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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Thursday, May 8, 2014
I texted my ex earlier today and he never responded. Kind of worried about him... Maybe he didn't see the text... or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me again? I don't know. Are you reading this? Can you at least let me know if you're okay?

I keep feeling like I should be gaining weight, but I think I'm actually still losing weight slowly? I'm not sure why. I don't think I'm eating less than I normally do... or if I am, not that much less. This morning I stepped on the scale and it said 111.4 lbs... Which I'm not complaining about, but still, it's weird.

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Recent developments...
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
I guess we are talking again, then. I told my friends and they are very wary of the situation. Everyone is saying to be careful. I'm not really afraid though...

Last week in my abnormal psych class we took our first exam. I felt like I didn't know enough of the material on the test, so I kind of freaked out a little while taking it. On Monday the prof told us that some of us did very well and some... not so well, and that she would be giving back the test on Wednesday (today). Wasn't looking forward to that. I ended up getting an A+ though, because she curved it. It really bothers me that I wouldn't have gotten an A if not for that curve. I'll have to study harder next time.

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Got my hoodie back
Monday, May 5, 2014
Well, turns out that he did have my hoodie after all. He gave it back, along with another (much briefer) note saying he wasn't ready to talk and didn't know if he ever would be. Apparently he's starting a blog. I don't know if I want to look at it though. If it's anything like the letters/email he's sent me then it probably doesn't have much good to say about me. At the moment I'm not much interested in criticism from someone who remembers our shared history in a very skewed and frankly bizarre way at times. And anyway, Kyle thinks it's better if I don't check up on my ex.

I have thought a bit about some of the criticisms he had (has?) about me. For instance, in the email he sent he mentioned that I never appreciated anything he did. I honestly don't know if he actually believes that or if he's just exaggerating, but I did appreciate him. Not in all the ways he wanted me to, certainly, but to say I never appreciated anything is rather insulting. Although I have hidden the posts about him on my blog now, they were quite positive and appreciative. I guess if he'd bothered to read my blog more before we broke up he might have realized that. Too late now though.


I'm getting a little bored with OKC. I had a few regular conversations going on there, but I've moved those people to Skype, so there's not much for me to do on the site now. One of the people I moved to Skype is pretty interesting, though. I don't know if I'd quite say we connect on a deep level, but we seem to relate on certain things, which is nice. He reminds me a little of Max, an OKC friend I talked to a lot when I was at St. John's. We talked about the nature of communication and friendship and things like that. With my ex I always kind of felt like I couldn't talk to him about anything deep. I don't know if there was a good reason for that feeling, but the nature of our relationship just didn't make me feel comfortable discussing my views on things. I guess it goes back to trust. Why reveal the deep parts of yourself to someone you don't trust? Then again, why stay with someone you don't trust for 2.5 years?

Sometimes I think about what he did and I feel like he cut off one of my legs. Not literally, obviously, but it's a reasonable enough metaphor in some ways. He took something I couldn't get back, and I felt damaged and resigned to stay with him. I know this is a horrible attitude to have but it doesn't matter now, not really. Probably what made it worst was that if I tried to talk to him about it, he just cried and I had to comfort him. Imagine someone cutting off your leg and then being so upset about it that you have to pretend you're not in pain to make them feel better. And then they just go about their business as if they never did anything to you.

There are times when I wish I could go back and stop myself from ever getting into a relationship with him, so that I could keep my metaphorical leg. My biggest regret is not protecting myself better. At the same time though, the burden wasn't really on me to do that. I think now that we're separated I have more of a chance to get over what happened since I don't have to worry about keeping him from feeling bad.

I know that problems are separate, and just because someone did something worse to you doesn't mean that nothing you do to them matters, but it doesn't keep me from feeling incredulous that he would complain about some of the things he did. It felt like he cut off my leg and then complained that I made him fall down and skin his knee. And then, of course, I had to hug him and make him feel better about his skinned knee. And deal with him when he said I couldn't walk with him the way he wanted.

I feel like I'll never understand how what happened came to be. I told him I was vulnerable in that way and he pretty much dismissed it, even took advantage of it. More and more I'm reaching the conclusion that he just didn't take me seriously. He dismissed a lot of the things I knew as just academic theory because I don't have as much "real life" experience as him. He would tell me he respected me for being smart and doing well at school, and then disregard pretty much anything I've learned if I tried to apply it to our lives. Either we have very different ideas of what respect is, or he did not respect me.

Respect always was a problem between us.

Well here I am now, a girl missing a fundamental part of herself. A metaphorical amputee. All I can have is hope for the future. I know there must be someone out there who won't take parts of me away and then make me feel like I'm lucky to have them despite it. "I may have cut off your leg, but don't you think you should appreciate that you can use me as a crutch?"

I don't know. I feel angry and sad and confused. The same confusion I've had for nearly 2.5 years. It's almost 3 AM and that's probably not helping.

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Best Friend
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Heard this in the car today when I was driving around with my dad.

(When your best friend's all strung out)
You'll do everything you can
'Cause you're never gonna let it get 'em down
(When you find it all around)
Yeah, you say it's what you need
And hide your eyes when you're close to me
(When you feel up in the clouds)
Well, it comes in waves, but it's hardest from the start


So my good thing for today is finding a song I really like. (For now, at least)

Also, being 112 lbs. This breakup's been great for my figure, ha... -__- I haven't weighed this little for this amount of time since... I don't even know... probably the beginning of high school. So... eight years ago, more or less. Wow.


I decided to just hide my ex on OKC. Doesn't do me any good to see him in my visitors list constantly.

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An unspecial day
Saturday, May 3, 2014
It's kind of weird for Fridays to not mean anything anymore. Sure, they're the weekend, but there's just... nothing really to look forward to on Fridays now.

For two and a half years, Friday was the day we'd get together. And I looked forward to it. We didn't really do anything most of the time, but it was still our time together. And now I just have free time on Friday.

Lucy texted me to ask if I was going to First Friday, and I thought she was inviting me. Turned out she just wanted to know if I'd be there anyway and if she might run into me with her date by chance. I don't know why I'd be there. None of my friends are really into that kind of thing, and I can't go alone. Couldn't even go with my mom if I wanted to, because she's been away for a few days.

It's weird that I almost feel less lonely now that we've broken up. For a lot of our relationship it really felt like I was with a stranger sometimes. Like there was some uncrossable distance I could never truly bridge. We did so much together, and I talked about so many personal things, but I still didn't feel like he knew me or understood me, or that I knew or understood the "real" him. I often felt very lonely because of this lack of connection. We still cared about each other deeply, but there was always something missing for me... Maybe he didn't feel that way, or didn't care, I don't know. It was hard to cope with, on my end.

I think it's easy to remember only the good or bad things about a relationship, and not a balanced version of events. I tend to remember only the bad things immediately following a breakup, and then as time goes on I remember more good things and fewer bad things. Makes sense I guess, since I'm always the one to break it off.

I keep going on OKC out of boredom but there's not much interesting on there. Mostly boring people and jerks who get offended when I don't want to be friends or only say they want to be friends so they can get a shot with me later...

My... ex... (I feel weird calling him that, since I'm so used to calling Kyle my ex) visited my profile a lot... I don't know why. I think I might have showed up in his visitor feed because of Quickmatch but I'm not sure. I don't remember... I wish we could just talk about things without it being so... I don't know... painful/difficult/sad? Complicated? I guess I wish we could just talk, period, even though I don't know what it would accomplish.

Also I can't find my St. John's hoodie and I'm not sure if it's because he has it or what... I hope it didn't get thrown out. :\

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Ah, the weekend
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Time to do... nothing for a couple days.

I was thinking about time on my bike ride home today. What it is, what it means.

Does time exist without movement and change? If you were in an entirely static environment, what would time mean? Would it even be there? There would be no way to tell. But then again, just because you can't perceive something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Hm. I guess in this scenario the processes within your own body would also have to stop, but then you'd be dead (or at least not conscious?), so there would be no perception of the existence or nonexistence of time (probably?).

Sometimes I feel like I'm kind of caught between two conflicting points of view. On the one hand, I want very much to help people and be supportive and caring. On the other hand, I have a pretty existential view of things and often feel that our lives are brief and inherently meaningless. That doesn't bother me, but I also wonder what the point of attempting to "make a difference" is sometimes. Then again, I guess there doesn't have to be a point. If it feels good to be altruistic, that's a valid enough reason, isn't it? Lack of meaning means there's no point to doing things, but there's also no point to not doing things. No point to anything... So just do whatever you want. :P

Then again, I'm not really into anarchy. So... do whatever you want within acceptable social boundaries? (Which mean nothing of course, but I think it should be self-evident that all the rules we follow do make our lives easier to some extent. If we didn't work together as people we'd have none of these modern conveniences)


After school today I walked around with Jenny for exercise, even though it was over 90 degrees outside and not great weather to be moving around. Apparently she thought Alex was into me too. She asked if we had hung out a lot and if anything was... going on with that. >_> I had to explain to her that we weren't into each other like that and were not compatible in that way. She hangs around a lot with these two people in our class who did get together, so maybe she sort of sees signs of romance now where there aren't any... I dunno.

I dunno what my good thing would be for today. Fro might be having a party later in the month, so that could be cool I guess. I don't know how I'd get there though.


I've been listening to a lot of rock/alternative/metal(?) lately. All the stuff that used to play on the radio when I was in high school and Channel 104.9 was still around. Memories...

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Holding on to everything
Thursday, May 1, 2014
I feel like I might be sort of a... memory/emotion hoarder? I have this strong desire to record everything in some way to keep it. Even the painful things.

Especially the painful things?

It's sort of a self-administered exposure therapy, I guess. I don't throw away the things that hurt, I just make myself relive them over and over again until they don't hurt anymore.

I have been holding this stuffed alligator a lot in the past few days. It doesn't feel as significant as it did the first time. I don't feel sad just by looking at it.

One day, when I'm dead, my family will go through my stuff and not know the reasons I kept all the things that were meaningful to me. It'll all just seem like random junk (ha). And they'll throw out the things that once made me feel. Even if they keep some of it, they won't know the story behind it. The vast majority of my memories will die with me. Everything I never shared will be gone, and the things I shared and recorded will decay with time. My entire existence is inconceivably insignificant in the time scale of the universe.

(Things I think about a lot but don't talk about)

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Again with this
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
My OKC profile very explicitly says I don't want to date. Occasionally I'll get messages that start out well and then start to turn flirty.


A social psychologist came to school today and gave a short talk during our lunch break. He gave us a choice between perceived partner authenticity and mortality salience. I thought both were interesting, but most people voted for perceived partner authenticity.

Essentially, perceived partner authenticity is what it sounds like. How authentic you perceive your partner to be. High PPA is associated with higher relationship satisfaction and more interpersonal trust, commitment etc. Lower PPA is, as you might expect, associated with lower relationship satisfaction and less interpersonal trust and so on and so forth. The interesting thing is, your partner doesn't actually have to be authentic, you just have to perceive them as being so.

I mean obviously it's better to... authentically be authentic, but yeah. I had low PPA in my last relationship. :\ That wasn't the only problem, but it was definitely a factor.

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