A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Think about it
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Odd comments [2P]
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Necessity, desire, and the bare minimum
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
I think I've probably written about this before. It seems to come up every once in awhile. I get tired of people telling me that I "don't need to" or that it's "not your job to do that," as if obligation is the only reason to do anything.
This tends to come up specifically in the context of being kind or forgiving towards people who have wronged me. I've decided to talk to that guy about what happened so he at least knows that he did something wrong. Some of my friends think that's a bad idea and I shouldn't even try. Stuff like "he doesn't deserve that" and "you don't have to be nice to him" has come up. The only support I've gotten about this is from someone who thinks it could be "cathartic" for me to chew this guy out for what he did. That's not why I want to do it, though. I think it's possible that nobody else will call him out for this kind of behavior, and I want to give him at least a chance to change by providing him with feedback. If he doesn't, then whatever, that's not really on me. I don't think it's my mission to fix this guy, but I want him to have the opportunity to work on himself, whether or not he "deserves" that kindness.
My kindness and forgiveness are not finite resources... I don't feel like I lose something by being this way, by acting this way. I feel like I am adhering to my values rather than caving to the social pressure to be more selfish and stingy with my goodwill.
I get not wanting to put in more than the minimum effort in some ways... that's pretty much how I got through most of school. This isn't an area of my life where I feel like doing the bare minimum that's required of me, though. So, yeah. I am willing to try to communicate with the people who have done hurtful or unpleasant things to me, as a way to point them towards improvement, not because I have to, but because I want to.
The pain and relief of feeling seen [DP]
Friday, March 16, 2018
What happened [DP]
Monday, March 12, 2018
No no no no no
Sunday, March 11, 2018
I got into an unexpected uncomfortable situation today, and was kind of scared about how to handle it, but I held to my boundaries and I feel proud of myself for that, even if I made mistakes earlier on.
Tonight could have gone much worse than it did, but I still feel a bit on edge. It doesn't really feel okay to me.
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Before my class today, I ran into a girl I was friendly with at the retreat in the hall. We caught up a little, and then she said "Ooh, he's cute" and looked at a guy standing down the hall from us. I agreed with her and then we talked about him being cute for a moment. She said he looked very friendly and approachable, so I encouraged her to go say hi to him. There was... lots of giggling involved, and then she pulled me over to walk with her past him. We pretended to look at the vending machine nearby while loudly making pretend conversation about what we were doing, then walked by him a second time and she struck up a conversation with him by asking what class he was waiting for. I am a terrible wingwoman, so I was unable to keep a straight face and pretty much just giggled the whole time, then told her I had to go to class and said goodbye.
Something about the whole interaction just felt so lighthearted and innocent and it was really pleasant. I miss giggling over cute boys with my girl friends. Nowadays I don't really have anybody to do it with, and I also find guys attractive so infrequently that it would hardly matter if I did have someone to talk to about it.
The words from someone else's mouth [DP]
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
The powerless and controlled
Monday, March 5, 2018
"Pap Smear" by Crystal Castles.
Repeat every word that you say to me
They put you to use or put you to sleep
I can't tell you the difference between
An embryo or a planted seed
So many shades of white
So many shades of pale
I know what you hate
So I do it constantly
So many shades of white
So many shades of pale
I know how to cut
A wound that will not heal
I was reading about Alice Glass's experiences of abuse at the hands of Ethan Kath today. It's horrible and painful to think of her going through that for so long, especially since it apparently started when she was just a teenager. I wonder how much she even knew herself without him and Crystal Castles, after awhile. How do you know who you are when someone else dominates your life for so long?
Did two gym classes in a row today, rather than just the usual one. I've been doing Turbo Kick with weighted gloves for a few weeks now and the gloves no longer feel heavy to me, so I figured it was time to kick it up a notch and took a strength class right after Turbo Kick. It felt so difficult. T_T My body is weak and sad now from not going to the gym enough. I know 16 hours a week like a couple years ago would probably be excessive, but 3 hours a week doesn't feel like enough. Tomorrow I'm going to try to take another couple classes, and they just added a new Pilates class on Saturdays, so I'll go to that as well. Should be 5 hours a week with those, and once my Thursday morning class ends this week, I'll be free to do something then too. Maybe 6 hours a week? That would be more acceptable. I could feel like I was getting my money's worth from my gym membership (cost would be ~$1 per class if I went to 6 a week consistently).
One of my professors lent me The Unsayable: The Hidden Language of Trauma by Annie G. Rogers about three weeks ago. I finished it last night, and I am contemplating buying a copy for myself. It is an emotionally heavy book, with some pretty disturbing stories of abuse in it. It's also been intellectually hard for me to grasp on some levels, which I'm not used to. At my last grad school I felt constantly frustrated because the concepts I was supposed to be learning seemed like they would be easy enough to grasp if I weren't dissociating all the time and having physical/mental health problems. This... doesn't feel like that. This feels like an alien world I don't know how to make sense of. I learn by connecting new material to what I already know, and I have no idea how to fit these ideas into my existing knowledge base. I want to return the book to my professor but I want to reread it as well so that I can try to understand it. Maybe reading some of the author's other books will help... She has one called
Incandescent Alphabets: Psychosis and the Enigma of Language that I've been eyeing...
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