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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Feelin's 'n stuffs [Ask]
Friday, May 30, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Thursday, May 29, 2014
My friend said this to me:

"I think I want you to know that you're important to one more person than you used to be."

I feel really happy right now.

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On edge?
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
I couldn't sleep last night. I have a sense of discontinuity between yesterday and today, so I think maybe I did sleep for some short period, but I feel like I barely got any rest. So tired.

Yesterday I was pretty tense. I took some caffeine in the morning because I thought I would be presenting in class, but then other people took my spot so I have to go on Thursday instead. I guess it's fine. More time to prepare. Or whatever.

The tenseness made it hard to eat. I had a tiny peach for lunch and didn't touch the spinach lasagna I brought, even though normally I enjoy having that. I reheated it when I got home and ate it, but it was a struggle. Didn't eat dinner. I wonder if that was related to being unable to sleep.

I'm eating breakfast now, and that seems to be going okay. Maybe the caffeine yesterday affected my appetite? Not sure. I felt physically hungry but just didn't want to eat.

Kinda wish I had napped yesterday. I talked to friends on Skype instead, and it felt really nice at the time but now I don't feel very good. >_< Maybe tonight...

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Well, I didn't die
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Riding on a motorcycle was actually kind of fun, though still a bit scary. Every time we went over a bump or leaned to the side my mind immediately went "OH GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE."

His motorcycle had handles to the sides of my seat, so I was able to just hang onto those and didn't have to hold onto him. That was a relief. I didn't really want to grab onto some guy I've only met a couple times.

Here is the view from where I was sitting, sort of:

And a shot of our shadows:

It looks like my arm got amputated.

We were out for less than two hours, I think. It was cool though. He said that next time we'd probably ride with a group. So... I guess I'll see how that goes.

I think I forgot to mention that I met up with a new friend on Friday. It was pretty laid back, and we just talked and walked around. He's probably moving out of state soon, so if we hang out again that might be the last time. Doesn't really matter though. We pretty much just have a conversation-based friendship anyway.

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Motorcycle ride...
Saturday, May 24, 2014
I guess I'm going to ride on a motorcycle tomorrow for the first time. Even though I think motorcycles look cool, I'm pretty scared...

I'm going with my new friend Will. That's the friend I saw Godzilla with. It was me, him, his girlfriend, and his cousin. We drove up to San Francisco to see the movie on a big IMAX screen there. I don't feel like the drive was worth it, though. The film didn't even fill up the screen (although the screen was pretty huge).

The movie was okay. There was one plothole that keeps bothering me, but other than that I didn't think it was too bad. It didn't seem like it was as much about the monster fighting as it was about human interest stuff.

Not really related-- one of my professors talked about how Freud has never actually been proven wrong. Someone in the class asked what that meant about the Oedipus complex, then. The prof said that most people haven't actually looked at the story, so they don't know what it's about. He told us that at its core, it's not about incest, but child abandonment, because Oedipus doesn't know that he's sleeping with his mother.

Uhhh also I've had this open in a tab in my browser for a few days:

Bird ice cream

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Before I nap...
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Last night I surprise-visited my ex at his apartment because I was really worried he was going to do something bad. Luckily I don't think he was actually in immediate danger, but it was hard to tell. I got into the apartment building by following some people who were going in, then rang his doorbell and waited to the side so he couldn't see me through the peephole...

When he answered the door he let out a horrified gasp upon seeing me and tried to close the door on me. Wasn't going to have any of that, though. I stopped it with my foot and waited until he would talk to me.

We talked for awhile, and I made him promise to call a therapist today. He's supposed to text me after he does. If he doesn't, I'm going to text him to check in on him.

He really needs the help. As much as I don't want to force him into anything, I'm really worried about his safety and I don't know how else to go about this. Hopefully the talk we had will change things, start him in the right direction. I don't know though.

I was getting really sleepy in class today, but I have to see a movie tonight with a friend, so I'm going to take a nap now. Maybe Godzilla will be better than I'm expecting, who knows...

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A little better
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
I don't feel as bad as I did last night. Maybe I was stressed out over the test we had today. It turned out to be much easier than I expected, which is possibly because I actually studied this time.

I missed the question that asked what the three personality disorders in Cluster A were though. :\ I think I only got one right.

For reference, if anybody cares for some reason (I'm not sure why they would?)...
Cluster A:
Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Cluster B:
Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Antisocial

Cluster C:
Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive

I brought Becka some roses from my backyard today because she was feeling pretty upset yesterday. She seemed like she was okay today, which was good. When I was feeling sad about my breakup before she brought me flowers, so I figured I would return the gesture. I wanted to bake something for her as well, but she said yesterday that she was so tense she couldn't eat, so I thought that might not be the best idea. I hope she isn't sad for too long. She's such a sweet person and it's hard to see her feeling down.

In other news, this is really cute.

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I'm not sick...
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
But I keep wanting to throw up for some reason.

Not to lose weight or anything... Just... I don't know. I don't even feel nauseous or anything. Frustrated, maybe. I don't know why throwing up seems appealing. Purging negative emotions isn't something I've ever done through a physical action, I think...

Well, except for when I was small and I would rub my skin off I guess. But I don't know what emotion that would be considered. The only word that makes sense to me is "unbearable" but that's not... really an emotion. It wasn't frustration, or just being upset. Wasn't just annoyance or irritation. It was the feeling of having to be close to something you hated more than anything else. Having to breathe the air in the vicinity of that something. Like suffocation, except instead of pressing inward it pressed outward, and I didn't know how to let it escape so I just rubbed off my skin. Creating openings in the hopes that it would get out. I would have cried and screamed but that wouldn't have released it, because the feeling was in its own special pocket that verbalization couldn't reach.

On Sunday I volunteered at Maker Faire. It was cool I guess. Frosan thought it was pretty awesome. I felt like it was kind of lacking in comparison to the past ones I've attended. The layout was different so they didn't have as many of the vendors I would have liked to see. Still, there was a lot to see, so it was a decent day I suppose.

Trader Joe's finally brought back their soy chorizo, much to my mom's delight. To er... celebrate, she asked me to make tacos tonight. I was worried that they might have changed the formula, but it tasted just like I remembered, so that was a relief.

I've been listening to this song for a few minutes:

The moon is shining in the sky
Reminding me of so many other nights
When my eyes have been so red
I've been mistaken for dead
But not tonight

Found this tonight... Even though I've liked Depeche Mode for a long time, I really haven't explored their musical catalogue much. The lyrics of this song don't currently resonate with me, but I've related to their sentiment in the past and I think I will in the future. Just don't know when. I like this song, though. It doesn't come off as all peppy and happy. More like... serious and grateful. Thoughtful and reflective? Sometimes you hit moments when you become very aware that you can feel and are feeling, and it's overwhelming, or nearly so. When you go so long without true feeling that you've nearly forgotten, the rush of it all coming back is just... like finding out someone you love isn't dead after all, I guess? It's a mixture of wonder and grief and relief and pain. I don't know how many other people get that feeling, but it gets to me sometimes.

I'm going to see Godzilla, apparently in IMAX, on Thursday... I don't really want to see it, but it's with a friend so I guess I might as well. Then Friday I'm meeting up with a new friend for the first time...

Social activity is good and all and I know I will probably enjoy it, but I feel so tired just thinking about it at the moment. Still, I know it's better to go out and do things with people than to isolate myself.

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