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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I went to see the play Amadeus at a theatre downtown today with Fro. Unfortunately I forgot I was supposed to go, so I was sitting in my pajamas at the computer when she called me and asked where I was. Had to quickly get dressed and get my dad to take me there. Luckily I didn't miss too much, and I've seen the movie anyway.

After the play we went to a Greek place to eat. She kept saying she was excited, because apparently she loves Greek food. I think I should have gotten less food for myself, because I couldn't finish what I had... Regardless, we stayed there for several hours just talking about stuff. It was really nice. I told her about recent developments with the breakup, and she listened without giving (too much) advice. She seemed pleased that I took her suggestion to document positive parts of my day.

I've been feeling really tired these past couple days. Right now I have a paper to do and some reading I need to finish for tomorrow, but I wish I could just go to bed.


Recently I've had some interesting philosophical/political discussions on OKC. I've missed talking about stuff like that. Of course, there have also been some annoying people who clearly didn't read my profile and thus get annoyed when I tell them I don't want to go out with them. It's kind of a shame when we have a decent conversation and then suddenly they're like "so... you want to get coffee?" or something similar. It's written very unambiguously on my profile that I do not want dates. -__- I kind of just want to have some cool conversations here and there. The whole romantic intention thing just makes things awkward and weird.

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3:16 [What the box was wrapped in]
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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The gala is tomorrow night~
Thursday, April 24, 2014
I got my first payment today from that guy I'm coaching. He just sent me cash through the mail. Yay money!

After class today I went walking around the track at school with a few friends. Two of them were actually jogging, but three were mostly walking. We went around the track a few times and then decided to try jogging... Made it about 3/4 of the way before the two guys I was running with got tired. XD I was getting kind of out of breath too, but mostly because the air was very dry and it was hurting my throat.

Like the title says, the gala is tomorrow night. I'm carpooling with Alex and Vicky. Hopefully it doesn't rain all over us. The gala is indoors, but it'll suck if the rain catches us on our way in.

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Genuine interest
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
So, I'm getting paid $20/hour to talk to this guy on Skype and help him with his social skills (specifically, talking to girls). The way he acts, I suspect he might be autistic or something. I've never met anybody who was so awkward. He'll interject random responses into the conversation that break up the flow and in some cases make things uncomfortable. For example, we did a roleplay in which I was a girl in a nightclub and he approached me, and it went like this:

Him: I like that red dress you're wearing.
Me: Oh thanks, yeah I saw it on sale and it was just so cute I had to get it.
Him: I can already TELL you're a daddy's GIRL.
Me: ...What?

(He puts emphasis on words when it doesn't make sense, so a lot of what he says ends up sounding really forced)

I was trying to explain to him that it would help if he could show genuine interest in the girl. People really notice when you sincerely find them interesting and generally are flattered by it. When I mentioned genuine interest though, he said "yeah my old teacher said I was a bad listener too." (No kidding! He didn't even understand what I just said)

Anyway, I felt like this applies to the relationship I just got out of. I rarely felt like he was genuinely interested in me or what I had to say. Whether or not he was interested was debatable, but if he was interested, his actions didn't show it. He didn't really seem to care about any of my interests, or the things I learned at school. I also gave him the link to my blog and he never bothered to read it outside of one or two times. I often felt like there was nothing about me individually that was special to him. Of course, when I asked, he would talk about how I was special and he couldn't just replace me, but he didn't really have reasons for what differentiated me besides "you're intelligent" and "I like the combination of your idiosyncrasies" (that doesn't tell me anything???). There are lots of people who are intelligent. That by itself doesn't mean a whole lot. I think compliments mean more when they really can't describe a whole lot of other people. So, things that are both sincere and unique.

When I really care about someone, I want to know what they find interesting and what they think about things. I guess that before, I took for granted that my partner would reciprocate that. It's more important than I realized, so I hope that the next time I'm in a relationship, I have that. Genuine interest.

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Getting paaaaaaaaaiddddd
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
I'm helping a guy improve his social skills through Skype and he's paying me $20 an hour! We just had our first session (half an hour) and so far so good. It's going to take me awhile to get that hat though, at this rate... The other gigs I'm doing are taking kind of a long time to happen so I guess I'll just have to wait. -__-

Nothing really happened today I think? Except that I gained ~1 lb since yesterday. >_> Probably water weight I guess. Never thought I'd be disappointed to weigh 113 lbs. All that ice cream and mac and cheese and candy!

I feel like I generally just feel pretty good when I'm 115 lbs or lighter. I wish I had a workout buddy though. My arms need some toning... I'm supposed to be training for a 9k run in autumn with my mom and we haven't started yet. >_> I know it's not really that long, but I never run anymore, only bike, so I should work on that.

Oh, I almost forgot! An old... friend(?) got back into contact with me, so we might hang out. My recent ex and I went hiking with him and his now-ex girlfriend some time ago. Gotta find something to do...

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Sunday, April 20, 2014
Easter was pretty uneventful I guess. We had lunch with my aunt's family and my mom's friend's family and hid eggs for my mom's friend's two kids.

I found out my gig didn't actually fall through, but it needs to be rescheduled. Sooooo yay for that?

I JUST REALIZED I HAVE A PACKET OF GOLDFISH IN MY BAG!! Yay, now I have something to munch on while I do my reading for school. :D

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No response...
Saturday, April 19, 2014
I think my gig fell through, the person isn't responding. >_>

BUT I have others lined up, so it's all good.

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Longggg day
Saturday, April 19, 2014
At 8 AM my parents woke me up to ask what color orange they should paint the hall. I just pointed to one of them grumpily and tried to go back to bed for the half hour I had left. Couldn't sleep.

On my way to the nursery, my bike's tire went flat, so I had to walk the rest of the way. Work was fine though. We didn't have too many criers.

After that, I went home and had split pea soup for lunch. Went with Lucy to meet a Craigslist person at the mall, then to Goodwill to find some shoes for her. I also got a cute new top for about $5 and some fleece-lined leggings for $5.

We then went to Baskin Robbins and got a free quart of cookies and cream ice cream because I had a coupon from donating blood...

And... hm... I took a nap, then did my last shadow shift at the crisis hotline. Now I can start doing shifts on my own! I felt like it went really well and I really feel like I helped people, which makes me happy. I talked to the guy who was training me about a few things in my life, including the breakup. He told me about his life as well. He's 47 and his wife might leave him to become a Buddhist monk. It sounded very interesting and kind of sad. Oddly enough though, he didn't seem too beat up about it. He was very quiet overall, though.

One of my gigs is tomorrow! I hope it goes well.

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