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Wednesday. 9.3.14 5:09 pm

Little things.

My yoga instructor talked the whole session, today. We brought out our mats, had ourselves seated on the ground, and then he took the whole time to speak on the importance of a healthy diet. Just...no... I'm here in athletic clothing and on a mat I carried a mile from my house. Tell us beforehand, if all we're gonna do is sit and discuss a healthy lifestyle.

Yoga is an excellent class, though, especially since it's for academic credit. I feel so good and have started drifting towards healthier choices because of it. Tonight, I plan to make up for the yoga I didn't do, and then run through this, which, by the way, will make your arms ache just looking at it:

Second thing: I realized, today, that my absolutely gorgeous Spanish Lit professor is a complete and total lit nerd. She said something about how, historically, the caste system worked a certain way, linked it to the reading, and did that nerd laugh that's like, "HUH" inhale "HUH" inhale "HUH" inhale. It's a very likable quality.

Third thing, TAFKAM and I pretty much duked it out, the other night, because we both thought the other was being mean and questioning their intelligence.

--Which is kind of hilarious, in retrospect: We were both upset about the same thing, to the point where I considered telling him not to talk to me until he figured out why I was mad, and to the point where he actually said that.

It was at this point that I calmed down and said (essentially), "Wait...I think we're both mad at each other, so someone here has misunderstood."

Both of us had. So there we were, our respective phones in hand: I was crying, and he was just plain pissed, and it seemed to be dawning on us both, exactly how stupid the whole shebang had been.

This was a revelation. The moment I softened up and told him 1. that I thought he was saying that I wasn't as smart as him, and 2. that it had me in tears, he was 60 to 0 in a second flat. All the sudden, it was all "Call me next time you're this upset," and "Come swimming or watch a movie or something with me soon."

And that is very cute and nice. I'm trying to out-nice him, though, so this is also sort of bad news for me.

Either way, apologetic, humble, and silly-feeling turns out to be a great look on both of us. Equal parts glowing and dumbass.

Fourth, I'm working a new job at the school, and it's a decently sweet gig. It pays a lot less than I'm accustomed to (especially considering the fact that my pay increased by $.75 an hour, every year, at my last job), but they're essentially paying me to sit around and do nothing on my computer for a few hours at a time.

The one problem I do have is that their method of confrontation is very impersonal; they send out a general e-mail to the entire staff, telling the whole staff to not do something that maybe one or two staff members are guilty of. And they know who's doing it. To me, that's just plain avoiding confrontation, which is kind of a problem. Confrontation enables the confronting party to put a personal kindness to the message and use a tone that shows them that it isn't the end of the world. It also gives the confronted a chance to ask any clarifying questions and even explain what happened, if they feel like the whole situation isn't out there.

This has yet to happen to me, but, every time I see them e-mail something like that, I cringe, anyway. I'm a pretty neat employee; there on time, staying on task, asking questions when I need to, responding to e-mails, learning names. I try hard to make my employers happy, because I know that a job is just a sale of my services, really. I like for people to get their money's worth. I just need them to work with me, in exchange.

Anyway, I can wear jeans and the uniform polo and be cool, so this is still a good job, by my terms.

The rest of my classes are really hard and I don't want to talk about them.


So instead I'm talking more about cute, good things. I told TAFKAM that I wanted to dress up and go out for drinks and dessert before heading home and doing our cuddly movie thing, and he was, surprisingly, totally into it (and I quote, "Whoa Yes"). I'm afraid he's doing that thing where you try to make people you care about happy before their souls are crushed, and not paying attention to what he wants, because drinks and dessert essentially screams "DATE," even though that really isn't my intention. (I just like going for drinks with him because we have the same taste, and he lets me try his dessert, so I'm wholly content with the idea.) Usually, even a hint of something like this would send him sprinting in the opposite direction. We're down to just a few months before he leaves, so... I don't know if he's just had a change of heart about how we should work, or if this is just a final surge or sorts. The hope to give someone a wealth of happy memories before leaving is a kindness I'm familiar with.

It does not make things easier. It makes them much, much harder. I hope he wouldn't be the type to do that. I have a lot of faith in him being this sturdy person who knows to put himself first and let me take care of myself--but then, he's also a human, and ultimately still unpredictable and flawed.

Certain little things that worry me.

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tiny anecdote that is my favorite thing to ever happen
Sunday. 7.27.14 9:38 pm
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Sunday. 7.13.14 12:08 am
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avoiding eye contact
Tuesday. 7.8.14 1:06 am

So, I have this really crappy ex who is super manipulative and definitely guilty of sexual harassment (like, really disgusting harassment that maybe I should have brought to the cops, since we've BEEN broken up, and so there was clearly no miscommunication about how he can and cannot speak to me (which, believe me, he cannot, either way; I broke up with him because of his disgusting man crap)), and I've been telling him to back off, once in a blue moon when he pops back in to be weird, until the other night, when I told him to delete my number and stop talking to me.

I feel relieved.

I feel like I should have done so much more, though. Reported the harassment. Punched him in the face.

See, I was at a gas station, and some older man took the time out of his busy schedule of being a loser to nickname me "white pussay" and make me wildly uncomfortable while I was stuck pumping gas. And in that moment, I wondered why the other man, pumping his gas right near me, didn't stop him (because my safety was in danger, and I couldn't). I wondered why disgusting people were allowed to make women feel unsafe as they go about their everyday errands...but then it's like, yeah, I've been firmly discouraging my ex about this stuff, but maybe the message would stick a bit better if someone from the college called him up and had a meeting with him about inappropriate comments.

Part of me still has this internalized pity for successful people whose lives are "ruined by sexual harassment/rape charges," but that's just not okay.

That day at the gas station was the first time I've ever not bitten right back at someone, because I knew he would get out of his car and hurt me, if I did. It was the first time I felt unsafe and silenced.

So now I'm totally aware of the stakes, when someone I know makes me feel uncomfortable.

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