A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
Think about it
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Monday, September 23, 2013
Birthday gifts, an orientation [2P]
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Bonding and aging
Friday, September 20, 2013
I've been helping my brother trick people on DotA into thinking he's female so they'll be more helpful when he's playing with them. He says that he isn't tricking anyone and he isn't claiming that he's female when he asks me to say stuff into his mic, and that it's just a tactical advantage. It is pretty funny to watch the guys he's playing with get into white knight mode after I start talking.
We also had this conversation:
Him: There's this annoying Brazilian guy on my team and he's all like "Hello, I am Brazilian from Brazil. Brazil Brazil Brazil."
Me: Does he really say that?
Him: No, but that's what I hear.
My brother makes a lot of racist comments in jest. My dad kind of does it too, though to a much smaller degree. I think my mom is the only one who doesn't, actually. She says actually racist things sometimes, but not in a way that's meant to be offensive. Just in that kind of sheltered, ignorant way.
I think my boyfriend isn't sure if my family is actually racist or if we're just kidding. I think we're just kidding. I can understand why it would be hard to tell though. I tend to say some pretty terrible things casually and I don't always make it clear I'm joking. This has led to some of my friends perceiving me as that person who WOULD be involved with a messed up thing. Just your friendly neighborhood sociopath, I dunno.
The racist joking thing probably comes from my dad's being brought up in Hawaii. They are more casual about it there than they are here on the mainland.
Also, it's only 11:30 PM on the 19th here, despite what the date on the post says, but I guess I'll be 22 in about half an hour.
My birthday makes me remember this:
Obviously I have never been drafted into the army and it's unlikely I ever will be, but it's the general tone of the song that resonates with me.
My boyfriend doesn't really understand why birthdays are a big deal to me. He sees them as things where you have parties when you're a kid, but once you're an adult it's just another day. I, on the other hand, was raised with the idea that birthdays are special and to be celebrated regardless of your age. Not in a lavish way, necessarily, but they're something to be acknowledged.
I remember going into a kids' chatroom when I was about 13 and telling the kids there that birthdays were just reminders that we were going to die. I've never really felt differently about that. Now it's just that birthdays are reminders of mortality without a celebration to distract from that fact momentarily.
I wonder if my somber attitude about my birthday means I'm afraid to die. I don't really feel like I'm that afraid of death... maybe a little more now since I have more to lose than I used to... Losing time is a scarier prospect. Through the years I have often paused for a moment and wondered to myself if I would remember that moment or just forget it like so many others. I guess the simple act of thinking that makes me remember those times, so I have a small catalogue of memories in which I am in a particular place and thinking "Will I remember this years from now?" The earliest one is from when I was walking home from elementary school.
I don't remember the last time I truly felt young, which I guess is paradoxical since I am somewhat afraid to get old. Maybe I just don't want my body to catch up with how I feel.
When I really think about it, placing significance on birthdays kind of goes against other philosophies I have. My lifetime, against the timescale of the universe, is not even a speck of dust. My birthdays are even less significant on that scale. More than that, wanting a day to "feel special" seems kind of like... vanity. Over-inflated self importance. My feelings are contradicting my thoughts.
Maybe I just cling to this idea of birthdays being a big deal because the memories I have of being happy and feeling significant at those times are something I don't want to discard. A lot of my memories are of feeling insecure or just... not happy. I'm not sure why I don't remember more good things. There must have been more before high school, even if there weren't a lot during my teenage years. I dunno.
Two forums have wished me a happy birthday so far. One of them was a place I only posted once, when I was 14, to ask if I seemed like I had a phobia of confrontation. They told me they thought I was just shy, and I was so embarrassed that I had asked that I never posted again.
So much has changed since then... I don't feel like the same person at all. Then again, I don't feel like the same person I was yesterday, either. My sense of time and self is all... out of whack.
This post got really long and rambly.
Oh I forgot to title this
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
This is worth a read:
Why Generation Y Yuppies Are Unhappy
This secret from Postsecret is kind of sad. I have related to the idea in it before, but I think there are people in my life who would be there for me if I really needed it. Well, I hope so, at least. My mom and I don't always get along but she tries to help me, so I guess there's that. She's going to take me to a tea room for my birthday... I've spent my last few birthdays with my mom, since I didn't have any friends around. Better than nobody, though.
Oh, and my ex knows when my birthday is, and he technically counts as a friend, so I should take back what I said in a previous post about my friends not knowing when my birthday is. Lucy knew the general time frame my birthday was in, but was a few days off.
Recurrent dream theme I noticed... somehow forgetting to go to class. I have dreams, not frequently though, that I've been neglecting to go to school because of some miscommunication or misunderstanding... Not much to interpret there. I think it's just related to that little nagging fear I always have that I'm horribly wrong about everything. I wonder if that will ever go away.
I've been dreaming so much, but haven't felt motivated to write anything about that here. If I keep a record, it's usually just in my tablet. I'm remembering now why I didn't keep track of everything that year I recalled dreams every night... A lot of them are boring and it feels like a hassle to record the boring ones.
I had a dream that I was desperately trying to find somewhere private to go, but there was nowhere. I went into a closet but it was suddenly a big room that had lots of windows near the ceiling, and I couldn't draw the curtains fast enough to not be seen. I think someone was following me... And then I ran outside up a hill with tall dead grass and for some reason I was naked and dangerous animals were chasing after me and a snake (or maybe a tiger?) caught up to me and bit my leg.
It wasn't really a good dream.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
I've been so tired lately. Even talking to people online feels draining. I don't really know what's up with that...
It's been long enough, I really ought to post my Hawaii pictures now.
My uncle introduced us to a vegetarian restaurant called Govinda's. It's run out of a Hare Krishna sanctuary place. You pay $10 for an all you can eat buffet, and they have a different entree every weekday.
I took a picture the day they were serving nut loaf.
The food is very good, but it's a bit hard to find the place, since it's just in a neighborhood and there are no clear signs to tell you where to go.
A photobooth over at Ward Warehouse (a shopping center).
I don't really know why you'd want poop and toilet paper as the motif for your photo strips.
Looking up from the inside of a sculpture at the Aloha Stadium.
The swap meet they have at the stadium really sucks now... it's all just commercial vendors, no actual normal people just selling flea market type stuff.
I did buy some sea grape jam though.
We went to a food truck gathering and I got some lemonade... it was cucumber cayenne I think?
My mom had a problem with her eye or something while we were there, so we had to wait at Long's Drugs for a super long time while we waited for them to fill her prescription... We each took our blood pressure about three times, and I saw this on the shelf while we were there.
I was not aware babies needed special water?
I went shopping in Waikiki with my mom and we got these cute hand creams from a Korean beauty store.
There was a dish of Okinawan sweet potatoes in the specialty deli at Foodland.
Hiking to a lighthouse...
(It's not much of a hike... you just walk up a paved path)
The view is nice.
There are some of these buggers on the path though.
A love lock at the top.
The fences are extremely rusty because of the salty breeze from the sea.
We went to Shirokiya a few times during the trip... It's this big Japanese store that is sort of a collection of a bunch of different shops, and it has a food court on the second level. Here's a guy making animal shaped waffles.
And one of the waffles we bought. They're all filled with different things, like custard or jam.
A shot of the food court...
Takoyaki stand (octopus balls).
More food court stuff.
Since I am used to the big food court at Shirokiya, I kinda thought the one at the Mitsuwa in New Jersey was going to be similar, since it was advertised as being the biggest Mitsuwa in North America. You ought to visit Hawaii sometime, iki. :P
One of my uncles wanted to visit a friend who owns a... store that mainly sells Vibrams and wheatgrass, and there was a big praying mantis hanging out there.
There were a bunch of boxes with wheatgrass growing in them there, and my uncle's friend gave us free wheatgrass shots! Turns out wheatgrass is gross, though.
Regardless of the health benefits, this isn't something I ever want to be consuming regularly.
On a less healthy day, I had shave ice and a chocolate peanut butter cupcake.
When Hanauma Bay closes, mongooses (mongeese?) come out to raid the trash cans for food.
My uncle has a friend who has a house that's being built, and there there's a tree on the property with an old treehouse platform on it...
I climbed up into it, but the quality of the wood made me very concerned for my safety, though my uncle's friend seemed to consider it pretty sturdy.
I think this is a picture of a beach called Shark Cove, but I could be wrong.
Here are some ducks that live around the beach.
I had to take SO many pictures to get a clear shot of this fish. It's a wrasse, and my dad was throwing it bits of a riceball he found on the ground...
Here's my dad eating lunch near the cliff he was feeding the fish from.
A cool teacup chair at the mall... They didn't allow sitting in it though. :(
Cha Cha, my uncle's cat. He likes to wait in front of the door for people.
Near the end of the trip we hiked up Koko Head mountain. Basically you just walk on/along these old tracks until you get to the top. At the bottom of the trail, before we actually went up to the mountain, a bunch of people had thrown their shoes on a power line...
The view from the bottom.
A double rainbow!
I took a picture looking down at my parents. The incline is pretty steep.
When you get to the top there are some old abandoned military structures.
They pretty much all have graffiti on them.
I wish I could have climbed down into this shaft... the ladder is REALLY rusty though, and it was very dark in there. I couldn't actually see into this-- I just held out my camera to try and find out what was down there.
This was the thing they used to pull up carts on the tracks.
Here is a different view of the shaft I showed before. The other picture was taken from the hole in the concrete that you can kind of see to the side there. This one was taken from the hole in the rusted metal door.
People have written their names on the wall in chalk... I guess since it's sheltered, they don't wash away.
This guy went up and down the tracks like three times while we were there. ಠ_ಠ
I felt super tired after just doing it once...
We all ate out as a family on one of the nights and I noticed this...
FIGHT THE SYSTEM, YEAH.
At the mall we tried out a dancing game for the Kinect in the Microsoft store.
(Those are my uncles and my cousin)
Got lunch from Kale's, a health food store in... Hawaii Kai, I think? Mmmm, falafel.
A scary pigeon hanging around.
Malasadas, yum yum.
On the way back to California, our plane had some troubles... one of the generators apparently failed and we had to fly back to Hawaii an hour into the flight. Had to wait for HOURS until they got us a new plane... Meanwhile, these dudes were fixing the plane that had problems.
They gave us free juice and some free airport food certificates (only valid for a short time) to compensate...
And... that was the selection of Hawaii pictures I decided to share. I actually took like 400+ pictures, but for hopefully obvious reasons I am not going to post them all.
My birthday is this week and I don't think any of my friends know that. >_>
This video is interesting. Not very surprising, but interesting.
Nightmares and spinach pie
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Needs of the situation
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Sometimes I reflect on how my counselor at St. John's talked to me. He wasn't just a head-nodder like that therapist I had when I got home. I always felt really... I don't know... patronized by her, because she would analyze my dreams
("maybe you feel like a walrus inside")
and it seemed really ridiculous, especially in the wake of my breakup with my ex. She was kind of like my mom, didn't really challenge me in any meaningful way.
But my counselor did disagree with me on things and he voiced that, not in an aggressive way or anything, but in a way that seemed... reasonable. Like when I got way too wrapped up in philosophy and confusion (probably related to derealization) and was telling him I felt afraid to walk because I really didn't know if the ground would be there when I put my foot down... He seemed slightly disbelieving I guess, and not like he was just going to take me seriously about that.
("You know that's not real, right?")
I guess it took me by surprise that people would separate philosophical ideas from their concrete realities. Once I really started thinking about that though, it made a world of difference for me. It was like... all this stuff in my head is fine and well and all, but it's contained and it doesn't have to be screwing up what's outside my head. I can separate that.
Maybe that approach wouldn't work for everyone, but I think I really needed someone to basically tell me, "cut the crap and be more practical about this. You aren't as bad as you think and you're capable of handling the situation."
In a way that's what all the authority figures in my life have always told me though, I guess... but it was more like "I know you're capable of doing this, why aren't you trying harder?"
(My report cards always said "bright but needs to work harder")
My parents just assume I can figure things out on my own and I don't need help. It's very hard for me to ask for help because of that, since it seems like everybody thinks I should be able to do things on my own. With my counselor it was a bit different, because although he did want me to be more practical and realistic, he didn't just say that and walk away. There was more support.
I'm in my twenties now and still just starting to come to terms with the idea that it's okay to ask people for help. -__- Even if it's just something small like asking directions in an area I don't know... I don't know if that's just getting over shyness or realizing it's okay to ask for help, though.
Taking for granted...
Thursday, September 5, 2013
It seems strange that there was a time before we had mass-produced clothing. That there was a time when people's clothes were... specifically made for them.
Of course, we do have our different sizes to accommodate a variety of bodies, but for the most part it's still just a scale of the same general body shape...
I guess I feel lucky that I don't really have to worry too much about whether something will fit me if I'm shopping online. I fit within the size chart fairly well. As many body insecurities as I had in the past, things all evened out eventually I suppose... or at least I stopped having such a distorted perception.
It's weird, I'm not sure if my body actually changed that much or if I just see it differently now. I remember feeling like my hips were horribly big and my shoulders were way too broad, and now they just look.... proportional? Maybe it also has to do with making a small attempt to dress nicer now than I did in high school.
I should thank my boyfriend more often for helping my self esteem get better.
Watched Daydream Nation last night with him and thought it was pretty good. I don't know if I am just able to appreciate movies more now or if that was just something so good it got past my apathy. I wonder if I will able to be more interested in things again. That would be nice.
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