding.

I'm not sure what I'll do about all the pictures in my posts, now that Xanga is going down or changing. I think I'll have to start using Flickr. I don't think I can upload all my pictures from my old posts to there and swap them out before the switch though... so I guess I'll probably have a lot of broken images in my blog...

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