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I've been listening to "No One Does It Like You" by Department of Eagles and "The Sound" by Human Highway a lot in the car.


My dad told me about how my parents and my uncle went to church and there was a three year old kid running around punching people in the crotch during prayer.

"That little shit... punched me in the dick" my dad muttered, shaking his head. But he did look amused.

My mom talked about how if the kid tried to punch her in the crotch she was planning to slap him very hard.

My uncle said he thought that the kid was just brushing against that area by accident... "Until I felt something touch my balls."

Family time!

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At some point I think I finally internalized the idea that life is truly meaningless, after struggling with it for so long, and it didn't seem like such a bad thing anymore. It seemed like a great thing, actually. It felt like a huge moment of clarity. It felt freeing. It was a relief. It was peace.

But then problems started coming up. Not... internally, not that, really. But with other people.

Often when people talk to me now I find myself holding back from telling them that life is meaningless and none of it matters anyway. And this is a bad thing and it's a good thing and it's a neutral thing. When people tell me bad things I want to tell them that they don't need to worry about their problems because none of it really makes a difference in the grand scheme of things, like they'll feel better if they realize life is meaningless.

And when people tell me good things sometimes I want to say that those things also don't matter for the same reasons.

I don't want to be a buzzkill and rain on people's parades. I don't want to trivialize their problems. This attitude... it's almost like I want to "share the good news" in a way.

I'm not sure if I'm deluded or depressed or what's going on with me. I was going to write this entry about how I think these things sometimes, and then I paused and wondered why I have this urge to talk to people that way, and I thought that it must be because I've internalized the idea of life being meaningless.

And... I feel good about that. It wipes away all of the existential stress I had before and I feel like I don't have to always be trying to find out what things mean or why things happen.

But at the same time I feel like I'm becoming a bland person and I don't know if that's related to this or if it's a side effect of depression or if I don't have a lot going on in my life or what.

I still think about when I was 17 and I felt like I had so many thoughts that it was too much to bear, so I wrote as much as I could out to drain my mind. It really feels like I exhausted my supply of thoughts in a weird way, so now all I ever get is a trickle. Like my mind is a reservoir and it flooded the dams once and there's been a drought ever since it emptied itself...

Despite everything else it seems like the idea of having these things in limited quantities is a superstition that just won't leave me.

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I uploaded my pictures from the New York trip before I left for Hawaii so I could post them while I'm here. There are 46, so I figured I'd do it in sets.

Here's a page from Skymall.

"The best solution for dog and cat anxiety, guaranteed!"

This is the Fox News store at the airport in Houston (I think?) that we had a layover at.


We got there around 6 PM on the first day and took public transit to get to our hotel. After taking one bus we decided to get dinner at this Korean/Japanese place. We were pretty excited to finally be in New York. :P


The typical spread that comes with Korean food, along with my boyfriend's sushi.


Waiting in the subway for the train...


And this is at the Port Authority Bus Terminal (I think that's what it was called?)...

We got lost trying to figure out where to go at first, but a guy helped us... for some money. He was looking around for people who needed directions so he could ask for some money to get enough for bus fare.

While there, we realized that the bus service didn't run all night... which meant that if we planned to only use public transit, we would have to watch the time carefully and never be out too late.


On the bus to New Jersey, Google Maps told us to get off at this certain street and then walk to our hotel... well, we passed the street where it told us to get off and we both thought the bus was going to just stop when we needed it to... We didn't realize we had to signal the driver to stop. Well, we ended up riding around on that bus for quite a long time, and it was getting later and later and we were going through neighborhoods that looked more and more unsafe. I was getting very worried, because we were clearly very far away from the Newark Airport, which is near where our hotel was. Eventually my boyfriend got up to talk to the driver about where we were supposed to get off, and the driver told us we had passed that a long time ago and to just stay on the bus. After some more time, the driver stopped and had a break, and he told us that Google Maps had given us very bad directions (it had apparently told us to cross a highway), and that we would get run over if we stopped where it told us to and walked to the hotel. He said he would take us back to the airport and we could take a shuttle to our hotel. He also said that if we were in an unfamiliar area we should tell the bus drivers where we needed to go so they would know where to stop. Overall he was very friendly, and we were very grateful to him.

At the airport, he dropped us off in an area that didn't have any obvious shuttle stops. We did see a Marriott sign near some construction and hoped that it was our Marriott (since there were four or five nearby). When the shuttle came, it turned out that it wasn't our Marriott after all, but the shuttle driver was extremely nice and told us to just get on and he'd take us to where we needed to wait for our shuttle. He was such a friendly, upbeat guy, I felt a lot better.

By the time we got to our hotel it was almost midnight. After the several hours of stress it took to get us there, my boyfriend decided that public transit was not worth it and he just rented a car. We picked it up from the Newark Airport Hertz in the morning and just drove to Hoboken every morning for the rest of the trip and parked there, then used the PATH train to go to New York.

I'll post the picture of my meetup with ikimashokie in the next entry.

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Welp, I'll be in Hawaii tomorrow.

Er... today. I guess it's already Monday.

My mom booked the tickets so that we'll be there for a month. :|

I know a lot of people get all excited about the idea of going to Hawaii, but really, it's pretty much just a family visit for me. I like seeing my family and all but a month is a long time. It's not like I'm getting to stay in a fancy hotel and hitting a bunch of hot spots. I usually spend my time watching TV with my uncle and napping and surfing the internet. More or less what I would do at home, minus the TV.

Anybody want a postcard?

---Edit---

I have been having interesting dreams but I don't really have a desire to record them, for the most part. They've been featuring some urban, New York-esque elements. One of them was highly disturbing to me, which seems unusual. Normally I don't feel too disturbed within dreams, or if I do, the feeling fades after it's over. I still feel fairly disturbed by that dream, even though I can't put my finger on what exactly is so disturbing about it.

I was exploring a narrow, desolate city... I don't know if desolate is even the right way to describe it... Things were dirty and in some disrepair, but there were a few people wandering around. I just didn't see them for the most part. Areas of the city were flooded and it seemed like there were hardly any doors leading out to the street, which was just as well I suppose, on account of the murky, polluted looking water. I had the feeling I wasn't supposed to be wandering around certain areas without some sort of permission. To avoid getting in trouble, I tagged along with a school group... The tour guide... or was he a teacher... was a tall blond man. He encouraged the group to walk down a path into a tunnel that was completely filled with water the color of hot chocolate, opacity and all. Doing so, he told everyone, would grant some sort of special power or knowledge... I felt extremely uneasy about this proposal, since going into the tunnel required total submersion and I didn't know what was on the other side. I held back, fear rising in my chest, while everyone else walked down into and under the water and disappeared into the tunnel. I got the impression that in order to receive the "benefits" of this journey we had to give up our lives... And that all these people were drowning themselves to pass into Hell or some demon place-- whatever was on the other side of that tunnel. Everyone but the guide/teacher and myself was gone, and it was just the two of us standing to the side of the tunnel entrance on the cracked, sunny asphalt.

"What happens if you go in there?" I asked, suspicious and anxious.
"I don't know," he said. "I've never been there."

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I am back from New York/New Jersey.

The last night of our trip we caught a show at the Gotham Comedy Club, which was.......... entertaining.... but also kind of awkward in some parts. A lot of the comedians seemed... very bitter. The majority of them talked about their breakups and problems.

That can be funny if done the right way, but... not all of them did it the right way. There was this one woman who was just bad. Her whole thing seemed to be "I have sex and I talk about it in a snarky manner, that's funny!"

She didn't get very many laughs. I got the impression that the demographic of people who would find her funny would heavily overlap with the demographic who buy those decorative tiles that say things that are basically "I'm a sassy bitch and I drink a lot of wine." You know what I'm talking about.

I have pictures from the trip, mainly of buildings, which I will post later. Also got one of my my meeting with ikimashokie at Mitsuwa. My camera is on the other side of my room right now and I am feeling far too lazy to upload stuff to my computer at the moment.

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