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Memores acti prudentes futuri


She said it was all make believe
but I thought she said maple leaves
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
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Oops, it's like 5 AM at home
Thursday, June 29, 2017
So, I was in Foodland today with my mom and uncle, and this older guy VERY CONSPICUOUSLY checked me out, from the feet up. Like, whoa, dude. You gotta be real obvious for me to notice something like that. Also I thought it was kind of weird that he just did one pass from bottom to top instead of going from top to bottom and then back up, which I guess I think of as the archetypal checking-out maneuver.

I wonder if I look old enough now that guys will openly check me out without any reservations about me possibly being a teenager... I have no idea how old I look to other people. When I was flying back home earlier in June, the old dude next to me on the plane seemed surprised that I wasn't in undergrad.

The humid air here in Hawaii feels nice when I breathe it in. It just comes into my body without any resistance, and there's no sticky or constricted feeling in my chest. Sometimes breathing dry air feels like breathing gravel, and it's really uncomfortable. The downside of the humidity is that it settles on me like a weight and makes me feel lazier.

In a couple weeks I'm going to Australia... I've never been there before, and I'm realizing there are all these little details that will be different. Like... I guess my phone probably won't work there, for one. I'll probably be with Becka the whole time anyway and won't need my phone, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Assuming I still have access to wifi, I should be able to keep in touch with people back home on a limited basis. I also have no idea how buying stuff works in a foreign country. >.> Can I just use my normal cards? I guess... I'll just wing it. Maybe ask my uncle, since he's traveled to foreign countries a lot and he probably knows how it works. Not sure if he's been to Australia, though. Then again, maybe that doesn't matter. This seems more like a general thing than a country-specific thing. I'm just gonna... not worry about it too much. Yeah.

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Visiting again
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
I'm in Hawaii! We flew in this morning, and the flight was just under five hours... I mostly slept through it, but there was this little girl who kept crying/screaming sporadically throughout the flight for no clear reason. She would just alternate between laughing and having a fine time and wailing. Thankfully the crying fits didn't last too long, but there were a lot of them.

My uncle always has some new place he's eating at a lot when we visit. He tends to find somewhere he really likes and just go there a ton until he gets tired of it, haha. This year he's all about the plate lunches at Times Supermarket. To be fair, they're a really good deal. I got a huge misoyaki salmon steak with mashed potatoes, brown rice, and steamed vegetables for a little over $9, including a beverage. My mom and my uncle both ate half of their plates for lunch and had the other half for dinner, but I ate my whole plate for lunch... Not the best idea, honestly, because according to the menu it was 1300+ calories, which is just under my entire daily caloric allowance. >_> I didn't really end up eating dinner, though. Still too full. We're gonna go back there a few times because of how much my uncle likes it (he said he goes at least twice a week), so next time I'll try not to eat everything... Man though... the mashed potatoes were so good. Gonna get so fat on this trip.

I really feel like I need to walk around or something. All that food is just sitting in me and it feels gross. Blehhhhh.

I'm trying to eat less sugar/refined carbs to see if it affects my hand eczema issues. I had a flareup awhile ago on another finger in addition to the one I normally get it on, and I've been kind of worried. I've read that usually people get it all over their hands, but I've only had it on one finger for years, and I'd really rather not have it everywhere. It's very physically uncomfortable, but at least I'm not as embarrassed about it as I used to be, I guess... For a long time I used to cross my affected finger behind another one because I didn't want anybody to see it, but my third ex always grabbed my hand and uncrossed my fingers whenever he saw me doing that. I can appreciate that about my otherwise pretty bad relationship with him, I guess.

People give my uncle gifts a lot because he lets them stay in his house for free, and he had this in his pantry, given to him by a friend...

He asked if we wanted to try any before he threw them out, because he didn't like them. My mom and I each took one. It was ah, it was pretty disgusting. Imagine a very very fishy thin wafer with a light cheese creme filling. The smell was nasty, too. So uh, yeah, basically I don't share Japanese taste in snacks.

It's nice to be here and all, but I keep thinking about what I'll do when I get back... Seems so far away. @[email protected]

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On hugs
Monday, June 26, 2017
[06/27/2017 12:51 AM] Me: I'm really grateful that we became friends.
[06/27/2017 12:52 AM] RD: I am too. Youve become important to me

We had a conversation tonight that felt really raw and open and honest and vulnerable, and I just wanted to hug him, but I couldn't.

I've been thinking about that desire to hug, and what it means. It's part sympathetic, part empathetic, part comforting, part protective. Words are something but they don't feel like enough. A hug conveys a fuller sense of "I'm here with you, right now, in this moment," and also just, "you're not alone." Sometimes when I hear about the pain that people are going through or have been through, I want to give them a hug, as if I could shield them from the world with my body. As if I could absorb some of it for them.

I haven't thought about this song in a long time, and it's not even something I'd normally listen to, but for some reason it feels fitting to me tonight.

"Sleep Inside" by Lilium.

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The rush of talking
Sunday, June 25, 2017
I hung out with Fro for something like seven hours today, and we sat on her couch and chatted and got Indian food delivered and it was rejuvenating and wonderful and I've missed hanging out so much. I hope I never end up moving away again. I hope... I can find a way to afford staying here.

So... my friend came back today after being off the grid for a couple days, and I was so excited to talk to him again, I just had this absolutely massive smile on my face, and I couldn't really stop smiling for awhile. When I was hanging out with Fro I kept grinning and laughing and it wasn't even about anything we were talking about necessarily, I just felt super happy and giddy and generally great.

It's so silly... there were a few points during the hangout when Fro and I weren't directly talking to each other (like we were looking something up or she was getting something, things like that), and during those little moments I was checking my tablet to see if my friend had messaged me, and every time he did, I got a bit of a rush, haha. Can't believe how much I like this guy.

I was telling Fro a few things about him... like how it's nice that I don't feel like I have to be "smart" around him. So much of the time I feel like that aspect of me has to be the entirety of how I present myself to people, and like, I mean, I do enjoy intellectual conversations and making high brow jokes and all that, but I don't feel any pressure to do that with him and it's such a relief. We can joke about stupid things with each other and I don't feel embarrassed or like I'm not fitting the image I'm supposed to stick to. I also don't feel like I'm confined to low brow humor, though. Like... with some people, they just wouldn't get a lot of the jokes I make, and that's super disappointing, but I dunno, I guess I don't feel that restricted with him? I can just say anything and it's okay and he'll still like me.

It's... like.... I guess I don't even remember the last time I felt like I could say ANYTHING to someone. And maybe there are some boundaries that are there and we just have yet to hit, but I dunno, for now, at least, I feel really comfortable and accepted and just generally happy.

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Doing dishes makes me feel productive [4P]
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Over the Stile
Friday, June 23, 2017
I read a short story in Life's Little Oddities that I really liked today. Grabbed some screenshots of the ebook to post here.

The man described in the story, Ladbroke Black (what a strange name), seemed like something of a kindred spirit to me. If I weren't bogged down with anxiety and depression and shyness I feel like I might be more like him. Although, I must admit, he doesn't seem like he was a great editor if he was so indiscriminate with what he was willing to publish, haha.

Speaking of depression, my Facebook feed has lately been spammed with posts from this group I joined called "awful recipes: recipes for disaster" and it's getting to be a bit annoying. On some of the recent posts, people have been talking about the kind of stuff they eat when they're depressed. One of the posts was just a picture of a bag of brownie mix that a person was eating with a spoon. In the comments, people were sharing what their depressed meals are:


So, this is one of the parts of depression I don't really relate to a whole lot. I mean, yeah, I eat junk I guess, but not... like... that... This stuff always makes me wonder if my depression is just not as severe as other people's or if I am just less willing to let myself totally fall apart with it. Even if my whole body feels like concrete, I can't just skip obligations. As much as I've fantasized about it, I would never stay in bed all day doing nothing just because I'm depressed. It takes monumental effort to do anything, but I still do it. Fro said something awhile ago to the effect of being amazed that I could get out of bed when I'm depressed... but it's just never seemed like I was allowed to stay in bed. Worst case scenario, I get up later than normal, but I'm just not allowed to flake on my commitments. I don't like it when people say "I can't ___ because of my depression." It's just... not true? I mean, I don't mean to sound dismissive or trivialize anybody's experience... but even if you feel like you're literally made of lead, you can still move. My worst experience of depression was in winter 2009/2010, when my entire body felt so heavy that I could barely even type, and breathing felt like trying to lift hundreds of pounds with my chest. I still ended up going out with my mom that day, despite how incredibly difficult it was to move.

I dunno, like, I think people are more capable than they feel. I'm not trying to guilt trip anybody or say it's their fault if they're not functioning at a higher level, just... trying to say like, give yourself more credit, I guess. Like I think you can do more than you think you can. And I'm not gonna be disappointed or angry at people for not doing more, necessarily, but I'd like to encourage them, I guess. I don't feel like I'm just extraordinary in some regard, or that my depression has just been blessedly mild. I think it's more that my mindset is that as real as it feels, it's still just in my mind. There aren't literally blocks of concrete holding me down, as much as it feels like it. As long as I'm not physically bound, I can still move. Maybe this all stems from resolving to have some distance from myself and not take myself overly seriously when I was a teenager? I don't know. Radical freedom, haha.

Mm, I miss making silly philosophy jokes. Or just like... psych jokes? I'm not sure I even laugh at those a lot of the time, but I find them deeply satisfying for some reason.

---

I had a dream that felt rather symbolic, and I keep thinking about it, but I'm not sure what to say about it. It was pretty rich in detail and filled with fantastical mechanical contraptions and creature, but trying to describe all of it would be an exercise in futility, I think.

The main plot was that I was in some other world (kind of like Narnia) and I was an heir to the throne of the land. I had the choice to stay there and become queen, or go back home and live my normal life. If I stayed, I couldn't return home to Earth. There was also a guy from Earth there who was in a similar position, and if we stayed we had to get married and rule as king and queen. I was thinking about what my life on Earth was like and how I'd been feeling kind of purposeless and lost, and how I'd have direction and more of a reason to live if I became queen. It felt like my life on Earth was empty and meaningless and I'd have a better shot at doing something significant if I accepted the throne. I decided to tell the current queen, who was a slender sphinx, that I was leaning towards staying but I wasn't completely certain about it, and she basically took my talking about it at all as a sign that I was agreeing to stay. She arranged an appointment for me to ascend to the throne for 6pm the next day, much to my horror. I tried to tell her that I hadn't even talked to the guy I was supposed to marry about the decision, and I didn't want to force him to stay if it wasn't a mutual feeling, but she was... resolute. I also tried to say that I was nervous about staying because there wasn't electricity there, and I would severely miss my music if I didn't have electricity, but she told me that there actually was electricity (and we were meeting in a huge hall full of ancient machines that looked like they were made of bronze), so I would be fine. Feeling distraught, I went off to find the guy I had to marry to talk to him about staying. I wandered through empty red-carpeted hallways and past golden banisters and doors covered by red velvet drapes tied off with gold ropes. There didn't seem to be anybody in the palace or wherever I was. While I looked around, I thought about my future and getting married to that guy (I don't even know what his name was), and I figured I could be reasonably content with him for the rest of my life, although we didn't know each other very well at all. Finally, I found him outside, and he looked very different from what I remembered... it was 5:20pm, 40 minutes before we had our appointment with the sphinx queen, and I was feeling panicked. He was with a couple friends, and I looked at him and felt repulsed. Then I thought about how I wasn't going to be able to talk to any of my friends at home anymore because the world I was in didn't have internet or a way to contact them, and I realized I'd never see the guy I like (in real life) again and I felt regretful and dismayed. As far as I knew, there was no way to take back what I had said to the current queen, and I didn't want to stay there forever anymore if it meant I was going to lose everybody I cared about, but I didn't seem to have a choice.

I woke up feeling kind of bummed out.

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Distasteful recycling [2P]
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Dust and mold
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
I'd like to write a short story, but I'm lacking inspiration at the moment. Sometimes it seems like I can only draw lasting inspiration from sad things. I can write little blips of poetry using happier feelings, but nothing longer. Sadness and suffering just seem to have more angles, more nooks and crannies and places to hide and lose yourself. You can unwind them like a skein of yarn and knit them into something else. Happiness isn't like that for me, I guess. Happiness is just... something pure and solid, that doesn't crumble into smaller pieces that get everywhere and lurk in the spaces underneath the bed, gathering dust and waiting for you to stumble upon them again.

Sadness is the dust you see swimming in a ray of light, the little particles that swirl around when you exhale. They build and they build if you don't take care to clean regularly, and then everything is coated with a layer of grey and you wonder how this happened and how things fell into such a state. You sweep and you vacuum and you spray and you scrub but it's always building up and you're never really done. And there are always places you miss, and when you finally find them, the dust bunnies have colonized those dark corners and it so catches you by surprise that you just have to stand there are stare for awhile.

But ah, as long as you just keep up some regular maintenance, it's okay, and it won't get to you too much. The places you frequent in the house will be clean, and the dust bunnies won't get to you unless you're digging around in the obscure areas behind the furniture and at the back of the closet.

---

It still feels like I'm getting over things. Like I've been staring into a mirror covered in black mold, breathing in the noxious air and slowly suffocating for a long time. Disgusted by my reflection, disgusted by where I am and that I let things get like this. I didn't put the mold there but I let it grow.

But, slowly, slowly, I've been opening windows, and there's fresh air coming in and sunlight and warmth, and the mold is dying back, and now it only covers a corner of my reflection and I'm starting to be able to breathe again without choking. That ugliness is still there on the mirror, and it's left fine little marks all over the glass, but it isn't obscuring things anymore, and I can see myself more clearly... I think? In a way, it doesn't really matter how clearly I can see my reflection, because it will always just be a reflection, a reversal of what I look like to others. Introspection is never enough in itself, because we're all blinded by our biases and flaws. We need feedback from other people.

---

I don't even know what I'm writing right now, it's almost 5 AM and I keep staying up this late because it's so hot during the day that I don't do anything. Night is the only time I can move around and think and get stuff done. This hot weather is turning me nocturnal.

SoundCloud autoplayed this for me.

"Is This Ready?" by Sleep Thieves.

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