I woke up to a phone full of sad texts, which wasn't really welcome, but it was necessary. I'm not at my happiest, right now; I miss that part of me I gave him. I mean, think of all the time and thought people use on relationships. I think of all the time I used being romantic and surprising him (and man, all the thought that went with it), and the time used to be there for him when he's bummed, and even just being around when we wanted to see each other...

It's a lot. He became a big part of my existence.

And I guess that's why some of us feel empty when we lose people like that. Because they played the bigger roles in our acts.

But I think, overall, I'm all right. It stung upon waking up, when I had to think about it to really cast that sour realization onto myself. But then I got a text to look on my doorstep, and there was the paper bag.

And at first, I wondered if someone was turning me to alcohol in my time of need. But then I opened it up and saw a bottle of Fuze, surrounded by ice.

And it's my favorite type. :)

Thanks, Kevin!

And so now I'm back in the bonus room, chatting with him (no one else is on, really). I still feel sad, definitely. I don't really want to eat, or smile, or...I don't know. Don't really want to do much.

Maybe it's just time for a change of setting. Maybe this is the week I should go to New York.

-sigh- But then again.

I need to stay. Because I think sooner or later, we're gonna need to see each other and face what's happened.

-sigh-

I need a hug.

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...I know I wanted this relationship over with...

But now that I'm single, I feel this big knot in my throat.

I don't regret it. And I'm looking forward to having the next couple of years to get myself straightened out. I didn't like depending on someone else to keep me sane. I don't need that. Not ever.

I think what's worse is that my best friend is hurting.
And it's my fault.
And I really can't go and comfort him like I used to be able to.



And that sucks.

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