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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Some pictures from New York 1
Thursday, July 18, 2013
I uploaded my pictures from the New York trip before I left for Hawaii so I could post them while I'm here. There are 46, so I figured I'd do it in sets.

Here's a page from Skymall.

"The best solution for dog and cat anxiety, guaranteed!"

This is the Fox News store at the airport in Houston (I think?) that we had a layover at.

We got there around 6 PM on the first day and took public transit to get to our hotel. After taking one bus we decided to get dinner at this Korean/Japanese place. We were pretty excited to finally be in New York. :P

The typical spread that comes with Korean food, along with my boyfriend's sushi.

Waiting in the subway for the train...

And this is at the Port Authority Bus Terminal (I think that's what it was called?)...

We got lost trying to figure out where to go at first, but a guy helped us... for some money. He was looking around for people who needed directions so he could ask for some money to get enough for bus fare.

While there, we realized that the bus service didn't run all night... which meant that if we planned to only use public transit, we would have to watch the time carefully and never be out too late.

On the bus to New Jersey, Google Maps told us to get off at this certain street and then walk to our hotel... well, we passed the street where it told us to get off and we both thought the bus was going to just stop when we needed it to... We didn't realize we had to signal the driver to stop. Well, we ended up riding around on that bus for quite a long time, and it was getting later and later and we were going through neighborhoods that looked more and more unsafe. I was getting very worried, because we were clearly very far away from the Newark Airport, which is near where our hotel was. Eventually my boyfriend got up to talk to the driver about where we were supposed to get off, and the driver told us we had passed that a long time ago and to just stay on the bus. After some more time, the driver stopped and had a break, and he told us that Google Maps had given us very bad directions (it had apparently told us to cross a highway), and that we would get run over if we stopped where it told us to and walked to the hotel. He said he would take us back to the airport and we could take a shuttle to our hotel. He also said that if we were in an unfamiliar area we should tell the bus drivers where we needed to go so they would know where to stop. Overall he was very friendly, and we were very grateful to him.

At the airport, he dropped us off in an area that didn't have any obvious shuttle stops. We did see a Marriott sign near some construction and hoped that it was our Marriott (since there were four or five nearby). When the shuttle came, it turned out that it wasn't our Marriott after all, but the shuttle driver was extremely nice and told us to just get on and he'd take us to where we needed to wait for our shuttle. He was such a friendly, upbeat guy, I felt a lot better.

By the time we got to our hotel it was almost midnight. After the several hours of stress it took to get us there, my boyfriend decided that public transit was not worth it and he just rented a car. We picked it up from the Newark Airport Hertz in the morning and just drove to Hoboken every morning for the rest of the trip and parked there, then used the PATH train to go to New York.

I'll post the picture of my meetup with ikimashokie in the next entry.

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And off again
Monday, July 15, 2013
Welp, I'll be in Hawaii tomorrow.

Er... today. I guess it's already Monday.

My mom booked the tickets so that we'll be there for a month. :|

I know a lot of people get all excited about the idea of going to Hawaii, but really, it's pretty much just a family visit for me. I like seeing my family and all but a month is a long time. It's not like I'm getting to stay in a fancy hotel and hitting a bunch of hot spots. I usually spend my time watching TV with my uncle and napping and surfing the internet. More or less what I would do at home, minus the TV.

Anybody want a postcard?


I have been having interesting dreams but I don't really have a desire to record them, for the most part. They've been featuring some urban, New York-esque elements. One of them was highly disturbing to me, which seems unusual. Normally I don't feel too disturbed within dreams, or if I do, the feeling fades after it's over. I still feel fairly disturbed by that dream, even though I can't put my finger on what exactly is so disturbing about it.

I was exploring a narrow, desolate city... I don't know if desolate is even the right way to describe it... Things were dirty and in some disrepair, but there were a few people wandering around. I just didn't see them for the most part. Areas of the city were flooded and it seemed like there were hardly any doors leading out to the street, which was just as well I suppose, on account of the murky, polluted looking water. I had the feeling I wasn't supposed to be wandering around certain areas without some sort of permission. To avoid getting in trouble, I tagged along with a school group... The tour guide... or was he a teacher... was a tall blond man. He encouraged the group to walk down a path into a tunnel that was completely filled with water the color of hot chocolate, opacity and all. Doing so, he told everyone, would grant some sort of special power or knowledge... I felt extremely uneasy about this proposal, since going into the tunnel required total submersion and I didn't know what was on the other side. I held back, fear rising in my chest, while everyone else walked down into and under the water and disappeared into the tunnel. I got the impression that in order to receive the "benefits" of this journey we had to give up our lives... And that all these people were drowning themselves to pass into Hell or some demon place-- whatever was on the other side of that tunnel. Everyone but the guide/teacher and myself was gone, and it was just the two of us standing to the side of the tunnel entrance on the cracked, sunny asphalt.

"What happens if you go in there?" I asked, suspicious and anxious.
"I don't know," he said. "I've never been there."

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California again
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I am back from New York/New Jersey.

The last night of our trip we caught a show at the Gotham Comedy Club, which was.......... entertaining.... but also kind of awkward in some parts. A lot of the comedians seemed... very bitter. The majority of them talked about their breakups and problems.

That can be funny if done the right way, but... not all of them did it the right way. There was this one woman who was just bad. Her whole thing seemed to be "I have sex and I talk about it in a snarky manner, that's funny!"

She didn't get very many laughs. I got the impression that the demographic of people who would find her funny would heavily overlap with the demographic who buy those decorative tiles that say things that are basically "I'm a sassy bitch and I drink a lot of wine." You know what I'm talking about.

I have pictures from the trip, mainly of buildings, which I will post later. Also got one of my my meeting with ikimashokie at Mitsuwa. My camera is on the other side of my room right now and I am feeling far too lazy to upload stuff to my computer at the moment.

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Short one
Saturday, July 6, 2013
I'm in New Jersey at the moment.

It took us forever to get to the hotel... Switching off between NY public transit and NJ public transit was a nightmare. My boyfriend has decided he'd rather just rent a car, despite the cost.

I like the NY public transit system, so I'm kind of sad it worked out like this.

In other news, some sort of Beavis and Butthead movie is on TV and it's painfully unfunny.

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Sunday, June 30, 2013
My boyfriend bought me The Sims 3 awhile ago and I haven't played it since the beginning of March. To be fair though, I did have school stuff to do. Every time I go on Steam and look at the like four games in my library, none of which I want to play, I feel... a weird, slight tinge of guilt. Like I need to "spend time with them" or something like that. I don't know. At the same time I feel like I've played these games too much when I see "19 hours played" or "40 hour played" displayed below their titles. o_O

It was about 102 degrees here yesterday. Not really much better on Friday. My parents coped by lying down and doing nothing. It was the coolest in the family room, so my dad was lying on my mom's yoga mat on the floor.

Later he moved off the mat and just onto the wood floor, but I couldn't get a picture because the fan broke when I went out and he got up to look at it.

My boyfriend came to get me Friday night and was wearing his hat that I picked out. :3

He still looks cute in this picture, but I don't think the picture does him justice.

Alsooooooooooooooooooo... I got my copy of Powernap Vol. 1 in the mail!

It's gorgeous, but unfortunately the corner got a bit bent in transit. :\ It came all the way from Mexico though, so I guess it could've been in worse shape.

I was reading this webcomic last night and really liking it and then -BAM- there was a gay sex scene. It was kind of like how Girly was, with the cute romance, except... this one wasn't censored. So uh, that was something. Unfortunately after that there were several more sex scenes and it felt awkward to read them. As much as I used to be into the whole "emo boys kissing" thing, I don't really want to look at dudes gettin' it on. >.> I wish it had just been implied instead of explicitly shown. Oh well.

Flickr is such a pain to use. I need to figure out if there's an easier way to do things. Spent maybe 10 minutes going through and changing all the privacy settings... yay, fun.

For real though, in a strange way I do like exploring all the nooks and crannies of a website to make sure I have as much privacy as possible. Read that ToS! Skim that privacy policy for key words! Go through every branch of the settings menu! And then somehow I'm surprised when people aren't on the same page with me about these things.

(Like you know Facebook keeps a history of all your searches? Nobody can see it but you, but it's there nonetheless.)

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Another term done
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Finally, finals are over.


I think I gave myself a white hair from stress.

On my 21st birthday I found two white hairs on my head. Since then I have found two or three more. They are always in the exact same spot and I pull them out even though you're not supposed to do that, I think. I am pretty sure it's just stress and not going prematurely grey, but I don't know if there's a way to tell for sure.

I guess for now I should just appreciate my hair. People tell me it's nice.

Even though I'm not a big fan of Tumblr I sometimes end up there because a lot of the webcomic artists I follow are on there, and through some sort of series of links I ended up looking at this:

19 Things To Stop Doing In Your 20s

I thought it was going to be really dumb at first but there are some not-stupid things in the list, actually. Pleasant surprise, I guess. Though... I think some of the points could easily be taken the wrong way... Like this one:

8. Stop being stingy. If you really care about something, spend your money on it. There is often a notion that you are saving for something. Either clarify what that thing is or start spending your money on things that are important to you. Spend money on road trips. Spend money on healthy food. Spend money on opportunities. Spend money on things you’ll keep.

Have to wonder how many people would actually be able to judge what's worth spending money on.

When I went to visit St. John's, while I was still in high school, I remember this banner in the dining hall that was supposed to provide some healthy tips for eating. One of the tips advised that if you want to eat, think about eating an apple. If you don't want to eat an apple, you're probably just eating out of boredom and not hunger.

I don't know how well that actually works, but it's stuck with me for some reason. Just that idea of... "how much do I really want this?"

For me, it usually turns out that I don't want it.

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"A bittersweet sentiment"
Monday, June 24, 2013
That's what Pandora considers one of the features of this piece... "a bittersweet sentiment"...

I like the idea of that, but then I wonder how many songs I would hate would fall under that category. I could see a lot of country music being in there.

20?- I was on Reddit under my chatroom username (I don't have a Reddit account in real life, for the record). There was some thread I commented on, and the original poster of the comment I replied to IMed me (on Reddit... which apparently had its own IM system) immediately after I sent it. He thought that since I replied to him, I would be up for hanging out. I did my best to dissuade him from that, but it just got worse. He assumed I was female and wanted to go on a date. I tried to give him the impression that I wasn't a girl without actually lying to him by saying "You can't know for sure that I'm female." It didn't work. Creeped out, I decided to go outside... And in front of my house, there he was. He was tasing a guy on the sidewalk (with that kind that shoots out? Not one where you have to be close). Horrified, I ran over and wrenched the taser away from him and, holding it by the um... cord thing... I swung it and smashed it repeatedly against the sidewalk to break it. Then I told him to leave me alone and went back inside. He was on IM again and I asked how he found out where I lived. He just told me that my (yeti) hat was cute. At this point I was very creeped out, so I just went to class... My partner and I were supposed to do a presentation in Psych but for whatever reason we had miscommunicated and she had done her own PowerPoint without showing it to me, and since she'd gotten there first she had loaded hers up. I didn't know what to say and felt very worried about my grade, so after class I tried to talk to the professor about presenting the PowerPoint I had made. He was old and grumpy and had a thick accent. While I was talking to him someone came up behind me and pressed against me and I, terrified, thought it was that stalker guy, but it turned out to just be my boyfriend... Only shaved, and much heavier. He kept trying to hug me while I talked to my instructor.

21?- I broke into a Persian apartment complex (it was apparently an exclusive community you could only live in if you were Persian, and the inside was very nice and open and they had big fancy rugs covering everything-- my boyfriend said that was racist). In one of the apartments, I looked around, but finding little of interest, just took a small black and white polka dotted umbrella. I left quickly before anybody could see me, but out on the street, I passed a Persian family. They had a little girl, and she was going to tell me excitedly that she had the same umbrella as me, but then she decided that the one I had was hers instead (it actually was, but I wasn't going to admit I stole it), so she followed me around and harassed me, telling me it was hers. She followed me across a huge barren plaza made of old wood-- it had that grey, dry, dirty yet bleached look to it-- and the sun wasn't in the sky but it was still unpleasantly bright. It was like being made in a desert made of dead wood. I just wanted to find my boyfriend's apartment so she would go away.

22?- Tour group or something like that climbing up a very long rope ladder to a ship in the dark sky... It was supposed to go to different stops, where we would sight-see and such, but the crew would intentionally leave people behind at each stop... It was meant as some sort of test... or something like that... I tried to stop it from happening by not letting people wander away from the group so they couldn't be left behind. Then there was something about a bevy of friendly fluffy squirrels at Disneyland and a passageway down into the ground where I was going to have to undertake a mission I might not survive.

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The ring/all my yes
Friday, June 21, 2013
This song is just... fantastic. And it was a free download. This week is ending well.

Haha, so maybe the title could be misleading.... :P

19?- I had been abducted by a ring of human traffickers. They kept me in a house in the suburbs and I wasn't allowed to leave or have any contact with the outside world, but they let me walk around freely otherwise. The ring was holding 11,000 girls hostage for reasons unknown to me, but only 7000 (or was it 4000?) were at my location. I pondered ways to escape. They left the garage door open a bit sometimes-- enough that I could see under it and theoretically crawl out. When I bent down to look though, it turned out to be too good to be true... There was an SUV with some of the ring associates monitoring the front of the house. They would see me if I tried to leave. I was afraid, unsure of why this was happening to me. I considered trying to escape by throwing something out of the garage door and to the right to distract the guards while I made my escape to the house to the left, but I realized I couldn't know if the people there were at home, and I had no way to make sure they were, and I couldn't risk knocking on their door and finding out they weren't there.

They took me out of the house at night for some reason, and I managed to meet up with my boyfriend at a small casual restaurant while the associates weren't watching. I knew I had limited time before they would notice my absence, and I begged him to not let me get taken back. Either I didn't mention it was a human trafficking ring or he didn't take me seriously, but he didn't really seem to react much until I told him I had no phone or internet allowances, and then he got concerned. Apparently that made it serious, I guess. He told me he would get me away and protect me, and we got into his car. I scanned the parking lot anxiously, looking for my ex's car (a black Camaro in the dream) because he was one of the associates... I knew if he saw me, he was going to try to take me away again. We got out of the parking lot safely, and I didn't want to go back to the house I had been imprisoned in, but I thought it was wrong to leave all the other girls there while I got away, so I asked my boyfriend to go with me to the house to help free them. It was very important to me that we not lose physical contact, because somehow as long as we managed to hold onto each other they couldn't take me again. We walked into the house and ran into one of the associates-- a young black man dressed in a suit. He was a hypnotist, and he calmly confronted us and stopped us from going further. I held onto my boyfriend's arm fearfully, and the hypnotist said "I'm sorry" in his calm voice-- almost expressionlessly, but with the slightest hint of polite regret-- and passed his hand in front of my boyfriend's eyes.

My boyfriend fell to the floor, apparently unconscious. I wasn't holding onto him anymore. Terrified, I faced the hypnotist by myself, and he started to say that he was going to put me back where I belonged when my boyfriend sprang up from the floor, laughing, and subdued him. Apparently he had only been faking being unconscious, and it surprised the hypnotist so much that he surrendered to us. We thought it appropriate to rob the hypnotist at this point, so he gave us all the money he had in his back pocket ($300) and said "Just take it" before softly saying something about how he was just trying to support his aunt with cancer. Looking at the cash (two $150 bills), I wondered aloud, "That's it?" The trafficking ring didn't seem very profitable if this was all he had. I contemplated, in confusion, what they actually did for money. The hypnotist said if we were looking for more money we would have to face someone higher up.

Me: I had a dream that you saved me from a human trafficking ring.
Boyfriend: That's because I'm a bad ass.


This has been up on Subnormality for awhile but I thought I would share it anyway:

seven reasons to maybe feel slightly better about things

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