Days of the year
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Tuesday. 2.9.10 8:34 pm
Two steps foward, one step back.
That might as well be the tag line for this year.
It seems like every time something starts to go even slightly in the way that i'd like it to; some other part of my life drops from the sky like an anchor and i'm back at square one.
I'm tired of feeling the way I've been feeling. I don't know if it's all me or if i'm being crazy or if i'm totally normal or what.... But there's just no reason that I should be feeling all of these things at the same time. I'm weary. I'm bruised. I feel so lonely. I feel akward when I shouldn't. I feel shame and guilt. I feel less than. I feel old. I feel left out. I'm suspicious. I'm jealous. I'm angry and i'm sad. All of this tide with confusion and some small sense of accomplisment and happiness sprinkled in there makes for a VERY emotionally confused woman.
Woman. Do I feel like a woman? Not a girl or a lady, but a woman? In all the ways that that word could mean? No. I don't. I haven't. That's a word that I want to own. That I want to be.
I'm at school right now. I'm happy being at school. Doing something. I'll be going back to University in the summer and then in the Fall. I hope to graduate in May. That's also when my friend Erich gets married. It'll be an eventful year. I'm ready for it. I'm ready for it all. I'm ready to help and be helped. I'm ready to jump in head first. I'm ready for school and for the people there and for everything else. I just wish I had done this right. I wish I had done this differently. I feel as if I missed out. I missed something, and it's nothing that I can ever get back. I don't plan on missing anything else ever again.
I'm ready for life. For it's difficulties and it's hardships. For it's miracles and it's forgiveness. I'm ready for the happy times and the horrible times.
I hope it's prepared for me.
a word in edgewise
Monday. 1.25.10 3:13 pm
All bills are up to date.
You have no idea, the amount of joy that simple fact gives me. :)
things have been good. I've signed up for the spring semester at TCC and I plan to follow through all the way. I'm only taking 2 clases. Spanish II which I dropped previously because of work and crap and blahblahblah. And Ballroom which - *squeel* yay! - I'm looking foward to with pleasure.
Work has been good. Well, I mean, it's been work. But, it's going and it's paying and things could be a lot worse. I'm simply waiting on my Income Tax to come in so that way I can do my taxes, send it out and get my return information so I can apply for fasfa. oh, fasfa - you hold the keys to my future - please be kind.
I think I've found the apartments i'm going to move into once everything goes down. *yay* They're cute and they're pet friendly and they have a gym. Plus, best news? They're biking distance from work. Of course there's the intersection of death between me and work - but what's a morning without a little dose of near death? Nothing, I say.
My love life has never been this stable. It's taken awhile and it's STILL not exacatly where i'd want it to be - but it's in a very good place. It's an understanable one and though of course we have problems we're working on them. We're also looking towards the future. I do'nt know if that's a mistake yet or not. I'm hoping not. I'm quite enamored - and I think that once things are in a good place the puzzle peices that are us shall finally fit they way they should have been all along. The mystery that is 'us' is still yet to unfold and i cautiously yet hopefully wait for it to be solved.
So, in short - life seems to finally FINALLY FINALLY be going well for ol' Helena. And she is happy. Quite content.
oh! and one of my best friends from high school just got married!! I was a bridesmaid and Elessar went with. It was way fun. :) Pictures up soon. :)
Thursday. 1.14.10 10:41 pm
so, first off - haven't had internet in ages upon ages. Got behind on house payments/bills and it had to go. But! with new job and weekly pay I'm able to bring it, and thusly NuTang back into my life.
ok - updates updates updates
Good! We had a change in management and it was a rocky start, but we seem to be on even ground now. I kind of love my job and the people I work with. Actually, Monday has become workplace bowling night. We meet at 9 to well...bowl, and then go to IHOP afterwards. We talk, we chat, we visit, we eat and be merry. It makes monday more intresting than my weekends.
Yeah, got REALLY behind on payments. But, everything is settled now. Which puts my mind at ease. It's nice to be so close to being caught up. Have a new roommate. Co-Worker. He's really cool. Mostly stays in his room all day and plays XBox Live. But, he helps around the house and so far is the best roommate who wasn't a friend in the first place i've had.
Is doing well. Nothing overly exciting really. My brother is having relationship issues with his girlfriend. She's his first girlfriend and I know how much he loves her but they've spent about a year apart from each other and now she may or may not go to Japan for a year to study Japanese. It breaks his heart. Since he's so wrorried about her and has no real direction on what to do with his life or school - he's been lashing out at the fam. It makes me sad. SO much mis-communication.
My best friend Priscilla got married this past weekend!!! yay!!!!! Elessar went with me. I was a bridesmaid. It's weird that all of this is happening. It's all becoming so offical. It makes me happy that she's happy though. She was on cloud 9 the whole wedding. And still is. :)
Well, the wedding didn't help. Still not dating. Still single. ANd you know what? I like being single I don't mind it at all, but i'd like to at least DATE. I am yet to be on a date. I'm thinking about maybe paying for a profile somewhere online. But i'm going to wait until i'm offically 25 to do that. blah!
Well, dropped my entire semester last semester. But, better that than taking Fs. BOO on F's. I may or may not take classes this next semester. We shall see. Probably this weekend. Actually, more like on Friday. I plan on going to back to Univeristy in the Fall on financial aid. I also plan on being graduated by either May or July. So, this is my last year. I can't wait till I start teaching. ^_^
yep - that's about it.
Thursday. 1.14.10 4:28 pm
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