in a sepia tone aww yeah.
Location: Mansfield, PA
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1927 Max Erhmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Strive to be happy.
Sunday. 2.27.05 12:47 am
I went home to sing at Chicken's dad's memorial service. I never knew his dad directly really well, but I had heard a lot of stories about him through Chicken and here's the truth: the man isn't gone because he lives on through Chicken. And probably Roy too. I am glad Chicken wanted me and Dan to be there for him, and I was just amazed at all the people who showed up. You never know how many lives you touch... damn. Chicken's going to be the same way. People who most of us never knew they knew him are going to show up to his funeral and tell stories just like that.
And my mom bought me a whole bunch of crap at Walmart again. New clothes woo!
Friday. 2.25.05 6:44 am
Jesus, I feel like Dane Cook. I just had one of those nightmares that scared me awake: I was dreaming I was in this room with a bunch of people and this one guy says "Check it out, a mummy's ghost lives in the fridge!" So he opens the fridge up and the door slams back shut, making everyone think that the thing was in fact possessed. And then we see some footsteps walking over to my area and a look of horror on everyone's faces as they say "He's going into you!!!" So of course in my dream I'm freaking out, and to add to my freakout, I woke up and all I could see is white. I quickly discovered that was just my blanket being close to my face. Plus, when I woke up, I did that leg kick thing, and I may be wrong but I think I heard myself moan!! MOANING. Frightened, not aroused.
Somehow the discussion always comes up in philosophy class about dreams vs. being awake and how some people think that we're actually awake when we're asleep; they say that experiences in dreams are sometimes so vivid that you cannot distinguish them from reality: yeah that's crap. I knew I was dreaming. It was just scary and I acted like I would if I had been, you know, attacked by a deranged angry mummy ghost from a fridge in real life too.
But the moral of the story is that I suppose I should stop catnapping when I get up in the mornings, lest mummy ghosts (or my boss) catch on and fry me.
as of today
Wednesday. 2.23.05 11:19 am
I'm a BA Music major, with an emphasis on performance, and a philosophy minor. Fruitiest major/minor choice ever? Probably. Do I care? No.
okay, so here's a follow-up
Monday. 2.21.05 11:16 pm
Yes, I wrote a very bitter rant yesterday. I was reading it and thinking about it and what Amy said to me about it and considering whether I should have shown some restraint or not. Amy messaged me and said that if I wanted to publicly humiliate her, I should have at least emailed it to her first and then put it up here, and that I basically took as her having her feelings hurt. I'm sure she will deny it if it's true, and think nothing of it if it's not. She also said Zach was just as dishonest as she was. But I thought that I might have hurt her feelings, which is against my belief that everyone should have the right to happiness. So regardless of whether it felt good to write or whether anything I said was true - which, by the way, it was true as I knew it, and that has been the same story I have told anyone who asked - I felt like I may have committed a moral wrong.
So I thought about it.
If Zach is just putting up a front to me and wasn't actually seriously apologizing, then what he said to me the other day merely meant that we are no longer enemies and he won't look the other way when we run into each other on the sidewalk, which is fine. If I have one less person on the planet hostile towards me, while it's not as good as being friends with that person, it at least gives me less to worry about. And if he's just talking smack, then how we are right now is okay because I don't need to be friends with liars. Which means that as far as what I wrote goes, I am genuinely sorry if I caused you any pain, but I am not sorry - nor will I ever be - that I told the truth.
Zach, sorry if you read this, buddy. I hope you were honest, and if you were then none of this will mean anything.
Sunday. 2.20.05 2:34 pm
Actually I was drunk last night.
So Zach stopped by my room last night and we had conversation over rum and Coke. It's nice that he decided to be civil to me again, since we were really good friends last semester. He apologized for being a dick to me and judging me on things that he didn't know what he was talking about, and that was certainly pretty cool. But I realized something about that then too: Zach never was the problem. Sure, he is incredibly impressionable/gullible, but who am I to pick on someone for believing what someone convincingly tells them? Who is anybody if they don't believe what they're told most of the time anyway? Nobody, that's who. And sure, he is homophobic - more on that later - but even that I am willing to forgive, given what happened to me just a couple of weeks ago. Zach wasn't the problem.
Amy, I know you're going to read this and get all pissed off and so I'll tell you now: save your breath if you're going to yell at me because I'm not going to listen anymore. The rest of this post is to you:
You and I have been friends for a good 4 years now and some things have been bothering me for a while, the first of which is this: you never tell the same story to any person ever. So let me tell you what happened last semester, how I see it:
You went to Japan and we had not been getting along last summer. I said something about a girl and Grant ratted me out, and when you asked me about it, I didn't deny it. You flipped your shit and broke up with me. I started going to a therapist. Then I told you I would try and change and be your prince so that we could try and get back together when you got back from Japan. Then you made out with that guy, whatever his name was, I'm forgetting. And those girls. And whoever. And then I made out with Lindsay, and you got mad and I wasn't sorry. I apologized for being misleading. Then we did webcam three or four times and Grant watched and you pretended you hated him because of all that and I don't believe you anymore. Then you came home from Japan and promptly got a crush on Zach. And then you told me that I couldn't date you and be friends with Lindsay, which I walked away from. Then you and I made out finally, and that was fun. Then we had sex. You told me you loved me. Then new year's happened and you got possessive again. Then you started dating Zach. Then you convinced him I was gay. Then you came to my room and held me close and told me you were in love with me and I said I wasn't. Then you started dating Mike.
Why on earth are you doing this to yourself? It's not even me anymore. You're killing yourself by doing this. I never cheated on you and I never wanted to. I never did anything except get tired of you telling me I wasn't good enough for you. Because you know what, you fucking asshole? I am good enough for you and every last one of your friends at Marywood and in Japan. And now I don't want you anymore. And I'm not sorry. You aren't going to make me jealous, and you aren't going to make me angry. So quit trying.
Tuesday. 2.15.05 4:49 pm
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