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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Equinoctial again
Sunday, October 6, 2013
So I'm thinking about that story again, "Equinoctial" by John Varley. I mentioned it like a year ago.

For anyone who doesn't remember (and I doubt most would), basically the gist of it is that there is a space traveler and her protective/nourishing companion thing that completely envelops her, and they're totally connected and in tune.

I was trying to think about why that appeals to me, beyond just "they're so close!" I mean, and I thought of my breakup with my ex.

That whole thing kind of shattered the way I viewed communication and connectedness. After we broke up and realized there had been so many misunderstandings I just felt like it was impossible for me to actually understand anybody anymore. Before then I felt like we were always on the same page, connected on some indescribable level. I don't know if I can feel that way again. No matter how close you are to someone, your experiences in life have been, are, and will be different, and not everything will mean the same thing to you. It's impossible to truly see the world through someone else's eyes without being them.

And this is a problem for me because when I really like someone and want to be close to them I want to know everything about them. Not in a weird stalker-y way, just like, "we're so close we know all this stuff about each other."

So, considering that, being totally connected to someone in the Parameter-Equinox way seems cool because there are no barriers to understanding. Equinox is directly plugged into Parameter's brain, and they're just drifting in space together. Equinox surrounds Parameter inside and out. There's no loss of information between them. That's the only way I can think of to achieve total understanding. Too bad it's not possible (or if it is, it's not going to happen anytime soon).

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Open mic
Friday, October 4, 2013
I went to my first open mic last night. There were some really talented people there, which was pretty cool. There were also the kind of people you might expect to see at an open mic. Which is to say... there were some people who were not excessively talented.

One of the guys who went up to play songs needed a brief intermission to tune his guitar, and during that time someone yelled out "tell some jokes!" So... he told jokes about Obama. Dick jokes. Before he played, he also asked if anybody was having an awful night, and said that most of his nights were awful when only one person raised their hand. I think he was joking, but I'm not 100% sure on that. He refused to play until more people said they were having an awful night.

My boyfriend helped me out this morning at the nursery. Here he is holding the biggest baby we have (the one who also screams like a demon child).

And here's a baby with some odd helmet(?) thing on.

We weren't sure what exactly it was for. At first we thought that maybe the mother was just overprotective because it was her first child, but when she came to pick her baby up she had a little boy with her, so...... I don't know.

Lastly, look what I got in the mail today!

Awwww yeahhhhh. If you can't read the subtitle, it says "My life inside The Room, the greatest bad movie ever made."


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Personal questions
Sunday, September 29, 2013
"What kind of person are you?"

"What do you think are your most notable qualities?"

"What do you like?"

Man, I have no idea how to answer these kinds of questions. When asked about my interests I generally have to refer back to old lists I've made on sites like these. I don't really feel connected to any of those things anymore, it's just something to tell people.

"What are your favorite movies?"

...Let me refer back to the document that has the movies I've watched listed in it, so I can mention a few. I can't remember what I like off the top of my head.

"What's your favorite food?"

I really don't know. There's nothing that I can just eat indefinitely without getting sick of it. Sometimes it's hard for me to even remember foods I generally like.

There is this guy talking to me who just keeps asking me questions, interview-style, and it's kind of awkward. I mean, normal conversations shouldn't be structured like that anyway, but it's kind of worse because I just have no idea how to answer most of his questions. He asked me if I had ever used a programming language, and I told him I'm not really a computer person, though my boyfriend is, and he asked what kind of person I am, then.

Man, don't ask me that stuff. I don't know. A creative person? Something like that? I think I was a creative person at some point, maybe I still am.

If I try to ask myself who I am I can't get a clear answer and it just interferes with my ability to function on a daily basis, because then I get wrapped up wondering and it's confusing and stressful.

In a weird way I actually miss the haze of derealization that I used to live in, because even if it felt like reality was mostly fog with some solid parts, at least it felt like something. Everything is "clear" now, but in a really insubstantial way. It's just clear... nonsense now, whereas the haze used to obscure a lot of that nonsense or at least make it feel like the haze was the reason for the nonsense.

Even though I dislike the concept of it, sometimes it seems like the only way for me to go through life right now is to just not think about things, only do them. It's not even an "ignorance is bliss" thing... I guess it's more like, I have a limited amount of energy, and I don't want to use up what I have on ponderings that go in circles or hit dead ends. (I'm not talking so much about questions like "How can I be a better person"... more like "Who am I" etc. As much as I've thought about the latter in the past, it just isn't helpful or meaningful to me anymore)

My memory is good and terrible at the same time. I dunno what's going on there.

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Hard to get music
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Last night I managed to get the music from Dungeons and Dungeons, which I feel pretty pleased about. I had looked for it before, but that search was pretty much a dead end. Now though, I can feel triumphant.


My third day of school with the new psych program thing I'm in went well. I really like my math prof. He's very funny. We haven't actually started learning math yet though, so I guess we'll see how that goes... I'm just happy that I seem to be having some luck making friends. That's been a struggle for the past three years.

I would really like to make a few long term friends instead of these single-quarter-friendly-acquaintance-class-buddy type things. Since I'm going to be with this group of a few more than thirty people for the next two years, I have more hope as far as friends are concerned. So far, so good... It would be nice to be friends with some other couples so that my boyfriend and I could do stuff with them.

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Monday, September 23, 2013
That feeling like you finally did something right.

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Birthday gifts, an orientation [2P]
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Bonding and aging
Friday, September 20, 2013
I've been helping my brother trick people on DotA into thinking he's female so they'll be more helpful when he's playing with them. He says that he isn't tricking anyone and he isn't claiming that he's female when he asks me to say stuff into his mic, and that it's just a tactical advantage. It is pretty funny to watch the guys he's playing with get into white knight mode after I start talking.

We also had this conversation:
Him: There's this annoying Brazilian guy on my team and he's all like "Hello, I am Brazilian from Brazil. Brazil Brazil Brazil."
Me: Does he really say that?
Him: No, but that's what I hear.

My brother makes a lot of racist comments in jest. My dad kind of does it too, though to a much smaller degree. I think my mom is the only one who doesn't, actually. She says actually racist things sometimes, but not in a way that's meant to be offensive. Just in that kind of sheltered, ignorant way.

I think my boyfriend isn't sure if my family is actually racist or if we're just kidding. I think we're just kidding. I can understand why it would be hard to tell though. I tend to say some pretty terrible things casually and I don't always make it clear I'm joking. This has led to some of my friends perceiving me as that person who WOULD be involved with a messed up thing. Just your friendly neighborhood sociopath, I dunno.

The racist joking thing probably comes from my dad's being brought up in Hawaii. They are more casual about it there than they are here on the mainland.

Also, it's only 11:30 PM on the 19th here, despite what the date on the post says, but I guess I'll be 22 in about half an hour.

My birthday makes me remember this:

Obviously I have never been drafted into the army and it's unlikely I ever will be, but it's the general tone of the song that resonates with me.

My boyfriend doesn't really understand why birthdays are a big deal to me. He sees them as things where you have parties when you're a kid, but once you're an adult it's just another day. I, on the other hand, was raised with the idea that birthdays are special and to be celebrated regardless of your age. Not in a lavish way, necessarily, but they're something to be acknowledged.

I remember going into a kids' chatroom when I was about 13 and telling the kids there that birthdays were just reminders that we were going to die. I've never really felt differently about that. Now it's just that birthdays are reminders of mortality without a celebration to distract from that fact momentarily.

I wonder if my somber attitude about my birthday means I'm afraid to die. I don't really feel like I'm that afraid of death... maybe a little more now since I have more to lose than I used to... Losing time is a scarier prospect. Through the years I have often paused for a moment and wondered to myself if I would remember that moment or just forget it like so many others. I guess the simple act of thinking that makes me remember those times, so I have a small catalogue of memories in which I am in a particular place and thinking "Will I remember this years from now?" The earliest one is from when I was walking home from elementary school.

I don't remember the last time I truly felt young, which I guess is paradoxical since I am somewhat afraid to get old. Maybe I just don't want my body to catch up with how I feel.

When I really think about it, placing significance on birthdays kind of goes against other philosophies I have. My lifetime, against the timescale of the universe, is not even a speck of dust. My birthdays are even less significant on that scale. More than that, wanting a day to "feel special" seems kind of like... vanity. Over-inflated self importance. My feelings are contradicting my thoughts.

Maybe I just cling to this idea of birthdays being a big deal because the memories I have of being happy and feeling significant at those times are something I don't want to discard. A lot of my memories are of feeling insecure or just... not happy. I'm not sure why I don't remember more good things. There must have been more before high school, even if there weren't a lot during my teenage years. I dunno.

Two forums have wished me a happy birthday so far. One of them was a place I only posted once, when I was 14, to ask if I seemed like I had a phobia of confrontation. They told me they thought I was just shy, and I was so embarrassed that I had asked that I never posted again.

So much has changed since then... I don't feel like the same person at all. Then again, I don't feel like the same person I was yesterday, either. My sense of time and self is all... out of whack.

This post got really long and rambly.

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Oh I forgot to title this
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
This is worth a read:

Why Generation Y Yuppies Are Unhappy

This secret from Postsecret is kind of sad. I have related to the idea in it before, but I think there are people in my life who would be there for me if I really needed it. Well, I hope so, at least. My mom and I don't always get along but she tries to help me, so I guess there's that. She's going to take me to a tea room for my birthday... I've spent my last few birthdays with my mom, since I didn't have any friends around. Better than nobody, though.

Oh, and my ex knows when my birthday is, and he technically counts as a friend, so I should take back what I said in a previous post about my friends not knowing when my birthday is. Lucy knew the general time frame my birthday was in, but was a few days off.


Recurrent dream theme I noticed... somehow forgetting to go to class. I have dreams, not frequently though, that I've been neglecting to go to school because of some miscommunication or misunderstanding... Not much to interpret there. I think it's just related to that little nagging fear I always have that I'm horribly wrong about everything. I wonder if that will ever go away.


I've been dreaming so much, but haven't felt motivated to write anything about that here. If I keep a record, it's usually just in my tablet. I'm remembering now why I didn't keep track of everything that year I recalled dreams every night... A lot of them are boring and it feels like a hassle to record the boring ones.

I had a dream that I was desperately trying to find somewhere private to go, but there was nowhere. I went into a closet but it was suddenly a big room that had lots of windows near the ceiling, and I couldn't draw the curtains fast enough to not be seen. I think someone was following me... And then I ran outside up a hill with tall dead grass and for some reason I was naked and dangerous animals were chasing after me and a snake (or maybe a tiger?) caught up to me and bit my leg.

It wasn't really a good dream.

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