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New resolve
Sunday. 8.7.16 1:16 pm
I've been in a very weird headspace recently and though I'm sure I know at least one of the main causes, it's more complicated than just that. I've been talking about going back to therapy for a while now, but I've never actually gone through the motions of finding a new therapist. Due to the fact that this weird headspace has increased in the last week, I need to finally act on my words.

I'll be making the call tomorrow, probably during my lunch break, and I'll see if I can get paired with someone who was in the same group as the therapist I saw 4 years ago. The guy I had been seeing retired, and possibly went back in to private practice. I'm not sure if there's even a way to find out if he had; his name is too common to look up and get any kind of useful results {believe me, I've tried.} I'l be asking the person I end up talking to tomorrow, and then again to the therapist I get paired with, because I'm fairly certain the scheduler won't know anything. Which is fair; as a scheduler myself, I know very little about my providers' histories.

The strange dreams have started to increase again, as have the nightmares. Yet another reason to get back in to seeing someone. I'm far more stressed than I should be and it's making itself well known in my subconscious. I think part of the reason I've been this way is because my job may be getting to me. Well, not the job itself, but the fact that I have to put on a happy face and pretend like I actually enjoy helping the people standing in front of me. On the busy days, the happy face has to be kept on longer and longer, which pushes my patience. I liked the seclusion of the call center because I didn't have to pretend. I mean, I can make my voice sound happy when my face reflects something very differently. It's kind of a weird situation, though. I don't miss the job that was the call center, but I miss the seclusion. I actually quite like my current job, save for the lack of seclusion.

One thing I am incredibly thankful for is the fact that this summer is much cooler than at least the last two summers we've had here. It's only in the mid 60s today, overcast, with a cool breeze. It was like this yesterday as well. I haven't had to use my fans very much, and the nights when it is still pretty warm, there is enough of a breeze to make it at least bearable.

Maybe I should get back to going to the gym. I don't feel like it was making a difference, mentally, but maybe it was and I just didn't realize it?

Anywho, I'm getting distracted because the Blue Angels are back out to make their final run. Hopefully today's show is more exciting than yesterday's. It's still pretty overcast, but the clouds look to be a little higher, so maybe the people on the Lake will get more of a show. I'm staying inside today, just listening to the sound of the jets flying above. Once they're done, however, I'll be diving back in to my book.

Until next time. . .

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You get what you ask for
Wednesday. 8.3.16 8:25 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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So soon?
Monday. 7.25.16 8:11 pm
This will just be a short one, compared to the last one. It's nearing the end of July; we technically have less than a week to go. It's strange to think about the fact that we are more than halfway through the year. I'm excited for 2017. It's an odd year, and that makes me happy. 2015 was a good year. 2016 has been ... boring really isn't the word {since there's several things that have happened.} Maybe subdued is the word I'm looking for. Especially in comparison to last year. Last year was just about quantity, this year I'm more focused on quality. It's really gotten me nowhere but frustrated, but I'm holding my ground.

I think the only really big thing this year is the whole turning 30 thing. I'm not nearly as excited about it as I was this time last year. Or even really at the beginning of this year. I'm not nervous or scared or anything of that nature. I'm just kind of feeling indifferent about it, like I seem to be feeling with most things these days. I'm just a giant ball of apathy lately. And bitterness. Apathy sprinkled with bitterness. Lovely, right?

Summer is officially here; it's going to be in the 80s all week. Not exactly something I'm looking forward to, but hey, it's taken this long to get to this point. It means that there's only maybe a month and a half left of this and it'll be back to normal Seattle. Unlike last year, where I felt like I was back in the desert again.

Jacob sent me a thing earlier today that said "Your future self is watching you right now through your memories." I showed this to a coworker {the one who's wedding I'm going to next month} and he said it's very sobering to think about. It's kind of true. You look back on things that have happened in your life, and then you realize that 7 months, 3 years, 15 years from now, you will be doing exactly the same thing on this moment in time. Maybe not the exact details, but you'll look back and think about the events of 2016 and feel things. What things? I can't imagine. I'm not there yet. I'm not my future self yet.

Anywho, I'm gonna leave it here. Until next time. . .

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Uhm, hi there
Thursday. 7.21.16 8:38 pm
I didn't realize that it's been almost a whole month since I last wrote anything. I also feel, at the same time, that it's been longer than a month. Either way, I've been just as good with keeping up with these as I am with keeping in touch with people ...

Let's see. Nothing too terribly exciting to report on, honestly. I ended up stopping the 3x/week gym visits. I've been doing some random work out things at home, but mostly just being back to my lazy self. All last week, starting from the Friday before last, was like an entire fat kid week. I ate out almost every day, and I ate crap. It's amazing that I didn't gain more than a pound. I'm back on track with the eating now, mostly because I'm now broke.

I purchased my plane ticket for my VA trip this Autumn. I'm excited, but because I have trouble actually showing excitement for most things, people don't seem to believe me that I'm actually excited. I think the only time my coworkers have ever seen me legit excited about something was when I was showing them all of the roller coasters at Cedar Point, along with some of the world record holders, and my very first major coaster. It may have scared them a little.

I've been reading again. I finally finished the book I started a couple months ago: All the Light We Cannot See. It was good! I really enjoyed it; it was much deeper than what I'd normally read, even for fiction, but it is something I will likely read again. After that, I borrowed One Day. Another book that I absolutely loved. I actually plan on purchasing that one for myself at some point. Currently, I'm reading a book called Homegoing. It's good so far, but it's kind of challenging to keep up with the story line, as it jumps around generations. I'm looking forward to finishing it, possibly this weekend. My friend, who is letting me borrow all of these {except the first one named} already has a list growing of what I'll be borrowing next.

Hmm, oh. Last weekend I bought a nice dress for the wedding I'm attending next month. I still need to get something for the wedding I'm attending next week, as they are two very different themes, and the fancy one doesn't fit the beach one. I'm actually pretty excited to wear the new dress; I hope that I can have things happen {ie: dates} where I can wear the dress to as well, rather than just the once for the wedding. Who knows on that one though, as my love life is currently nonexistent again.

Last weekend I also went to my first ever musical. It was really entertaining! It was a comedic musical, so it was supposed to be funny, but I'm glad that was my first one. My friend, who lends me the books, is trying to turn me in to her musical buddy. I'm fine with going to the shows. It gives me an excuse to get out of the pod and experience new things. The 5th Ave Theater is also a really nice theater.

On top of last weekend being busy, I've plans for at least the next 3 weekends, with tentative plans the on the 4th weekend. I must make sure that I get some downtime during these periods, otherwise I'll have another panic attack; those are never fun times.

I'll try to write at least once a week, so that I can keep these entries a little shorter. I won't have to write out about as much. This actually turned out to be much longer than I intended, but I'm glad I did it. I guess it really was a good time to write. The thoughts just kind of flowed out of my brain and in to my fingers. Good for you if you read through the whole thing.

Until next time...

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Silly girl
Tuesday. 7.5.16 9:54 pm
"Silly girl, don't be upset that he prefers roses over daisies. You are an entire garden of your own, and someone someday is going to come along and fall in love with every single bit of it."

I think my garden has been filled with Venus Fly Traps, Poison Oak, and a Titan arum. Or two.

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Sunday. 7.3.16 6:42 pm
Well, I made it through. Barely. That last day was rough. Like, more so than it has been in recent years, so far as I can remember.

Iv'e been talking to this guy for almost 2 months now and it's ... I believe we've arrived at an impasse. We kind of keep going through the same motions over and over and it's slightly frustrating. But I can't just let go. I've let him in, and as my friend once told me "once you're in, you're in." It's like trying to pull out a tooth with a wrench in order to remove said person from your inner circle. It's possible, but it fucking hurts like hell, and you are fucked up for a while before you heal. But once you've healed, it leaves behind a nasty scar, one that always reminds you of what was once there.

I've gotten back in to the gym again. I've dropped another couple pounds, leaving me at around 8 more to go before I reach my weight goal. I'm sitting at around the weight I was when I first moved to Seattle. I want to get back down to where I was before I moved here, before I started gaining all the extra weight. It feels good knowing how close I am.

Yesterday's workout, I incorporated weights for pretty much the first time ever and I'm feeling it today. I did weighted squats, and some dumbbell sets. My back is only mildly sore, and only when I move certain ways. My arms are feeling it a bit, but again only when I move certain ways, or pick up something with a noticeable weight. My legs are what got hit the most. It probably didn't help that I did my normal cardio routine right after doing the weights. I'm sure that when you combine the two, strength and cardio, you're supposed to ease up a bit on one or the other. But what the hell do I know. I've never been trained. I'm just going by what I want my goals to be. I'm supposed to go back to the gym tomorrow... we'll see how I feel in the morning.

This weekend I was supposed to disconnect from everyone ... apparently that's impossible for me to do. I think as long as I'm not getting pissed off and unnecessarily upset at certain situations, then I can keep up what I'm doing. As long as I keep remembering to breathe. I did disable my Facebook for another week, though. That serves at least some form of disconnecting. I didn't really need to see what everyone was doing this weekend. That would have just reminded me even more that I have no life. As if staying inside, avoiding people, wasn't already reminder enough.

I cleaned a bit this weekend. I donated a lot of my old clothes that I hadn't worn in forever, or no longer fit in. I also donated shoes that I thought were cute at the time of purchase, but wore them all of once or twice, then never wore them again. The corner looks a little more organized, at least. It's not the deep clean I wanted to do this weekend, but it at least looks like I did something.

I finally went for it and purchased a Groupon to have some of my pictures printed on canvas. I've been wanting to do it for a while now, but it's super expensive, or the Groupons that they have aren't really highly rated. I found one that was decently rated, and the shipping costs weren't too high {since that was what I would have to pay on the website} so I went for it. The pictures came out quite nicely. I feel like they would have been better had I not needed to crop them down, or had I shot them with a professional camera; both of those are also super expensive, so considering my tools and the cost, they came out fairly decently.

No clue when I'll be writing again. At this point it's just kind of whenever I'm in a decent enough mood to make reasonable entries that aren't filled with a hateful rant fest. Those days seem to be far and few between lately ... or I really just don't have anything I really wanna write about. So I guess it's up to you to figure out which is the reason I'm avoiding writing.

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